Hi
Can anyone offer some advice? My son is 12 and is in year 8, he hates it and has not settled at all. School have offered some basic help, allowed him to attend for a couple of weeks part time but it isn't the answer to his needs, he has tried valiantly to brave up etc but it results in him going for a couple of days and then something will happen an we are back at square 1! I am now faced again with the inclusion officer who last time stopped his part time days stating it just wasn't done for his year at the time. We had the family liaision officer call to the house and forced him to go which resulted in the last attempt, him running away after she tried to drag him out of my car and saying she was losing her temper with him,is that the right way to help someone who is scared out of their wits? I am at my wits end we have been to the doctors and have been referred to cahms but have been told it will be several months before we are assessed, so am at a loss how to survive in the meantime. We have been to the school several times for meetings and I am dreading this next one,
I feel like we have lost a year, I promised him I will not force him but i dont know how to give him the confidence to go as often as possible, just saying to him he will be fine I guess is like saying to someone with a fear of heights go bungee jumping! He has had a few issues at school with older kids but school said its all part of school life an if he gets pushed or has his tie yanked or tripped up he must toughen up, he's really quiet and is a pacifist - anyone out there with similar problem? Would love to hear your views! Thanks so much

Hi Gerry

Glad you found this site and your story sounds so familiar. It certainly sounds like your son has School Refusal anxiety. You are not alone....you are amongst people who understand exactly what you are going through here. It must have been so tough on you these last 15 months.
Did you notice any signs before this? Any reluctance to join in some things...friendship issues? Not wanting to go on school camp perhaps?
You've probably read my posts recently but unless you wade through the whole history on here - my story in brief is that it started way back at the very beginning of Primary school and my son is in Year 8 and is going mostly. He has had weeks and weeks off back in Primary school before we got on top of the issue or even began to understand that he could not help how he felt and it was going to be a tough road ahead. I began to move forward when I accepted my son had a mental health issue and knew that he didn't want to be like this. It has been a process of psychologists, psychiatrists, this method and that and now medication. My son was diagnosed at age 6 with having Generalised Anxiety disorder - and then last year as having social anxiety as well. Your son probably also has both of these.
The school environment is a nightmare for them as it is so unpredictable - they start going through the 'what ifs' in their heads and their thoughts become jammed on the negative. My understanding after all these years from having read far and wide and dealt into the research is that it is a matter of trying to re-wire our children's brain patterns. Not something they feel able to do, however, hence the struggle. But maturity does start to kick in (my son is 14) and he is now much more aware of what he needs to do to 'push through the barrier'.

If you can afford it - a trip to a psychologist might give you more insight into cognitive behaviour therapy and any other methods that might help your son build his self esteem and start to feel more able to manage certain situations. Your son is probably so overwhelmed with 'what is happening to me' that he just can't cope with the slightest thing not quite going according to plan - so the best thing is avoidance.
There is no use forcing him (i tried that when my son was at primary school and it just ends up a terrible traumatic experience for all involved). But at age 12 - I do suggest you try and take steps to give him more confidence in who he is outside of school - and totally accept him (and ask family to) where he is now. Small and tiny steps are the way forward. My son now has got to a point where he knows he has to go to school and he does try his best - some mornings just go smoothly - other mornings he panics and feels ill and finds it hard to get out of the car.
These days I just park outside the school fence and tell him I am going to have to get the welfare coordinator to come out and get him. Usuallly if another kid is arriving at school he is out of the car in a flash but otherwise - he lets his frustration out in swearing (I have thick skin now or...eardrums!). He later either apologises or admits he was glad I didn't drive away again. But he wasn't at this stage some time back - it has taken a long time with small steps. I never tried half days - or going in to library or meeting someone at the school etc (it was never offered and I am not sure my son would have benefitted - each individual child on this road has different needs).

The school should never force you son and saying ' I'm loosing my temper' shows a complete lack of understanding that your son cannot help how he feels - it is not a behaviour issue. If you can - get that across to the school oud and clear - it is NOT a behaviour issue. It is an anxiety issue and until yo uare able to give your son some skills to cope (and they assist) then of course he will not be able to get to school. When he has a few skills and can either attend some or part time or whatever you feel works - then it might be a matter of ensuring he knows he needs to be there. Putting pressure on too soon back fires - it is like you say - asking someone who is afraid of heights to bungee jump and I think that is how i described it years ago on here.
The lovely people on here in those early days saved me from loosing my mind! I was often in tears trying to find ways to connect to others who would understand. It also took me some time to go to meetings and take charge. It was 'my' child and I knew the problem best. They seem to treat parents as if we are causing the problem - are not parenting right - etc. Don't let them tell you that. We do have to be fairly tough - and not always kind on this road - but we are certainly doing all we can - and I am sure you are -to help our child.

The other way my son gets to school these days is that his father takes him two days a week - it keeps the momentum going - so he is averaging 4 days a week rather than less. He doesn't cave in with his dad - just the different personality or approach - whereas he feels I understand more so easily breaks down. Its not a behaviour issue - its an authomatic defence on his part to avoid the situation that is making him feel so bad. It is often 'a barrier' he has to break through. The other side is not as bad. Do you find that with your son? Its not good - but not as bad as that horrible morning time when their heads are just full of negatives. My son is slowly trying to turn things around also by deciding exercise helps him feel better. He now bike rides every day if he can.
Is there a physical acivity your son could get involved in each day?
Making and keeping friends can be problematic too. If they are away a lot - kids drift away from them. My son found this - but now his friends are 'friends' and hang around. He never goes to their house or invites them over - but I don't expect that yet or even ever whilst at school.

Sorry - no magic formula - just hope my story and ideas might help you feel not so alone and able to face up to the school. Tiny steps are all good. Give your son confidence from other directions - and see if you can get a diagnosis from doctor or psychologist. Medication is something you might also want to consider. I used to be dead against it - but then last year realised that my son really needed something to take the edge of things and improve his mood.
He takes fluvoxamine. He is a much happier boy now and interested in things (not school) and this has helped enormously.

Come on here any time and ask advice - lots of people know what you are going through and might have more ideas than I have. Also come on hear to vent your frustration if needed.
Take care and try and do things for yourself to keep your own strength.
Linda

Hi Gerry,

I totally agree with everything Linda has said. Finding this forum has been a godsend for me because it made me realise that we were not the only family going through this.

My daughter is 14 and has just gone into year 10. She has not been in fulltime education since the beginning of year 8. Our saviour has been hospital and home tuition her tutor has not only kept her up with her studies but worked with her to get her working in school in a room initially two afternoons per week. She did at one time manage to get into one subject once a week but after a holiday break that came to an end. We have been involved with Camhs however the first two practiotioners made the situation worse as they treated her as a naughty child after a formal complaint and much persuasion to get my daughter back to them we now have and excellent CBT therapist who totally gets it and is learning her some excellent coping skills which duaghter is using, pity we didnt get this lady 2 years ago!

Position we are in now is that daughter is in school every afternoon : )) two with her hhts tutor and the rest on her own in a room that school have provided. She is still aiming to get in to one lesson per week and schoolhave agreed that if she can manage this they will be happy. She is basically teaching herself,school are providing her with work and between her tutor,myself and daughter she is managing well.

6 months ago we would never have thought that she would be going into school on her own it is as if something has just clicked. It is a slow road and there is no quick fix and i think that once everyone, especially school, realise this you can start to make small steps. You will have steps forwards then back you will go but this is how it works. For you son the most important thing is that the pressure is removed and that he knows that he hasnt let anyone down and most importantly that he is not the only kid that goes through this.

Hang in there Gerry it is an emotional rollercoaster but we are all on the ride with you.

Sue

Hi, Gerry, you are definately not alone. I have a 12 year old with autism' selective mutism, extreme anxiety and school phobia. He has not been to school since his last day at primary he should be in year 8 now which is also 15 months ago. I forced him to school in the last two years of primary and is something I regret very much, it did no good and made him even more phobic. High school he refused completely, I couldn't force him and wouldn't then anyway. My son was on a waiting list for camhs for 18 months, I had been referred whilst he was at primary school. We eventually got an appointment in April , he has been put on flouxetine , which is having little effect. He had a tutor for eight months but couldn't engage with her, he got more and more scared and eventually wouldn't come down stairs or he would sit in the chair unable to move or speak. We are in the process of trying an internet school, we haven't got it yet but I don't think it will work either as he has such a fear of school ,that even looking at a worksheet or anything schooly causes him to shut down. He is unable to walk past a school now, or see photos or videos of school on the TV. Camhs can't work with him as he is selective mute and he refuses to engage with them. It is a horrible horrible time, I woke up last night in a state of panic and fear and then couldn't sleep for worrying. I have thought of home ed but I am still too scared too but i think it could save a lot of problems for now, just worry about my son's future. I am also worried about what will happen if he cannot access any education at all which is really what is happening now.
It is deinately an emotional roller coaster.

Hi Cathy,
Thanks for contacting me and giving me some hope that our family is not alone, am so sorry you have had so little help for your son. I think its the feeling of hopelessness that gets to me most. My son hasn't been diagnosed with any specific problem just anxiety, but it has taken over our lives. I really feel for you about waking up anxious and worried - that's how I am just constantly looking forward to Friday nights so we can relax. I think the internet school would be great for the likes of my son but we just can't afford it. I long to fast track him until he gets to a point that he doesn't feel so scared. I wish I could offer you a magic formula and that your son will be OK it must be so difficult watching him being so distressed. Doesn't sound like camhs did much to help, maybe they should have tried a different therapist to see if your son felt better with someone else. I don't know how to get through the next few months until we see someone, the highschool have lost patience. Stay strong an safe Cathy and let me know how you are getting on, I can't offer a solution as unsure what to do myself but will always reply to you. Gerry

Hi Gerry,

As my son is still on the school roll, EOTAS are funding the internet school. They are also going to have an outreach teacher from a learning centre to visit and try to eventually get him there. I remember the Friday night feeling all too well, it was my favourite day! My son used to try to stay awake at night on school days and prop himself up on mountains of pillows , of course he fell asleep still. It was a dreadful time so I know how you are feeling.

My son won't accept help from anyone because he thinks everyone is trying to get him back to school ,which for him feels like the worst place on earth. He says he would actually rather die than go back. Camhs wanted to do cbt with him but he can't engage and talk to them, he just says he is too terrified. Education authority can't do much as he won't engage wit them either, he has already said he won't do the internet school because it reminds him of school. I hope you get a camhs appoitment soon.

Gerry, you are among friends! Friends who understand some of the issues you face and the stresses and strains that go with that.

Are you keeping a diary? Is your son keeping a diary? Your diary should record all your school and support meetings, and their outcomes. It should record your son's up and downs. It all seems to merge into one as time goes by. At every stage, we were asked to explain how we had got to where we were. It is so much easier if the details are all recorded.

This is also useful if you are challenged about your actions, as you almost certainly will be.

Keep notes from meetings, and if minutes are not taken, copy your notes to the school/social worker, etc, particularly if they have agreed certain actions.

Hope you have a relaxing weekend - no school!

Hi Linda, thanks so much for responding, am really grateful! Its such a comfort that I have actually made contact with others in this situation, I appreciate some are worse than ours, so my feelings go out to you all! My son always seemed to take longer than other kids to settle into each new school year, new teacher new friends, but as I have 3 older children and 1 younger child, I didn't connect that maybe because he was more sensitive and reserved that he was struggling as much as he was! The start I think was when his dad and I went away for a night, his dad and I are pretty quiet we don't go out a great deal but we went away for 1 night shortly after we moved to the home we are now in. Although we spoke to both the younger lads telling them we would be back etc they were with their older brother(who was 17 at the time and older sister who was 13 and both my parents whom had been very regular in their lives) but I don't know if it made my middle son really worry, he was very subdued when we got back but things seemed OK until I came to go to the shops and he got quite hysterical. I feel terrible now thinking back he must have thought I was going away again. Anyway after many cuddles and coming with me -(they were always asked to come but sometimes chose to stay and play with dad) it eventually calmed down.

I will tell you some of the other things that have happened which I think have defo helped to make him become so worried. He was bullied in primary school in year 1, he suddenly became clingy and very very upset when I dropped him off in class and I knew something was wrong and we only found out in the half term that an older boy was swearing at him and saying he was going to punch him ( I can swear with the best of them but not at that age and in front of kids)anyway the teacher soon put a stop to it and we carried on.
He had several bad times during school trips, one especially in year 4 the class
Had won an overnight trip to Cardiff and he said it was terrible - he didn't sleep whilst he was there as a boy in his dorm had been sick everywhere - he was on the bunk above my son, he said the teachers shouted at my son because he had tried to help the other boy, anyway after that he would never go on a school trip again!
Things were pretty even until the end of year 5 when my sons best friend suddenly decided he no longer wanted to be his friend any longer, my son was devasted as he always took awhile to make friends. The group all migrated away from my son leaving him on his own,he did however play with my youngest son who is 2 school years below him until he managed to pal up with another lad in year 6 but this lad started at a different high school, so my son went to high school with hardly a strong friendship with anyone. So this is his 3rd tutor group now and he is in with 1 lad from his junior school.
During the summer hols before he went to highschool he was attacked by 3 gypsies outside the local swimming baths whilst waiting for his younger brother, they said he was looking at them funny, he was so scared he ran across a busy road to be away from them, luckily a man in a garden intervened and stopped them. At the time I thought the only really badly damaged thing was my sons backpack- they had ripped the straps off it, however from then on my son walks with his head down and won't engage in eye contact. School think he should be over it now but the school councillor thinks he's probs suffering a bit of post traumatic stress. Anyway i better stop now coz you lot will be suffering if I don't shut up, thanks a million everyone, I will reply to on all regards gerry

Hi Gerry

Your poor son has had a string of events by the sound of it. He is probably highly sensitive- which is why they are sometimes singled out for bullying. And the friendship thing is so important. My son's primary school friends also went to different schools. And it is so hard to know, isn't it , whether the 'bullying' is something other kids might just ignore, move on from ..but our kids take it to heart. So we never quite know at the time whether it is bad or not.

School Refusal students are of all personalities it seems - but they are sensitive. They can be outgoing and sensitive even....or withdrawn and quiet and sensitive.
You mention your son's reaction when you left the home. I was told my son also had separation anxiety as a result of the overall anxiety. Not surprising - we are all they have sometimes when they feel this way. But it can also be more complex than that as you know. A child suffering from anxiety cannot quite put their finger on what the problem is - so we have to just work with them as best we can and use our gut feeling as parents. You know your son better than anyone - so any talk of parenting - just listen and let it go into the file system along with the diary that Simon mentions. It is good to have it all recorded - like Simon - I also needed at one point to have the story at hand and what steps I and others had already taken.
After I took control of the meetings at my son's school - they actually don't have much to do with me! Before that they were blame blame blame. It was my son pulling the wool over my eyes etc. It was me being weak. Toughen up I was told etc. Then I turned up to the meeting in my best clothes, a black folder under my arm and I made a point of cutting through their usual blah blah to put it back on them and say ' but what are YOU going to do for us?' I then turned it right round and said; This is what I will do....and this is what I want you to do.
They haven't done much at their end...but they have stopped giving me a hard time.

What I also found though that helped, and you might find someone in the school to take on this role. We had a chaplain at the school - who was a young guy who got along well with the kids. I decided to call him and ask if he could meet my son once a week during a particularly bad patch. He did this - talked - played chess with him - and just hung out - so that my son had a break from class and also made a connection with someone other than his immediate teachers and other students. My son then requested not to see the chaplain any more - as he didn't want to be singled out - and that was the beginning of things going smoother.
If there is one staff member at your school - who can connect with your son with no judgment - it might allow him to have someone to go to when things get tough or at least know there is someone there - sometimes just knowing can help. Our welfare coordinator was unfortunately no good - more interested in how high her heals were than whether my son was suffering - so I had to think outside of the box as such and find someone. I have also made an effort to meet each teacher at the start of the year so that I know who they are and whether they might have a sympathetic ear or be encouraging to my son. I then remain in email contact with some of them and ask that they make allowances or sometimes just ask them to keep a look out as something happened the day before etc.
Out of all his teachers- mind you - there has only been a couple willing to keep up this contact and show some understanding. As you well know - many teachers ahve absolutely no idea what an anxiety disorder is and think it is just worrying parents or kids that need to pull their socks up. Not the case. If you can get that across to the school - you have take a step forward. So do what you can to educate the school - you are the one who knows your son and you may well know more about anxiety and school refusal than the school does.
Is your son one of the younger ones in year 8? You mention he is just 12.

Good luck Gerry - its a road that has lots of potholes and little unexpected turns - but if you can embrace your son and let him know that you do understand or are trying to - then he might just feel a wee bit more able to take those tiny steps himself. But CBT and medication are there to look at if you find nothing is working otherwise.
Have you made any contact with Parent Partnership? www.parentpartnership.org.uk
Some on here have found them very supportive. And sometimes CAMHS can be good - depends on the people involved.

It must be hard with three other children....you are doing a great job. Hang in there - and let us know how you go.
Take care
Linda
PS Sorry for my long posts...just hope I can help in any way.

Hi sue
Thanks for your support, you have had a troubled path and I am so glad you are getting somewhere. I think it is only really just beginning for us, I have started to try to keep notes on progress and any set backs, I haven't got much yet as it was only recently i read to try to do this. I guess it makes sense as the school are only interested in getting him back on a regular basis. He did do really well last week until some joker in a higher year decided to start saying things to him and the one lad he now is friends with, it happened in the corridor in between lessons and he got gripped by the shirt and shoved and this clown started saying he was going to get them. So as you can imagine he just went back into his"shell" as I call it. Was so gutted for him and really angry with school as this is the sort of thing they say he should be able to shrug off. Luckily the lad that he is friends with told his mum and and she is going into the school to complain and I feel as now they may believe my son and that he isn't making it up and exaggerating it as he just doesn't want to go. Its half term for them this week thank god, we maybe able to get ourselves together for when he is due back but I doubt whether i will get him through the door when the time comes. If I could home school I would, just not an option, I have to work and so does his dad. I was wondering if any funding is available in wales, we live in north wales so will have to look into that. I was told that to home school they only get 4 hours at most and as we have a another younger son we don't really want to have a different rule for him. My 3 older children have left home and have their own homes, both my daughters regularly call to see both their younger brothers but I think my middle son really misses his older brother ( he emigrated to new Zealand 5 years ago ) and I don't think I realised how much my middle son felt for him. He comes on Skype every Sunday morning but I know its not the same.(big age gaps in the children - eldest girl being 29 and my youngest son is 11).
Anyway will try to put into practice all I have read from you wonderful people, it makes a difference just having the responses from yourself and Linda and Cathy and simon.thank you again and I will keep you posted. My best wishes to you in your success with your daughter and I will keep my fingers crossed it continues. Regards
Gerry

hi gerry
i can truly feel your pain.
have no answers but you will find only support and underatanding on this forum.

when i read about the woman insisting on dragging your son out to the car to go to school, i just sighed in helplessness. why do they keep thinking that this will solve the issue?

to be honest, if a person had a fear of heights, as you mentioned, i for one, would not insist on them even attempting bungee jumping

it's the same with sr, they can't be forced to go, eventually that will backfire.

is your son willing to study at home? have you considered homeschooling?
stepping back from the whole stressful issue of school refusal can help a person to clear their mind and get a new perspective.
i have been guilty in the past of thinking that my daughter missing even one day was the end of the world, and it truly wasn't.
wishing you all the best.

Hi gerry

The poor lad he should not have to put with being treated like that, the school need to put a stop to this type of behaviour by their students. it is them that has the problem not your son.

Have you checked to see if your local authroity has hospital and home tuition they really have been our godsend and if nothing else it will help your son keep uo with some of his studies. they are very patient and really understand the problem. Your sons school can do a referal so i would ask about it.

I think what happened with us was that once we all accepted that our daughters school anxiety was not going to just go over night and it was also something I couldnt put right myself we all relaxed more. Our priorities have completely changed and as long as our daughter is happy then anything else is a bonus. I remember my sister saying that school isnt for everyone and when you think about it why should it be and just because they dont go does not for one minute mean that they will not have a long happy successful life doing what they want in it, it just might take them a little longer.

Hang in there gerry, give your son a hug, if that is still acceptable, and tell him everything will be fine, he is a wonderful person and that he will come out of this much stronger and much wiser than any of those bullies at school.

Sue

Hi simon
Thanks for your words of advice, i have started to keep a diaryr and I think I will be challenged most definitely I have already been told by school that they think he's playing me and that I should be more firm! He is almost my height and far too big for me to physically drag anywhere and I think school were annoyed that I will not try to do that, i think its terrible and almost like he is a prisoner being arrested and taken into custody, may sound a bit dramatic but that's how it made me feel when it happened. I did have the inclusion officer call once and take him in her car - I won't let that happen again either. I am so glad you all realise the depth of this situation, not all family members realise and my mother in law just keeps saying well you have to force him and I feel like screaming. I think they may be getting an slight idea how deep this goes but it is viewed in a rather detached way. Still I hope they will eventually realise he's not a naughty boy just very scared.
Thanks again for advice -
Regards
Gerry

Hi Virginia
Thanks for your words of support, am so grateful to you all, i am hoping i can look into outside help from school, they were very negative when I asked about home schooling, saying that it wouldn't help and that he would only get a couple of hours a week at best. Would love to have the finances to do internet schooling but I don't know if there is funding in north wales. Our doctors are not very helpful either, very NHS based so just getting a letter written in support is a major achievement. I feel like I am running out of time, school think my son is far too sensitive , which maybe he is , but if I walked up to someone in work and shoved them I am sure it would result in disciplinary action. I feel like saying to school although they say they do not tolerate discrimination I feel he is discriminated against because he is quieter than most.
Thanks again for your response it makes it better knowing that I am not the only 'soft' parent, I was beginning to question myself!
Regards
Gerry

Hi gerry

Firstly your son is NOT a naughty child, if only it was that easy. My daughter was treat as a naugty child by Camhs at first which along with other comments etc resulted in my formal complaint the lady who investigated the complaint was appaled by how my daughter had been treated and spoken to, she received an official apology from the chief executive and the practitioners are receiving extra training. What i am saying here is dont for one minute be intimidated by these people even if they are professionals because in my experience they have little idea what anxiety actually feels like let alone in children. You are your sons voice and dont let them force either of you to do anything, that you dont feel comfortable with. One of the main things that help our children with school anxiety is for them to have some form of control as this helps them cope with their anxiety and panic.

Hang in their gerry dont be afraid to challenge them, it is your sons schools duty to provide him with an education in whatever form that takes. At the moment school is a scary place for him and they are making it scarier by their behaviour and threats, point this out to them as they are not helping the situation. Everyone who has or comes across a child suffering from school anxiety needs to look at it from the childs point of view, there are too many people that think a 'pull yourself together' attitude will solve this problem.

Just another thought you say that you have been referred to Camhs but it will take several months before you get an appointment, please challenge this with Camhs and not just the receptionist the person in charge if you get nowhere go to your nhs partnership trust. We waited 12 weeks and that was too long. Remember we pay for this service and you are entitled to be seen as soon as possible.
Sue