I just don't ever seem to be able to get the right outcome. My eldest has now completely stopped attending 6th form classes. She was doing one subject at a different school and was going fine, but now she has stopped doing that as well. Yesterday she was supposed to see her teacher there about coursework outside lesson time when it was just her and she couldn't walk down the street. We have been trying to get in into school since year 7, she goes for a bit and ten it just stops. Each time it is harder, I just don't think she will ever get better.
This morning I had a big row with my second child because she just makes no effort at all. She can't be bothered to get up in time for school (she's late everyday although I wake with loads of time and remind her every 15 minutes, according to her school report she was in the worst 5% of pupils for lateness) and can't be bothered to do the work. She has got her GCSEs next week but it makes no difference. She never comes home on time either, it makes now difference if I punish her. She is aggressive to me and especially her sisters and is rude to teachers.
My third daughter is severely dyslexic which makes school really hard for her. She goes on time very day but she really struggles to do the work and doesn't want to accept help. She just says she can't do it and It's like the shutters come down- she gets angry and defensive. I have tried to be a good mum, I did all the things a you're supposed to do but I seem to be fighting a losing battle. I don't know where I went wrong or what to do next.
Zoe

Hi Zoe
gosh you have a lot to cope with. have you anyone to support you?
you haven't done anything wrong it's just a lot to be dealing with.

what is the school doing in relation to your daughter with SR?
worrying about her attendance is probably making you anxious which in turn will make everything else seem annoying. it just seeps into us and spreads through the house affecting everyone.

could you talk with your second eldest and try to come to some arrangement wherby she gets up a little bit sooner and tries to be more on time.

lots of people, children included, hate getting up in the mornings and might need to waken sooner and ease into the day.

your daughter with dyslexia should have support in class to allow her reach her full potential. is the school helping with this?

try not to deal with all of this on your own. it's too much for anyone.

take care

Virginia

Hi Zoe,

I am so sorry to hear how hard things are for you right now. I can't claim to have the answers but thinking about your situation it could be what you first mentioned in your earlier post and that is that it is probably the stressful situation is effecting you all. I know stepping back never feels like the answer but perhaps if you can do this you might all get the breather it sounds like you all need.

With your eldest daughter, is it possible that she is suffering from depression and might even at this stage need medication to help her start taking steps forward. Can you take her to a doctor and provide a case history and ask about medication?
Whilst I can't swear that medication helped my son, I am sure that he would have been a lot worse if he hadn't taken it. He is on Lovox. There is other medication that can help too. Sometimes when they get to this stage, the anxiety drags their self esteem so low that they fall into a depression and motivation to do anything, let alone school work becomes impossible.
Remember that there is help but it is not easy to find. You are not alone and you will find for some reason people tell you your child is the worst they have seen but this may be so for that individual but doesn't mean your daughter is that bad. She sounds typical of school refusers and it really does drag them down.

My son told me last week that he just couldn't do school any more after struggling for 10 years. And I knew he was right and if he continued to try and keep failing, he'd go back down a depressive road we went down a few years ago. He told me he will try distance education. We are lucky down here that we do have this on-line option. He has to get a referral from his psychiatrist and the school and we will enrol this week.
There are some on-line options in the UK. You can find some links on the resource section of this forum I think. You have to pay but it might be worth looking into.

If you can find some help like this for your eldest, your other daughter might find the stress levels in the house are reduced and not feel the need to rebel? And, more important, see what support you can find for yourself. I have been on anti depressants to help me manage the stress so don't hesitate to talk to you doctor. Do something special for just you. You have an awful lot to deal with. School is not for all. There can be different roads. Always have hope and believe in your daughter. She will be able to move forward and all small steps are good. She has done well to get this far - let her know that.

And put it back on the school to help your dyslexic daughter. Sounds like they need to review the support she is getting. Give all your daughters a hug. They are all probably just trying to find their way in ver difficult circumstances.
Remember you are not alone and you are doing all you can and are a good mum. You have not done anything wrong. A big hug coming your way from down under.

Take care, Linda

Hi Virginia and Linda
thank you both for your kinds replies. It really helps to off load to someone who understands. My eldest has sent off an application for a local college to do her a levels there, it is a hard thing for her to do because she seems to view this as some sort of failure - I think the opposite is true, I hope a fresh start may be of real help to her. She goes off to work and even exams with no hesitation - it is just school. I think she has become so ingrained into feeling anxious in the classroom that she just can't break out of it. I hope this will work out but if it doesn't at least we will have tried every option ( at least for A levels). I have broached the idea of medication but she wasn't at all keen, she doesn't seem unhappy except when school is in the picture. It's very difficult to know what to do. The GP has given her some beta blockers to help with her migraines so hopefully they may also help with the anxiety. I guess we'll see!

Second child is just a regular pig headed stroppy teenager I think, although it doesn't make her behaviour any easier for the rest of us to bear - it is like juggling explosives!

The school have put extra support in place for 3rd child. Hopefully she will respond to their help. Thankfully the school have been fantastic through all of this. They had a great pastoral support set up. Unfortunately they don't seem to have the funding to replace support staff when they leave which has happened twice in the last few weeks, it makes me worry for other kids who may be in the same position.

Unfortunately I don't have a huge amount of support, hubby is always working. I suspect he finds it easier to bury himself in work rather than deal with stuff at home. There is never any shortage of work in the NHS! I have a couple of good friends who know the situation but I find it very difficult to talk about to anyone else. II get a bit emotional and it is hard to admit when things aren't going so well. We are supposed to be going husbands university reunion soon, I really don't want to go, it will be full of smug perfect parents with their perfect, successful families boasting about how great they all are. It makes me want to tear my hair out. The dreadful 'round robin' smug-fest every Christmas is bad enough!
Sorry, seem to go on and on again. Hope things are going well for you and your families. Hopefully one day we will all just look back on this and think it all worked out in the end. Lots of hugs to you both.
Zoe x

Hi Zoe
I had a great reply typed out but the spam message hit and that was that.

i'm glad your eldest daughte is going to do her a levels in local college. without the pressure of attending 'school', she will hopefully get the results whe wants in an environment she is comfortable in.

i'm fully convinced that school in it's normal form is not for everyone.

educational cutbacks are terrible. they're everywhere and they can have such an effect on children when a teacher they are just getting used to is replaced with another. but government decisions eh!!

take care and enjoy the weekend.

Virginia