Hi

I can't remember if I've posted on here before or not, but in case I haven't, "hello"! I've got a 13 year old daughter who has refused to attend school since January and is diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. She is prescribed meds but refuses to take them and so the cycle continues. Her anxiety affects every aspect of her life and makes her very unhappy at times. She has always been anxious but her deterioration began when she moved up to Secondary School. She is now almost house bound, nocturnal and has had a complete mental, physical and emotional breakdown.

I cannot envisage her ever returning to full-time education in her current state. I believe she refuses to take the meds because she is scared that if she gets "better" she will have to go back to the school - we have tried to change schools but her poor attendance has meant none of the other local schools are prepared to offer her a place - I am not sure that she would be any happier or stable at another school anyway.

My question is, what alternatives are there out there? I have obviously considered home education but am still hoping to find a solution within the system. I am also unsure about the legal responsibility of the school and LEA. CAMHS have told the school that if she took her meds she would be fine and able to return, thus placing pressure on us as parents to "make her" take the meds. I do think the meds would help her find a better perspective on life but I am now fairly certain that she would still refuse to attend school. My daughter has a social worker allocated but even she seems unsure what help there is out there.

Welcome to our group, Rachael.

It is my guess that your daughter wants to have a bit of control over her life, and refusing to take her prescribed medication is one way of establishing that. It is usually accompanied by an 'It doesn't make any difference anyway', in my experience.

It is our duty as parents to ensure that our children receive an education. this does not have to be in school. It is also the education authority's responsibility to provide education for those children and young people within their boundaries. This does not have to be in mainstream education. The problem for the education authorities is that they have insufficient funds to provide alternatives, e.g. tutoring or small group facilities. The special education option is rarely offered, but is usually there. My daughter benefited from this for a short period, and from tutoring for a short time. Work was also sent home - teachers can do this by email - but this was not taken up. However, this all contributed to her rebuilding her self confidence and allowed her to return to school, albeit we had to take her into the private sector, one day, and even one lesson, at a time.

Also, look at Red Balloon, if they are in your area.

I am sure that this is a stressful time for you all. It was only when I was able to understand that this is something over which my daughter had little control, and that this is not the life she wanted to lead that I was able to be more relaxed and try to take the pressure off the whole family. Being able to talk about it on this website certainly helped (Thank you, my friends!).

Hi Simon

Thanks for your response, which is pretty much what I expected. I think we will end up home educating but, like I expect most parents in my position, I'm not sure if I'm up to the job. I'm reading up on some of the material I've found but its quite daunting and none of my family or friends think its the best idea (whilst at the same time offering no realistic alternatives). Meanwhile, my daughter is constantly miserable and frustrated because, in her words, she "has no life". I feel so let down by the whole system to be honest; we just keep getting passed from pillar to post with nobody really offering any answers or knowing where to send us next. Anyway, I'm going to go back to our doctor tomorrow because I am sure there is an undiagnosed Autistic Spectrum Condition underlying the anxiety (we have a higher than average number of autistic people in my family). It won't solve anything by finding out there is, but it will explain a few things and might help us find a way forward.

Oh, how I recognize the passing the buck syndrome.

When my son had a serious accident, all the agencies came together to ensure everything that could be done was done. I was particularly impressed by the case meeting where all the agencies came together. This never happened for my daughter and every new person who became involved had to ask all the same questions.

My blood pressure is going up just thinking about it.

Hi, My son has asd , forced him to most o the time in the last two years of primary. He has school refused since he went to secondary, he has not done one day there yet , he should be in year 8 now. He has been on prozac since April , he does take them but they have had absolutely no effect so far. He had a tutor for 8 months but couldn't engage with her ,said he was scared of her and used to run upstairs. He sees camhs but he won't talk to them , his anxiety is still so high. He thinks that everybody who helps him is trying to get him back to school. I have thought of home educating as well but I am not sure I want to do it. If he was going to school it is not something I would do at all.

Hi Rachael and Kathy

My heart goes out to you both - I can feel the stress you are under : (
Its really tough knowing what to do - what to say - who to turn to - isn't it. And our kids make no rational sense in their behaviour - but they can't help it.
In regards to medication. My story is a bit different in that my son had school refusal for a long time before he took this - and by this stage he just hated where and how he was and wanted to get better. We went through the whole - I don't want to get better scenario for a long time due to his lack of understanding of why he was like he was etc.
He also had forgotten what it felt like to actually engage anymore. The medication (fluvoxamine) has lifted his mood a lot and it is this that has helped him move forward, start to re-gain self esteem and start to manage his anxiety. He still is good at avoiding - but he does recognise his anxiety symptoms so much more now. He also knows that breaking 'through the barrier of fear' is something he sometimes just has to do as the other side is not as bad (even though his brain is telling him it is). So it takes quite a bit of understanding on the part of our kids and if they are feeling really low- then it is impossible for them to get their head around it all. My son still has setbacks - so it is not the complete answer but it has helped propel him forward. He has been on this since January. It took awhile to kick in - probably 2 months - and then it took another couple of months for him to then start to realise he could so something about his anxiety - so its been work in progress all year - but this time last year was a totally different story.

My feeling is that if the Prozac is not working by now that you should try another medication. A friend of mine's son had to try three different medications before they found one that worked. Some just don't work for some people. Interestingly, Prozac is not always the one they look at starting teenagers on - so there are certainly other medications out there that he could try.

In regards to your daughter, Rachael - my son was like that - don't want to get better because then I'll have to go to school. Is it possible to step right back from the school thing and just embrace your daughter where she is now and make her feel like she is totally accepted (the guilt taken off) and that you just want her to feel better about herself. You have probably done all of this and more - but sometimes it is hard for us to step back as everyone is telling us our kids have to be at school - so we are on a guilt trip too.
Would your daughter be willing to learn on-line. There has been some discussion on this forum about on-line learning. Here are just a few you might want to check out -from the basic on line learning to fee paying virtual classroom type situations.
http://www.briteschool.co.uk/

http://periplus.org.uk/

www.atschool.co.uk/

http://www.interhigh.co.uk/

At least it might be a stop gap - or Rachael - it might be something for your daughter to think about whilst trying medicaiton again. Tell her about this forum and that lots of kids to take medication in order to help their self esteem about life - not to do with school.
Stay in touch and let us know how you go.

Kathy - were you able to get support from the school? Has there ever been a threat of prosecution or have you managed to avoid all that?
Take care - do something for yourselves today - you both deserve it
Linda xx

Hello Rachael,
I've been away from the forum for a bit due to family health problems. I think if your daughter feels so bad about school then taking her off the roll might be the only way. I have had 2 boys with serious health problems and one in the middle who's been quite healthy so far. When the oldest was ill the secondary school did everything they could to facilitate his education. When the youngest got there 6 years later, the school was only interested in attendance statistics for years 7 to 9. He was on a reduced timetable but has chronic pain syndrome as a result of a pre-existing medical condition and so could not even manage that a lot of the time. The whole situation felt very unsupportive, for example he couldn't get upstairs a lot of the time and so had to go to another room for upstairs lessons. They never provided any work for him to do (I did this) and seemed content to stick him in a room doing nothing as long as he was in school. Unsurprisingly he ended up mainly having pain due to anxiety about school (as far as we could tell), rather than due to his original medical problem. CAMHS were good about coming to meetings at school but not at engaging with him. They saw him periodically and said he was "unsuitable" for CBT and that there was nothing else they could offer. The last comment was that if we thought anxiety was the main problem rather than something physical, we should ask the school to prosecute us so our son would force himself to go in! I said I'd take him out of school rather than put him through that and that I could not see how this would help his anxiety. So I'm afraid I'm not a CAMHS fan.

We did take him out of school as he was getting so anxious and therefore in so much pain, triggered by the anxiety, that he ended up in a wheelchair. Also I was feeling ready to strangle the person at school I had to deal with. When our oldest son had problems the SENCO was involved, with the younger one it was someone in charge of attendance. So the focus was completely different. I believe that sadly the vast majority of schools are like this now due to the pressure on them to excel in everything measurable, attendance being a big one.

Anyway, as my husband became seriously ill I could not take on home education as such so we used one of the online schools. It was a stop-gap for us as it is quite expensive but it meant he had more education than he was getting at school and kept the local authority off our backs. We are now intending to start GCSEs by correspondence course. We're a bit delayed as sadly my husband, the father of my lovely boys, died last month and we're not quite up to starting yet.

If you feel your daughter may have ASD then online schooling might be worth looking at as there is more control over contact with others than you get at a local school and this might feel more manageable. The schools have different policies on how children take part in lessons which you might like to consider. Some want the children to speak using mikes whereas with others it is optional or all contact is typed. I think first college is typing only, briteschool is optional (speak or type) and interhigh likes children to speak but you'd need to check this yourself.

Good luck with it all.

Hi Leah

I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
This has been such a hard road for you - you have done well to keep things together for your boys and find alternatives than the educational system that just don't allow for differences.
I hope you start to gain strength and can move forward with lovely memories -
It is so good of you to share your experience with school with others -
Take care and look after yourself
Linda xx