Hi there,
New on here and may I say it's good to find others in the same situation as us. My son is13 and started to have problems just after last Christmas. Been a battle ever since trying to get him to go to school. He had lots of friends and seemed to be very popular. His dad has been working away from home for about 4 years and just before summer we took the decision to move. I know 13 is a very awkward age away and it maybe wasn't the best time to move. His new school is small and within walking distance but since September his attendance is only 72% and everyday is a struggle.
I've had him to the doctors and even A&E twice with the stomach pains he complains of every morning. This week has been bad, Monday he was dragged to school and he hasn't been since. The doctors can't find anything wrong, he has been referred to CAMHS.
I cannot see how we are going to solve this. He keeps saying he wants to go home, but we are home now and he just can't accept that. Plus as I say this all started at his old school away.
The school have been good but I think they are loosing patients and I don't know what to do next.
We also have the problem that my son doesn't seem to listen to anything we say, and gets incredibly angery very quickly.

Thanks for reading ( if you did!)
Sandra

Hi Sandra

So glad you found us - sounds like you are having a tough time. Story sounds so familiar.
There was a recent post from someone else about how moving house had really effected their son. It is a hard age to start making new friends - but as you say - things started to show up at the other school anyway.
Sounds typical school refusal.

How long do you have to wait to see CAMHS? Make sure you note down everything - your observations - what you have done to help get your son there - your son's mood - anger - anxiety etc.
The anger sounds typical of the frustration that our kids go through when they don't know what is happening to them - and they can't help how they feel. My son who is 14 was also angry at one stage and its pretty hard to deal with, isn't it.

I'll pop back tomorrow and post more as I have to try and get my son to go to bed right now so that he actually gets to school tomorrow! Lack of sleep not doing him any good at all - a battle every night.
Hang in there - there are lots of people on here who can help and who know what you are going through. Have a read through some older posts and you might find a few helpful ideas. I'll list a few things tomorrow that you might be able to follow up with - sorry to have to rush off!!
Take care
Linda

Hi Sandra

I'm back! My ex husband takes my son to school on Tuesdays and Fridays - helps enormously - as it takes the pressure of me and in fact, my son - as he has to just go through the motions and not keep feeling like he will cave in to the anxiety. Is there someone who can help take your son to school? Even on some days?
Will the school allow half days and then slowly build up?
Its all a matter of very small steps. Take too big a step and your son might go backwards instead of forwards. It certainly takes a lot of patience on our part.

Things started to improve somewhat for me when I totally accepted the situation and realised my son couldn't help it and obviously had a mental health issue (anxiety resulting in depression). My son is now on medication - but that was after trying lots of other things. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to change thought patterns is ideal - but teenagers are not always wanting to take on something like this...being stubborn is kind of in their nature!

Parent Partnership (website in the resource section of this website) has given great support to others on this Forum - just to chat to someone to see what direction you might be able to take.
Trying to get teachers to keep sending work home can also be helpful (if your son is willing to do it at home).
Letting your son know that it is anxiety and it can be crippling - and its not his fault - but he can get control of it - it just takes time.
Does he get anxious about other things? Does he keep in contact with his friends from the other school?
Is he just staying in his room? (often a sign of depression). It will probably be enormously difficult for him to feel he can move forward so the sooner you can get some help for him the better.

You are doing all you can....so don't forget some time out for yourself : )
See if you can keep your son linked to school work in some way but if in the end school is not something he can face - it is not the only road to go down. But in these early stages - some times the kids can get back to school but it takes quite a bit of effort and stress on behalf of the parents and a willingness to not give in to the anxiety on behalf of the son/daughter! So hard to find the balance - but can be done.
Stay in touch on the forum as there are lots of people with similar stories to yours - and many have lots of help and support they can give.
Take care and let us know how you go
Linda

hi Sandra
you're very welcome, even though i know you're wishing you never had to google 'school refusal'.
i've been down this road with my daughter, she's nearly 19 now, but you never forget how hard it was.

the mere mention of a stomach pain brings the memories flooding back.

please don't drag him into schoool. i'd be afraid that would do more harm than good. if he won't go, then, hard as it is, just accept that for now.

see if he'll do some school work so that he doesn't fall behing.

definitely meet with cahms, talk to your gp. pay no attention to the attitude you may meet with his school. a lot of them are only concerned with their roll book looking good, not the mental health of their pupils.


sorry for going on to much. keep posting here, anytime. take care of yourself too, you'll need every bit of energy you have and more.

Hi

Thanks for the advise, this week has been the worst! Met with the school on Friday and we have come to an arrangement that he will go in for one hour everyday next week.

Finally got the forms through from CAMHS, gp sent the referral to the wrong address then CAMHS lost it! So will get that filled out today.

School are reluctant to give him work as they say if he can work at home he can go to school, but we'll do some stuff on the internet to keep him busy.

Well as it's sunday he is happy at the moment, keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow ( in at 10am and home at 11am) have promised him that I'll be there to pick him up and he isn't going into lessons, just having some one to one time.

Will keep you posted, and thanks again, feels so much better knowing we are not alone ( although I am sure all you out there would rather not be here too!)

Sandra

Hi Sandra
Am so sorry you are havin probs ATM, am a bit of a newb on here myself but these wonderful people on this site have given me some great advice an made me realise we are not alone, that in itself is a major boost!

I keep reading that the anxiety levels for school refusal peak between the ages of 12 and 14 and as my son is 12 and a half I think I got a bit to go.

Maybe your son is finding making new friends difficult, I think this is at the back of my sons problems at school, he lacks good sound friends an I have just found out the one lad that he thought was a fairly close friend has just fallen out with him, I have no idea why, but I know he will never want to go back to school now, am dreading tomorrow. Are you living I in the UK?

I have had to get a doctors note to give to our school inclusion officer am hoping it will keep them off my back for a bit, maybe you could get a note too and give it to the school, all ours really want to do is get him back in full time!

Sorry I don't how to advise you, maybe your sons school will allow him to go part time , do you think he may be getting bullied? My son wasn't gettn physically hit but he was gettin stuff done to him daily, low level persistent harassment has long term effects on emotions. Our school say its part of school life an he should toughen up but he's very quiet and a pacifist who hates sports, god I am making him sound a right wet lettuce!
According to school policy they do not tolerate discrimination whoever they seem to want everyone to be the same! The headmaster is supposed to be a parent substitute and I believe the term 'loco parentis' applies but our headmaster is at a loss what to do so has given us up to the inclusion officer!

I really wish you find an answer, stay strong, maybe your son would join a local club first before going back to school and make some friends?
Good luck - hope it gets better for you all very soon, my sons attendance in down to 42% !!!
Regards gerry

Hi Gerry

Thanks for taking the time to reply, you seem to be having it very hard yourself!

Don't think there is any bullying going on, my son always seemed very confident. He too hates sport, but always had a lot of friends. Maybe he is finding makes new friends hard, especially as he really just wants to go back to where we used to live.

Well let's hope tomorrow is better for everyone here!

Good luck everyone

Sandra

hi Sandra
hope the hour today goes well.
while it's good of the sxhool to allow it, don't let the negativity about the school work get to you.

your son's welfare is the most important thing.
there's probably a big part of him that wants to go 'home' and i can't blame him. it is a tough age to leave your home to go elsewhere, but hopefully with time he will relax and begin to enjoy his new surroundings and settle into school.

you're doing all you can at the moment. just keep listening to him. take care of yourself too, all the stress that SR brings is so hard on parents as well as children.

best wishes

virginia

Sandra,

The school should not be saying they won't give your son work as if he can do it at home he can do it at school. If a child is off sick they are entitled to have support at home. Our local authority provides online support for children who are off for c 3 weeks plus. I had some problems with the "inclusion manager" at school asking what was the difference between doing work at home and at school (my son has chronic pain). I told him that to get into school, he had to get up early, get washed and dressed, travel into school and be in a fit enough condition that he felt ok being seen by others. At home, he could stagger out of bed a bit later, still sometimes crying out in pain, stick a fleece on over his pajamas, wipe the tears from his eye and log on, knowing no-one could see him. Some of this applies equally to school refusal. The school might need it spelling out to them.

If your son finds himself unable to get into school he is entitled to support with his education. Please be aware of all the posts on here advising parents to take notes, keep records of phone conversations and informal meetings and keep copies of letters. It really is worth doing.

It is so frustrating that children and parents are put under intolerable pressure by schools that feel under pressure themselves to have perfect attendance statistics.

Leah
Fully agree with you. it is so wrong for schools to put extra pressure on a parent they see struggling to help their child with SR. Whatever happened to compassion

Sorry to read your son is in such pain. Young people shouldn't have to go through such tough times.

Take care.

Virginia

And Sandra there is something written in the UK Educational department policy about the duty schools have to educate - and that includes if the child is unable to get there. I can't recall the exact wording but there were posts about this some time back. You might want to do a bit of a search on the site.

The school really have to send work home. I had similar problems though and it was from individual teachers who somehow seemed to think that if the work was done at home, I'd be doing it for him! They have no idea of how desperate we are for our kids to engage with their work and actually learn.

It does take a lot of push from our end as parents - remember you are not alone - and we are all behind you here when you next approach the school and make some demands from them. They need to do what you ask - you are the expert on your son - they are the educational experts - so they need to come to an agreement and stop telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing with your son. Hard I know....but stay strong....you are doing all you can.

Hope the hour is going ok so far?
best wishes,
Linda

Hi all

Monday and Tuesday were good, he had a bit of pain but did go for the full hour and seemed a bit happier. Last night however we were up all night with chronic tummy pain so today is a write off.

Will get on to the school about the work, thank you all for the help.

Sandra

Gosh its hard, isn't it Sandra. You can't rest even if you have a couple of good days.
My son is home from school today - so I know that feeling re not being able to relax.

I wonder if your son put so much effort into Monday and Tuesday - that he just couldn't put any more effort in by Wednesday? My son used to go ok Mon and Tuesday and then be unable to face Wednesday. I used to think it was because of the WEdnesday timetable - but now believe it is some midweek issue after trying hard two days in a row.
You can only try again. Meanwhile are you able to get any help from your local doctor - rule out anything physical and then talk to him/her about anxiety?

My son said he felt sick on Monday and said he'd go to the school nurse (he didn't). Said the same thing on Tuesday (and did at the end of the day) and then yesterday - I get the phone call from the school nurse - can you come and pick him up (it was midday). He is home today. I can't again figure out if he is sick or not or whether he has hayfever or just worn out or what the issue is. They are having a lot of tests and exams at the moment -and my gut feeling is it is this that is making him feel ill but he isn't making the connection. I am torn between allowing him some stress free time and getting him to sit the tests. He refuses to study for the tests - why? Is it that home study reminds him of school and he just can't stand it? Who knows Sandra...its a mystery. Whilst my son is coping better with life generally on medication - it has not made the path a smooth one. He still falls by the wayside sometimes. Each day is still a feeling of 'will he go in today'.

I am going to contact the university here in Melbourne that carried out research into School Refusal and got the kids back into school after having been away from school for some time. What I want to know is if they have followed these kids up and if they are still just going to school quite normally or are like my son - kind of limping through each week. I'll let you know if I find out anything of significance to help us.

Meanwhile - take care - just keep on supporting your son and letting him know that you know that the pain is real and you will get to the bottom of it with him - but he might need to work with you to move forward.
Let us know how you go -
Linda

Yes Linda it is very hard!

Well it's Friday and my son only managed one hour on Monday and Tuesday. He has been crying with stomach pains this week. It is so hard to see your child so unhappy and at a lost as what to do.

School have said I have to get him in or face legal action. I've been in touch with the local education authority yesterday and they should get back to me soon.

Also been on to the doctors and waiting for a call back to see if they will give the school a letter stating that he has anxiety which should take the pressure off a bit.

Nice to see that although you are all going through the same things, you've not lost your sense of humour (Gerry you son doesn't sound like a wet lettuce at all!)

Hope you all have a good weekend! Enjoy the pressures off!

Sandra

Hi Sandra

You're right, it is very hard.

I'm always amazed by the insensitivities of most people in authority. There are so many children refusing school for one reason or another and so I would think these people would have more compassion and understanding for both the child and the parents.

I know some people allow their children to miss school, but all I ever see from parents who post here is a want to see their child happy and comfortable in an educational setting.

I hope things work out for your son.
Take care.

Well it's sunday night and the 'mum I feel sick' has started. He is so stubborn! He hasn't been dressed all weekend, so today I told him he needed to shower and change, but the answer was 'later'. Turned the router off so he couldn't play on the xbox until he showered, but he would rather argue for 3 hours than go get a 10 minute shower!

He hasn't been to school since Monday last week and that was only for one and a half hours. Back at the hospital on Tuesday to see the paediatrician, who has offered him counselling. So will see how it goes.

I spoke to 'young minds' on Thursday who were very nice and understanding. Although I know all of you on here are going through similar things I am feeling like this is never going to get any better.

It feels like my whole life has been taken over by this.

Sorry for the rant!

Hope you all have had a better week

Hi Sandra,

I know that sinking feeling you have on a Sunday night so well. Is their stubborn behavior another way of hoping that it means they don't go? Not having a shower etc. And yes I remember well the arguments and the 'later' was the only line that kept getting thrown out. Or 'why don't you just stop going on about it.'!!

Although....my son started having showers frequently when he was round 14 and also wanted a hair cut etc. So your son might get there soon but it does show he is feeling pretty down about himself.

As you know, we had quite a setback recently - so I am not sure what I can say to help right now - except ' hang in there' you are doing all you can. The offer of counselling sounds good. If it doesn't work out - see if you can try another counsellor. They don't always relate to the first person they meet -although they can also be lucky on that front.

My son last night became angry with me - and couldn't eat his dinner - said he felt like throwing up.
I know its because he didn't want to go to school next morning. I am in two minds - we only have three days left for this year - his dad says he has to go - the socialisation is important. I think I am over it for this year!!
I'll take it day by day - but I think I'll only try and see if he can do at least two of the three days.

You can also only do your best and see what happens. Arguments are normal - seems such a waste of energy when they need us for support as well, doesn't it. Try and step back as much as you can.

Take care - let us know how you go this week.
Linda

Thanks Linda, you always have such good advice!

I know that this will all be over one day!

Hope you have a good break over Christmas, so sorry about your recent set back, I really do feel for you.

2 weeks and we have a whole 2 weeks off! Got my mum coming for Christmas and my son loves her to bits so hopefully things will be better then