Hello - I just found this forum and website and feel both a big relief as well as some fear. I haven't started reading the posts but first will introduce myself to become a part of the community.

I am a SAHM of a 14 y.o. Do you all feel like the whole school refusal thing is impossible to make into a short story? I always try, but it never works, the nature of this place we are all in is just so complicated. My son is 14. This started 2 years ago. He had an amazing 12 years, always the sweetest boy who kids and adults loved, never into trouble, strong academically as well as strong in sports and the arts. Two years ago we transferred him (his choice too) into a large, public school from a small private school. At first we thought this was all a result of that transition, but I truly feel like his school avoidance has nothing to do with school. (One factor, two years prior to the onset of the school avoidance his father moved out and an amicable divorce followed. I know part of his stress is the loss of the family, also some dad issues with a loving but narcissistic father, but I think it is beyond just these few things.)

After 10 weeks into the school year he missed a few days. We realized then it was stress, had him go back to school. But this didn't go well and after many failed attempts, we ended up homeschooling him with a friend who was homeschooling her son. He really gained confidence and appreciated the lack of social and academic pressure, but he knew he wanted to return to a traditional school the following year.

That year he started at the public school again because his friends were all there (newer friends who he didn't know the first time around). However a week into school he started getting the anxiety and said he couldn't do it. We quickly transferred him to a small, Catholic school nearby. He had a hard time the first day, couldn't get out of the car. We gave him Clonazepam the next day, and it was miraculous. He stayed there 4 months, was on the honor role, made a lot of friends. In January he missed a few days and it all started, again. At this point the school sent home work but once we realized it was not going to change, he was enrolled at a 1:1 school. They worked with the Catholic school to coordinate his curriculum. In early May he also quit going to class there. He had bouts of suicidal thinking that we are fairly certain was a result of a dosage increase in Zoloft.

Throughout the last two years he has maintained his friendships. The docs say this is the good thing, and that we cannot 'use' social time as a consequence for anything, as he needs this more than anything else, makes him feel normal... We have seen several therapists and psychiatrists. He got a therapist he connected with in Jan and started talking to her - but - when the suicidal stuff started he was too ashamed to go back into her. He has been back, but not as open. Shame/embarrassment seem to be his biggest issue and trigger - kills his confidence and self-esteem. Still feel like we are either missing something big, or just cannot believe why it is so complicated to fix. Everything is off the tracks, with no end in sight. Psychs have not been helpful, but we see a new one next week whom I am hopeful about. Did a neuro psych assessment but no cognitive, learning issues. Tried Equine therapy, psychic, church, exercise, fish oil, Vitamin D, therapists, psychiatrists, Tapping, vacations, camps, Zoloft/Prozac/Lexapro, nurturing/understanding love, tough love.... but the end of the day, we are just at a loss of what to do.

We are meeting with an educational consultant Thursday. Her specialty is therapeutic residential schools. I never, ever, ever thought we would be here. But he will be in 8th grade, and I feel like I am out of tools to help him. Ideally we could get this managed before High School, or I am afraid he will be set up for a trajectory in life that is full of pain. So I feel like this may be our only option. I don't know what else I can do for him. I am great at research, action items. But I am coming up short no matter what we try.

OK - that is the short version... hoping this is active community as the one thing I know those of us parents in this situation need support to hold it together for our sweet children.

Welcome to our group, SiS

Most members are based in the UK, and most are now on holiday, or near the end of term, so anxieties are lower, and there is not so much 'business' being done here on the Forum.

You have clearly been working hard at finding solutions, and work-arounds for your son's difficulties, and it looks like you have had educational help, help from therapists and psychiatrists, support from your doctor, and more, and still not found the magic wand that will make this go away.

Sadly, I have to tell you that few, if any, of us here have found that magic wand.

Calling yourself 'Sleepless in Seattle' tells me that it is time for you to take time to look after yourself. We have to be there for our children when they need us, and when we get exhausted, we are not at our best. Most of us have found that we have to let this run its course. You have set a deadline of High School (sorry, but I do not know how that compares with the Scottish education system), and that may be realistic, but most of us have found that 'school refusal' can still be with us at college/university.

And yes, it is possible to get to that stage of education - it just takes a bit longer.

I don't think I have helped much, but there are very supportive parents here, so do keep in touch,

Yours aye,

Simon

Hi Simon - Thank you so much for your reply. I was amazed as I got through just the first page of posts last night how the experiences are so similar, so much of what people said I could relate exact memories to from when the same things happened here. I will definitely keep checking for posts and reading a bit each day as I'd like to get through the whole history. Sounds like I should check out the mental well being forum as you are right, this definitely takes a toll on all of us parents. It helps so very much just knowing there is a whole community of parents out there. Please know how much you have impacted us all by starting this website! Best, SiS :)

Hi SIS

Welcome to the forum and so glad you found us. Your story mirrors so many of us on here. I can hear your frustration and know exactly how you feel. And yes - no short story on this one.
I don't have a magic answer either but I know that this forum has helped save me from despair on many occasions.
We are currently at the crossroads re educational avenues and choosing somewhere (I will add a separate post).

Simon is so right about having to look after yourself as well. I have found it is essential to do things just for us - as well as keep everything in perspective and whilst it does take over our life- try to keep a balance.

Do you think going back to home schooling might be a temporary answer to the stress levels? If you can maintain links with his friends but still be home schooled - that sounds positive. But perhaps there are other reasons why he can't be home schooled. It is a huge commitment.

Hang in there and hopefully some of the posts on here and replies to your posts will help support you along the way. You are not alone - there are lots of us out here and it is such a shame it takes us so long to find what help is out there.
Come on here any time - myself or someone else is usually around to offer our support in whatever way we can. There are some good news stories which always gives us lots of hope. Each of our children are individuals so what works for one might not work for another - but they are all worth trying.
Take care and take some time out for just you - hear from you soon
Linda