Hi, I'm desperately looking for some help/advice. I have a 12 year old daughter who is currently school refusing.
This started at the beginning of the year. She had been bullied in primary school but initially appeared to be enjoying secondary. In January she started complaining of feeling constantly nauseous. I would send her into school, she would spend the morning complaint at student services she didn't feel well they would eventually send her home. The doctor believed it was hormonal and put her on the pill. The doctor also did a CAMHS referral on the advice school gave me as my daughter was also displaying low mood. We then spent most of the easter term with her being 'educated off site' as she said she didn't feel well enough to be in school. School were being as helpful as possible, they registered her as being educated off site so that her attendance did not fall into the level where I would get fined. During the summer term things improved slightly and she would be in school, all day, at least 3 times a week.
September arrived and my daughter managed the first 4 full days. Then the phone calls to come and collect her started. I met with her year tutor, explained that I was taking a 'tough love ' approach and that I wanted her in school. This turned out to be my worst move.The home became a constant battle ground. I am a single parent and I also have a son with additional learning needs. Things very quickly got so bad, I didn't want to get up in the morning. My daughter obviously wasn't coping and neither was I.
Thankfully my daughters initial CAMHS appointment came through. The locum clinical psychologist concluded my daughter needed cbt and talking therapy for her social anxiety and low self esteem. However when I asked about what I should do about school she told me I should be 'negotiating' This had not helped in the past but that was all she would say on the subject.
Luckily I had my son's disability team around the family meeting the next day. I had mentioned this to the psychologist and she amazingly had a copy of her report to my family worker over night. My daughters school had already been invited to this meeting as I had been crying down the phone to my son's worker the previous week at the end of my tether.
At the meeting my daughters school agreed to her having the rest of the week off to bring down anxiety levels and that she needed to come into school, mornings only but could sit in the isolation room.
My daughter has since only been attending (when I can get her there) for 1 hour a day. She sits in the isolation room with work that I have to provide (as school don't have provision to arrange this???). My daughter wants to be home schooled, she thinks this would be the answer. She likes learning but hates being around people. She has very few friends, if any.
I do not have the finances to put her through her exams in a few years and don't feel home schooling is the answer. Sorry for the long message butI don't know where to turn next.

I was hoping that someone would respond to this before now as your message filled me with gloom and I did not think I would be able to give you the response you deserve. How I feel for you.

Compared to some, you do seem to have a school that is trying to be supportive - though only up to a point. Why they are not supplying homework, I do not understand. You also seemed to get CAMHS support at an earlier stage than many do. However, this leaves me wondering if your daughter is giving greater cause for concern?

Being told you should be 'negotiating' school attendance is an interesting development. Assuming this means negotiating with you daughter, rather than the school, I would agree! Actually, I would agree if this means negotiating with the school as well.

A trend I have noticed - including my own daughter - is that our children feel that they have no control over their lives, and supplying options within an acceptable range is one way of empowering them and at the same time making the point that education (and integration with her peers) is important.

Of course there are children and young people with learning difficulties, but most we hear about on this site do seem to be able to make good progress educationally so long as there is some form of learning/teaching process in place. Whether it is mornings only, or one day a week, or partial home education, they do seem, as a generalisation, to come out the other end.

After several years of struggling, we resorted to an expensive boarding school (helped by a bursary). I later learnt that she had spent days in bed hiding under her duvet! And yet, she is now in the final stages of a degree course.

A few administrative points..
Are you keeping a diary, or record of what is happening? Who has said what to whom? Promises made? It is worth doing before it all becomes a blur and you are unable to prove that you have done what you should have done.
Always ask at a meeting who is taking the minutes, and take notes yourself. If you do not receive a copy, share yours pointing out actions 'they' have agreed to do.
Put yourself in control; don't let 'them' get to you.

One last point - your son and daughter both need you. Do make a point of looking after yourself.

Simon

Hi Simon, I have tried to reply to thank you for your response twice but the system tells me my message contains spam??? and deletes it. So I've kept this short just to say "thanks".

I wonder what key words are being rejected? how very boring.
I will try to resolve the problem.

Claire, can you help?

The service provider is asking for a copy of what you wrote. Of course, it has been deleted!!!

But could you type out something similar in Notepad or similar, keep that copy and then copy it into the Forum again and see what happens. If that too is rejected, then forward the saved copy to me using the link below?

I would really appreciate your help in this.

Simon

Hi, Simon,

This has happened to me on several occasions and I gave up posting for a while because I couldn't work out what was causing it. I've managed to post since but sometimes I still get the filter deleting my posts.

Leah, Could you please try to post another message and let me have a copy - using instructions I left above?

I have just been reading that ISPs have been tightening their child protection filters. I wonder if that is what is happening?

Thank you,

Simon

Oh Claire I really feel for you, as like Simon we travelled down this road several years ago so we understand. The advise Simon gave is spot on as always, make sure you keep a diary.

I never de-registered my son from his school, even though they were paying for a part time teacher to teach him at home ( this took forever to sort ) so when it came to the exams they paid.

You MUST take care of yourself, as the situation can become overwhelming - I try not to remember those times, but you will be ok in the end I promise.

My son is now 18, and although he still struggles with anxiety it is so much better, and he realises that he has to manage his emotions himself as much as he can.

Keep on the site, you will find it an enormous help.

(Hi Simon hope you guys are ok)

Take care

Sarah xx

Thank you, Sarah. My daughter lodges away from home, but I had to pick up a doctor's note for her explaining her anxiety problems, so she is obviously still suffering, though not sharing with us to the same extent.

But she is planning her graduation, so progress is being made.

I am sure that as your son feels more able to cope on his own, his self-belief will grow and thus he will feel more in control and you will be able to find time for yourself. You deserve it!

Simon

Hi Claire,
had a post typed up and lost it

sorry to hear that your daughter is suffering from anxiety and SR.

i'm disappointed the school don't give her work to keep her up to date with her peers. talk to them again. if she's willing to come in, for even an hour which is great, they should be encouraging her.

keep a record of everyone you speak to.
if she really insists on homeschooling, it won't be admitting defeat.

sometimes it helps to take the pressure off. plus she sounds like she's willing to study so she's wouldn't fall behind. also if you go down that route, you could look up hime study groups in your area. it would be a great way for your daughter to make contact with other kids who are homeschooling for a variety of reasons.

good luck and take care.

Virginia

Hi Claire

So sorry to hear how things are. I am usually on the forum seeing who needs some extra loving care - but have been quite distracted myself - although not all bad - in fact - some good - but come to that later.

I really feel for you and your daughter. It must be so tough being a sole Parent (I am one too) with two children who have individual needs. As Simon and the others have said - you really do need to find something that can help you keep afloat. It might be a hobby you haven;t done for awhile - or a regular coffee with friends - or a massage or counselling just for yourself and how to manage. It is very draining and I can hear your pain and know so well how that feels.
I have thrown myself into my art and it is my life saviour - that and this forum : )

The school should really be giving your child work and if you feel strong enough - I'd question them or seek out an individual teacher who you think understands and question them. My son's last school was like that - and their policy was that they didn't want to give him work because then he'd stay home and do the work instead of coming to school. IT was quite screwed up thinking - and did not make for a very smooth road at the time and made my son fall further behind. I thought perhaps all schools were becoming like this - but I have since discovered, since my son changed schools - that it is individual schools and individual coordinators and teachers that seem to make this up.
So push them to provide work. You have enough on your plate without providing work at this stage.
And like me - I can see that homeschooling for you is not really a choice is your daughter is finding the socialising very difficult. She does need to socialise and get out of the house.

I was just watching a repeat program on our TV here in Australia - Insight - on SBS (you can watch it on YouTube).
Insight Program on Anxiety on the 25th November. It is a repeat from 2011. I watched it back then but was a bit too overwhelmed by everything to take things on board. Three years later - seeing it again - it makes good sense and is very optimistic about treating anxiety disorders. The main thing is to find someone - or as I seem to be doing - work it our yourself - find practical strategies to slowly face the fear (which you are doing with the hourly sessions at school) as well as challenge and change the negative thoughts. I found when we met with psychologists - they would all say - yes we do Cognitive Behaviour therapy but then go on and on about how my son felt and ended up focusing on the negatives.
I have read widely (many resources are on this site) and you can start to make a shift in your child's thinking over time. It is a very slow road - but it does move forward. As your daughter doesn't just have school refusal but is hiding at home by the sound of it - then you might like to slowly look at introducing (with her input) some very small steps to face the world. It might be to walk round the block with you and back again. Or it might be to go with you to the shops but stay in the car- and then next time go to the shops and go in for 2 mins only - and then the next time for longer etc.
Exposure does help.

Sorry if I am raving on here- but I'm kind of just sharing some of the journey I have been on.
If your daughter can hang in there - she might find she can tolerate more and more of school. Negotiation is good.
I have been able to say to my son 'ok - so you can't face all the excursions (they had about 5 in 5 weeks) so how about we pick and choose those that you could give a go.' He managed 3 - which was pretty good going really.
He hasn't managed to go on the school camp - and so no issue has been made of this - it is just too much of a challenge at this stage. The good thing that I saw from my son with his attempt to go on these excursions was his exposure to using public transport - which he had not done before. This then lead to a couple of interesting situations which in themselves turned out positive. He skipped school twice - and caught the train home!! Instead of getting cross about walking out of the school (he hadn't even gone to one class) I focused on the fact that he caught a train. I then did try and set up the situation with him that if he had a panic attack again - he would need to stay within the school somewhere and so we talked about where he might be able to go and who to. Haven't put that into practise yet - but it seems to me that it is a constant series of negotiations and a constant series of exposures and eventually you can see those steps forward.

Hang in there Claire - and let us know how things are going. Simon is right about documenting everything - absolutely vital when meetings are held. And don't let them make you feel you are to blame - or that they have all the answers. They don't - and in many cases - you know more about what your daughter is going through than they ever will. Also read up as much as you can about anxiety and treatments.

There is an on-line help service for anxiety via the St Vincents Hospital in Sydney (they feature on the Insight program I mentioned earlier).
http://www.gpcare.org/index.php/free-online-treatment-manuals

For Simon and Sarah - great to hear from you Sarah : )
You son/daughter might benefit from having a go at the on-line program that is run to help anxiety through the St Vincents (Sydney) anxiety clinic. I think you have to be 18 years and older - but I haven't checked that more recently.
https://thiswayup.org.au/clinic/

Take care everyone. Oh - and I don't seem to have any problems posting. perhaps it is what technology tool you are using? Perhaps it is what type of computer? Or perhaps it is just in the UK? I find the thing you have to fill out with the numbers and letters frustrating as it doesn't always accept what I have typed in first time round. But what is the filter that seems to be deleting postings?
Linda xx