Hi Jacqui and Theresa

I am so sorry to hear how things are for you. The main thing to remember is - you are not alone. Try not to feel too isolated as there are many of us out here who understand. Right now you probably feel just too overwhelmed to have the energy to know where to go next? There is always something round the corner - so don't despair.

In many ways over the years as I have struggled with this with my son - I have come to the conclusion that yes - we need the professionals if they are good and can do something - but the journey to recovery ends up falling to us as parents. So read up as much as you can about mental health issues with teenagers - there are some in the resource section of this site. I am sure you are both well read on the topic but there is always new information coming out regarding the best approach. CBT is still the main road forward - but if our kids are not mature enough to take it on - or in a place in their mind where they are ready (i.e. self harming) then it takes longer. But tiny steps are all good.

I found we started to move forward just that bit when I embraced my son where he was and accepted he had a mental health issue - when he accepted he had anxiety/depression - and when we were able to rise above the negative people we came across (at school - other parents and so forth). My son did change schools - but it hasn't been the answer - but both him and myself and getting more support from the new school - and that does make a difference. I do not know the answers - but all I know is that we are moving forward slowly all the time. Giving back self esteem and confidence to our kids is the first and most important step at this vulnerable time in their lives. Letting them know that they are ok - just wired up a bit differently - and that they will get better. But they do have to put in some effort themselves to get better. IN many ways it is also knowing how far to 'push' your child when all they want to do is avoid and run away from the issue. It is a fine line we tread and persistence is the only thing I know I still have!!

So hang in there. Sometimes gut feeling is the best thing to follow. We as parents know our kids best.
Arm yourselves with all the information you can to throw at authorities that don't understand. Getting a fine would have been a horrible thing, Teresa - and just shows how lacking in understanding these school refusal issues are.
There is probably no 'one size fits all' formula for school refusal. Our kids are all different in some way - and either have high intelligence or a learning difficulty. There are also symptom cross overs with the autism spectrum in many cases. School environment of continuous expectation, being on show all the time, the noise - the sights - the hustle and bustle - the unknown outcomes each hour - each day - means some kids just can't handle it.

Medication - as you mention in another post, Jacqui - can help our kids to then try and tackle things more themselves. Facing the things they avoid is really something they have to do - but only in small steps. My son is on medication and although I feel it doesn't do much - perhaps he would be much worse if the wasn't on it.

This bring me to mention where my son is at the moment. This week is 'work experience'. Do you have work experience week in the UK? In year 10 - all students are expected to do a week of work at a work place. Schools used to organise this but these days it falls on the student (and obviously the parent)- which means not all kids end up doing it. A shame - as I think it is excellent for self esteem building. My son is working in a shop. He does general tasks rather than selling any equipment - but has already done so many things in two days that he normally would not be able to do. They do not know he has an anxiety disorder - so just send him off to do various things - including taking things to the post office down the road, going over the road to a studio to work with other staff members, helping elderly people who don't know how to use some machines and so forth. When I heard he had been to the post office on his own...I was speechless! This is my school refusal son. There is something completely different about a workplace - perhaps working with older people - not peers? But he has also just had to get up and do what they ask of him and not run away. And I also cannot believe that for three mornings in a row - he has got up out of bed on time and has arrived at work on time. He usually struggles to get to school - either never makes it - or arrives late and then attempts to come home early. He is currently working 9 - 5pm. So remember - there are other options out there for your kids that one day will allow them to be themselves. But in the meantime - see if you can think of ways to increase their confidence bit by bit. It might be doing some voluntary work - or helping others (helping the elderly seems to be very beneficial as the elderly are always very appreciative!). I know that my son will still struggle to get through school - but this will give him the confidence to know that there are other things out there and one day he will be ok - and one day your kids will be ok too.

Do something for yourself today - and every day if you can. You need to keep up your own strength and feel you are not just absorbed into the downward swirl that School Refusal often becomes. It takes up too much of our thinking time.
Let us know how you get on - and remember - you are doing your best - don't let others lay the blame.
Take care
Linda

Hi thank you Jacqui and Linda for taking the time to share your stories with me.I think that all we can do is to plough on and hope that things improve. We are trying to negotiate maybe a part time college place to dangle as a an incentive to attend school on the other days of the week.I wish you both well with your struggles.
Love and hugs
Theresa