Hi everyone,

Well after nearly 9 years of the school system - both primary and secondary - it has finally broken down and my son has refused to ever go back. From those of you who have read my posts over the years you have probably held hope that my son was kind of 'hanging in there'. This was kind of happening and he was averaging about 2-3 days a week. But it was taking its toll and his self esteem was not improving. Maintaining friendships became difficult. The school was too big (1600 students). He only went there as he knew kids who were going.
He's still on medication - and who knows - he might have caved in a long time ago if he hadn't taken it.

It all came to a head last week when my ex tried to force him to go to school and my son was in tears. It was heart renting as I hadn't seen my son cry so badly for a long time -even though he panicked every morning and sometimes couldn't make it. I fell out with my ex- he fell out with both of us - it was a very unpleasant day all round.
My son then just couldn't go. I tried for a few more mornings but it was just no go. Eventually last weekend he came to me at 2am in the morning and said 'I can't do school anymore - it is ruining my life'. And in reality - he was right.

So....more falling out with the ex until my son went off with him to the psychiatrist (I was in bed with a migraine!) and she was brilliant and made sure it was my son who was deciding. She felt, however, that he should still try a school environment to engage with others - but a much smaller - community school. He went to visit one school and kind of liked the friendliness (only 160 students) but also found them a bit 'weird' (perhaps too alternative for him - I don't know... I was still trying to surface and function!!). We don't have many options - just this one community school (a government school) and another private school of only 71 students. Another option I rather like the sound of that I recently discovered is an 'off campus' environment where the program is run from a high school but small groups - no more than 6 meet at various centres once a week with a tutor and then twice a term visit the main school (in the country). They then do the work at home. I know this wasn't the first choice of the psychiatrist - but for me it seems like it might be the only relief my son can find. Only problem is - we have to wait till the new year starts in january.
So - left in limbo for the rest of this term (we are only a short time into a new term) and then the next term before the Christmas holidays. I am trying to convince my son to give the community school a try (They do a week's trial before asking for any commitment or enrolment). He feels very anxious about starting somewhere new....I just wish we could take more off the edge of his anxiety to give this a go and then perhaps if he d oesn't like it - go for the off campus program.

Anyway - just sharing this with you....we are at the crossroads and I feel this was the breakdown that had to happen to enable us to move in a more positive direction. I do not know if you have 'community' schools in the UK but here we have a few that take in kids who can't fit into mainstream schooling (anything from anxiety to just total lack of motivation to home issues). You can only go to them if you have a referral - which we would have no trouble obtaining but not all of them are suitable as I don't think my son would enjoy the environment with kids who have been a behaviour issue at another school. So tricky times - lots of decision - but lots of encouraging my son to learn outside of school at the moment. I have no problem with this but his father seems to think being in school is the only way to be educated. My son is going to enter a photo competition next week...so already for me there is a positive. We can only try and stay positive in the rocky road....
I'll let you know what we decide and how we move forward on this one.
Take care everyone and hope you are also all hanging in there and managing as best you can - thinking of you all
Linda

Hey Linda - I know this must be so difficult especially with an ex who is being less than supportive. I must say though I am somewhat relieved that it has come to a head as I know your son has tried so very hard and yet was still struggling badly. Is there any chance of him doing distance ed via internet until start of next year? http://www.distance.vic.edu.au/enrolment-information/. It is something we looked into at one point. My T is also at a crossroads - she has decided to completely finish school this year and as year 12 commences in 4th term, she only has one term left of year 11 and school is done. She is only attending one class (drama) a week and still finds it difficult at times but is still doing really well at tafe. Now the big one is what is she going to do next year....we visited a local agricultural college which I think would be great for her but she would have to live onsite during the week and she doesn't know if she is ready. Other options are part time work and part time tafe. I am trying not to influence her too much - has to be her decision. Take care of yourself first and foremost - your son knows you are in his corner and will fight for him. Let us know how things work out.

Hi Linda

Hope you are okay. So sorry to hear of your difficulties. However, this may be the resolution needed for your Son and for you. Please remember that you are amazing. We can all learn from your strength and your commitment to get your Son through this difficult time. Yes, it is a complete emotional rollercoaster, but you will come out the other side of this, as will your Son - never forget that.

Don't dwell too much on comments or actions by your ex. partner, this will only make you more upset.

Move forward from where you are now and take all the positives you can.

Your Son is so lucky to have you - both of you need to remember this.

Thinking of you and sending warmest wishes.

Sharry x

Thanks so much Sandy and Sharry - your words are very encouraging.
After a few days of feeling quite vulnerable about the whole thing - I now feel so relieved (at least in this transition period!). I have woken up with a spring in my step for the first time in a long time.
I have just arranged today that I go up to the potential new school (I say 'up' because it is up in the hills) and meet with someone with my 'expression of interest' form. My son is still feeling motivated to give it a go - so that is really good.
They have a five day trial - which is such an excellent idea - and then he can see how he feels.
Will let you know how it all goes.
Thanks again - your words of support are really appreciated. It is a rocky road - and mine has just taken one of those big curves that also occur along the way. Hope yours are hanging in there - take some time out for yourself (as I always say).
Best wishes,
Linda

My son starts a 5 day trial at the community school next week. He says he is nervous but also want to make it work. I visited the school today and was very impressed with the support they provide for students and the respect and closeness of teachers and students. I was given a tour by two lovely year 9 boys who although quiet, spoke confidently of how much better they felt at this school.
For the first time in a long time I felt such relief - I had a really positive feeling about the place and about my son.
We are having a nice chilled out week before he goes there.
If this doesn't work out - my next option will be the AYCE program - and then third in option is Distance Education via internet.

If my son had not been so keen to follow other students he knew going to the local school - I might have been able to enrol him in a school like this much earlier. But he didn't want to start at a school where he knew no one. Now he is older he realises that it is the only option really - as mainstream schools are just not going to work. I can see he has matured a lot through the process and I am proud of the fact that he kept trying and hanging in as best he could for two and a half years.

Will let you all know how it goes and what choices we have made after next week.
Hope you are all going ok and have been having a really good summer break from school.
Linda

Oh Linda I just had a very long reply to you that completely disappeared with one touch to my keyboard - arghh!!!!

I cannot retype it all, but will the tell you the important, new information. The old information I was filling you in on is in the email I first posted that described our experience just a week or two ago. I reiterated that for us, I don't think the school anxiety is really related to school, but instead is a manifestation of a perfect storm of issues that all hit (divorce, puberty, being a sensitive soul, low self-esteem...). And that once his school anxiety started, it has taken on a life of its own, followed him to every school situation (4 different types of schools including one on one), and as a result I don't think things will ever get back to normal without some major intervention to change all he has gotten programmed into his brain the last few years (the anxious thinking patterns, and now afraid of success as much as failure I think.)

So... we recently met with an educational consultant who specializes in these cases. I met a mom going through something similar this year and she told me two months ago about therapeutic boarding schools. I thought she was crazy and that I would never consider sending my son. However, now after the last few months - him refusing to see his therapists, being too anxious to get out of the car for even lacrosse day camp, I feel like we have possibly done everything we can to help him, and may need this higher level of care to help get him through this and not allow it to become a life altering thing. It is not good for his self-esteem to have another year feeling like he can't do normal life. Look up www.waypoint.academy. Apparently there are hundreds of schools like this here in the US. It is just an example but they specialize in anxiety. It is just something to keep in the back of your mind as it was a relief to me to know that when we feel like we have no options, and feel like we cannot help our child, are not equipped to help them, there are options as a last resort. From what I hear most kids do it for a year and then can reintegrate into mainstream environment.

OK I have to run before I lose this email too - thinking of you - Michelle

Hi

I looked up your link and it seems amazing that this kind of place exists! How wonderful - if it doesn't cost a fortune? Do they find that the kids are then able to move back into mainstream schools or the workplace etc? What is the general outcome?

I know changing schools is not the answer but in our case it was a necessity due to complete attendance breaking down. My son did his first day of the trial week today and I was so proud of him. I felt very teary as I left him looking quite lost and alone amongst a whole bunch of people that he had never ever met before.
He seemed ok at the end of the day but claims he is never going back. Mmmm.....I already have a tight knot in my stomach thinking about it. I have told him that myself and his father cannot back his decision not to go if he doesn't do more than one day . So i just have to hope and pray I can get him out the door tomorrow.

He said the students were nice - although he found them a bit weird (they are very free and with no school uniform you get a few dressing in an 'interesting' fashion. But he found the lack of discipline and the way the kids talked over the teacher and many played games on mobile phones during the lesson quite concerning. He said it just isn't his type of school. HE might well be right but what a shame that a school that supports kids who don't fit the mainstream system don't also have a better structure as most kids with anxiety like some order and discipline.
He said he felt the other kids weren't interested in doing any work and that the teacher's didn't expect them to do much. In many ways this is from coming from an academic focused school to a free thinking school. Perhaps it is just too hard to adjust. But I still can't believe my son made it through a whole day - but if he doesn't stay at this school - we have a dilemma - where to now? And with only a term and a half left of this year - it is tricky!!
So the rocky road continues - but at least the scenery is a bit different (the school is in the beautiful mountains about half an hours drive from where we live - set amongst beautiful trees). Oh well - fingers crossed.

Hope everyone else is managing
Take care
Linda

My son didn't make it back to the new school trial week. He says he does not want to go there.
I felt very flat today - and my son ended up feeling very sick from worry about the whole thing.
I am sure this is just a phase/spell/bump/hiccup we are going through - but I just can't quite picture my son at any school at the moment. I says he just wants to be 'normal' and he felt the kids at the small community school all had issues (which of course he has ironically) but he is so desperate to be 'normal' that he does not want to be treated differently. And this makes sense too - it is just that as many of you already know as you have tried this - there is no 'ideal' school really out there. Our children/teenagers have to learn to work with their anxiety in different situations.
The school my son was attending, however, was so large at 1600 - that it was bound to take its toll.

It is nice to know, however, that my son does feel he needs to have motivation to work - and he did not like the lack of motivation he saw in many of the students attending the community school. Nice supportive environment - but perhaps for kids that want to be different and so don't fit mainstream and also those that need some extra support. Given a different personality - my son might have loved it.

Our government schools here are zoned just like in the UK - so it is not as if we can just step outside our zone and find something (the community school was an exception as it was an 'alternative' government school).
There are two smaller high schools outside the zone which I can make enquiries to - but I just feel it will be so much harder for my son to try them as he won't know anyone and will have to make all new friends (Whereas at the community school - all the Year 9 boys hung out together at break time.

Hopefully when I next post I will have sorted a few more things out in my head but right now - just feeling like many of you do when things don't work out when changes are made.
Hope your school break is still going well (I assume you are all still on mid year break?).

Terskac - if you are ever reading on here again (you seemed to have disappeared?) I wonder if you were aware of the residential 'schools' for students with anxiety in the US as posted by Sleepless in Seattle? Perhaps they are too far away or cost the world? I was thinking of you the other day as my neighbour is having similar problems to your son with the self harming. He is only 13 and has been admitted to hospital twice - disappeared for 3 hours this last weekend and we were all driving around looking for him - the police picked him up and he had self harmed again (he suffers from depression and OCD).

I really do keep wondering what on earth is happening to our teenagers - why are their feelings so extreme. Teenagers always went through difficult times - but these kids are not exactly facing a particularly 'difficult' time - they are just hit by anxiety and depression with such force that their young bodies cannot cope. Was it really always there and we just didn't talk about it? Why do kids self harm? Do they do this now because they read about it on the internet? If they didn't know about it - what would they do? Is it a natural outcome of depression and anxiety?
Sorry - so many questions - and no answers!! Sorry for the long post.
Take care everyone and hoping you are all hanging in there.
Linda

Hi

Linda I could see why your son mightn't have liked the community school. The lack of discipline etc would unsettle me and I agree, children with SR usually prefer order and rules and that type of lassiez-faire environment can be unsettleing.

take care
Virgina

Hi Linda-I am running out of the house but will sit down hopefully tonight and reply to your posts. It sounds like our sons and the very current spot they are in is very similar, thus we have the same feelings about it too! I'll be in touch soon - and yes, the residential schools are an insane fortune, insane...

Hi Linda - first of all i'm sending you lots of love and hugs. With regards to your son saying he wants to be "normal" remember and tell him he is - he just had issues with school. Many children have different types of problems its just that ours of so apparent. I remember talking to M's primary school head after he became a refuser at senior school, I was in tears explaining what was going on, and his reply was " well if not being able to go to school is his only problem then he's lucky as school isn't for everyone" I always remember those words. M is now 18 and I have to say a lovely well rounded adult - still has issues with anxiety but I think he will always have but he copes most of the time.

All parents that are going through this think it will never end - gosh I did I thought it would go on forever but it doesn't and you will get there one way or another I promise.

Thinking of you all Sarah xx

Thank you so much for your encouraging words Sarah (nice to hear from you again : )
So nice to hear that m is going ok still - and I know how you used to feel....hard to believe he is 18 now : )
Wish him and yourself and your other son well : )
Thanks also Virginia and Sleepless in Seattle.

Even though I have been going through this for years - there are still times when I get knocked flat.

We are taking tours of two others schools on Friday - one has 500 kids and the other 200. One is private and one public. The public one is out of our zone - so not sure how that will go.

My son was in ok spirits for most of yesterday but last night he just refused to go to bed - and became agitated again and said he was tired of all this. It is certainly wearing and all I could do was give him a big hug and tell him I was on the road with him and it would get easier. From his point of view it hasn't yet - but we are hanging in there hoping it does. Changing schools does worry me - as I know the anxiety travels from school to school. But at the same time he just couldn't have continued at his other school - it was too big and perhaps the constant reminder of how he couldn't make it there was also a factor. A new school might last awhile but I know in the back of my mind that I don't want to hold any particular expectations - just take what comes. I hope I have been able to convey that to my son.

It is strange being in limbo and how you can just leave a school and they don't particularly care. His old school have marked him on the computer program that I can still access as having excited. I emailed all his teachers and thanked them and said good-bye. Only one replied. The coordinator is still in touch with me as I can't be 'not enrolled' as it is illegal. I am finding it hard to concentrate on much at the moment - so thinking of all of you who are in the same boat. I always try to stay positive as I know that nothing stays the same for long - but sometimes a low point can seem to go on for eternity!!

Pity for you Michelle in the US that the residential school is so expensive. Really not fair as it means so many can't access this. My son was very affected by Robin Williams death. I think he saw parts of himself in the actor's suffering. I explained to him, however, that we know nothing about any support he had as a teenager or early adulthood. What more can you say when a high profile person takes their life when the seem to have it all - and yet suffered depression and other mental health issues.

Take care everyone
Linda

We meet with the assistant principal on the new school on Monday. My son is naturally increasingly nervous.
Last night he woke me at 2am to tell me he couldn't sleep and he was a failure and he couldn't remember when he was ever really happy. We talked...and he improved his thoughts but then irrationally decided that staying up all night would mean he would not sleep in next day as he'd be awake??!! No amount of talking him around would change his mind. He assured me he would do nothing 'stupid' as he hated the sight of blood.

I was dead tired so had to just fall asleep again myself. At 7am he woke me and said he'd stayed awake all night and would i watch something on the iPad with him. I wasn't about to face the morning. Later when I got up - he was fast asleep and at midday still is. It is tiring when they are not in a good place in their mind. But this is kind of 'normal' for us - so we just kind of plod along and crawl over the bumps!!

A friend of mine whose son is now taking the same medication, on the other hand, went drastically downhill and is now in an adolescent psychiatric unit at the hospital. He is only 14. He was running away and self harming and the last self harm was really awful.

My gut feeling is that while I know her son was feeling suicidal - I wonder about the medication. One of the side effects when first taking some of this medication is suicidal thoughts , possible self harm and so forth. He just seems to have gone downhill so quickly - four weeks - since taking the medication.
Has anyone else had issues with Luvox (Fluvoxamine)?
For my son - I just don't feel it works - but maybe if he wasn't on it - he'd be worse.

Take care everyone
Linda

Hi Linda - sorry to hear your son is not doing well. T did try Luvox at one stage - didn't have any bad side affects but didn't help either. My doctors first anti-depressant for children/adolescents is lovan (Prozac) and this is what T did well on the first few years. My 20yo daughter has recently had a bit of a breakdown - has been coming for a while with anxiety related issues and finally came to a head when uni semester went back. So off to the doctor we went and he didn't hesitate with our family history to start her on medication (Lovan) and booked her straight in for psychologist appointments. She was at the stage of not eating or talking and staying in bed all day - almost 2 weeks later she is pretty much back to her old self. She did feel awful for first couple of days but nothing too sinister. We are hopeful she will only need to be on it for 6 months and with the counselling get her back on track. T has been on Escitalopram for the last couple of years and still doing well - have halved her dosage and still doing well. Over the years I have worked out if a medication is not showing positive effects within the recommended time frame or stops working, we are straight back to the doctor for either a dosage adjustment or change. Interestingly some recent research I was reading about indicated that some people do better on a lower dose that the recommended one, especially for anxiety disorders. Thinking of you both and also hope your friend's son improves in care. xx