Hi All, im new to this site so please forgive me if I do or say anything wrong!
I am sat here reading through all sorts of literature on the internet and havent been able to find anything to help me. I am at the moment struggling with getting 2 of my children aged 8 & 11 to school. We have had a tough year personally at home but thought we were slowly getting over it. However they are refusing to go to school on a daily basis and I am now at my wits end. I feel like a failure and am in tears most of the day. I cant carry on like this and neither can the whole family and so i thought i would see if anyone has any advice they would share with me on how to get us back ontrack as I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Please help me.

Dear Clair,

I guess this another morning with your two at home? So I am going to respond to that first.

What is the plan for the day? Assuming you do not have to go out yourself, how do you plan to structure your children's day? Have you sent them back to their bedrooms? Or put them in front of the TV? It is important that you do not let them think this is a day off.

You are probably already exhausted at this stage in the morning, and have things to do, but my suggestion is that you need to get some school books out and get something going so that they get into a routine that not being at school is not doing school work. Or if not school books, then a learning project of some sort.

It could be looking up in an atlas places mentioned in the newspaper. It could be writing, as a list, reasons for not going to school. Done as a learning project, not as a punishment. Keep the sessions short so you are in control, and not let them bring the session to an end. Don't just dump this on them.. give them a bit of time to get used to the idea. 'I am going to have a cup of coffee, then we are going to do.. til lunchtime.'

And now, a bit about us on this site. I went through hell when my daughter refused to go to school. But other parents using this site were so supportive, I could come here and let off steam. I was not looking for easy fixes - I don't think there are any. or not any we found. I just needed to find someone who understood what we were going through.

I learned the importance or record keeping. Keep a diary; keep notes from meetings; record doctors visits; meetings with the school nurse, meetings with form teachers and head teachers. If you say you will do something at one of these meeting, make sure you do your best to keep your promises, and then you are in a position to hold them to theirs.

These are your children, so you have to be in charge of the situation, and not let others attempt to take control.

If you, yourself, are not in a good place, then it is hard to be supportive for our children, so you need to give yourself some tender loving care from time to time.

And then there is that dreaded visit to the school! Make the first move. Be in charge (even if you feel you are not) Call the school and ask for an appointment to discuss a plan of action. Make a list before you go in so that you know what you want to talk about. And take notes.

Almost certainly the response will be that they have to some in. You can be taken to court if you keep them off, etc, etc. Be ready for that.

Clair, we are all with you...

Simon

HI Sue

Gosh it must be hard with two of your children refusing to go!? My heart goes out to you.

Simon has given you some good advice - for now - and for the future.
I think getting in touch with the school and finding a staff member who does seem to understand, can help.
Don't let them lay the blame at your feet though - they will try to - they don't know what else to do. But keep your head up high - you are doing all you can in very trying circumstances.

Do you think the home issues are still perhaps impacting on one or more of your children and then they are influencing each other with their emotions about getting to school? Not knowing the situation - I can't guess where they might be coming from - but is it possible they might also be going through a kind of 'separation anxiety' due to recent issues that you have had?

The sooner you can find some help via the school - the better. As Simon has suggested - write down all that you want to ask the school - and want them to do - and the kind of help that you feel is needed. Can your children get some counselling via the school? Can they be referred to camhs? Can you afford any outside support for yourself?
You will need to stay strong - so finding counselling for yourself - and also an interest that can take you outside of the worry each week - will really help in the long term.
I used to cry each day - watching the other kids go to school walk past my front window....it tears your heart out, doesn't it... But.....there comes a point where we can embrace our children where they are - understand that their school path might not be a straight one - and then find all the help we can for them. You may, as I have noted above, find that it is one of your children, more than the other, who is feeling this way. Have they expressed any reason themselves? Often they cannot pin point anything - it is just a feeling.

My son's anxiety was described at primer school as being a kind of separation anxiety (even though he had never had this before then). It was more his fear that something might happen to me or him - . But as he had what was then diagnosed as 'generalised anxiety' this kind of morphed into social anxiety by the time he reached high school. My feeling is that it is anxiety and a tendency to depression (probably one causes the other) and that this makes the school environment very challenging. My son had school refusal from primary and still at high school age.
For some kids the right help will enable them to re-engage with school -especially if you can get the right help early enough. Others might continue to have hiccups along the way - and others might not be able to attend the 'normal
school but have to be educated by other means. Don't worry about that at the moment - the main thing is to get help for them and you right now - and then when you are all in a less heightened stress state - see where things might be able to move forward. It is tiny steps - no matter what the reason behind the refusal - and all small steps are good.
Embrace your children and let them know you know they can't help how they are feeling right now - and let them know you are doing all you can to get help to make them feel much better about everything.

Come on here any time - you are never alone - and we really understand what you are going through.
Let us know how you go in the next week and ask advice at any time. We can't say we have miracle cures and answers - but many can offer advice on what worked best for them.
Take care - go and make yourself a cuppa and think of something nice you can do just for yourself today : )
Linda