school refusers


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School Refusal
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New area

Hi, just found your forum. I started a new job in April this year in another part of the country - too far to commute although I did that until end June as my 16 year old son was in GCSE year 11. When he'd finished my wife, 12 yo daughter and him all moved up to be with me and we completed sale of our house (currently in a rented place pending completion of a purchase of a house in our new area).

My son did reasonably well in his GCSEs and certainly considering he'd known about the disruption of moving since January. He was accepted to do all the A Level subjects he'd chosen and the school 6th form he'd decided he wanted to go to had offered him a place - same school as his sister and we'd taken a few days back in February to go around 6 possible schools to give a choice over which one they'd like to go to.

Through the summer my son had become progressively more sullen, moody and withdrawn. Whenever my wife and/or me tried to get him to get involved in something/anything in our new area - pt job, coaching at a summer camp (he's always been quite sporty), preseason training to join a local football team etc he just wasn't interested or refused. Even coming out with us on family meals out were refused and ended in a tantrum. His days revolved around getting up, staying in his night gear, PS3/computer/tv etc and barely engaging with meals or going outside.

It's all escalated badly since the school term started and we're now heading into a 3rd week of refusal to even start the term at his new school - bizarrely he did go away for a 2 day residential 6th form induction with his new school just before the term (team building/outdoor stuff) but came back from that adamant he wasn't going there. His mood swings are huge and he's also getting more verbally and physically abusive - tonight's argument ended with him jumping out a kitchen window, throwing gravel back through it at my wife and I then cracking one of the panes before storming off into a windy, cold night in bare feet, shorts and a T-shirt. We got him back inside but it's the 2nd time in a week we've had to go out to find him.

He keeps saying he won't go to any school here and will only go to his old school 200+ miles away to be with his old mates. We think we're beyond a simple issue of moving/not settling though as we think there are a whole load of confidence and self-esteem issues about appearance, acne (which is quite bad for him just now), negative peer comparisons etc in the mix and together blocking him even wanting to try and make a new start.

Compared with people on this board who've had months/years of refusal to deal with this will sound new and trivial I'm sure but any advice/tips we can work with would be great as we just don't want this to get embedded. It's also making the transition for my wife, daughter and me much more difficult at a time when we have our own settling into a new area issues to deal with.

Re: New area

Richard, your son's situation is not at all trivial, and you are very welcome here as part of our group.

Your son clearly needs help, and is not accepting it from you or your wife. Nothing too unusual there!

He may think he is, but he is not too old to talk to someone at ChildLine. He can do this online as well as by phone. He needs to stumble across the contact details (0800 1111 and childline.org.uk). Have a look at the website yourself! Tips on starting at a new school are mostly aimed at those moving up from primary, but there may be something there.

Can you go back to your previous area for a weekend so that he can maintain contact with his old friends? Maybe in a month or two? It would be good for you too, I expect. Actually, he is probably old enough to make the journey himself. I certainly was travelling on my own at that age. Presumably he is already in touch with his friends via Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Xbox, etc. Do you talk to him about his friends? Was there someone particularly special about whom he has not shared details?

Is he aiming for university? That will involve moving away from home, moving away from friends and moving into a new studying environment in a couple of years. This experience should stand him in good stead for that.

I hope it was not too cold at breakfast this morning! Not a good start to the week. Your son knows what is expected of him; you just need to find a way of enabling him to come to terms with that without putting too much pressure on yourselves.

I have probably not shared anything here that you have not already thought of, but hope that my good wishes to you all can give you some support.

Yours aye,

Simon

Re: New area

Hi Richard

It must be so hard for you at the moment - and especially hard for you son.

What you have described is certainly not trivial...any refusal to attend school is terribly stressful for you as a parent, whether it has just started or has been going on for a long time.
There is lots of support on here - so stick around and you can offload your stress levels as well as hopefully pick up some ideas from others.

Did you son have any symptoms in the past that you can recall that could indicate anxiety of any kind?
Changing schools when he had a good set of friends - but was also very self conscious, would have been a huge thing for him -and maybe this was enough to just tip him int a completely bewildering world for him? Going on the camp could have worked either way perhaps - depending on how accepted he felt. Being on the outer on a camp could be an awful experience. He possibly also experienced others judging him in ways he had not experienced before if he was known and had been more or less accepted as who he was at his old school.
Simon has made some good suggestions, regarding re connecting with his friends as well as him using childline.

It also sounds like your son does need to talk to a professional of some kind - a psychologist/counsellor etc so that he can express more clearly what he is feeling. You might need to go through a local doctor and ask for a recommendation to any support you can find in your new area as well as to rule out any underlying issue.

Perhaps the main thing at the moment - if you can - is to just step back and accept that your son can't help how he feels. He probably doesn't know what is happening to him- but his whole world is on its head. His moods would be reflecting how lost he feels. Taking the pressure off attending school at the moment and getting some professional help might allow him to at least start to feel he can connect. The guilt that our kids feel sometimes can eat them away (and it eats us away as parents too). Does he get along better with yourself or your wife? Could he spend a bit of time just with one of you doing something totally unrelated to school? Do you have any family in the area? Could a family member come over to the house and just hang out?
Is there a role your son could play in getting to know your new area by searching up things on the net or connecting via computer to any local society/group etc?
Have you managed to speak to anyone at the school? They should be offering some support but might not quite know what is happening at the moment. Perhaps they have a member of staff who could come out and meet your son? They might have some suggestions as to how to integrate your son slowly into the school scene.
It is early days yet but there is also on-line learning...
Sorry I am just throwing ideas around here - not sure if they are in directions you can go right now or not. But remember, you are not alone - this is something that seems to effect a lot of kids - and there are probably other kids at the new school who are having trouble getting to school too. You are doing all you can as a parent and you were not to know any of the move would result in this. Embrace your son where he is now - and take the pressure off to attend at the moment. Entice him out of his gloomy mood in other ways - but don't expect the school thing to happen before he gets his head around what has just happened to him either.
Its a tough time for you - but hang in there - answers will come your way - and small steps are always good.
Take care and stay in touch
Linda

Re: New area

Simon and Linda,

Thanks for such prompt responses and some very practical and straightforward advice. As I sit here at my desk at work having had less than a couple of hours sleep this type of clarity is so helpful.

I suppose we've always seen our son as quiet but involved, albeit had started to get mildly concerned that he seemed to be on the edge of friendship groups and "tagging along" to trips to the cinema etc rather than instigating contact with friends or making the running in organising anything. His one big activity outside school was Saturday league football (mainly with other boys from his school), and as I was involved first hand with coaching his team I saw directly how he interacted - he seemed comfortable and reasonably at ease in their company although certainly for the past couple of years he seemed to find it really difficult to control his anger on the pitch at times when decisions or events weren't going his/the team's way. I'd put that down to just being a teenager.

Despite wanting to get back to his old school he really hasn't made massive strides to stay in touch/contact with his friends over the summer since we've moved - through txt/FB/online - as far as we can see. In fact I'd say he's deliberately tried to block doing that as he just says what's the point in keeping close. We were as a family back in our old town for a wedding a weekend or so ago and a couple of his old mates were at that - he seemed to slot back in fine with them and also engage openly with some adult friends of ours in asking how he was getting on. Yet when he had the chance after the wedding/next day to go and see some other mates he's had since starting school at 5 he didn't want to and just wanted to head back up to our new home. I know some of these boys had been trying to txt and stay in touch with him but feedback is that he hasn't responded.

We have managed to get him to one session with a specialist youth counsellor - and have another scheduled for this evening (if we can get him to go). Also just waiting for his head of 6th form to call so I can let her know that it doesn't look like there is any chance of him suddenly going to school anytime soon and to see what other approaches/help they can suggest.

Richard

Re: New area

Hi Richard

Its a difficult time for you. Your picture of your son sounds like perhaps he hasn't had to make much of an effort in the past to 'tag along' or be part of them - and perhaps staying in touch is something that comes from kids with more confidence. My son also chose not to stay in touch with two good friends he had at Primary school. They did their best with emails and even dropping by. So the friendships just disappeared and he had to make new friends - which he has done over time. It does take effort to keep in touch and if you are feeling a bit low yourself - I'd imagine it would be even harder and each text from them reminds him of where he isn't. So it is kind of understandable I guess - but not at all helpful!

Is there any football team he can connect with at your new place? Sounds like he has the skills to fit in and do well - but would have to feel a bit better about himself first maybe.
My son's anger used to come out at home - and this was his frustration at his anxiety - as he wasn't even a teenager then. He once threw things around because his cousin was coming over to help him with some maths.
The anger has now mostly subsided - he is on medication which has lifted his mood and therefore made his anxiety manageable. His anxiety hasn't gone - but he can manage it now and doesn't find it is taking over everything. he still never has friends over or goes to their place but he is getting along well with his peers at school.
If your son has done well at school so far - then at least he doesn't have a whole lot of catching up to do- which is often the case with School Refusal if it starts earlier. So if you can find ways to lift his self esteem - then the school might start to happen as well.
Good luck with the counsellor - its hard getting them there, isn't it! But if you tell your son its not about school but about how he feels about life - he might be more willing. If he thinks seeing the counsellor is just one step in your plan to get him to school - he will resist (as my son kept doing!).
hang in there - take care
Linda

Re: New area

Richard - I just posted these on the other post - but they might be of interest to your son too? Give him something to think about as an alternative - and from your point of view perhaps until he gets his head around it all and can re think about school? Do a search on the net anyway - and you might come up with a lot more.

And if it continues for some time - don't be afraid of medications that might help his mood. My son is on Fluvoxamine and it has lifted his mood so that he no longer has anger outbursts, he tries to manage his anxiety, and he recognises symptoms of anxiety (something he could never do in the past as it was all just to much and he wanted to crawl under the bed covers and not come out again).

http://www.briteschool.co.uk/

http://periplus.org.uk/

www.atschool.co.uk/

http://www.interhigh.co.uk/

Good luck
Linda

Re: New area

Linda, thanks again for your suggestions.

The latest position from his new school (who've frankly been a but sterile and lacking in empathy about all this in terms of making any really proactive suggestions to help) is that because of the demands of the AS curriculum he will have missed too many lessons already by the end of this week and they'd be recommending he defers starting until Sep 2014. I thought that sounded a bit harsh but a friend who is an A-Level teacher in another area confirmed that this is pretty well the policy at her school as well - the hamster-wheel nature of modern teaching where missing lesson slots means you fall off the conveyor belt I guess - and of course they can't risk screwing up their stats now.

We're trying not to put pressure on our son (some of the suggestions made here in response to my first post) and trying to let him see that maybe taking that time to get to know the area, get a p/t job, take part in some non-school related sport/clubs etc could help him build his confidence and be much better equipped and more mature to really be set up for starting next year. His initial reaction though is that he doesn't want to fall behind his age group and give himself a whole new set of problems in explaining to people why he's a year back. He's still stuck though in wanting to be 200 miles away at his old school as the only option for him where he'd be comfortable to a point with some of his old friends - the thought of trying to walk into a new school/groups here is just terrifying him. So a bit rock and a hard place really.

He's been for 3 counselling sessions now and that is really helping as he's calmer, more rational and considered after those - maybe if we can get him to take the first step to go to school and continue that support in the background we might get somewhere.

Richard

Re: New area

Hi Richard,

Glad to hear the counselling is going well so far - sound like your son needs someone outside of the family to offload to at the moment. You have quite a few options floating around - its hard when the schools sound inflexible but I guess they are held to the curriculum and each step along the way being covered. Is there no 'special consideration' of any kind given say to a child who falls ill at the start of the final year? This can allow the child to go back to school but the work missed is basically given an 'average' in terms of other work completed or just left altogether but taken into consideration with final marks. Perhaps only some schools can consider this individually.
Having trouble with an inflexible school is pretty much the norm, Richard. School seem unable to cope with a child that has trouble attending. They also feel they are not compelled to make adjustments as they would if your son had a recognised 'disability'.
Let us know how you go - and glad to hear the stepping back might help the overall mood/feelings of your son. He's certainly faced a big challenge in his life.
Take care
Linda

Re: New area

Hi,

I am not sure whether it is reassuring or not to read such similar experiences.
I moved with my three children this last August after a very difficult 9 months due to personal circumstances. Unfortunately, my children were not able to have any say in which school we were moving to - some 200 miles away also.

My 14 year old daughter has attended for one day only and could not go back. She is just starting her GCSE's. Similar to your son, she is becoming increasingly isolated in her room, coming out only to eat or when I ask her to. She refuses to get dressed or showered unless we have been invited out and has to go! I would say it is verging on the agorophobic now. Outside represents where she doesnt want to be, whereas in the house could be anywhere - this is as much as she can articulate. She has never had any other problems at school, always been popular and has very good friends back where we moved from.

In terms of help - I have now asked for an urgent referral to CAMHS as the educational social worker wasnt able to help and because she hasnt really attended school she is not "on roll" and despite their fantastic pastoral care support she cannot access it!

CAMHS have specific expertise in "school refusers" and have a team consisting of a clinical psychologist, mental health practitioner etc who will work together to hopefully turn this around before it becomes entrenched, which we know then becomes very difficult to manage. We aregoing to meet with the CAMHS mental health practitioner tomorrow. They are going to carry out a detailed assessment of my daughter with her separately and with us together. I can let you know how we get on and whether I think this looks to be a promising approach. My sister worked in CAMHS for years and this is what she recommended and my GP was in complete agreement.

Hope that helps.

Mags

Re: New area

Mags,

Thanks for posting your email earlier today - there do seem to be a lot of parallels with what you are experiencing with your daughter and what we're facing here. Things have deteriorated since my last email as my son is refusing to go to counselling again, doesn't care that time is/has run out at school for this year and despite having rather half-heartedly looked online at the potential of doing an apprenticeship with college day release it's clear his heart isn't in it. I think your agoraphobic analogy is very apt and can see him slipping every day into those behaviours.

Getting him to face up to the fact that he has a problem now is so difficult though and his mum and me are running out of ideas and approaches. He ran away last Sunday (no money and only the clothes he was wearing) returning nearly 4 hours later - no remorse, no acknowledgement of the pain he'd put us through. I'd be really interested to hear how the CAMHS approach works for you.

Richard

Re: New area

hi
Sorry to read what your going through with your son.

one thing struck me was when you wrote about him running away for 4 hours (no money, no clothes).
my nephew did the very same at 18 and in his final year in school.

he had never really settled into school, never really applied himself, and after refusing to go back after 3rd year (in southern ireland), he changed to another school, but it was the same story. missed days, refusal to go in, never settling.

he finally just disappeared one day. luckily he was found in a homeless shelter 24 hours later nearly 250 miles away.

his family had been frantic, but he seemed unaware of the distress and anxiety he had caused.

an assessment showed aspergers syndrome, something he had never been tested for before.

it finally started to explain a lot of his past behaviour to his parents.

he did eventually agree to attend a course run specifically for people with varying disabilities, and he seemed to finally find a place he was happy going to.

i know this is probably no help to you, but i just want to show that sometimes we don't know whats going on in our children's minds and sometimes, neither do they.

i really hope things improve for your family, i know it's very tough.