Hi, I have never posted on here before. My daughter is 17, she is bright, pretty and has good friends. She was fine until she went to secondary school but then within a few months she would not go to school.
I have tried everyday in that period to get her there, usually with little success. I have tried everything I can think of begging; bribery; threats; school pastoral care; school psychologists; CBT with CAMHS 3 (different psychologists); private counsellors (3 of them); CAMHS support groups; art therapy; hypnotherapy, you name it! None of it has worked. She passed her GCSEs with great grades(she worked very hard at home) and started A levels but now she has stopped going or even trying. I have no idea what to do, she wants so badly to get her A levels and go to Uni but she won't even try to go.
Bizarrely, she works part time and has no problems going to work. Which is the only time she goes out.
I feel hopeless to help, everyone tells me she is the worst they have ever seen. I don't know where to turn. I try to get her siblings out of the house ASAP everyday as the atmosphere is so bad here, but I am stuck and desperate.

Hi Zoe
your daughter sounds like a smart girl. have you asked her why she has stopped working towards her a levels?

what is her general mood like? maybe she's finding doing the a levels herself a bit daunting but might not be able to say.

it's very difficult to see your child dealing with these things, but maybe it'll come to where you may have to just let her leave the school work for a time. prehaps she could just concentrate on her part-time job and she may be willing to restart in sept.

all the best

Virginia

Hi Virginia,
Thanks for replying. You're right, she is very smart but her mental state is not good at all. She is so badly anxious that her current counsellor said shis the worst she has seen.
When I said she has stopped trying I meant trying to actually get to school. She spends hours an hours at home studying, she did her GCSEs the same way - almost no face to face input from teachers. A levels are much harder though and she is finding it difficult to cope with the workload. The school have already dropped her from one subject. I have tried to persuade her to leave and study elsewhere or do something that won't make her so anxious and miserable but she refuses to do it - she says that will be a failure.
So it just goes on and on. I have now given up hope that she will improve where she is - at least that now means I avoid the shaking and nausea every morning wondering if she will go to school.
We have tried so many interventions, CBT, CAMHS, a support group, private counsellors, art therapy, hypnotherapy etc etc, and have probably spent thousands of pounds. The school has tried and tried and been very supportive but now she is in sixth form they don't bother quite so much, I don't blame them- they've many more receptive kids to worry about. She now only leaves the house for work, counselling and driving lessons. I find it harder and harder to put on a brave face for my other kids - I'm really scared it has damaged them after so many years with such a bad atmosphere in the house.
Sorry - big long moan!
Zoe x

Hi Zoe
it has to be a very anxious time for you.
i understand it because i went through it with my daughter.

we're in Ireland, so things a little different. after severe bullying which made her very anxious understandably, she refused to continue going to school (secondary second year) at 15.
so we had to make the decision to let her continue studying at home.

she was and is very driven and did herjunior certificate as an external student. it's the equivelent of your o-levels, so not too difficult to do withour teacher/tutor input.

but the Leaving Certificate is a different matter and while she tried, without outside help, which she wasn't willing to have, she had to let it go at the time.

roll on a couple of years and she has gone to college to study drama part-time and last week signed on to do her Leaving Cert from Sept next in a college in the nearby city. she's 20 btw.

i've learnt from the past few years, that sometimes you just have to let things go. i just had to stop and ask myself what was important.

your daughter's state of mind is very important right now. getting that healthy is the priority.

if she wants to continue with the a-levels, would she accept help from a tutor whenever she needs it?

my worry would be that if she continues on with no help and fails them, how will she cope?
i really feel for you and her. life can be difficult enough without the stress of SR and anxiety added to the mix.

Take care
Virginia

Hi Virginia,
Hope you are ok. I am also very worried about my daughter failing her exams - she would be devastated. I try to get her to see that they are not the most important things in life, and that there are other ways of doing them but she doesn't listen. She is trying to do really tough coursework with now tuition at all, It is practically impossible for anyone to do. Last night she was up after 1am working on an English essay. She is so hard on herself that she will only be happy with top marks - but I can't see how anyone could do that alone. Her counsellor says she has very poor self esteem and that this combined with the completion at school has led her to suffer dreadful anxiety so she can't go at all. It is so hard for her and she works so hard, it just breaks my heart.
How is your daughter now, is she feeling better? It is just so hard to see your child struggling everyday. If only we could get them to see how fantastic they are, how other people see them.
Jane x

Hi Zoe.
we're very well here thanks. hope things are going okay for you.

as i was reading each line of your post, i almost knew what was coming next. some children are so hard on themselves. they have great intelligence but because they've been hurt or are anxious, they become so hard on themselves. any fail, no matter how slight can be devestating.

i saw this a little with my daughter. it got to where, rather than risk anything, she stopped. just stopped.

i let it go for a while to give her some room, and then gradually started to encourage little things.

she started going out for walks that eventually led to her running. there was a time she wouldn't have even dreamt of doing this in public, but off she goes now.
she started to learn to drive. still learning but her confidence has grown so much.

when she sat opposite me one day and asked if she could enrol in drama classes in our nearest city, i couldn't breathe. truthfully i never thought i'd see the day. it has been amazing to watch her come out of a shell that she was driven into by some horrible treatment by so-called friends in her teens.

she's doing her Leaving Cert in sept next. this will, in her words, give her so much more choice as she wants to pursue drama as a career.

even to hear her talking about these things calmly and happily is like hearing a new person.

for me, it's a sign of hope. i didn't do anything. time and her did the work.

i wish i could advise you how to help your daughter. i think things have a habit, for the most part, of working out with time. i know that when you're in the middle of a rough patch, this isn't much consolation but please have hope.

support her all the way, and keep telling her how much you love her and what a great person she is.

take care

Virginia

Hi Virginia
Thanks for your lovely message, it gives me so much hope. I'm really pleased your daughter is feeling better, you must be very proud of her. I hope that you are right and that time will help. I have tried to write a longer message but it keeps telling me there's spam, no idea why!

Thanks & take care

Zoe

Hello Virginia

As I have written previously, I have a 15 year old girl who hasn't been to school for 18 months. Many of the things that you have outlined, fit exactly with her. She's intelligent, bright and creative, but also a perfectionist. She seems to have lost any fight to even try anything now, even though she used to be so determined and competitive.

It is great though that there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel (so looking forward to seeing it!)

However, I also wondered, did you try your daughter on any medication? I only ask, because several people have suggested it to me for my girl, but I am reluctant, especially if time will heal.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Sharry

Hi Zoe and all

I did send a reply but for some reason it flew into cyberspace.
Perfectionism does seem to be a common thread. My son would rather not start or complete work than do work that didn't meet his standards. Very frustrating for us to watch, isn't it.
I hope that you can move forward in all this, Zoe, and find that a small step forward might lead to new strength for your daughter.
It is hard as we also have our own expectations that generally tend not to meet the pace that our kids are moving in.
If we can shift our thoughts sideways, there might be something that acts as a bridge. Not all learning needs to come directly from school.

Would you consider on-line learning? There is an educational on-line link in the resource section and in my post that never reached its destination I gave the URLs. If you search on the net you will find the Uk site.

Hang in there and don't feel you are on your own. We are here for you any time.
Take care,
Linda