i have a son who has been refusing school on and off since year 7 he is now in year 10 and it has got gradually worse over the years, he is not in trouble in any other way his behaviour is normal for a teenager and he has friends, he says he is not been bullied, we have had a meeting at education and it did not spur him on to attend school so now has gone onto parish hall and still he does not go...what next??? court proberly i am worried sick and stressed i worry about him...i have been to everyone i can think off and to no avail...im glad i found this because i have felt so alone and hope to find some advice on what other ppl find might help.

Hi Natalie


Glad you found the group on here. Everyone is very friendly and helpful and it will help you feel less alone.
I presume you have gone through CAMHS? How were they? How supportive was the school?
In some areas you will find that the local education authority will set up home tutoring for you. The school is responsible for your son's education whether he can attend or not - it is written in the educational outlines.
How is his mood? Do you think he is depressed or fearful of school?
Can you afford to seek help outside the school system and even try medication?
My son is in Year 8 and we had to look outside the school for help and he has been on medication for most of this year and he has improved greatly. It is not perfect but he is going to school most days and so has been able to re-engage with friends and keep up with the subjects more.

Does your son's friends go to the same school? Did you try them dropping by in a morning so that he can go with them? My son says that he can bottle up the anxiety enough when he goes with his dad, not to break down- but if he goes with me he just lets go and finds the emotions all flooding in. So sometimes it can also take someone else to step in and help. My ex husband takes him to school two days a week. This ensures he always does at least two days and takes the pressure off me. And what we have found is that he keeps going on the other days too.
He has little motivation to do the school work - but a lot of boys don't - so it might not be just our refusing kids it might be a more normal teenage thing.

What was your son like before it all started to unwind? Was it the transition to secondary school that started it?
Did you notice any symptoms at primary school? Eg. Not wanting to go on school camps, hard going back after holidays or not wanting to do any sleep overs etc? Sometimes there are signs but not significant enough to warrant any action at the time. The transition then seems to just bowl them over. School has a lot of expectations and a lot of stimulus that can overwhelm the anxiety.
Anyway - let us know what you have tried so far and someone on here might be able to let you know other steps you can try or might even come from your area.
Meanwhile- do something for yourself - you are a good mum and doing all you can to help your son. And embrace your son where he is now - he can't help how he feels and is probably frustrated as to why he feels this way.
Best wishes
Linda

Hi Natalie

I haven't checked the forum in a couple of weeks and only just saw your post. So sorry to hear you have been facing these difficulties.

I am also in Jersey, my daughter is also in year 10 and she spent a period of around 11 months out of school (end of year 8 and half of year 9), I was facing a lot of pressure from the education dept during that time. It was bullying that triggered my d's SR and thankfully she is now attending her new school although her anxiety about it is far from over. She missed a day due to anxiety last week.

My d did not respond well to the professionals at CAMHs or her new school counsellor (no-one dealing with her seemed to 'get it',it was all about getting a child back into school and NOT understanding her anxiety). Eventually the school and education referred our case to children's services, which I was horrified about - it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened, the lady assigned to us connected very well with my d and 'really got' what had happened to her and how she felt about school, she became an positive support for d, our family and an advocate for us too, with her support D started to make good progress and the pressure backed off a bit. I was also able to document the whole story factually and from our family's experience and I feel reassured that this is sitting on file there should I ever need it referred to (in my opinion there have been a lot of misjudgements and wrong turns taken by many of the education folks and profs involved in our case).

YES project here were also helpful to us and although I haven't got my d to attend Brook centre yet, I hear there is a lady there Ms Pinto who is qualified and experienced in many areas and wonderful at supporting teenagers. I spoke with her on the phone and she said it had to be my d's choice to go in and ask to see her, so far she hasn't done so (put off by experiences with professionals she has seen in the past) but perhaps it is a step your son may consider taking?

Getting as much support for yourself as you can is also very important. As mums in this position, we spend so much time worrying about and supporting our child as well as dealing with pressures from various authorities and fending off other folk's (even friend's and family's) opinions on the matter, it is exhausting.

If you would like to meet for a coffee and a chat some time, just let me know. My good wishes to you and your son, Clarity.