school refusers


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School Refusal
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I've tried everything

I have an eight year old girl who refuses school regularly. I'm not sure where to go next as I feel like I've tried everything to get her back to school.
I consider it a good day if I can get her to get out of bed and put on her uniform
And that's fast becoming a rare occurrence.
Last year we were late every single day, and eventually I had to organise someone else to pick the kids up and take them to school, so that at least her brothers would be able to get in on time.
On her worst days, she kicks, screams, and EVEN bites me when I try to get her to go. I have given up trying to make her.
I've been to meeting after meeting and tried everything to get the school to cooperate with me. I told them I wouldn't force her to go to class from now on, and just sitting in the lobby was okay with me. They basically ignored me and dragged her off to class regardless, which sent us right back to square one the next morning. I was so angry, having promised she didn't have to go in until ready.
I don't work anymore because of the situation we are in, and I'm a single mum and wondering if I'll ever be able to get back to work! We are now stuck on welfare for the time being. I am having huge difficulties keeping on top of housework Tec, because I'm having to spend half the day trying to get her to get dressed each morning and am under huge pressure from the school authorities to get her there.
Personally, I feel home school and a work from home situation for me might be the best way to go, but I have faced opposition, or being shut down every time I dare to mention the dreaded term 'homeschool'. I brought the idea up with our headmistress and she told me the authorities would never give permission and that I couldn't 'do that' to my poor child. I know she's wrong and I don't need permission, but I have a feeling she may try to interfere and block my decision worries me. I've decided to give it until the summer, and if the situation isn't any better by then, I want to take my girl out of school. Would I really be doing the wrong thing by her?

Re: I've tried everything

Dear Lou,

There is no magic wand that solves this for us, sadly, but there are some important steps that you need to take to ensure that you are on a sound footing.

Taking a child out of school is a big step. Not just because of the implications for ensuring your child gets a sound education, but because it can cut you off from the education authority - and that may not be a good thing.

You probably feel alone in this situation, and maintaining contact with others is important. Few understand the difficulties parents face in this situation, and support can be hard to find. But those of us who use this site are all going through the similar experiences, though not identical, so there are a few shoulders to lean on.

A few practical tips:
a. Keep a diary. Record who you meet with and when; record 'duvet days'; angry days; etc. It may be that you can keep all this in your head now, but there may come a time when a written record is important.
b. Take notes at meetings, and from telephone calls. If the school promises something, make a note.
c. If the school, social services, etc do not let you have a minute of the meeting, send a copy of your notes to them, pointing out what action they agreed to take.
d. If you promise to do something, do you best to complete it, because otherwise they can point the finger at you. Make a note in your diary of this.
e. Go into meetings well prepared so that you do not feel under attack. They are there to support you and your child, but will not present themselves in that light.
f. Remember to look after yourself. Your children need you to be strong for them.

Yours aye,

Simon

Re: I've tried everything

Hello LouD

Firstly, I'm sending you a big hug. I really feel for you and have been through similar. My daughter hasn't been to school since January 2014 - she is now 14 and should be doing her GCSE course. Here are just a few things I have learnt along the way (even though we certainly aren't through this yet). If any of them help, I will be pleased:

- It is the most frustrating thing in the world - for you as a parent, for your child and when you come up against teachers etc who just just get it.

- The most important thing in all of this is that your daughter gets better from this. You can look at education etc as a secondary, but she must be fully recovered from this.

- It takes time. It is a marathon and not a sprint.

- Home-schooling can work and I would say may be preferable at primary school age, than Secondary school age. This would allow your girl the time to understand her feelings.

- Try and understand the triggers and try and understand why this first started - this can help in finding a solution. Ask your daughter to write an imaginary letter to school or to her friends saying how she feels about school and why she thinks that might be.

- Try and remove all pressure from your daughter (only then, can she get better) and give her back some control.

- Take a longer term view - this is not forever, your girl is not very well BUT she will get better.

- Not everyone will understand or be sympathetic.

- You are a fantastic Mum and only want the best for your daughter.

- You know your daughter better than anyone - trust your own instinct.

- Try and ensure she keeps in touch with friends.

- Try not to feel frustrated with your daughter - she is not doing it on purpose.

- Explore other areas ie: is she creative, does she like sport, what is she good at and what does she enjoy.

These are just a few suggestions - I can provide more, based on what we've been through.

Keep in touch.

Regards.

Sharry

Re: I've tried everything

Hi Lou

I can hear your frustration. It's tough going, isn't it....and not made any easier by the lack of understanding from the school. I found the primary school had very little understanding as they tend to immediately think it is just a behaviour issue. They start listening more when your child is older - but even then it depends on the individual.
I know it sounds like the world has turned upside down for you - but as Simon and Sharry have said - remember you are not alone. There are many of us gong through or having been through something similar.

You have every right to choose home schooling if nothing else seems to work for you. The school - the authorities - can have their opinion - but as long as you go through the right avenues - they can't stop you.
However - there are some things to consider if you do go down this road. 1) are you prepared as sole parent to commit this much time and effort to one of your children? (Hard question - but one you do have to ask yourself) and 2) does your daughter suffer any social anxiety that you have noticed? (in which case - still trying to get her to school may be important - or at least involved in a club or activity where she mixes with her own age group).

There are some links in the resource section on this website regarding home schooling or just do a google searchand you'll come up with some - (are you in the UK?).
If you decide to try and stick out the school situation (I have done this from prep....and my son is now in Year 10). I can certainly agree with Sharry, that it is a marathon - not a sprint. And there are times when you go round in circles - but it is the small steps that start to matter. If the school can't come up with a plan - then you might need to get a local doctor or counsellor on side to agree to 'your' plan. This sounds like it might need to involve slow introduction back - such as half days or an hour even for the first few days and so on. This depends on whether your daughter feels this works though. My son hated slow introductions as he said the kids kept asking where he was (they are less likely to ask at high school!). And to re- introduce your daughter to the 'feel' of school then your idea of sitting in the foyer - or the library or somewhere quiet initially is an excellent idea. I know someone whose son slowly got back to school by spending time in a little room near the office for weeks on end - for half days then full days - doing work the teachers set. Then he was able to integrate fully again.

It seems that kids who have School Refusal - have heightened reactions to all things that schools are; noise, lights, bustling activity, expectations, performance, testing, unpredictability and so on. It is a bit like kids with autism and they may find one day that school refusal has some aspects that cross over into autism. The social side can also be a challenge as kids themselves are unpredictable and it takes effort and consistency to make and keep friends and if our children are absent a lot - then friends move on.

Has your daughter shown signs of not wanting to go to parties without you? Or not wanting to go to a friend's place etc? These were early signs for my son. Whilst nothing major in themselves - they do indicate not feeling comfortable in certain situations.

If you can get help for your daughter sooner rather than later- as you would well know - that will help too. The school should be offering you assistance in this respect. Your daughter may need to be assessed to find out if there are any other problems as well. Getting a doctor to back you up can be very worthwhile (our family doctor has been terrific and has written letters in the past to show how serious the situation is). My son also has seen many psychologists - but they wanted him to 'talk' and this doesn't work. They need someone who works with cognitive behavioru therapy ( 8 might be a bit young to take this on) where they learn to change their negative thoughts. This is a mental illness than can be managed quite well - but it does take a long time - and a certain maturity from the child as well.

Make sure the school knows that this is a mental health issue and not a behaviour issue. Check there has been no bullying? It may never have been one incident - just a combination of things that overwhelm her. And as Sharry says - she can't help it - so e embrace her where she is at and help her not to feel so overwhelmed. My son started to move forward when I totally accepted this was a mental heath issue and a long haul...not an overnight fix. He took another step forward when he realised he had anxiety - and that it was not just some wild thing taking hold of him and turning him into a crying, screaming child in a morning.
It is just heart wrenching, isn't it - to see our child in such a traumatic state - just about getting to school. For them the fear must be just so huge - they will do anything to not go. My son also used to kick me and then swear at me and mornings were just horrible. They got much better when I took the pressure off and accepted.
We still have bad mornings that extend to bad days.....but he is still mostly getting to school, averaging 3-4 days a week - so it was worth hanging in there. I didn't home school as he is an only child and I felt he needed the socialisation an I also felt it would be too much for me to be at home so much with him when he probably needed some independence from me.

Take care and have a think about different directions you can try and take - with the school - with your daughter - getting help and so forth. There is always someone on here to listen or hold out a hand of support.
Linda

Re: I've tried everything

Dear lou, we have been through exactly the same as you, what County are you in? If you decide to home educucate i can help you as thats the way we went, mainly as the school didnt offer any help but instead did everything they could to get rid of us!!

Re: I've tried everything

Hi Maurreen

Did you find that homeschooling meant no more anxiety - or did you still have to deal with some anxiety issues but in a different context? So glad you found something that helped - schools are just not good places for many kids.
Linda

Re: I've tried everything

Unfortunately everything got very worse, for a while. I think the damage of school takes a while to recover, we had violence before i deregistered, which carried on for a little while, but it was the separation phobia that lasted nearly 6 months intensely but gradually decreased. Home education saved my daughter from a life of mental health problems, she is 19 now & whilst not perfect, has very few friends but she seems happy enjoying going to football matches, learning to drive, playstation etc

Re: I've tried everything

Hi Maureen

Sounds like it was a hard few years for you but so glad to hear that you feel your daughter was saved from suffering from mental health issues for life. Trying to manage the anxiety whilst being bombarded by triggers in a school environment must be a nightmare for most school refusing students. And managing it seems to be perhaps what your daughter was able to do at last, once the daily draining of self esteem was removed.
Hope things continue to go well for her - and you have done a great job to travel beside your daughter throughout all this.
Take care
Linda

Re: I've tried everything

Hi LouD
welcome. i'm sorry your daughter is going through such a tough time.

the other posters here have given excellent advice.
i'm not surprised at the lack of understanding and support from the school. that's fairly common.

if you've checked that she isn't refusing to go in due to bullying etc, then giving serious consideration to homeschooling is a step to consider.

i did my share of insisting and 'bringing' my daughter into school in her early teens and it was so upsetting and degrading for her i swore never again nor would i ever recommend it to anyone. it's not the way to go about it and schools should realise this too.

i hope you find the support you need to help your daughter.

do take care of yourself too, when dealing with SR you need every last ounce of energy you have.

take care

Virginia

Re: I've tried everything

Hi Virginia

Just curious about the Home Schooling and your daughter - did her motivation to complete school work improve greatly once school was removed? Was she keen to do the work?
I know I have mentioned on here how I don't think it possible to home school my son as he is an only child - and the other main concern is that he just has to be pushed so much to do school work - it drives me crazy. There is no motivation. So even though he gets to school on many occasions - he does not have the motivation or organisation to just get on with the school work to make up for the absences. And I wonder - would it all be different if the anxiety wasn't there? I guess I won't ever know - but I agree with you that this pushing/dragging to go to school is not the way - but sometimes there is no alternative.

Linda

Re: I've tried everything

Hi Linda
in answer to the question did my daughter's motivation increase with homeschooling, i'd say yes and no.

the yes is to do with the anxiety of worrying about school and going etc being taken away - that helped.

the no, she continued on working for a time, but we had a period where she got a bit fed up doing work at home and she was, of course, not concerned that it was only mom who was supervising. teachers seem to have a different effect on kids.

but that passed. it was probably just the novelty of being at home i guess.
when it did pass she went back to doing her work and she learned how to manage a lot of it herself and it encouraged self discipline.

having said that, she has that ability in her, always had. so while it might have worked for her, i realise it's not for everyone.

i was only glad to see the anxiety ebbing away and a happy, relaxed person emerge after so long.

hope your son is doing okay at the moment.

and a belated happy st patrick's day to all.