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School Refusal
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Counsellors

Dear All

We have finally found a great counsellor who my daughter has visited once, to help with her anxiety. I sat in on this session but would be happy to let my daughter go in by herself next time (think this may be more beneficial anyway). I could tell that she has a different approach to anyone else my girl has seen and I was starting to see the beginning of light at the end of the tunnel.

However, we are due to see the counsellor again today and my daughter has refused to go! She has been up all night worrying about it and now is too worried to go. I know I can't force her to go, but I also know that this counsellor would really be able to help her. I have tried reassuring her and think she is too worried as she knows this lady will be asking her some uncomfortable questions (but this is what she needs, so we get to the bottom of her anxiety). I have tried to explain that it's a bit like taking unpleasant medicine - not great tasting at first, but you get used to it and then you start to get better.

Not sure where we go from here, but feel so frustrated and sad, as help is there for my girl, but she is unable to accept it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you and I hope your journeys are going a little smoother.

Re: Counsellors

hi Sharry
have no adfvice really. but do know what it's like to know that someone may be able to help but the child just wont't engage with the person.

the frustration is unbelievable.

keep stron.

Virginia

Re: Counsellors

Hi Sharry - this is a very common theme with all sufferers of anxiety. My girl has often refused to attend appointments. If the counsellor is agreeable, would she ring your daughter prior to the appointment to try to reassure her? Otherwise, for us just accepting that sometimes they won't be able to go - cancel and make a new appointment and try again. Also, my daughter always wanted me to sit in on appointments until she felt very comfortable with the person. I didn't speak unless asked a question. Hope this helps xx

Re: Counsellors

Hi Sharry

This does seem to be common and my son had the same problem - and does continue to have issues on and off with seeing the psychiatrist. He actually refused outright to see the first psychologist after the first session. We then tried another one and he went for a few and then totally refused. She then was able to come to the house but about the third time with that - he refused to come out of his room. She decided then that she could do no more for him unless he engaged. So its a rocky road finding the right help. We then visited the psychiatrist and they seemed to engage but the cost was so high that I just couldn't keep going on regular basis - so we found yet another psychologist - and all went well for awhile but then he refused to see her again either.
The most contact we have had is with the psychiatrist who we now see occasionally. I feel it was important we hung in there with her as they did engage initially. He now finds he sometimes can make it and other times I go instead! Not ideal - but better than nothing. One time he refused to get out of the car in the car park and she came down and talked with him at the car!!

So I don't know the answer - but if you really felt something with this person - then hang in there and see what you can do on a not so regular basis or as Sandy has suggested - stay with your daughter - don't suggest just her on her own at this stage. Also perhaps there is no real 'answer' to the anxiety as such - so even if questions are asked -there is not necessarily a deep seated reason for the anxiety. My son does not have any specific reason - so the focus is more on how to move forward - not dwelling on the past or why etc. So perhaps you could even talk to the counsellor and ensure she does talk about the road forward and not necessarily look at finding answers to the past. My son said at one point he was sick of all the questions - and this is something that the psychiatrist doesn't do - she tends to see what is happening now - and talk about how to move forward with that or what steps to take next time etc. She sees him on his own mostly but has also seen myself, my ex, and all three of us together - and I think that really helped her gain a big picture of what all impacts on the anxiety overall. So having sessions yourself with the counsellor when your daughter can't face her is also ok - and may help you with some steps to help your daughter.
See how you go without the pressure of weekly or fortnightly visits and staying with your daughter.
Let us know how you go -
take care - and hang in there : )
Linda

Re: Counsellors

Thank you for this Linda. It is so difficult. Every time we think we are venturing near a glimmer of hope, it just doesn't happen. The counsellor has also said that unless we give at least 24 hours notice that my daughter can't attend, she will still charge us. This means that we may often be paying £100 an hour for nothing! The counsellor has also said that if my daughter can't agree to see her, she will quickly become agrophobic as well. I thought we were doing quite well as we have all been out as a family to various places and my girl even did a 2 hour stint at face-painting for a local primary school a few days ago. However, the counsellor (who seems good, but quite honest) says that I am her safety blanket and that is the only reason she is able to go out - so we have to remove this blanket as soon as possible.

Anyway, hope your Son is managing to go to School - I am just clinging on until the Summer holidays in 4 weeks.

Very best wishes to you.

Sharry


Re: Counsellors

Hi Sharry

It is small steps and it sounds like that is what your daughter is doing. IF she did the face painting just recently - she is doing really well actually. If she was refusing to go out with you as a family - then it has gone too far with her finding shelter behind you - so I would imagine keep encouraging her to go out with you is a good step to her then letting go.

Whilst the counsellor might be honest - my gut feeling is that they are asking bigger steps of your daughter than she is able to manage and this is why you feel you are not moving forward at any pace. I am not a counsellor but I have analysed our situation so many times - that I find sometimes experiences of others can be of benefit.
My son did become agoraphobic and would not go out even with family two years ago. Perhaps we could have avoided that - but the good thing is - he is now not like that at all. So we moved on from that . But he is still sheltering behind me but I keep making him take a tiny step in new directions or challenge himself slightly each time. Sometimes it is suddenly giving him the money and saying 'here - can you just pay for this while I get something else we need.' when out shopping or on mother's day I parked the car and said he had to walk to the florist if he was serious about wanting to get me flowers - and he did.....and I was really really proud of him. So others might think - 'you've got to be joking....our son/daughter would have done that aged 10....' we have to see these tiny steps as an achievement - so never loose sight of the daily move forward and give praise where possible to these things.

Our psychologist and psychiatrist also have that notification clause - it is really awful as people with agrophohbia or anxiety probably often miss their appointments - and yet these people earn a fortune....so they can afford to loose a patient or two a day as far as I am concerned!!! IT was on those days that I'd have to turn up myself to the counsellor or I would monitor my son in the two days prior to the session and if he seemed really reluctant - I would then cancel.

Gosh it's hard- isn't it - it is all so touch and go with what is the best way. You can only do your best and hope your daughter starts to do more things with you - and then re connects with school or finds a way to do school work outside of school.
Is there any voluntary work she can do in the community - with you initially? I was just thinking how well my son went a couple of weeks ago when he had to do a voluntary few hours at a local community plant nursery for one of his subjects at school - and he was just a different kid. He was up bright and early - he was quiet but friendly at the venue (and I left him there with another student) and when I picked him up after 3 hours - he was in good spirits.
Some of the people who volunteer at this nursery, do so, because they have had some mental health issues and find socialising a bit difficult. Some just love local native Australian plants - but generally the mix shows a great understanding and I think my son picked up on this.
The other thing that can be really good to be involved in but I don't know how much you have int the UK - is equine therapy. It is used to help those struggling with all kinds of issues - social - mental health and things like autism. Interacting with the horses seems to some how have a huge impact on those who struggle with making links to others or new situations. Even if it is not a therapy run course - being around horses I understand can help - or being around animals. Do you happen to have an animal rescue organisation with volunteers in your community perhaps?
Sorry I am just wildly throwing out ideas here but sometimes when I am trying to think of things for my own son I wonder if they will help others too in the same situation.

We have holidays at the end of this week (for only two weeks). Hurray!!!! I know how you feel counting down the days and weeks. Have you checked any on-line learning yet?
Catch you later
Linda

Re: Counsellors

Hello Linda

Thank you so much for this. Some great advice again there. We have now arranged for the counsellor to come to our house, but I am so worried that afterwards my girl will make me promise that she'll never come again - if I don't promise this, she will be anxious all the time.

I have thought about voluntary work - their is an opportunity at the School where I work - the nursery class have said that she can go in for a few hours on a morning to help out. I would be in the main school and she would be in the separate nursery block. This is a great idea, but my girl is too worried to go, even if I stay with her for the first session.

I will also pursue the animal option - but again, though I am sure she would love this idea initially, it wouldn't surprise me if the worry then takes over and she can't do it.

Anyway, we will see what the next few days bring - and you may be right about the counsellor.

Hope things with your Son are improving - it sounds as if things are going in the right direction for you.

Thank you so much for your support.

Regards.