school refusers
a resource for parents
Hello all
What a difference a day can make. And Sharry....thinking of you and hoping you can ease your daughter forward. It is a tough and worrying time. Remember - you are not alone.
My son started his new school yesterday and he had a good day. He came out smiling and said it was 'better than the community school' he trailed a couple of weeks ago. It is still school and the expectations will kick in later which we will have to deal with - but I am pleased that a first day was good and that he has got up ok the second day and also gone to school. it is a fairly traditional school - but only 500 students and the teachers just seem to be understanding. Whilst we were standing there talking to the coordinator - the sports teacher dashed up and shook my son's hand and said 'welcome to the school'. I have never seen anything like that before.
He will then do three days next week and then a full week the week after.
If you can get schools to do this slow start (at any time) - it is worth it. The student, however, has to be the one who decides which day to start and how many days the first week etc. This school emphasised that my son had to take control of his decisions and stick to them. They also would not give him his time table until he started. At first I thought - 'oh - but he has to prepare' but no - if he had the time table - he'd worry...what if etc. Whereas not knowing was actually less of a worry. They said there is also no pressure on the first few days to complete any work - just to try and settle in.
When we met with them on Monday - I was feeling frustrated as I felt they might not even want my son to attend because they seemed to want too many meetings. But what they were doing was making him really really think about what attending school meant. They always spoke directly to him and hardly to myself and his dad. They actually asked 'how do you go eating during the day at school?'. (My son finds it very difficult). No one has ever asked him or me that in the past. They then very wisely told him he had to at least eat a bar and an apple to keep up his concentration levels. At that point I realised they 'got it'. They did keep emphasising to him that he needed to know what a commitment was. He met the year level coordinator and she was just lovely and told me she'd look after him -and she did. She met him at the front door on the first day and waited till all the lockers were cleared before showing him his etc. Then she took him to class and introduced him to just a few of the boys. Which meant he had someone to hang out with at lunch time.
Whilst I know a school is a school and the anxiety might pop back at any time - I have never seen my son go off to school with the attitude he has at the moment. He really wants to 're invent' himself and give it a go. I know from others on this forum that things can go well for a few weeks and then the old habits kick in - so I am prepared for that. But what my son will know, is that he can feel different and normal.
The other good thing about this school is that they have really thought about what kids are able to do to challenge themselves. There is a camp at the end of the year (most year 9s here have camps or 'challenges' of some kind). Whereas the old school had a 'one camp fits all' attitude and other schools in the region also have 'lets make them climb the highest mountain or swim a marathon and then they have achieved something...this school has different levels they ask the student to choose, depending on which they feel will be a challenge for them as an individual.
So the activities range from rafting down a river and camping (all camps are a week), sea kayaking, bush walk over a mountainous range, cycling and camping for a week in high country, kayaking along a river to (level 2) a residential camp with out door activity adventure program to (level 1) a community living centre where the activities will focus on the environment and community (no big adventure challenges). How good is that!? For my son - level 1 will I imagine be the choice - as staying away from home for a week on a camp is something he has found enormously difficult. The student has to choose. I think all schools should have a tiered program - as we know, for some kids - just going is the challenge!!
Sorry to rave on - but just giving hope to others who are stuck in a rut going no-where. The road has lots of twists and turns and our kids will sometimes pick up on those and go with the flow and at other times (like my son 5 weeks ago) will crash and be unable to continue on that road. My son has not been at school for 5 weeks - so going to a new school, knowing no-one, was a huge challenge - and he did it.
I wish everyone else lots of luck and patience as you head back to school. The main thing on the long journey I have been on (10 years so far) is 1) acceptance there is a mental health issue/disorder and 2) looking after my own mental health. Take care and share the next stage of your journey at any time.
Linda
