I have a 15 year old son(in his GCSE year) who periodically flatly decides he won't go to school. He usually hides behind a cold or hurt leg etc but nothing that would normally stop a child who enjoyed school going.
This has been going on for over a year now and we have had the meetings with Doctor,teachers, school welfare officer and county council welfare officer who have all given us the speel about importance of school and fines etc all to no avail.

We have explored all potential problems at school but draw a blank. Home he is a normal happy teenager who plays games and goes on his computer. He won't do homework, his reasoning is that home is for relaxing!!

What do you do? You can't physically pick them up and take him to school. But I am fed up with the battles which is emotionally draining and the nauseous feeling when ringing up school to let them know he is absent as well as awaiting the phone call from the school welfare officer checking why he isn't at school.
This is going to be a long year and I'm fed up already.

Morning, how are you doing today? I am in just the same situation. Life almost feels not worth living doesn't it and nobody understands.

Hi Gethal (and Gina)

It sounds like you are really at your wits end with the whole situation - it is really tough on everyone, isn't it.
Only those going through this kind of thing really understand - as you will have found already.

I don't have a magical answer - but I do have lots of experience - many years in fact - of dealing with this and I think now I know how to survive! I can offer you advice from my perspective and you can see if any of it helps or not.
The main thing I will stress is that you need to find a way to make yourself strong, as it can be a long and bumpy journey. It might not be - this kind of thing is quite unpredictable, as you know. But generally it is small steps and noticing even the smallest of positives.
Is it possible that you can speak with a counsellor yourself? Do you have a hobby you can throw yourself into one day or afternoon a week? Can you organise 'me' time each week and so something just for yourself? You deserve it - you are doing all you can as a parent and it is very draining.

Was there anything you noticed about your son's behaviour or attitude when he was in primary school or at the beginning of high school? Were there signs of anxiety or lack of motivation or reluctance to participate in certain activities way back then? Sometimes it goes unnoticed but creeps up slowly and then bang - they hit the teenage years and it is full on for you and them.
Your son is most likely bewildered by his behaviour - which will make him defiant and difficult to deal with. The main thing I found that helped us both move forward (I also have a 15 year old son) was to embrace my son where he was and let him know that I know he couldn't help how he felt and that I was doing all I could to make life run a bit smoother. Once we accept that they perhaps have more than just the normal teenage issues and that it might be a mental health issue of any degree - then it helps them accept that they also have an issue that needs to be dealt with rather than burying their head in the sand.

Has your son be assessed by Camhs? Did they come up with a diagnosis of some kind? Is it anxiety? Anxiety is usually the main factor behind school refusal and due to the difficulties they face - that can lead to depression. My son also has refused to do homework - and I am sure it is due to overall lack of motivation to do the school work as well as a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist - so not starting and not having done it is a better excuse than having done it and got it wrong. Very irrational - but our kids tend to be quite irrational in their thinking.

Apart from the above - another couple of things that might help you face each day:
1. Try and get an email that you can use instead of the telephone to let the school know he is going to be absent (I know just how it feels to have to pick up that phone and keep your voice normal and tell them they are not coming in). I then was able to use email when my son started secondary school - and it made quite a difference. Shooting off an email was so much easier.
2. If you can afford it - try seeing a private psychologist for cognitive behaviour therapy. It does work with anxiety - but it takes maturity before many kids will take this thought changing on - and I am still waiting for my son but he has just agreed to work with the psychiatrist on this (So there is always hope!).
3. Ask your doctor about medication. My son takes Luvox 50mg. It doesn't work for everyone and I'm not even convinced it works for my son...but I think it does take the edge off. Sometimes they need the edge taking off before they can have any motivation to help make themselves better.
4. Keep in mind that education might not end up being in a straight line - change your expectations if you can. Your son needs to feel ok about himself and school before he can learn properly.

Does your son have any social issues amongst peers? Does he have friends? Does he stay in touch with them? And one question that you might wonder why I ask - but I understand it is a big issue with some kids - he isn't staying up very late or all night and playing games with friends is he? This means some kids just can't wake up in a morning - and so they become very defiant about going to school. It also means that their sleep patterns are all over the place and once that happens it takes quite some time to get it back into kilter and they tend to rebel against trying to get a sleep pattern back. It is catch 22 situation though - as sometimes the school refusal and anxiety can lead to wanting to be on the computer to 'block it all out' and thus it goes round in a circle. Anxiety can also cause sleep issues (as it does with my son who has incredible delaying tactics in going to bed and once in bed). I can't seem to get through to him that a good nights sleep is what everyone needs, even teenagers who seem to change their sleep clocks.

Anyway - hang in there- come on here any time and feel free to share your frustrations. Myself or others are always around and checking in. It is a tough time for you - and my heart goes out to you. There are also some good news stories on here that make us see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My son also is still managing to try and get to school - even after all these years. It is still a battle most days and he misses many days and has just changed schools due to a complete meltdown at the other one - but I have built up a resilience that I never had a few years ago. You will also build up strength. And don't let the authorities make you feel you are not a good parent - you are - and they just don't understand as they are not going through what you are going through on a daily basis. Make sure you keep all notes from meetings with the school etc - and as for fines and prosecution - it seems it would not stand up in court anyway - there is a case in the resource section of this website that shows how a judge in the UK threw a case of school refusal out - due to it not being the parents fault. And in all the time i have been on this forum - many have been threatened - and even almost taken further - but then it seems to have ended. Again - it seems to all be due to lack of understanding from the authorities of what school refusal and anxiety is.

Take care and we are here to listen and chat any time
Linda

My son is the same but his school is very supportive. He wont egage with any one at CAMHS. He doesn't sleep well and is resistant to every thing I suggest. I am on my own with my two boys and my other child suffers because of all the time spent on his brother. I am at the end of my tether and dont know what to do for the best.

Hi Kathy

Sorry to hear how things are at the moment. how old is your son? Mine is 15 and I'm on my own too - I think it makes our work twice as hard and especially when you have other children.
What does the school do to support your son or yourself? Is your son going to school at all or only sometimes?

Whilst most anxiety disorders involve constantly facing your fears until they break down - it is much harder with school refusal as it involves numerous things throughout the day. The unpredictable nature of school itself is the aspect that our kids find hard to face. Sometimes it helps to break the day down for awhile into manageable parts - so if your son has been away for awhile he can go back as a staggered start. With some kids this doesn't work so well - but having the flexibility of coming home before the end of the day in itself can help them get through the day.

When did this first start happening with your son? Was there any bullying or did it just happen?
If you have read any of my posts you will see I have been on the road for a very long time and I am not sure if there was anything specific I could have done to have got my son back on track earlier as it takes maturity for them to accept they have an anxiety problem/disorder and then to try and manage it.

The program I mentioned in another post that was on the Australian SBS Insight Program is very positive about the road forward. If you get a chance - see if you can watch it on-line or even via YouTube.

Also - all small steps are good. It is a process of small steps and lots of praise and trying to get your son to face other fears outside of school to gain some confidence and self esteem. Does he have friends? Can he engage with these outside of school? If not - does he have any friends on-line? My son went through a bad patch and his on-line friends actually were there for him during that time even though I initially was very frustrated that he was on the computer a lot.

Hang in there - you are doing all you can at the moment. Embrace your son where he is now - he can't help how he feels and is probably feeling awful about everything that seems out of his control. Not only do they have the teenage issues floating about but they have the anxiety to deal with. Acceptance on your part and their part is a step forward in itself.
Depending on how old your son is - it is then a maturity process that helps them to move forward. Things like cognitive behaviour therapy, mindfulness (living in the moment) all help and sometimes you have to learn about these things yourself and guide your son. It is a really frustrating time - and my heart goes out to you - but we have some good stories on the forum of those who have made it out the other side of school and are doing ok. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Document everything as you go - it really helps at meetings. Do things for yourself so you can remain strong. Take up a hobby or meet with friends regularly. And come on here any time - there is always someone here to help or to listen or to pour their own hear out. We all understand on here and it was this forum that saved me from despair several years ago.
Take care and stay in touch - let us know how the school is dealing with it -
Linda

Hi Linda - Tried to send you an e-mail - just wondered if you'd received it?

Regards