Hi Everyone,

The past few weeks have been tough on my family. This has seriously disrupted my family. Thankfully the school system's attorney is a bright and effective person. At the attorney's suggestion the school system hired a psychologist with a great reputation to get involved. I think her task was to evaluate my son and his parents' weaknesses. We have followed her instructions very carefully and she has told that to the school system. She suggested that the school send over the police officer if my son won't come to school. He has been taught coping skills and he has no reason to not be there. They have agreed to this and so far it has worked. All I have to do is call the school and tell them to be ready to send over the school police officer and my son gets out of bed pretty quickly. He has only missed one day out of the last 5. Without this cooperation between parents, therapist and school nothing would have been accomplished. He is in a better mood now too because he feels less disappointed in himself. This will have to be a permanent option for me if my son is to succeed.

Parents can't fight with their kids over this so much. It doesn't work. The threat of being taken to school in a police car
is doing the trick. No more shouting matches. No more wrestling matches.

Don't be afraid to ask your school to do this if your child is well enough. My son was too ill last year but now he is better so it's off to school. No excuses. Gentle but overwhelming force and inevitability got my son unstuck.

I can't promise this will work permanently but it is working for now.

This is good to hear Terskac. It's the threat that does the trick by the sound of it. SOmetimes they need that extra outside force, don't they.
For me it is a threat to ring his dad to take him that has had a similar effect or even just tell his dad that we are having trouble and my son gets worried his dad will turn up I don't always do this - but it did stop me fighting with him - which wore me down to the ground.
Its tough, isn't it - but you have stuck by your son all the way and he will deep down be glad there is something outside the family driving him to get there.
HOpe it continues
all the best
Linda

Hi Terskac

You must feel so relieved that your son is now responding to the support around him and more importantly that the support team around him although working with firm boundaries, are also there to support your son in showing him that he can attend school and overcome his anxiety. So important too that the bulk of pressure to have him in school has been taken from your shoulders.

In the end it was a combination of tough love and a supportive and empathic children's services officer that worked for my daughter too. She went to live with her father for 6 months because he is much firmer than me. Now she is in school full time and attending physical ed classes too (even enjoying PE!). She still says she hates school life but she now accepts there are no choices at this stage, she has to attend until she finishes her GCSE year ends. She is doing well with her studies and seems to have caught up on most subjects.

Like your son, my d would not have been ready for this tougher approach even a few months before it was implemented. I believe timing for each step forward is of top importance when it comes to dealing with an SR child.

I hope your son's progress continues to go from strength to strength and that the weight of your own worries and stress continues to ease. It takes time to regain a feeling of 'normality' again and even now I sometimes question 'is it real and can it last' - I guess this is the result of my own ptsd after being on this journey with my d.

Best wishes to you and your son, Clarity

Hi Clarity

Its good to hear things are still going well with your daughter. I think you are so right - there is the right time for this kind of approach and especially when they are teenagers. They have so much else going on and their mental health is vital - so they have to get to move forward just that bit, don't they - before you can take these kind of steps.
For me it was the medication that helped my son move into a better place in his mind - and then I could put more force on. Like you - my ex is firmer than me - but he can also be in that position as he is not so emotionally weighed down by the whole thing - as you were also. So we are too close in some respects. That is why it does take a team approach.
Its good to hear these stories. We are still not on firm ground yet - but I feel that my son is in such a better place in his mind these days that I am sure he will find more and more ways to move forward. He easily gives in if he is sick - and that is something I am still working on as it can set us back quite a way when he otherwise goes in fine.
He is not keeping up with the school work very well yet - but I feel so much different about even that than I did 12 months ago. It takes time, doesn' it. As both yourself and Terskac know too - it takes just an incredible amount of patience and determination on our parts...hard to explain to others who don't go through this.
Take care - and hope you can help many others on here with your positive experience...: )
Linda

Three days in a row as of today! I think that is more than he been so far this term. He is also spending the entire day at school. Before he would call me to get him after 90 minutes or so.

He only complained of an upset stomach today and he still won't go into the building alone but he will go to the doors alone and wait for the teacher to get him. He used to wait in the car fort the teacher to get him and then he still had to be begged.

The school administration was very reluctant to implement the police officer method. It took much persuasion by their therapist, my son's therapist and my lawyer. Now that they know an effective plan for students like this I hope they can help other families.

Step by step, this is how it went for my d too. We didn't have a police officer but on the first day her father sat with her in his car outside the school for several hours, teachers coming to encourage her in etc. Eventually it was boredom and the cold that got her in there, that was back in January and now almost 10 months later she is attending like any other student.

I really hope education and mental health services start to learn what works with SR children and what doesn't - most importantly WHEN to implement steps.

Great to hear your son has managed three days, may his confidence keep growing and your stress ease up more and more too.

I should clarify some details about my son's progress. He is arriving a bit late every day and leaving one hour early.
He just goes to a room to work with a tutor. He is not attending classrooms. Throughout the day a few other students come and go to this room. Most of them are a little behind in their work and come for assistance with the tutor.

Today was the first day he entered the school unaccompanied. He navigated the gauntlet of people in the front office that interrogate him every time with the same questions about why he is late or leaving early. By now they have gotten used to him having his own schedule. Perhaps he has figured out how to handle their questions himself.

Next week we will try adding a couple more hours to the day and perhaps a classroom reintegration.
He is getting bored in that windowless room all day. That could be an incentive to go to a classroom.

your description of your son's school day at present, is a carbon copy of how it was for my d back in January this year right down to the questions of the other kids.

Boredom with being in learning support was a big part of my d taking the step to attend a few classes, now 10 months on she is in all classes. I hope it will be similar for your son too, the main thing (while in school) is that he feels understood and supported by his educators, that he is in control of when he is ready to take a step forward - in time hopefully he will find support in new friendships too. My d has only recently started to bond more closely with a small group of friends, boys and girls. It is great to see.

I look forward to hearing more about your son's progress.

Thanks for the advice on getting back into the classroom Clarity. He felt rushed a bit and had a setback the past two days. I am happy that he is in the school building. The school can make sure he gets an education while he's there.

It gives me hope that your daughter was in a similar situation and is doing so well now.