Ooh where to start! My 14 year old daughter has not attended school since the beginning of September, this follows years of daily battles, vague illnesses and a very poor attendance record. We are working with the school as much as we can and she gets some work home. We have so far attended 2 solution focus meetings, both of which my daughter refused to attend. She has also refused to attend gp appointments and paediatrician appointments. The solutions meetings have been helpful in getting help with getting work home from school and putting us in touch with a child support worker. They have also referred my daughter to a family therapist. The problem is, the support worker has seen my daughter twice and both times just threatened her with hearings and residential school. She is not a truant, she says she is unable to go to school but can't give a reason. I feel we need input from the therapist but we can't seem to chase that up at all. She is adamant that nothing had happened in school, she wasn't bullied, had no problems with the work or the teachers, despite her absences she was in national 4/5 classes this year and doing well. I just don't know what happened. She was given an ultimatum by the support worker yesterday, attend for a few hours at the supported learning base or at the behavioural support base or face being taken to a hearing and taken away by from us by the police! I was gobsmacked! How is this support? No one is trying to understand what is happening with her. Yes she is being stubborn and refusing but it obviously stems from somewhere. I feel totally let down and we have no one to get advice or support from ourselves in what is a very stressful and difficult time, especially as I'm 6 months pregnant. Seriously considering taking her out of the system all together. Am I wrong to be appalled by this? Is this the norm?

Hi Donna

Sorry to hear what you are going through - it is just awful for you. Sadly anxiety disorders/conditions and mental health amongst teenagers seems to be very much misunderstood. You are entitled to be appalled because this is just horrible what they are suggesting and is of absolutely no use at all to your daughter. Threatening her is not going to make one ounce of difference and is going to just make her close more within herself.

Your story is familiar - we seem go have to face this kind of 'trial' when it is obvious to us as parents that something is very much wrong with our child. Does this mean that your daughter has not actually been assessed by camhs yet?
It is very difficult if your daughter won't go to appointments. My son sometimes refused to go to appointments and this was mostly when he was just bewildered by how he felt and thought everyone was against him. Once he accepted that he had an anxiety disorder and once he saw that I totally accepted him for where he was - then he was able to attend sessions. Maturity also played a role -and still continues to elude us sometimes. I know how hard it is to embrace our own child where they are when the authorities are on our backs making us feel like we are also to blame.
You are not to blame and nor is your daughter. This is the nature of anxiety - it does not have to be specific.
My son described it as just feeling overwhelmed and the need to escape.

It is more common than schools realise or want to accept. Read up as much as you can - there are resources on this website you can go through - and become the expert. You then will feel more able to push it all back on the authorities and try and get them to do something positive rather than negative. Telling a child with anxiety that 'if you don't go to school then blah blah will happen....' no matter what it is - just makes them feel awful and guilty and unable to go.
Guilt is a terrible way to expect a child to climb out of this and they should know better than to put this onto her.

There is also a link in the resource section on this website that shows how a judge threw a whole school refusal case out of court. As far as I know - no child or parent has been persecuted for school refusal in the UK. As you say - it is not truancy - and this needs pointing out big time. But it often falls on deaf ears because it is too hard for them to know how to deal with it.

Cognitive behaviour and mindfulness are helpful. I have yet to find a psychologist or psychiatrist who has got down to the practical side of this though - so I have had to become and expert myself and just each day work on my son to question his thoughts. It is too late when they are in a total meltdown - but after they come out of it - it is worth talking them through the irrational thoughts calmly. Sometimes writing down the thought and what a positive thought might look like in its place helps. Slowly facing the fear is always recommended but in the case of school refusal - this can be so many things that it is impossible to know where to start. I found working on my son's self esteem overall was helpful. Making sure he kept making attempts to get out of the house - socialise - even if just with family.
Does your daughter have friends? Is she keeping in touch with them? That is also important but if she doesn't seem to have friends then just socialising with your friends is helpful.
Schools are very unpredictable - they have unknown expectations each day, they can be noisy, they can be quite hectic for someone facing anxiety - so it is the daily process of getting through that which becomes too much. It is therefore often the 'getting to school' that becomes the issue because getting there reminds them of how they 'might' feel.
Once they are there they often just bump along with the day and can have either a good or a bad day - but the slightest thing can send them in a downhill spiral as you will have seen.

Simon (who set up this site) always reminds everyone to document everything. You will need this for any meetings you go to . And go with folder and pen in hand and dress up so you look like you are in control. It must be so hard when you are pregnant as well! You could do without all this!!

Some kids also just never fit the school system. There are parents on this forum who have withdrawn their children and the child has survived much better and come out the other end. You are entitled to some tutoring - your child is entitled to an education no matter what - and if you have done all you can to get your child to school - then the education deparrtment still has to support you. It depends on whether you feel you can home school?
For me it wasn't really a choice - so I have done all I can to try and keep my son going to school. My ex husband has had to take him to school on many mornings as I just couldn't get him there - and also there are man days missed. We have also just changed schools to a smaller school and this is helping overall as the teachers appear more helpful and understanding of his condition.
There is also medication. I am in two minds if this works. My son is on medication - but it wasn't a magic pill and I'm not convinced it helped but sometimes it takes the edge off the anxiety and stops the depression that can come hand in hand with the anxiety.

Sorry I am probably not giving you the answers you hope for - it is a long road but your daughter needs lots of hugs and understanding and letting her know you are doing all you can to help her get better and that she will get better.
I've just bought a workbook called ' Anxiety, the workbook for teens' by Lisa M. Schab (Instant help books: www.newharbinger.com). My son is kind of past this stage so doesn't want to use the workbook but I think it is good to get someone in the first throws of the anxiety to work through. If you can get a hold of something like this and work through it with your daughter, she might start to see there are ways forward. She will have to find the tools and strategies eventually to manage her anxiety - but at this stage she is going to be totally reliant on others to help.

Hang in there - you are doing all you can. See if you can get a diagnosis from somewhere - remind your daughter that this might mean the authorities get off her back about threats etc. Make sure she knows you will be in the sessions with her. Sorry about my long post - you are not alone - there are lots on here who know just how you are feeling. Take care and come on here any time - there are lots who can help with their own experience.
Linda