school refusers


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School Refusal
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Nightmare teenager

Hi folks, I'm new to these forums after scanning around desperate to find an answer to my son's and subsequently my troubles and wondered if anyone was able to offer me some advice.

My son is nearly 15, diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at 6 years of age. School has always been a specific issue for him, he has never been motivated to learn really and loves doing his own thing...with a very strong mind to do just that. Frustratingly he is incredibly intelligent!

Things were always a challenge, he had almost every professional involved through primary school. In his first year at high school, he didn't have much chance to settle when his father was killed tragically in road accident. Naturally, a very difficult time for us all.

Whilst things were bearable school-wise, he embarked on a relationship with a girl of 16 last October at the start of his third year, whom he became quite obsessed with and became very difficult to manage, parental boundaries were broken constantly and I felt myself I was being tipped over the edge! The school he was at couldn't manage him and were constantly calling me up and sending him home. Things got so distressing he refused to attend school all together. We had already initiated a move to a different school because of their poor management, not that I'm saying he was innocent at all!

He loves his new school, and now the relationship has ended, in many ways he's happier in himself. However just lately he is behaving so oddly, he enthusiastically goes to school...but then I receive phone calls (daily at the moment) informing me he has not turned in. When I contact him, he tells me he is...and shortly after the school check on him and he is. He comes out of lessons all the time because he feels anxious and can't cope and can be quite rude to the teachers at times. He seems to really be leading them a merry dance and his year head sounds exasperated at having to check he's turned up for lessons all the time! I am doing all I can do, he's involved with CAMHS and he is having crisis' daily! But we are going round in circles, he goes in when it suits and not when it doesn't.

I am frightened stupid I am going to be taken to court, I am doing all I can do! The teachers are asking me for advice on how to manage him, I'm trying to hold down a full time job as a nurse in an acute ward but it's proving difficult. We need a strategy meeting and I've said this so much but it feels like no one is listening and before I know it, I'll be in the clink!

Does anyone anywhere have any ideas what I can do? Ideas gratefully received xx

Re: Nightmare teenager

Hi Kaalin,

I can only begin to imagine your stress in all of this - it must be quite overwhelming.
Are you in touch with Parent Partnership in your area? They can be very helpful and supportive in these cases and know what you might be going through.
Whilst you might fear court - if you have all your paperwork - and do keep notes on all this - then there is really nothing they can take you to court for. You are doing all you can as a parent under very difficult circumstances.

Is there someone at the school that your son could go to if he is anxious?
In some schools they will set up a little area for a student to go to if they have to leave the classroom due to anxiety. Even if it is in the library - or somewhere away from other kids is preferable. Have a talk to the school, if you haven't already , and see if they can come up with something. I know one school near me where children with Asperger's or anxiety have a yellow card that they just show the teacher which means they need to leave- rather than having to ask (and this particular school has a little area set up in the library).
My son got over a rocky patch of not being able to stay at school by meeting with the chaplain - but it could have been anyone willing to look out for him (same with your son).
You might have to set up a system whereby if he goes to his 'place' to recover - that he sends an email or text to the office to let them know that he is there? Just a thought - but not knowing if you son would have access to those all the time. Is he especially good at a particular thing as many Asperger children are? Can the school recognise that in some way and allow him to help them or help others?

There have been others on here with children with Aspergers and I gather it makes it even harder with the school refusal as the frustration levels might be higher? Having said that - nor are most children with anxiety able to pin point any specific thing ....it is just a feeling that overtakes them.

The main thing we all find is to embrace our children where they are right now and accept and that will help them accept - but it can take them longer- as you well know. Do they ever recommend medication? Would your doctor consider this? My son has improved greatly since being on Luvox (doesn't work for all - some kids need to try a few different medications before they find the right one). Might be worth thinking about at your son's age now so that he has a few good years building up his resiliiance. My son found the medication helped him keep working on his anxiety rather than always avoiding situations. Just a thought anyway..
Others on here might have other help for you. Just remember, you are not alone...there are lots of the forum who understand exactly how you are feeling.
Take care - and try and find just a few moments each day for yourself...Let us know how you are going
Linda xx

Re: Nightmare teenager

Hello,

How much of what you need from the school are you putting in writing? If you think there is any chance that the school are going to refer you to Attendance Officers/Education Welfare then it's always good to have a paper trail. That way you can prove that you are doing your best to enable your son to attend school.

In my experience so much happens on the phone, or verbal chats when you are dropping off or picking up, plus where meetings do occur, there are often no minutes or very sparse ones. Over the years I have done things such as write letters confirming what my understanding is of a telephone conversation where contentious issues were discussed as I felt that otherwise it was too easy for the other party to forget or deny what was said and agreed or alternatively I'd make a note of the time, day, person I talked to and what was discussed. I know this is an extra burden when you are coping with a demanding full time job but it will protect you as you can then show, by producing a file of letters, copies of emails or notes of conversations that you are acting in a way which supports your son in coping with school. I tried to do as much as possible by email when my son was having problems with his school as it was quick, likely to be received by the intended party (I had letters go missing which I'd hand delivered to his school!) and a record could be kept for any future need.

There is case law which should deter any local authorities from prosecuting the parents of school refusers so I think it is unlikely you will be taken to court.

Does your son's school have policy documents you can look at regarding students with special needs (they will do, but some schools have them online so you can see them without having to make a request)? They seem to be passing the buck back to you but it's well known that young people with asperger's often have problems with situations in school and the better schools look at how adaptations can be made to help. No doubt some parents with direct experience will be along soon with some ideas.

Best wishes