My daughter is 5 yo. She just started to preliminary school. After couple of days, she tried so many tactics to stop us sending her to school but failed. Finally she got sick and her sickness survive more than normal duration. Evenso my wife and me pushed her to attain school. She refuse eating, using medicines and sleeping. We now hesitate whether we must push her as decisive parents or allow her relaxation at home.

I had some test in school. When any councellor or teacher ask her about the school, she replies "I love my teacher, i love my class,friends,etc....". She leave the school so happy at the end of day. However, when she stays alone with us, immediately she start to cry and talk about her wish to refuse.

I requested the teacher to replace him for 1 day. He accepted and i acted as teacher in class. My daughter was so happy and stubber for my continuation next day!

Now looking for some magic treatment but no certain solution!

Hi

Its hard when they don't want to go to school but you are not sure why. No magical answers - but I can give some ideas from my own experience and some resources below. My guess from my own experience is that your daughter has strong separation anxiety. It is therefore important that you do try and do all you can to keep getting her to school. Some children will then get over this before it gets worse. Which family member takes her to school? Can you change who takes her to school? Perhaps she is just a little bit afraid to cry in front of one parent - and therefore might go more easily with that parent?
Is it possible for the teacher to visit you at home to get to know your daughter better?
It is really hard - but it is important at her age to get her to school each day. My son also started to refuse school when he was 5 and as I was on my own I did not have the back up to try and get him there every single day - so it went on for a long time and then got worse. I know how heart breaking it is though - it is a very emotional time for you.
Make sure the school understands how serious this is - and that you need all their support. Perhaps there is a teacher who can be with your daughter as soon as she arrives - or another student? Is there a student she can go to school with?
The biggest fear is 'getting to school' - not the school itself at this age. I used to talk to my son about the anxiety being a dragon inside his tummy (as he felt so sick) and that he had to tame the dragon - and get the dragon to be his friend and not his enemy as the dragon tried to play tricks on him to stay home. Talking like that can help.
Which country are you in? There are some books available on-line for younger children that you might like to read as a parent even -
The book ' Stomp out the ants' is aimed at children.
http://www.sally-annemccormack.com.au/index.php/store?

This second book' Go away Mr Worry Thoughts' was written to help the author's son who had anxiety.
http://www.happyhero.com.au/page=shop.product_details&category_id=1&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=21

I have also used the following book for my son when he was little - 'What to do when you worry too much' (available on Amazon)
http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144

and a site for parents
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/separation_anxiety_causes_prevention_treatment.htm

The main thing is to get help now - so you are doing the right thing. Your daughter needs to change her negative thought patterns - so any kind of cognitive behaviour therapy for children is worthwhile. Also tough love is said to be better than giving in....but I never quite got around that one.
Let us know how you go - there are lots of supportive people on here - so come back and talk to us at any time.
Linda

Dear Linda,,

Thanks for your advices. I tried to care whatever you suggest.
Me and my wife associate our daughter when go and back to school.
I tried to invite concellors and teacher for cooperation, but, unfortunetely they do not listen to us due to an excuse that they can not lose time with every individual. Number of kids per teacher is 20.
By the way, we are from Turkey.

It took one month since my daughter started the school. She is still in same anxiety and has same dosage of phobia.

When i zoom out to my daughter in her class, i observed that social children unite and play together, timid ones try to join them and stay silenced and disappointed when rejected. Mine tries to attempt and approach to others for getting friendship but can not trigger upon any rejection.

I worry about her future. If i push her to continue like this, she may have a negative strain and a bad permanent spot in her conscious.

She wake up and ask us whether tomorrow is school day or off. Every morning she cries. I really do not know how to develop her behavioral skills and theach to cope with difficulties within her childish society.

Thanks for your patience and reading.

Cumasa Yin

My son had school refusal one day during the first grade when he was 6 years old. I had to drag him from my car into the classroom. After that one episode he was okay for 6 years. Then a teacher humiliated him in class. Since that time he has had serious depression and anxiety. It gets better some times but he struggles a lot.

Your daughter probably has separation anxiety. Search for a good therapist so she can learn to deal with this now.
She may need therapy off and on throughout her childhood. It is best to start now.

This might not get better on its own. It needs proper psychological attention. I wish I had put my son in therapy back then after the first sign of trouble but he seemed to be okay after that one day. If I were wise I would have taken him to therapy anyway. He used to be a happy boy but not anymore.

Dear Cumasa Yin

Merhaba!
It must be very hard for you to know what to do. The school should be doing so much more for your daughter. They cannot use the excuse that they cannot care for one individual. If your daughter had a physical disability and could not walk - they would need to make special arrangements and care for her classroom activities and finishing work.
Unfortunately many teachers think our children are just being naughty. But they are not. They will do anything to avoid what is making them feel so bad.
But - you do need to get help now. Very important that you find someone who will work with your daughter to discuss the separation anxiety. if you cannot get anyone then you might have to make up your own program.

The main thing is ' exposure...in very small doses' over time. It might start outside the school environment. Can you leave your daughter with a friend or family member for a very short period of time? - and then keep extending it. Then try the school environment again. Leave for a very short period of time (even just 10 minutes the first time is ok) and then extend it slowly over a couple of weeks or more. But don't give in. So if after the first 10 minutes your daughter is terribly distressed and begs you not to leave her next day for any longer - you just have to. It is really hard emotionally on us but I now wish I had done that when my son was 5 but like you, back then I was given no help. I was told to leave him at school all day and just keep dragging him there- but he needed to take much smaller steps. They key is small steps but consistent steps.

Some of our children with school refusal are on the autism disorder spectrum. Is there any way in Turkey of diagnosing if this may even be the case with your daughter? Have you got an opinion from a good doctor that deals with children's issues?
Unfortunately I do not know what is available in Turkey!! I am just so glad that you found us on here - we are all supportive and understand how hard things are for you at the moment.
Like Terskac says though - you need to get help for your daughter as it is not going to go away by itself and if she can learn to manage her anxiety now - she will be ok later on and you won't have to spend her whole schooling worrying about lack of attendance.
Let us know how you go - and just come on here any time and talk to us - I check almost every day.
Hosca Kalin ...
Take care
Linda

Hi Mrs. Linda,

I waited long to reply you since i examined my daughter while. Everybody needs some time for adapting new conditions, environments. I got patient against her and supervised her for school activities.

My wife acted more brilliant than me. She arranged ladies parties and collected kids in my daughter's class and their mums. THe kids have found the chance to play, to socialize out of school.

Now they meet once a week in a brunch, dinner or party. School time is just seen as a continuation of enjoyment.

I strongly suggest such organizations among the parents against school refusing by kids.

Cordially,

Cumasa Yin

Dear Cumasa Yin

This is lovely to hear. It is so important to help children when they are young. It sounds very much like your daughter was suffering separation anxiety and needed something to distract her - playing with others and so forth.
Your wife has found something that i hope you can continue - you are right in that children do need connections and they need to have friends to link with - otherwise they find the anxiety is worse.
Good luck and I hope your daughter continues to thrive.
All the best
Linda