My son is 11 years old, 12 in 1 1/2 months. He has always had a hard time going to school, starting with headstart. The last year and a half have been awful. His last day in school was October 1 and only attended a total of 5 days since school started. I have been threatened and pressured to force him to go, to take meds, attend therapy, etc. None of this helps, he refuses everything. There is much more to be said,but I'm just going to cut to the chase. I don't agree with the way the "professionals" say things should be done. Why is it that if someone is different or has certain problems, they need to be labeled. I agree that my son may have some anxiety, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, but that doesnt make him wrong. Who says we have to physically go to school to get an education (if home schooling is available)? Who says we have to be social 24/7, that there is something wrong with us if we prefer to be alone most of the time? Why is it a disorder if our sleep/wake cycle is different than society's norm? Why do we have to be labeled because we are different? I apologize for ranting and rambling, I have held this in for so long. I feel like no one understands. I came across an article titled Jenn Ashworth: Why I Refused To Go To School. I recommend reading it, very inciteful. It also validates my feelings that my son will be ok, he is OK. When he is ready to step into the world he will. In the meantime he can get his education from home, it's not wrong or unhealthy to not want to leave the house; if that is what someone chooses to do. When he's ready to go out, he will. When he wants to be around other people, he will. If it's extremely stressful for a person to do something they don't want to do (or are not ready to do), why force them? Because society says so? Because they're not "normal"? Simple question: If your child didn't know how to swim, and wasn't ready to learn, would you throw him/her into the deep end and force him/her to swim; just because it's "normal" for a person to know how to swim?

Again I apologize for ranting, and I truly hope that I didn't offend anyone. If I did I truly, deeply apologize. I just feel so alone in this, like the whole world is against us.

To anyone who is dealing with school refusal, no matter how you feel about it, I wish everyone of you the best of luck. Hang in there and don't lose hope. Continue to love, support, and guide your children unconditionally.

Hi Jill
first of all you are not alone.

and rant away. ober the years i personally, have ranted everywhere and anywhere, and this site is a great place for ranting. we understand.

professionals love everyone to fit the mould, imho. those that don't tend to frighten them in my experience.

some professionals are great, very understanding and helpful, but finding them is the thing.

in the meantime, homeschooling is the way to go if you and your son are happy with that.
find out what official things need to be don and if you're going down that route then the sooner decisions are made, the easier life gets.

i found that when we decided to homeschool here, my daughter btw, the pressure and worries suddenly stopped.
the decisions started to rest with us and life became bearable.

i understand what you mean about your son having a different sleep/wake schedule to others. that happens with kids with SR a lot. if you're happy with that then fine. if you'd prefer that he slept at night/ awake in day, then work with him to get it that way.

when and if he wants to socialise will come. it's amazing the changes that occur as they get older and feel more in charge of their lives.

keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

and remember we're here for you.

regards

Virginia

Jill, I agree that school isn't for everyone. And some secondary schools are much more accommodating of difference than others.

I have been in touch with parents on other sites who have said that moving to home education was the best thing they could have done and that their children have thrived. However, you won't get school staff recommending this route. From your post it sounds as though your son is still registered at a school. Are you thinking of making a formal choice of home education? Doing this gave us a much needed breathing space when my husband was seriously and then terminally ill. It was such a relief not to have to be in "fighting mode" all the time, which is how I felt when my son was trying to keep going at his first secondary school. To clarify, I wasn't fighting with my son but felt like I had to fend off all the people involved in our situation who believed that it could all be sorted out if only I did (a) or (b) or (c) or whatever it was that they recommended.

In our case my son didn't really get on with home education in the long run so he's now at a more supportive school.

I hope you find the best solution for your son.

Hi Jill

I agree with what you have said - and understand where you are coming from completely. I also agree with what Virginia and Leah have said.
I have also often ranted on here - and get fed up with the way the education system works to try and mould everyone into the same shape.

It sounds like home schooling is something you can pursue? For us it wasn't really an option as I felt he would not have enough communication with others - being an only child in a single parent household. But perhaps I am wrong - and it would have been better - it is so hard to know - you just have to go with your gut feeling.
For us it has been a very long road since he was six - now 15. He has managed to keep trying to attend school - but it hasn't got better. It is always a struggle. It all came to a head last year when he flat out refused to ever attend the high school he was at again. He is now at a smaller high school who are much more supportive of the situation and accept differences more - and don't treat me as if I am a neurotic parent! But my son is still not happy - and misses the fact that at least at the other school he 'knew' a number of other students. He feels very isolated and lonely at this new school but it is early days yet (only having done one term last school year). So it is like starting again.
For us it is the first full week of school - he didn't make it today....fingers are crossed for the rest of the week.

It is very hard for any of us to know if our decisions are the right ones - but as I said - go with your gut feeling and do some research into home schooling. It may just be the thing your son needs.
With maturity can come some self insight into how to deal with their anxiety - so even though we are not wanting them to be like other kids - there is a benefit in being able to socialise with their peers but if they can't socialise with their peers then as long as they socialise with other age groups - I am sure they will be fine. My son gets along really well with older people - adults - elderly etc. So if you can find some interaction for your son - it will help him long term. Often there are nearby groups that meet for home schooling - so this all helps too. Whilst staying at home is fine - it can also be more isolating. If your son has made friends on-line then this can be a replacement until he feels able to socialise more in real life. My son had on-line friends during a particularly difficult time a year or so ago. He discovered that some of them also had anxiety - so they fully understood how he felt. I didn't expect them to talk about such things -a s it was through games they had connected - but seems that they will - if they think someone will listen and understand.

Don't let anyone make you feel you are not doing the right thing. Unless they have a child with School Refusal themselves- then they can never really know what is best or understand. You know your son best - and you can try different things if one thing doesn't work. Make sure you also take time out for yourself so that gain the strength needed. And everyone on here is very understanding and have helped me over the years to stay sane!!

Take care - and let us know what you decide.
Linda