Hi all, I was really pleased to find your site. My 6 year old son has been struggling with school refusal for the last few months. He became more and more distressed about going to school - shouting, screaming, refusing to get dressed (or getting undressed), refusing to leave the house.

The school didn't take it at all seriously and seemed to think he was just being "naughty" and that we weren't being firm enough (I doubted myself constantly but tried to believe my son, not them). Their only advice was that we had to drag him in, even if he was kicking and screaming (physically impossible never mind anything else). We had a few days of him screaming when we arrived at school, and the teachers basically grabbed him and dragged him into the classroom. I can't believe I allowed him to be put through this experience, and it clearly increased his anxiety - he started not sleeping and began refusing to leave the house for other activities that he used to enjoy.

Eventually, we decided that he needed a rest and a break and we didn't even attempt to get him into school for the last few weeks of term.

He couldn't explain exactly why he didn't want to go in, but he has a lot of social anxieties and doesn't mix easily with his peers. He is most likely on the autism spectrum and is currently awaiting assessment. Again, the school didn't take any of these issues seriously (for example, he is terrified of going out on the school field at playtime and they made no suggestions to make this easier for him).

We're not sure where to go from here. We have looked into other schools and have found a very small, nurturing independent school, which we can just about afford but possibly not long term. The other state schools in the area are all full so we would have to go on a waiting list. We've also just found out that the head of his current school is leaving at xmas - this might well change the way the school deal with things so it might be more possible to stay where he is.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice/suggestions about the best way to handle things and whether a change of school is a good idea or would be more disruptive and leave us with the same problems. He is gradually getting calmer and less anxious after about 6 weeks off school - it's taken much longer than I thought for him to calm down. I really don't want to end up in the state he was before. It's so hard to know how to help him.

Hi Emma

My heart goes out to you - its so hard, isn't it - all that screaming and crying and not knowing why. My son started to school refuse at that age too. Its easy for everyone to blame you as a parent - but your gut feeling is most likely right. Do you think it was something that triggered this or did he have symptoms before? My son could never explain why and still can't - that is the nature of true anxiety and not just a bit of stress.

I was also told to drag my son in kicking and screaming. It was just traumatic for everyone involved. I do not believe it is the way to go - despite what some of the so called experts say.

There is a theory that if you drag them in - they eventually break down the barriers and everything is ok. This is, however, the assumption that 'going to school' is the fear that has to be broken down.
What they don't take into account - and you have mentioned - is that things at school are probably pretty overwhelming despite that initial getting there being the worst.

You may find when he is diagnosed that the school is obliged to set up 'special' help for him and a place he can go instead of going out at playtime etc. Even if his diagnosis comes back with little to go by - I'd be really recommending these kinds of things.
Don't let the school make you feel guilty. Become the expert.

I presume you are in the UK?
Have you been in touch with Parent partnership?
www.parentpartnership.org.uk
They can often give you advice in regard to what rights you have and what steps you might be able to take as they deal with kids who don't fit the norm all the time.

As for changing schools. If the school, however, is much more supportive - and who knows - you might win the lottery in a few years time : ) - then its probably well worth the try at his age.
I did not remove my son from his school so I will never know if that would have helped but I have read posts on here from those with teenagers who move schools and they just take the problem with them. But I do believe that the younger the child is the more positive the results might be. But if you son does have an anxiety disorder- then it will probably raise its head again.

The main thing I found helped myself and my son move forward was for me to stop being so emotional about the whole thing and embrace my son for where he was and accept that he had an anxiety disorder that might not ever disappear but could be helped. Give your son as many positive experiences outside of school (and in the home) as possible. Keep friends of yours or his and relatives coming round if he seems reluctant to go out. Keep the interaction happening. Physical activity is also good for anxiety - so some simple things like kicking a ball around or another unstructured activity can reduce the stress levels. Cognitive behaviour helps but is hard with young children but might be worth a try.

You are doing the right thing and finding as much help as you can whilst he is young. The quicker you can work on his self esteem and social anxiety (can you afford a private psychologist for this?) the better.
If you don't get a satisfactory diagnosis from the school system - try through your doctor and a referral to see if they can define more what the issues might be that need addressing.

Take notes at all meetings with the school - as there may come a time where they accuse you of not trying to get your son to school. Check out the resources section on this site and anything else you can read - you will become the expert and then you can tell the school what they need to do and not the other way round.

I think, had I had more support and help for my son when he was 6 - he might have gone better earlier on. Like you - the school did not take it seriously enough. It has been an 'on again' 'off again' type of situation where he has missed lots of school. If he is away - he finds it really hard to go back.

When it comes time to go back to school and if you decide to keep him where he is - or even if you start a new school - something that did help me eventually - was getting his dad to take him or both of us - in a morning (I am a sole parent ). My son was less likely to break down in front of his dad than me. This also worked for us this past week when we had a hiccup and he couldn't face school - my ex came and took him three mornings in a row - and it seemed to lift him over the rut that he had fallen back into. Perhaps you can both take him? Or perhaps a relative or neighbour? Or perhaps he can go with a school friend? Its all about distraction - changing thought patterns from irrational and negative thoughts - and hard work! It is important to try and keep getting your son to school if you can at his age - but only with the help of others - and not kicking and screaming.
And keep in mind that school may not have to be the only road to an education - if things much further down the track are still a problem - there is always home schooling or other alternatives that some kids just thrive better with.
Stay in touch as there are many on here who can help you - you are not alone - and we understand exactly what you are going through. Sorry about my long post!
take care
Linda

Hi Emma

I presume you're thinking it's unlikely your son will go back to the school in September? Or are you gearing up to getting him back there?

Ideally the school should really be doing more to help him feel comfortable in school. Do you feel he needs any other help in school (e.g. With focusing on his work, with understanding the instructions for work etc.), other than with the social/anxiety side of things? There are different levels of help the school can put in place that come under special educational needs, the first step is School Action - at this level the school should provide extra help in his areas of difficulties, e.g. With the social side of things, help at break times etc. After this there's School Action Plus where they can get outside help from Educational Psychologist, Speech and Language Therapist etc. And if your child still needs more than that then you have to apply for Statement of Special Educational Needs - if your son has an autism diagnosis and looking to his longer term future schooling, this may be the route you have to go down in order to get the most appropriate school setting for him.

In the short term, I would seriously consider the independent school. With the small class sizes and nurturing environment it may work - but there is no guarantee and whatever is causing your son's anxiety may be triggered again.

Push for the autism assessment, explain that it is crucial that you understand his needs now in order that he can return to education. Do you have any idea when he may get assessed?

You may find it useful to talk to one of these independent charity organisations: www.sossen.org.uk or www.ipsea.org.uk - they may be closed at the mo, until end of August.

It might also be useful to get in touch with your local branch of the National Autistic Society. They may have an online forum or coffee mornings/evenings where you can talk to others - you don't need a diagnosis to at least start chatting with other parents and getting more info on autism.

If you go down the independent school route, then it can become harder to get help from the local authority if you need a Statement etc. in future or need help from them if your child still refuses school, but don't let it put you off. Your only other option is to get current school to work with you and possibly push for a Statement so that your son has all the help he needs (it takes at least 6 months to get a Statement, but can take 18 months if you have to appeal etc.)

You could also get in touch with your Education Welfare Officer (sometimes called other things in different parts of country) - they may or may not be of any help.

School may have something like a Home School Link Worker or the like that may be able to help you too.

If you can get a letter from a consultant stating that your child is currently unfit for school then you can get local authority to provide some home tuition.

Sharon

Hi - just to quickly add to Sharon's post, you can also phone for advice from the Contact A Family Education Line, which operates 9.30 - 5.30 through the summer holidays on 0808 808 3555. Very friendly and helpful service.

Hi Simon, yes that's right, Contact A Family are specifically set up to help families with disabled children, covering autistic spectrum disorders and possibly anxiety disorders as well; they will also advise in cases where a disability is suspected but not confirmed.

The phone number I provided is for their dedicated educational advice line. I spoke to them about school refusal in the context of my son's autism, and they were very approachable and full of insight. This helpline is not for everyone, but in my experience I would recommend them as a resource where a child has (or might have) a disability coupled with school refusal.