Hi Louise and anyone else out there...

Your post is so many years ago but I have twin girls 11 years old - almost 12 and am going through similar to what you have been. It all started last year and there was a bully at school and friendship groups broke down and when they stayed home because they were upset they realised it was much more fun with each other than dealing with the stresses of school. The school did nothing to help and my daughters became more and more isolated at school. So they said (with me) fresh start new school this year. Another local public school. This school has been fantastic but my 2 daughters are still refusing on some days and I feel the more they don't go the harder it gets. Seems like it's all about fear of what might happen. School counsellor is great. Teachers and principal are supportive. Also have child psychologist. But any tips on someone who's been there done that would be great. I wonder whether agreeing to a half day (early pick up) is just letting my daughters be in control (rather than me) or whether half day is better than none. I am a single parent (widow) and work at home but finding it increasingly hard to know what to do. Tough love or gentle and soft? Don't want to create anxiety - and can't just pick them up and put them in the car. Any help, guidance, advice appreciated. (We are in Australia by the way) Thanks...

hi Susan

I am also in Australia - Victoria. Are your daughters in Grade 6 this year?
It is hard to know what advice to offer sometimes as each family has an individual story - but the common thread is us as parents not quite knowing how to get them to stay at school!
As far as picking up early or not - I am not sure - as I have done both - picked up and not picked up - and my gut feeling is that too much picking up early doesn't help in the long run. They need to experience as much exposure to school as possible if they are to continue.

Having said that - my son sent me a text at lunch time today asking to be picked up - I pretended I didn't get it until much later - and so picked him up at the end of the school day. He was not happy - but he had made it through another day and so deep down I could see he was also kind of glad. He is exhausted, however, and fell asleep on his bed, missing dinner altogether. Your daughters will be feeling the same. The exhaustion of just attending school when you feel anxious can take an awful lot out of them - especially at the start of the year and at a new school. My son is also at a new school. The teachers here are also very supportive and I have been in touch with them and asking that they keep me up to date when my son does miss days. He has missed a few already.

My son has a very long history of school refusal and yet he is now in year 10 and still managing to 'mostly' be at school. It is awfully frustrating for me when he refuses to go - but sometimes i also see that he needs to have just some time to recover from the energy required to put into attending - and socialising. He hasn't made any friends yet at the new school. Have your daughters made any friends yet? Do you think things might start to improve when they do make friends. Are they in the same class? Do you think one is more inclined to stay home than the other - and they influence each other? It must be so hard to have two going through this.
Remember you are doing a good job and doing all you can. Keep talking to the teachers and gaining their support.
Let me know how you go - it's tough....but hang in there.
Take care
Linda

Hi and thanks for your reply.

Yes they are in year 6 this year. I believe one daughter is genuinely more anxious about school and the other has developed a refusal based on defiance and the injustice of her going and her sister not. Today I am totally exhausted by it. the defiant one has run into the bush next to our house. She's safe but no way I could catch her if I try. The other wants to stay in bed. I just want to go to my yoga class and get on with work after that. (Lucky I work at home). As far as friends go all the girls there are really trying to be inclusive to my daughters but I know the more days they don't go the more they miss thes less likely they will feel part of the group. So working with all the professionals I can but it seems until they're 12 (In July) there is no access to some services for 'youth at risk'. I believe these services have mentors and youth workers who could also help. Thanks again for your support and I will be reading through the forum posts to gain more understanding and tips. :)

And by the way they are in separate classes though there is quite a bit of team teaching so they see each other through the day both in class and in the playground.

Hi Susan

As you are in Australia - I can give you some outline of the help that I found along the way. Basically I had to find out own psycologists and then a psychiatrist who works with adolescents and children. My son is now on medication - but hard to tell if that works or not. Psychologists can be good if they work with cognitive behaviour therapy and have a specific plan to work with. If they just want to 'talk' or get your daughters to talk - they are wasting theirs and our time.

Your primary school should have access to a regional educational psychologist - they vary in how they help - but you can sometimes find a good one. Sometimes the school has a counsellor or a chaplain that can be of assistance.
You can get referred to camhs here like in the UK but it is rarely used (unlike the UK where it is the main point of call when you have mental health issues with your child at school).
Have you tried your local doctor? Sometimes they can refer you to others who can help. Some community health centres have the people you are looking for. I found it is just a matter of constantly searching for what is available in your area. What state are you in?

I have just purchased a workbook about mindfulness for teenagers and also a film about mindfulness for all the family. It is aimed at those with mental health issues and in particular anxiety. You can have a look at lots of books that are available and see if any might be what you need. IT is called 'The Human conditional bookstore' and you c an purchase on-line.
http://www.psychotherapy.com.au/home/

See how you go following up a few of the leads I have given. I do agree that there is not as much support until your children get to secondary school but there is some support - just hard to find.
All the best - and let me know how things go and if you need any more help in finding things
Linda

Thank you so much for that. I will check out the link and I agree mindfulness is the way I see a best solution. All the fear comes from the future - what might happen. The psychologist (referred by GP) has some practical techniques but so far a lot of talking has not changed much. School counsellor is good but only available once a week. I will ask re regional educational psychologist. We are in NSW. It's a full time job getting the access to the right services. I'll try nsw community health next. I'll download the e-book and spend time tonight with guided meditation. Advice I'm getting is make days away from school so boring they want to go to school for stimulation. So no digital devices, no screens, no TV, no homeschool work. No fun with each other.(!) Then another part of me thinks OMG they should be doing school work because they're missing so much. So relieved to find there are others who are making it through the maze of this stuff and so grateful for you taking time to advise.

Hi again Susan

I was originally also told to make home life so boring he'd want to go to school. Impossible to make that work! AND that assumes in many ways that it is a 'behavioral issue' rather than a mental health issue.
WE also have to live with our children - and stay sane!! I also have found - and others on here - that the advice of 'take away the technology' if they don't go to school an ill-informed solution from specialists that are not in the situation themselves. My son still stayed home when I took away his computer rights unless he went to school. He just became more depressed. Sometimes it is the only thing they can cling to that keeps them feeling they are 'normal'.
For some children - it also seems that having contact with others via technology stops them from becoming totally isolated. I do not know of any school refuser who has gone to school as a result of making a day at home terribly boring or taking technology off them. Sometimes I want to throw all the computers and iPads out the window....but that's something I think all parents are going through with this generation.

There is a tendency for professionals to also use the 'blame' game and try to indicate it is something you are doing or not doing. As a single parent (I am too) you will more likely be labelled the 'soft' mother, than if it is a two parent family. But having said that - there are also two parent families on this forum who are told they need to go and take parenting skills courses. It is too easy to blame the parent. From my perspective over the past 10 years - the parent is just there....and whether genetic or environmental or both combined - our children who suffer from school refusal have not become like this because we have sat back and said 'its ok not to go to school'. We never say that - and for all of us it has come as a surprise that we have children that are so determined not to go to school and feel so sick when they try to go. It says something about either our schools or our life styles or something that effects our children when they are growing up - in the food chain - in the environment or genetics and environment combined. There are more children suffering from mental health issues than there were in the past - not just that we are speaking out about it. So we just have to do the best we can - get the best support we can - keep doing things for ourselves (your yoga sounds terrific) and ride the waves and just be there for our kids until they are a bit more mature and realise that to manage their anxiety they have to put in the work and effort to challenge themselves to overcome those things which they avoid.
Acceptance on the behalf of the parent - and then the child - is also a huge step forward.

Some find that trying to push their children to school is just not the way to go - and try home schooling. Is this possibly an option for you if school doesn't work out? I understand that in NSw you have a good home schooling network and I can put you in touch with someone who home schooled her two children in NSW if you wanted to contact me off the forum.

It's a tough road you are on - but taking the step to connect via the forum means you are doing all you can - and don't let anyone else at the school or elsewhere ever tell you that you are not. Have a look in the resource section on this forum too - there are a few things that might help. I am so grateful to Simon who set this forum up and saved me from bing a total wreck when my son was still in primary school.
Take care - stay in touch
Linda

Hi Linda.

You are so right! One daughter got incredibly upset when her iPod was taken away. And it certainly hasn't motivated her to go to school. But I try not to feel a total failure as a parent. I know that every kid is different.My 15 year old goes to school. Likes it in fact and gets on with stuff when it happens. A practical young man. My daughters obviously not like that in recent times. Both my daughters have suggested the home school option but as I work 40 hours plus a week from home to provide for the family I can't see how/when I would be able to really teach them. And I think that they will love high school when they get there next year. It's a local public creative arts high school (Kuringai Creative Arts High School) that has so much tolerance and acceptance for different learning styles and creative interests. Both my girls love art and digital photography. And a wide catchment area so lots of kids from different primary schools. They have great teachers there and a peer group that is very inclusive. And in fact the girls in year 9 set up a youth mental health support group that was copied and used in other schools. This High School has a lot of kids that come into it after other more mainstream overcrowded schools in the area fail them. So I'm optimistic for the future. Also just found out I the girls can access local adolescent health even though girls are only 11. Special circumstances accepted. So hopefully some achievable goals will be set and met. So some good news. I hope. And yes- got to yoga and feel like I've renewed my calmness for now. I agree this forum is a lifeline. People who actually get what's going on! :) Really appreciate your support .

Hi Susan

The high school sounds great! And with your daughters being the creative kind - this does sound ideal. Hopefully if there are any hiccups along the way - the support will be there for them and yourself.
My son is a keen photographer and seems to have a natural eye for taking those wonderful shots. I think he also finds he can hide behind the camera - or 'be' someone in social situations.

He was a friendly, happy, fairly outgoing boy - but with school refusal having taken its toll on him for all these years - he is much more withdrawn these days. At primary school he had good friends - but still found it impossible to go to school sometimes - as it makes no difference in a way - but I think when you are a teenager - you need some friends around. So if your daughters can know others at the high school - this sounds like it will be a great help.

There used to be a lot more on the forum but it is a bit quieter these days.
Take care - let us know how you go
LInda

Susan,
I had to respond to your posting, because I'm having a similar situation with my twin 11 year old daughters. Wish I could offer practical advice, but I'm in the U.S. where it seems (as far as I can tell) no one has recognized this "school refusal" as an actual syndrome/condition.
My twins are fraternal and not very bonded but in some ways they're similar: creative, intelligent, some social anxiety (one more than the other) and not athletic. This year (6th grade, now middle school) has been a nightmare in terms of school attendance. It started with daughter "A" having anxiety, not liking class and refusing to go. Some of the contributing factors: sleep issues, best friend now goes to another school, family stress. We've even had the school counselors come to our house to rouse her out of bed! She's seems better at the moment, but now twin "B" has tummy problems and won't go to school. The whole dynamic is frustrating and depressing. It's hard to focus on any other aspect of my life. And though the school counselors seem supportive, their team teachers don't "get" twin "A" at all. One of the teachers was amazed that my daughter didn't laugh at his jokes! Sorry, my daughter doesn't think you're a comedian! BTW, we have tried counseling outside of school particularly with twin "A" however she doesn't connect with the counselor usually and then refuses to to that!
From my limited online research, it seems as though the UK and AUS have acknowledged this as being a significant problem. Here in the states I'm getting the truancy line. "You'll have to go to court if this keeps up." Aside from the school counselors who are probably overburdened, everybody looks at you as though you're enabling your child and want them to stay at home.
Oh, and the tactic of not allowing technology(which we practice) when they're home, doesn't affect twin "A" much. Twin "B" today seems bored, but she'll probably read and do art.
I wish I had solutions for you, but I thought I'd at least provide a note of support from someone in the same position!

Hi Cindy and everyone
My heart goes out to you all, it is terrible having school refusal/anxiety with one child but double when it is the two of them. It has been a while since I have been on this site, and I had hoped to be able to write I had found a miracle cure but unfortunately haven't:(

My situation is that my middle son has suffered school anxiety since he was 11 ( soon to be 14 now) and my youngest son started suffering anxiety at a very similar age ( soon to be 13) and although not twins the last 2 1/2 years have been absolute hell.
I cannot describe the awful feelings of being unable to get them to school and although my youngest son has attended school more than my middle son I have a daily nightmare of trying to get them both the support needed. Everyone says my youngest son is just copying the middle one (including very close family members) but I know he has had some bad experiences of his own that has contributed to the anxiety he feels.

I am dreading the end of the Easter break as I know I will be back to the daily stress of trying to get the youngest to attend his mainstream school and my middle son is meant to be attending a small education unit. I wish that I could get another person to get them to just get up and get dressed and just go! I have begged, pleaded, shouted, rewarded, etc, they must be so confused but nothing makes any difference. The pressure from school to get my youngest sons attendance up is pushing me to complete breaking point. I have to work and although it is only part time I am away from home each day so more pressure caused just to get to work but I have to go collect the youngest regularly as he feels ill. I know it's not as bad as some folks have it with other problems but if anyone had got any ideas I would be so greatful to read them, my middle son has attended Camhs since last May but hasn't made any real difference:/

Thanks everyone stay strong
Best regards
Gerry