school refusers


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School Refusal
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If only it had another name!

Hi Everyone

Hope you are still relaxed enjoying your summer break. Down here it is rather cold lately and we are midway through third term.

I just wanted to share with you what I think has really been 'discrimination' from my son's school due to the name 'School Refusal'. It is not a good name. The word ' refusal' seems to indicate that the child is just being stubborn and therefore refusing to go. We have had discussions about this on the forum before - usually about how other parents view the term and how they say things like ' if it was my child, I;d just drag them in...they wouldn't be able to refuse me' etc. This time - I think I can see evidence of how schools view this - due to a lack of understanding of any anxiety disorder and merely being influence by the name.

You will know from my posts that my son was basically overlooked in his school. Never seen as 'bad enough' and never had the welfare support system offered in a way that would have helped him. Never told of any flexibility in learning or programs for such a student. Basically in his first two years of secondary school the blame was laid at my feet - indications given that they thought i was being too soft and I just had to make sure he attended on a regular basis. No sympathy given to me and certainly little to my son. Meetings I had with welfare coordinator, year level coordinators and principals had them all sitting on the opposite side of the table pointing their finger - and looking annoyed rather than concerned, alerted to a problem or sympathetic. When I told the coordinator my son had attempted self harm I was met with 'sorry to hear that' and nothing else. When I directly engaged the support of the Chaplain - I was told that I should not have done that but gone to the coordinator first instead etc. I started to believe that perhaps the whole welfare system at the school was just like this - as I knew no different. I did meet a lovely new coodinator this year - but I could see he was one of a kind rather than the school support in full.

I have a friend whose son goes to the same school - and I have been giving them all the support I can because they have been through hell the last couple of weeks with their son self harming and now on suicide watch. The difference in the school could not be more pronounced. They have had the support of a social worker (who I did not know existed at the school) - the Chaplain - the coordinators and so forth. They have all (thankfully) rallied around the family - given them lots and lots of support and sympathy. They have worked with the family to design a flexible learning plan so that he can start going back to school (has been unable to attend for 2 weeks due to depression levels). They have alerted all teachers to upload the work covered in each lesson and for the student to access that on a daily basis at home. I am just so pleased for my friend that a support network does exist at the school - because it really did not exist for us - despite my pleading for help.

The difference I think lies simply in a name. Depression is regarded as serious. Self harm and attempted self harm should be regarded as similar - so I don't think there is an issue with this as such - but there is when the child is known as a 'school refuser' . Attempted self harm, I believe, may have been seen as 'attention seeking' without the reality of yes - attention seeking for what? And the seriousness of the matter in the case of my son. As my son kept on missing days but also kept on hanging in there - then the radar was not up either in regard to potential long absences and so when they did occur - no body made contact with me except to hound me for doctor's certificates to cover their own backs as to why a student was absent. I think if the school had been told my son had a 'depressive anxiety disorder' they school would have sat up and listened. But because he had 'school refusal' they thought - despite me trying to educate- that he just didn't want to come to school - and was fine otherwise. They had no concept of why a school might be such a frightening environment for some students and how those same things could make life difficult for some kids to socialise outside of school as well - so become housebound.

It makes me hope and wonder if this wording can one day be changed by those who named it in the first place. The word 'school phobia' also sets up some wrong images but it does actually sound more severe and more like it is a condition rather than a behavioural attitude.
Just my thoughts on the subject - but wonder what others think of the name 'School Refusal' and how accurate it is and how it might lead to complete misunderstanding by schools and community.

Take care everyone
Linda
PS Three days until my son starts the trial at the new school - and he is getting quite worked up - as can be expected and saying 'I never wanted to go there in the first place' etc. I am sure any of you who have changed schools have come across this as I recall some posts where you worried that your son/daughter might not even make it on the first day. It crosses my mind too - it would be daunting for my to start a new school/workplace - but I know for my son it is so much worse. I feel helpless that there doesn't seem to be much I can do to make him feel better - but just keep trying to distract him by doing things with him and then talking him through just taking one hour - one day at a time.
I have also told him I will hang around just a bit after we sign in - and he can text me any time. I have to also be a bit 'matter of fact' as I can't show too much empathy or else he will break down when he least wants to. Hard balance -but I know many of you have been there before....if you can advise before the school week starts - greatly appreciate.
Sorry for the long posting!!!!!

Re: If only it had another name!

Hi Linda

Just want to wish your son all the best in his new school.

I agree with your opinion that maybe school refusal is seen as just that. refusing to go to school.
maybe in time the professionals will come around to seeing it for what it is, a serious problem that needs to be tackled.

glad your friends's son is getting the help and support he needs. it took many decades before depression/suicide could be even spoken about so changes do happen.

take care

Virginia