Hi Sandy,
It's such a relief to know there are others out there experiencing the same thing. The days when Iwould have to drag him into school kicking and screaming and then have to go into my own work, late, and quite often in tears because of the stress it had caused. You are right punishment does add to their anxieties and always has no effect on their behaviour. He's very nearly 12 and still has to sleep with his favourite toys he's had since he was a baby. He can sleep without them when away with his peer group, but he must have them at home. In fact confiscating them for a while was the only effective punishment we had for a time, but it only added to the stress at bedtime.
He is a pleasant, well mannered boy in adult company(not parents in particular). He does have a small band of friends but he flits and fleets between different ones depending on his mood. He has never really had any really close friends. He has 1 close friend at his grannies 150miles away but that's because they live on a farm and have quad bikes, lol. If he could he would stay there all the time when we visit.
The GP only spoke to him and explained that his anxieties were normal for a boy his age and that his peer group will also be experiencing the same problems. The only reason I went to the GP was to get it recorded in his medical notes.
The next psychologist apt is at the end of June and we are awaiting the Early Engagement team (social Work) to kick in with the school shortly. The psychologist also suggested Quarriers so he has someone else to talk to and a place to go that is purely for him, where he can blow off steam.
His dad's behaviour is really quite similar and he cannot grasp that this is a problem and has to be dealt with in a different way from the conventional. My parents are also teachers(retired) and see things very black and white like most within this establishment.
School phobia is a much better description.
Maybe by reading more on this forum I can pick up some tips of what to try.

Glad you are finding some help here :-)

Your son has some very similar tendancies.... my Daughter is currently sleeping with her teddy bear and always has to have a "special" pillow. And she has lots of what she refers to as "friends" but no one really close.
I would have to disagree with your doctor regarding your son's anxieties being normal. I understand that all teenagers have anxiety but with school phobia it is usually anxiety in massive overdrive. Good that he is seeing a psychologist at CAMHS - hope they are able to give you much needed support

Hi Phyllis

SO sorry you are having so much trouble with your son (and his father!).
My son also had signs at Kindergarten and then it set in when he started primary school (he is now 14). He goes to school most days but has periods like the last three weeks where he hardly makes it at all and it spirals downhill and he gets really depressed.
Sandy is right - your son does not have normal anxiety - so any diagnosis you can get elsewhere would be helpful. Taking a child to school kicking and screaming is not 'normal' - so they need to recognise the issues that are going on here. It sounds like it might also be compounded by your ex's behaviour. And interesting you say they have similar behaviour. My ex also missed a lot of school as a teenager and had anxiety and depression - but he just doesn't get it with his own son! He treats it like it is a behaviour issue.
My doctor says that it is typical male behaviour 'head in the sand' type reaction. Better to hope it all just goes away than deal with it. He also said my son was doing the 'burying the head in the sand' scenario as well - and until he faced his anxiety as something he had to work on - then he would just continue much the same way.
The psychiatrist said much the same thing about my son. She also said my ex would probably 'never get it' as he had refused to accept it was a mental health issue.

So acceptance is your first step forward - and it sound like you have come to that anyway? As for not getting your son there at all - it is possible - but it takes an awful lot of persistence and it is a huge challenge - balancing - getting them there - but not dragging them there. My ex wants to drag him there - I don't.
Can someone else take him? He might not want to go - but he might bottle it in long enough to get over this patch. But it sounds like he needs someone to talk to and let out his frustrations as well as talk about his anxiety.
Anxiety like this is not shyness - something many people confuse. Our kids can be outgoing and yet be paralysed by anxiety...so when describing it to people - it is helpful to say they have a 'disorder 'or a mental health issue rather than just 'anxiety'. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty or blame you - you are doing all you can - you are a good mum and supporting your son as much as you can. It must be awful for you to still be in the same house as your ex - how terribly stressful for both you and your son. Things might improve when you sell up - but don't assume they will be - get help for your son in any form you can before that- so that he can start to build up his strength. Make sure he knows that he is 'normal' but just has an overactive part of his brain that deals with fear and that he can train his brain to tone this down - but it takes a bit of work on his part.

My son also takes medication now - it takes the edge off - although I am looking at trying other medication or a higher does as I don't feel it is having enough effect on him. But who knows - he might not be at school at all if he wasn't on the medication. So sorry - no magic answers - but lots of help and support on here from us who know exactly what you are going through. Take care and take some time out for yourself - treat yourself this week - you deserve it.
Linda

Thanks Linda,
School has been easy this week and dad has been away at his girlfriends for the last couple of days. So homelife has been pretty balanced, hence why going to school has not been a challenge.
You are correct in saying that my sons behaviour is compounded by the behaviour of his father, I see the patterns forming all the time.
My husband rarely went to school from the age of about 13. The reason I thought was because his parents were too busy dealing with a sick and dying child whilst trying to hold their family together. I do however see low self esteem and anxiety problems in my husband and his brother (the 2 youngest when there sister was dying) and I often wonder if the support was there for them in the 70's things could have been so much better for them too.
Today we finally have our first appointment with the youth worker that will hopefully give my son a platform to talk about his issues with his father's drinking and hopefully provide him with support and a place to release his tensions.
Today also marks the day he meets dad's girlfriend and daughter, so the backlash from that may be interesting.
dad is learning to keep his son in the loop about what he is up to and so far has not let him down. It appears that everytime he does is when my son gets stressed.
I have come to accept he will have days when school is just a no go area, but that has only happened since reading info on this page.
It has been great to know I'm not alone and there are so many of us out there suffering.
Thanks again for all the support

HI Phyllis

Good to hear your son has been going ok to school. Keep strong and keep trying at this stage to make sure he does get to school and keeps up with the work - it gets much harder when they get older. Get some support in place for him now - don't just assume it will all go away and not return - it might - but if it doesn't - then he will know what to do and so will you. Building your son's resilience outside of school and boosting his self esteem are good places to start - and also any counselling that will help him deal with his anxiety issues as well as issues with family situation.

My son also got to school yesterday and today - although he was so tired after yesterday that he slept from after dinner through till morning.

You sound like you have lots of family issues that might get in the way sometimes - and your son won't know quite how to deal with them and school - but at least he is still trying.
Stay in touch and let us know how things go - and remember - you are not on your own with this - there are lots of us who know what you go through.
Take care
Linda