school refusers


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School Refusal
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A set back

My son has been hospitalized. He was being pressured to start returning to classes before he felt ready. Although he agreed to try in reality he was barely making it to school at all. When he refused to go to school the other day the therapist said he should go to the hospital if he is too depressed to go to school at all. I had to call an ambulance as he refused to go there with me. When the emergency people arrived he quickly lost his defiant attitude and agreed to go to the emergency room. He was admitted once a bed became free. We have a serious shortage of beds in pediatric psychiatric wards. His mood was better the first couple days but now he has become depressed and defiant again. He says he can't return to the classroom. He can only work with the tutor in school.

I am really sad about this. I'm afraid my son is much more ill than previously hoped. I found a few knives in his room
next to his bed. I'm afraid he is going to hurt himself if he gets out of the hospital.

I don't see the point of sending him to this school when it is so difficult and he can't manage to attend normal classes. If he is not directly supervised he won't work. Even the police officer thought he should be somewhere else and his job is to get my son to school.

I am doing all I honestly can. I don't think I can do anymore.

Re: A set back

Terskac

So sorry this has happened. It sounds like the pressure school authorities have been putting on your son to be in the classroom is too much at the moment. It makes me so angry because the 'system' does not see that it can be a big part of the problem too. Many of my d's backward steps were because of school authorities expecting too much too soon and pushing far too hard. It only added to her feelings of guilt and failure.

Although sometimes they do need a push (at the right time!) SR kids need to move at a pace they are comfortable with and this pace must be too fast for your son. You must be so worried about finding the knives, has he self-harmed before? It may be his way of letting you know he cannot cope with current pressure.

Are you happy with the therapist currently working with your son? If not, is there any way to bring in someone you feel your son will connect with better? I hope school authorities back off a bit and once he is home from hospital allow your son to proceed with a tutor at school for the time being.

Perhaps the police officer would be able to share his observations? We are the only real buffers our kids have, but having professionals supporting us, who really 'see' the situation for what it is can be a big relief. I hope you are able to find someone in your son's support team who can advocate for his current needs.

Sending good wishes to your and your family and I hope current events are just a way of your son saying 'NO at the moment I am not ready to take the steps you want me to.' When the pressure is off let's hope he is able to re-engage with his tutor and his studies. He will move forward in his own time and not to the beat of the school authorities drum.

I hope you are able to get rest for yourself while your son is hospitalised. It is so easy for us to lose sight of ourselves when caring for and defending our kids.

Re: A set back

Sorry to hear about this. It must be very painful to see your son like this.
I just wonder if everyone is able to step back from this situation and deal with just your son's depression at this stage? Although he might not be able to go back to school he might be able to look at alternatives on-line or later. I'd imagine guilt is eating him up at the moment.

I know that guilt can weigh extremely heavy on School Refusers - they feel they have let the family and themselves down. So that guilt as well as the depression will leave him floundering.

I know you haven't had success with medication in the past but there might still be something out there for your son to take - don't give up hope.

I really don't know what to say - just throwing ideas around from what I understand of your situation. I know that it is mostly yourself in the family who has been doing all this for your son and it might be hard to step back from the situation and the desire for him to attend school - but perhaps it might ease his feeling of having let you and himself down.
I hope you can talk to your son about just getting better and leave school out of the equation. He will find his self worth some other way - and you may need to be creative in what this might be - and get family members or friends involved. Take the pressure off yourself in you can too - you have done everything you can to get your son an education via the normal means. Embrace him where he is now - he will need your approval and acceptance to be able to feel better about himself.
Take care
Linda

Re: A set back

Hi again

Hows things today with your son? Is he home now?
Remind him that he went away with you this year and managed that well - so he can be proud of himself. And he can be proud of the effort he put into trying to go to school - it doesn't matter that he couldn't keep going. Emphasise that it wasn't his fault and that what he is suffering is not his fault at all and you will find ways forward to just feel better within himself - nothing to do with school.

Does the hospital have any follow up when they have a teenager admitted?
You didn't exactly say - and that is fine - why you had to call the ambulance - but that in itself would have been quite traumatic and such a let down feeling for him - that he was out of control or 'everything was out of his control - so it might take him awhile to adjust to what just happened. Its hard for adults to move on from something like that - and also admitting that it came to that - so as a teenager I would imagine it must be frustrating/depressing beyond belief?

You need support yourself on this - is there a group for parents you can join? Are there any parent support groups for suicidal teenagers or self harming teenagers? There are probably others out there like you - its just a matter of finding them. Stay strong - tiny steps - embrace your son where he is now....that's about all I can say at the moment. But thinking of you at this worrying time.
Linda

Re: A set back

He was released from the hospital and it was too early. He was a crying, hostile mess in the car on the way home. I quite nearly drove him back but he would have run away.

Now that he's had a few hours he has settled down.

The therapist has agreed to tell the school to quit pushing him. They really don't understand anxiety and panic.
Most of the school's suggestions are harmful. My lawyer is going to suggest having him go to a therapeutic school.
He is not going to get better in this school environment. He was okay in the groups in the hospital thankfully. They are small and there is a trained therapist there to help the kids. He just can't handle a school with 1500 student and classes with 30 kids students in them.

Now my younger child is starting to exhibit school refusal too.

Re: A set back

Glad to hear he is home but that he also was able to work with the group therapy in hospital. It must be very scary for you son to feel this way.
Sorry to hear your younger son is exhibiting symptoms! That's all you need! It might just be a reaction to everything else going on at home at the moment though...
Let us know how you go
Linda

Re: A set back

i am so sorry to read your posts regarding your son.
from my own point of view i would let him step back from school.
i haven't posted here in a long time but i do log in every few days to keep up-to-date.

what your boy has been going through is so tough, but when you weight up school versus mental health, we as parents know what is the most important thing to home in on.

how is he doing at home now?

having gone through school refusal with my daughter, i feel the frustration and sadness that parents who deal with this every day suffer.
i gave up asking why it was happening. i just focused on making myself let the school issue go at the time. it was not, in my opinion, worth the stress.

your other son is probably feeling a little out of it with all the stress surrounding his brother. he is probably worried and concerned but may not be able to express this to you.

i know it's easier for me to have removed my daughter from school when the issues started as the constitution here in ireland allows the parent to educate their child, doesn't have to be in a school setting.
if you're willing and able to educate at home and can show that to the authorities, the pressure of court and punishment etc is removed.

i hope your son starts to relax.