school refusers


a resource for parents 


Please feel free to join our School Refuser message forum discussions. If you have experience of school refusing, you may find it appropriate to respond to previous posts.  Or you may be feeling isolated and wish to express your feelings.  Whatever, your contribtions are welocme. 

  No registration required - just get posting!
 


School Refusal
Start a New Topic 
Author
Comment
Balance and perseverance

Hi - hope everyone is hanging in there.
Just wanted to give others hope on this unpredictable journey. Whilst my son has good and bad times - this year has been so much better than any other, and this is because of one very major change in my son's mood. As many of you will know, we started medication this year and whilst I had hoped for a complete turn around some time back - it has taken this long to figure out the balance of medication that works.

My son is taking Luvox and whilst he did not have some of the side effects of tiredness and nausea initially - when we increased it - he did and this effected how he managed or didn't - as was the case. He is now on one and a half tablets - and it seems to be just the right balance. He is happier on a more regular basis - he is more interested in 'life' - he goes out bike riding on his own and he visits my mother who lives nearby. Twelve months ago - he was confined to the house - refusing to leave. So this is a huge change this year.

But it has taken most of the year to find the right balance and the keep persevering. I kept making sure he got to school - not always easy - and had to arrange for my ex husband to take him two days a week - and sometimes have others in place on the other days. We were not 'forcing' him as such - just making sure that he got there - as the 'breaking through the barrier' was the thing most difficult each morning. By constantly going to school (most days) he has maintained friendships and also not fallen behind in what is happening in the classroom or socially.
When ill - which happens more often than most kids (as I think SR kids just give in as they hope it keeps them home!) it is very difficult to get him back to school. SO instead of a day or two off with a cold - he has a week. But I have kind of accepted that this happens - and tried not to get too stressed about it as it can make him sink lower.

He is still not motivated to complete school work so is struggling in some subjects but then I guess at 14 - a lot of boys aren't.

So I guess I am just giving my story on medication and the need to keep persevering if it feels like it is not initially working. Sometimes you need to change medication but in our case - it was a matter of keep taking it - increase a bit but not too much. When we went up to two tablets - it just knocked him back and he kept feeling tired, nauseaous and agitated.

So don't give up on medication - just keep on trying - no matter how long it takes.
And this goes for any other method too (and whether in school or out of school) - don't give up - it takes what feels like forever - but there is a balance out there - it just takes time. And I say 'balance' to indicate that things are never quite smooth running - it can tip one way or the other at any given time(as you now by my posts even fairly recently) - but generally - there is a balance and to see the smile on my son's face these days is just pure pleasure. I had forgotten how long it had been with him being so sad and low - I had begun to think that his personality that he had as a young boy would never return - but it has - for now : )

Take care everyone and give your son/daughter a hug today and give yourself some 'you' time - you are good parents and doing all you can. : )
Linda xx

Re: Balance and perseverance

hi linda

glad to hear your son is doing well at the moment.
you're right, it is all about balance, and trying to find the right balance is so tricky.

i've never had to go down the medication road, thank goodness, with my daughter, but i feel for those who do.

your son sounds like he's hanging in there, going to school, doing his homework, bike rides and visiting gran.
it is wonderful when we see the person we know them to be

take care

virginia

Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi everyone,

Will try to keep my epics shorter! (Sorry get carried away)!

Glad your son doing good ATM Linda, hope he continues like this for you,
I have just had the dreaded school interview with the inclusion officer.
Pretty much went as I thought,her saying I am being hood winked and that school have done what they can, yada yada!


They have said on a very temporary basis he can do some reduced days but not for long, I managed to get him to speak to the school councillor this week which was a first, so am hoping this will get school off his back for a little while.

They have said they can prosecute me if he doesn't keep to timetable so am pretty nervous of how it's gonna workout.
Will keep you posted, thanks again foryour updates, good to know its working for some even if not perfectly.

Regards to all
Gerry

Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi Gerry

Just so frustrating to hear that you can't get the school to understand how slow these steps need to be some times. I do hope they don't push too hard for him to move from part time. Its so important for our kids to establish that routine and self confidence from half days or even an hour a day - and very very slowly build up.
And as for prosecution - they treat you and your son like you are both misbehaving. As if you don't know he has to try and be at school - as if you don't know you want the best for your son.....they do treat us like idiots, don't they.

And it usually boils down to just them filling in their paperwork and ticking the boxes.
Lucky for me my school is keeping off my back - but this is also because I managed to get a doctor's certificate that covered the whole year. Worth a try if you can. The doctor just said that due to on going medical issues my son might not always be able to be at school. I was going to get the psychiatrist to write a report - but the way the school handles things - and looses things - I won't do that - not fair on my son to have a report from a psychiatrist wandering round the school from desk to desk.

My son is home today : ( He has a cold. How bad? Who knows? Any other kid would soldier on and just get through these last two days of the week (we only had a three day week here as it was the big Melbourne Cup horse race on Tuesday and everyone here takes Monday off as well if they can. I am disappointed but having tried to get him there- I am just going to let the day go.
Take care
Linda

Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi Linda
Didn't realise you were in oz, I lived in Perth until I was 10, (many moons ago now) :( wish I still lived there - really don't like the weather here in the UK!

Was wondering if you had a magic formula to get my son to school when he is unwell, thought for a minute you were writing about him- that's just how is he is when he is under the weather, i think that my son must be a medical mystery, he's had everything under the sun recentley and will not attempt school at all when he's feeling like this. So frustrating I go to work with colds etc but I can't budge him!
Do you think it makes them feel more vulnerable or just can't be bothered?

I know his school think he can't possibly have that many minor things wrong so frequently and that I am a weak fool for not making him go (I can't lift him -he's practically the same size as me and just as heavy). He managed to go for half a day todsy and I am hoping he will make an effort to go tomorrow, he just says he cant get out of bed!
Grrrr!
Any ideas anyone? I have been tempted to throw water on him lol but no doubt I would end up clearing it up!

Hope everyone had an easier day
Regards to you all
Gerry


Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi Gerry

You certainly would notice the difference between the weather and 'light' in Perth compared to UK! Do you still have family out here?
I have been on the forum for so long that I know more about the UK system than my own : )

There has only ever been a couple of others from down under. We don't have a website of any kind to link those with SR - although there is someone evidently who links others via Facebook. I didn't even know we had CAMHS here...thought it was a UK Thing - then discovered we had the same organisation - except it is used as a last resort rather than a first port of call. Not sure that either way is getting to the heart of the problem but as last resort .....too late....so quite useless.

My son went in today -as my ex came and took him as he does every Tuesday and Friday - certainly helps me and it does help my son. I doubt I would have got him there today. I also don't think he has a cold - I think he has hayfever - with the itchy eyes etc. They just cave in, don't they. My son just lets the illness take over - and I also don't know if that is because he really does feel that bad or whether he thinks it will get him out of more school - you'd think I'd be able to tell by now - but its always just that little bit different, so I can't. Sounds like you have the same issues.

Poor you - trying to get your son out of bed. You must tear your hair out sometimes. If only he'd get up!!
He doesn't happen to be playing games without your knowledge late into then night, does he? I know a friend of mine who works as a welfare coordinator in schools says that apart from SR - they are having awful trouble with teenage boys sneaking to play games without parent knowledge into the wee hours of the morning and then impossible to get out of bed. If they have SR as well - make it even worse.

My son has trouble going to sleep. Does yours? But he also used to put off going to sleep when younger as he didn't want morning to come (and school). Was quite sad to hear him say that - but I guess that is exactly how he felt. And although our boys are older - they are probably still not wanting morning to come.

Can you get anyone to help you drag him out of bed or at least frighten him into thinking they are turning up (and get them to turn up a few times)....might get him physically out - not sure how you go then -but once they are out of bed it is a bit easier for us to keep them getting ready.
The threat of me calling his dad is enough sometimes to get him up (I hate doing that - but what else are we left with!?). But like yesterday - I knew it was a no go day as soon as he buried his head under the blankets and croaked 'I feel too sick..." WE can only keep trying. See if you can get someone to help in some way - but you are doing all you can....take care - let me know how it goes
Linda

Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi Linda
I still have some cousins in Brisbane but my parents emigrated when it was the '£10 poms' and as my mum can't stand a hot summers day in the UK she couldn't get used to the heat and so hence being back in the UK!!! Grrr!

My eldest son emigrated to new Zealand 5 years ago:( and he loves the lifestyle he won't come back to the UK to live, he came to visit a couple of years ago and i think that is when my middle son realised he wouldn't be living back here and it really got to him, although big age gap (13 years)he really misses him, as we all do:/

Managed to get middle son to school in time for break today,I don't know what freaks him for sure on other days, but,( he hates pe - too self-conscious ) so i am guessing as its the first 2 lessons of the morning I dont need to be an Einstein to figure out why today!

I do think he has very fragile relationships with the couple of lads that he does seem to hold closest and as he struggles to make friends he just goes back into his shell if anything slightly uncomfortable happens, a bit of a disagreement etc.
Don't think he thinks anyone really likes him! Makes me so sad wish I could just give him some confidence! Sometimes I think that is why he doesn't want to go to school, that no-one will bother with him!

Well its Friday thank god!48 hours before the stress starts again!

Hoping you all have a good, safe weekend and that it doesn't go too quick!!!
Regards to all
Gerry



Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi Gerry

My mum was also a 10 pound pom! Came from Manchester and went to a milder climate than WA - here in Victoria - family loved it here but also had little to return to also couldn't afford to - so stayed.
Must be hard with your son so far away. Have you been able to go to NZ to visit him?

Glad your son got there for some of the day today. My son loved the exercise of PE - but was horrified they had to change into their PE uniform to participate - so we went through an awful time with that -s o I fully understand. Now he has figured out how to get around it - apart from getting changed in toilets - he only changes his top - and seems to get away with it! Some weeks he tells the teacher he forgot his uniform etc. You'd think by now the schools would let them turn up in their PE stuff and wear it that day (some schools do this). Very sensible considering teenage self consciousness.

Your son sounds very sensitive, like mine. All of last year - it was touch and go if his friends were actually 'friends' or teasing...or what was going on. He'd frequently say they teased him, tripped him up etc. Now that he attends so much more - they seem to have become proper 'friends' and don't tease him. In a sad way I think its how boys cope with not knowing what is going on - they want to know why someone is away but instead of figuring there might be a serious reason - they just give them a hard time about everything - which makes it harder for our boys!!

My son seems to be very different now - stirring them back - shoving and pushing as much as them - and this has helped . He now stands upright instead of stooping a bit. He also has a proper haircut - after years of avoiding hairdressers and letting his hair keep growing (until in desperation I cut it or he got to a hairdresser).
A bit of maturity I guess kicks in and also the medication taking the edge off that continuous anxiety - which must be so wearing for them...no wonder they have little motivation.

HOw does your son go with the school work? Is he motivated to do the work? Does he do homework?
Mine still struggles with this - but perhaps at 14 its typical of a boy - but he can't really afford to keep not finishing things or even starting them! We try our best, don't we!!
Enjoy the weekend
Linda

Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi Linda,
We live about 40 miles away from Manchester, small world!


Your son sounds so much like mine, yeah very sensitive , takes everything to heart,even the issue with his hair, its only recently that he has had it cut shorter however still on his face but his side fringe shorter! He hates pe tho, coz he is always the last he says! He stopped doing it after one kid once said if he was so fat that he wouldn't be red in the face and out of breath! He isnt fat, but he he isnt skinny either, just freaked him out an he has never done pe since.

Am hoping this inclusion officer will allow him to do these part time days for awhile or at least whilst he is seeing the school councillor, I doubt it very much tho, am really dreading this next meeting tomorrow, put a real downer on the weekend:(

I am going to ask our doctor for a letter similar to what you got regarding absences from school but as it is so NHS based they are pretty unhelpful!
Am going in fighting so hope it comes good.
Hoping everyone has a calm and successful day
Stay strong
Regards to all
Gerry


Re: Balance and perseverance

it is a small world!

Good luck with the meeting tomorrow - its hard to feel confident at times like this, isn't it - but remember- you are expert - and they need to help you. Dress up a bit - take a folder under your arm and pen in hand - and they'll know you mean business : )
Let us know how it goes
Linda

Re: Balance and perseverance

Gerry,

You should not be prosecuted for having a child who is anxious about school. There is some case law on this which I believe still stands in law (that is I don't think there has been a case since which will change how the law should be interpreted). There is info about it here on this site so if you do a search it should come up. Some Local Authority had to apologise to a family for going down this route. Sorry I cannot remember the details but if you cannot find it I'm sure someone else will be along soon with more info.

Re: Balance and perseverance

Hi Gerry - thanks for the reminder Leah.
The article is in the Resource Section on this website - the link:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1285219/Boy-school-phobia-wins-apology-education-chiefs-tried-prosecute-parents.html

Linda