My son is 18 and refuses to go into College for his final year of A level studies. He is smart (all A stars at GCSE) and is taking 4 A levels - he is not truanting or smoking weed, but lying in bed and watching videos. He was in the Upper Sixth of an academic school last year, but after a spell of school refusal he decided not to take any A levels and to try again this year. But despite his insistence that he would be fine this year, he has started to stay in bed all day once again. He is too old for me to 'force' into lessons.
He fits the profile of a school refuser -
sensitive
wounded by adverse comments from teachers
unrealistically high goals for themselves
As his mother I veer between shouting and sympathy. Who can I talk to about this? I have tried to get him to behaviour therapy but he won't go. Is there a specialist that I can see who could help me?

Hi Janey

Sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your son. It must be so frustrating that he has come this far and now can't get himself to move forward. Were there symptoms earlier than last year? Did something change -friends leave - an incident happen - that you can think of that might have started this? Is he avoiding friends or doesn't have any at the moment?

Were the school sympathetic? Was or is there someone at the school who you might be able to talk to first?
At your son's age I'd also be thinking this might be depression more than anxiety? What do you think? With high expectations of himself - he might have just shut down at the thought of sitting the final exams as it is all too much.
Do you think you could manage to take him to the doctor and start there? Your doctor might be able to refer him to others. I know its a really hard job to get them to actually visit these people - but he might be less inclined to resist the doctor. A private psychologist sounds like something you might then want to try.

Do you know the following organisation? They have a helpline for parents.
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/worried_about_your_child/depression
There is also:
http://www.supportline.org.uk
or
/http://www.relateforparents.org.uk/

and although nothing has been diagnosed and your son is 18 - the following group might be able to give you some advice as to where to go or what you can do. They are often very helpful to those with school refusal and there are lots of local groups that you can locate on the website.
http://www.parentpartnership.org.uk

Unfortunately there is no one organisation that deals with School Refusal but there are various groups that deal with depression in teenagers or teenage issues in general.
Stay in touch Janey and let us know how you go. Everyone on here understands how frustrating things can be and so you can just offload your frustration or ask for advice - lots of support.
Take care -
Linda

Hi Janey

I empathise with you - my son is 16 and didn't attend his final GCSE year. He too was on track for A/A*s and high achievers seems to be a common thread with school refusers. My son's school refusal developed from really low self esteem and social anxiety. He thought he was really fat and ugly (he was neither of these) and couldn't face seeing anyone. We have been down the route of anti depressants and CBT and are now seeing a private psychologist although my son refuses to see her directly. We have appointments with her where we discuss how he is and what he has been doing and try to find ways of moving forward. Even though my son doesn't see her at the moment my husband and are find it helps to just talk. No-one realises the pressure we are all under unless they have a child in a similar situation.

Luckily my son's school appealed to the exam boards and he was awarded five GCSE's based on his results from the first half which he took early and his coursework. He got 4 A's and 1 B which we were delighted with when we had thought he would leave school with no qualifications. I have looked into him studying for an A level from home but when I gave him all the information he started to panic and cry saying he couldn't cope with the deadlines and the pressure. So I guess we have just got to wait it out.

My son went to the pictures a couple of weeks ago (the first time he had been out socially for a year!) and it felt like we have won the lottery!! We can see tiny *****s of light and so have to stay positive and hope things will eventually improve. Does your son have friends and does he socialise or has this affected his social life too?

I don't feel in a position to give anyone advice but all I would say is that it seems to help if you step back and let them feel that all pressure has been removed. A levels are something that they can pick up at any time and your son has got amazing GCSE results ready for him to move onto the next level.

Please remember you are not alone. Let us know how you get on.

xx