Hi
I posted on here over 2 years ago but cant remember my previous anonymised username! My son was a nightmare around puberty..violent towards me always in detention and in year 9 started to school refuse. We changed his school and he virtually stopped going for his last 2 years. We went to camhs ...useful as a chocolate teapot....he hid under the table first appointment and refused to attend the second so was discharged. We filled in questionnaires that showed he had asperger traits but we never had a diagnosis. He went into school only to sit his Gcses and passed them all incredibly. Only then free from school did we we see a turning point when he finly got some control over his own life. He chose his own college his own subjects and for the last 2 years attended every single day and ended up with the highest grades possible. He went onto choose his own university and last week he drove there by himself in his own car. He continues to be exasperating with obsessive tendencies and meltdowns at home ( now expressed in throwing objects ..)whenever he is frustrated with changes...but finally I can see hope. After years of wanting either to escape from him or for him to board somewhere..i now actually miss him as he begins a new season of his life...and I am proud of what he has achieved. ...its a shame his teachers wrote him off....but we are both free of an education system badly in need of education.

Hi 'Forgetful'

What a change for your son! And you! I am so glad you came back on here and gave an update as to where things are because often we just don't know what happens after school.
I think school is just such an unnatural place for our kind of kids - it traumatises them and makes their self esteem plummet. No where else in life do they have to face so many of their peers at once - feel judged every second of the day and have to 'perform' on a regular basis. Some kids sail through that - others - like ours - just find it so confronting.

Your story gives us who are still struggling at the school end, lots of hope. I have also seen glimpses of my son in outside school situations and it gives me great hope that the future will not be so bad.

Perhaps one day when schools embrace diversity and stop giving the same assessment expectations to all - and give options - and provide smaller school environments - the list could go on......then our kids might find they can manage school.
Thanks again for sharing - I really appreciated reading that - and it gives me a more positive feeling from where we are sitting right now.
Take care - and enjoy your time you can now relax and be yourself. You have been a terrific support for your son through what appears to have been some very challenging times!!
Linda

Never give up hope...

And we must never give up on our children. A promise i made to myself a few years ago, and I still have to remind myself of this from time to time.

Hi All

I agree so much with the sntiment 'never give up hope' and never give up on our kids.

while some schools and professionals are great in dealing with children with SR, for the majority i have to say, it's like they never heard of it and never experienced a child who refused to go to school for any reason.

i suspect little will change in the near future.

so it's up to the parents to fight for everything little bit of help that is needed.

i see such a change in my daughter since she started to 'own' her life. she's a new, confident person and it makes my heart sing.

wishing you all the very best

Virginia

Dear All - I think the 'never give up hope' is so important. I often say this to my daughter, but sometimes it is difficult for her to believe it. I also often say that this is an illness and we will get through it.

We are still no further forward going to school - still seems so far away, but my girl is keeping in touch (albeit on her iPad) with friends.

Time goes on and though we are making progress on other fronts, school is a huge challenge.

It is so hard for her friends to understand how ill my girl is and that even walking down the street is a challenge (in case she sees anyone she knows).

I have reached breaking point a number of times, but then seem to find extra strength - but it is so testing.

Anyway, good luck to you all.

Regards x

Hi Sharry

Good to hear from you again but not so good to hear things are still pretty tough at your end. I know how you feel - and that point of despair seems to keep on coming back, doesn't it.

What I can say, however, is that my son also went through a 'stage' that you daughter is going through. He was refusing to leave the house, would not go down the street, was terrified of meeting anyone he knew, would draw the curtains so that if someone came to the front door no-one would see him. It was at the end of my tether as I also felt like I was captive to his anxiety and was forever trying to re-open curtains and get out of the house myself. I thought it would never end and had no idea how we were to move forward. But slowly something started changing. He started asking to go for drives in the car (I think someone on here had suggested this to me).

After several months he was able to go to the shops with me, walk the dogs around the block (no further!) and visit my mum again. It took him probably 18 months to move out of this phase. Now he even visited at home a neighbor's teenage boy who had had an operation - even accepting afternoon tea (usually wouldn't have eaten anything). We go shopping - and until he changed schools - was fine going into the local supermarket and shopping centre. Now that he has changed schools - I think he feels if he meets someone they will ask questions - so he will only shop further away. I knew we had stepped forward greatly when last mother's day he was able to go to the flower shop on his own (I was parked further down the street) and come back with a bunch of flowers and a big smile. I think it was the smile that really made my day : )

So whilst school is still a huge challenge for him - he did come out of that awful agoraphobia stage. So here's hoping that your daughter will do the same. But give the drives a go. We never got out on those drives - we just drove. At first I hated them ...but after awhile I used it to familiarise myself with places in my city I had never been before! If you are not in a city - just drives in the countryside is therapeutic.
It is also great that your daughter is keeping in touch with her friends. My son let that slide and he now regrets it.
Hang in there - you are doing all you can. Schooling and socialising will happen again some time. Small steps are all good. Even just going out the front door each day and back again might be something you set as a challenge. I remember talking to an adult who had had agoraphobia and she said she had to challenge herself with what seems silly tasks but helped enormously...going to front door, going out front door, going out front door and walking a few steps, going down to letterbox, walking down to street curb, walking a few steps in street etc. She said it took her weeks but her persistence paid off and finally she was able to get back into the world again.
Take care - stay in touch
LInda