Hi everyone

How are your sons/daughters going?
Same old story here - new school - has not attended for two days. Wants to go back to old school - old school not so keen!! And they now tell us that the enrolment forms are all in - didn't tell us this despite enquiry. So kind of feel like my son is in limbo - having not chosen electives for next year at either school and not wanting to be where he is - but might not be able to go back to where he was (despite it being a public school). I am sure they have to take him back - but as they are a sought after school by people outside the area - then they will do all they can to try and keep us away.

My son has matured a lot but still seems unable to work on his anxiety himself - he just goes into a heap when it hits and is unable to see his way out. We have a good talk afterwards and seem to move forward - only to have it all happen again. His dad doesn't understand - so I end up not telling him about recent absences - which piles on the guilt - and so I find the same old emotions paying a visit each week. I am sure we have come a long way - but it is hard to see sometimes. My son is still hanging in there trying to get to school mostly - but each day is a struggle.

We don't seem to have as many visitors to the Forum lately - I would love to think this is because things are going so well for everyone or that the help so vitally needed out there has finally arrived - but I somehow doubt that is the case. I hope those of you searching for answers stumble on this site and can know you are not alone and that everyone on here does understand how hard things can be.
Take care
Linda

Hi Linda

I really feel for you - it really has been a long road for you. You do need to keep recognising how far you and your Son have come - perhaps write this down somewhere, to keep reminding both of you. You really must do what you feel is right - you are the expert. I also really hope that your friends and family are helping you as much as possible - though you certainly find out who your friends are in all of this.

You have been so strong and have constantly supported many people on this forum.

We are still in a similar situation with our 14 year old girl - no nearer going to school, but have identified many of the triggers and the underlying cause - it has been almost a year - and though we have a long way to go, I have learnt the following (though this may be different for others):

Pressure does not help.
My girl will get better, when she gets better.
The only thing that really matters is that she makes a full recovery.
It is good to just not even talk about this, some days.
Celebrate the positives, however small.
Not everyone understands and you can't expect everyone too.

Having said all that - my girl is now becoming very fed-up and she says she just can't bear this any longer and that it's such hard work. She is seeing friends and we have found a place for her to undertake some school work, but it is so hard.

Anyway, really hope things improve for you - it is funny how your expectations alter, along with the goal-posts.

Take care.

Regards.

Sharry x

Hi Sharry

Thanks so much for your reply. Its nice to share with someone who understands - and thanks for your kind words.
I think your little list of what doesn't work is spot on. And in the end, we become the experts, don't we!

I am currently reading a book by John Arden about how to rewire your brain. Although I feel I know a lot of what he is talking about and have tried it with my son - there are also some things in there that I think will really be the answer....if my son is willing to work with these ideas.

The idea of using Cognitive Behaviour therapy to help anxiety has always been a bit vague to me - I have never found specific things that you should do or how as a parent to help your child to re think their thoughts.
But - rewiring - your brain - is something my son is catching onto better. He understands that he has to re-wire his brain and he understands there are many steps towards this. This includes changing thought patterns, but it also means breaking habits, recognising what you are doing such as avoidance that is actually not beneficial long term, getting a good nights sleep, eating three meals a day, getting the right nutrition (eg. magnesium helps and so supplements might need to be included with an all round diet) and so forth. So it is a 'whole' approach rather than just 'changing your thought patterns' which my son always greeted with ' I can't'.

I have also just ordered a book Dr Arden has also written for practitioners in how to help children and adolescents (the one I am currently reading is a bit more general). As we have to help our children on a daily basis - then we do need to know what the practitioners/psychologists know.
This 're -wiring' through neuroplasticity is a fairly new thing - and has only been publicised during my son's life time. When we first started this road - there was no talk of such thing. It gives us all more hope.
He explains in his book that changing something takes not only to make the change until it becomes effortless but to then keep practising it - so that you don't forget and go backwards. It includes the 'challenges' that we have been told we need or kids to do to break down their anxiety barriers but it talks more along the lines that we have all been advocating and that is 'small steps'.

My son went off on an excursion today : )
He started to get nervous last night - and this morning told me he just couldn't go. I just kept saying ' you can do it - brush your teeth - put your shoes on etc' and kept him going through the steps to get ready and tried to keep him focused. In the car he still said he couldn't do it. I started to try and focus his attention on the moment - commenting on things we saw along the way and asking him questions in regard to these - to try and keep bringing him back to the moment and not keep worrying ahead. Finally when we got to the station and he saw some other kids - he just got out of the car and went off. I am very very proud of him. He didn't get into a panic attack this morning. I don't suppose he knew how he prevented this - but I know constantly distracting him by bringing him back to the present moment really helped. I find any talk about 'don't worry - this won't happen or this will happen etc' makes him just focus on the event too much - so best to not focus on it at all!!

Sharry - I am so sorry your daughter is still not going to school. It must be so hard on you - I really feel for you.
It is good she has friends though - that is a fantastic thing and something she can be proud of. My son these days struggles to keep friends. It wasn't so bad when he skipped school when he was younger - he still seemed to have good friends. But at high school it is different - and being absent really does mean the friends move on.
Your daughter may find with maturity she is able to keep moving forward - but her frustrations must be high. They feel bad when they know they are not doing what everyone else is doing . So hard for their self esteem - isn't it.
Take care and let us know how your daughter goes when she starts doing some school work (is this via tutors or via somewhere else?). And don't forget to do something for yourself today - you are a great mum and doing all you can : )
Linda xx
Sorry for such a long post!

Linda - I have just sent you an e-mail xx

Have just sent a long (ish ) reply that was deleted due to the filter. Won't say the word in case that's a trigger in itself but tinned meat and Monty Python song should give you the gist. How can I avoid this? It happens almost every time I try to post now.

Thanks SHarry - will reply very soon : )

And Leah - I don't know what is happening - have asked Simon if he can help and see what the problem is.
I wonder if others are having the same problem which is why we seem to have very few people on here at the moment.
Hopefully it will be sorted out and you can resume posting - so sorry you had sent a long one and it got deleted.

Take care
Linda

Linda, I'm very interested in the Arden book and have ordered a copy to look at for my son. He's not really got on with CBT with CAMHS - or at least they think it's pointless with him so it has never really been trialed for long.

So far, life is much better in his new school but his attendance is running at just over 60% so I've been in to a meeting about him. Fortunately it was a supportive one and was about ensuring he keeps up with his courses and gets the grades he should. There was some discussion of his attendance but after I produced a list of all the help we'd had or (mostly) been refused, it was clear that it wasn't lack of effort from him or interest from me that had lead to his current situation.

My son is in a slightly different position from some of the SR children I've read about on here in that he's being diagnosed with chronic pain syndrome. However, it became clear when he went to his first secondary school that stress and anxiety about school ( and coping with moving around there) were fueling the pain. It became intolerable at his last school and even though he's much improved now, he's still struggling with getting in and has only managed one full week (since April).

This idea of re-wiring the brain looks interesting as it looks more scientific than CBT. To be honest, I didn't get on with CBT myself when I had some after having post natal depression. I can do it if I'm not depressed but my depressed brain doesn't get past the negative thoughts and onto the positive ones. It didn't help that I was given a course book which had dodgy examples where common sense would indicate that the positive view wasn't always the right one either - I think there is such as thing as over-optimism especially when looking at suitable paid employment.

Anyway, I am interested to see if the brain re-wiring works. I expect it will take a lot of work though as old habits/thoughts are well established. Even if my son doesn't take to it I am hoping it will be useful for me.

Hi Leah

I do hope the Arden books is useful. I read one of his that kind of went over things I already knew - but I am now reading the one aimed at the professionals about rewiring adolescents brains and although an lot of information - it is so far proving interesting and at least gives me great hope as it does sound like an awful lot can be done that psychologists just never cover. Talking about things over and over actually reinforces the issues. And I find they mention CBT but they kind of never get there as far as I am concerned- they only touch round the edges. Also perhaps you are right CBT is not quite the answer and it needs a more wholistic re wiring approach. It also helps us to understand how the brain works and I always said to my son it was things misfiring in his brain and creating a deep groove in the wrong spot. It is like a record getting stuck and then having to jump it out with some action.

I do hope your son starts to benefit from something. We go on and on with these things, don't we...weeks pass, years pass...and we see our poor children just wallowing around in the same rut. I think as parents we do end up having to the be therapists for our own children. They need help every day - not just once a week from a professional.
Hope things improve even if just small at your end
Take care
Linda xx

Hi Sharry and Leah and all

I meant to add to my last post that we have at least moved on in regard to decision to move back to old school or not.
We had quite an awful meeting at the old school - they really just don't get mental health. They were frowning and annoyed when we arrived (my son and I) and they then seemed to attack both of us. I was basically accused of being an over-interfering mother! I should evidently not be telling them that my son was in limbo, that he needs to be in Year 10 not 9. They said he would have to repeat Year 9 if he came back. Any one of you would know - that for SR kids - repeating a year level would be the total end of schooling. And usually they are bright enough to cope with missed school....they just have to catch up and probably never reach their full potential during school years ....but luckily it means they can catch up!! They also told me that the reason they had split my son from his two friends and put him in a class where he knew no one was that they decided the three boys did not work well together and my son had become too reliant on them (the friends)!!!!!! Considering how much school my son missed....that is hardly the case.
How insane is that thinking. A child with an anxiety disorder is the one separated from three boys - and put into a class where he knows absolutely no one....and that is called good thinking and decision making!

They just don't get it. We have had really big media campaigns here in the last couple of weeks to promote understanding of mental health. One would hope that it gets through to the general public but it is quite obvious that schools really do need to lift their game and understand mental health and adolescents. IF they don't start understanding it at that young level - then these very same children will grow to be adults with continuing mental health issues. It is really quite a disgrace.

During the meeting I felt about 1 inch high and my son later said he felt like crying. I also felt I couldn't say too much as I didn't want to create a scene or an argument in front of my son. They were just totally negative about his past at the school and how he 'hadn't' dealt with it (treating it like a behaviour issue). They could have said ' we would love to have you back but we are really full (which they are) and we think you might actually thrive at a smaller school. Instead of running us down like that. Anyway - we felt so awful - that of course my son missed that day at school!!!
I was very proud of him for getting up and going to school the next day. I then also felt relieved that he was no longer in limbo. So for us it kind of worked in a strange kind of way.

We visited the psychiatrist yesterday and she was quite horrified at their attitude and agreed that a lot of schools just do not understand. She also gave us some tips on how to deal with my ex and his constant ringing, texting etc. She said we needed to take control and not feel overwhelmed by his obvious concern (but over emphasised). She wanted my son to say something like 'I know you are concerned - thanks - but I am working on it' or 'Thanks for caring but I need to work this out myself.' It will be quite a bit of work. As if I haven't got enough to deal with each day!!!
Anyway - hopefully my son will settle a bit more at the new school - but it will still be those few days where he can't make it. The psychiatrist also asked my son if he thought mum 'got it'. My son interestingly said - mostly but sometimes she just doesn't and she goes on and gets angry and yells. The psychiatrist suggested my son tell me directly that I had 'flipped my lid' so to speak and that i needed to calm down and then think things through.
To me - if I can control the 'guilt' of him not going to school (That comes from the ex, the general feeling of others etc) then I will deal much better on a daily basis. I was, I thought, so much calmer these days - but I guess just lately - I have certainly felt myself in anger as the frustrating cycle goes round and round. We all do it!! I am now focusing on mindfulness again and perhaps need to 'rewire' my own brain somewhat. I have got so used to feeling angry when morning comes and my son just won't get up or he gets up - gets his uniform on then says ' Mum...just listen...' and I knew that means he isn't going. I have to learnt to react differently....gosh - we never knew when we had kids we'd be doing a daily psych run with our own minds, let alone our kids!! Never a dull moment on this journey, hey!
Hope you are all managing your own daily stress. Mindfulness is good....and distraction.....and a cup of tea.....
Take care...
Linda xx
PS Another long post...sorry!!

Linda, don't let the old school get you or your son down. I ended up with what was really a breakdown in communication/trust at my son's old school. I appreciate that he was a difficult case to deal with but in so many ways they made things worse although if I went back to discuss it now I'm sure they'd feel they bent over backwards to help and that my son and I were just being unreasonable. I think it's this total mismatch that leads to schools coming over as indifferent or aggressive. Certainly, in the UK, schools have so many hoops to jump through that anything that gets the figures looking right is acceptable even if it's not the best path for individual children. It's hard to step outside of the box, and quite risky so most schools don't do it. So from their point of view they do all the things they think they are supposed to do and therefore if it doesn't work it must be the SR child's fault and/or their parent's. The school becomes defensive (and sometimes aggressive to cover this) rather than supportive. So I think in the case of your son's old school they were more keen on establishing that they'd done the "right things" rather than looking at how your son could move onto another school in a positive way.

It's interesting what the psychiatrist said about calming down as the parent dealing with this. I was originally advised by a team including a psychiatrist and psychologist to keep the pressure on in quite a punitive, heavy way. But they were only seeing him as a one off prior to him being referred to local services (who promptly said they couldn't help). I know putting pressure on my son can make him much worse. But I also know he needs to push himself more to get on top of his situation. So what do I do if he appears not to be pushing himself and being at risk of not getting the qualifications he needs? Today, I'm trying to get him in a bit later as he had free periods this morning so could go in for the afternoon and keep up. Will be trying that sometime soon as he'll need to get up and get mobile soon if he's a chance of getting in at all.