Hi,

I seem to be posting profusely at the moment. However, I have never experienced SR before and I seem to have 101 questions to ask.

One question which I really would appreciate some advice on is this. My 14 year old is refusing all education at the moment. He has refused school completely since January, he has refused to attend alternative provision at a PRU and he hides from the home tutor when she comes. Occasionally, he used to complete half a worksheet with me if i read the questions and he dictated the answers. However, now he is refusing this. he has just ripped up a sheet and gone back under the covers in bed.


There is a CIN meeting on Tuesday and I will have to give a report on the situation at home (although I am at work for most of the day). I had hoped to tell the various agencies that my son was completing at least a little work. However, I cannot do this now.

My question is this: although my son has a medical condition (anxiety), can we be held responsible for failing to ensure that he is receiving any sort of education? Also, my husband and I differ in our response to my son's refusal. I tend to think he needs boundaries e.g. there should be times set aside for 'educational activities' and other activities e.g gaming and messing about should not be undertaken during these times; if he does not attempt some educational work he should lose a 'treat' e.g. a visit to the farm where he can drive a car and play with the puppy. My husband thinks there should not be such sanctions and that I am being 'hard' on my son and unfair on him (my husband) by trying to impose such 'rules' especially when i am not there during term time to enforce them.

I am confused and frustrated. We are thinking of moving, but I can see this situation replicating itself wherever we go; I tend to half believe the agencies when they suggest that at least part of the problems lies at home and i am falling out constantly with my husband.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated

Hi Janet

A difficult question and a situation I am quite familiar with. My son had so many opportunities given him by teachers at his most recent school who were willing to be flexible when work was due as a result of so many absences. But he put off doing work had no motivation and it drove me wild!, so I know how you are feeling. My son says it was all because he wanted nothing to do with school. As we are about to embark on the education on-line journey, I feel nervous, as I just can't see the motivation just falling into place.

I believe a lot of it has to do with the high expectations our kids place on themselves and so doing work that is not perfect is best not done. It is terribly irrational, but they don't think rationally on many levels as the anxiety does impact on more than just attending school. There is also a level of depression that rides side by side with their anxiety and this also takes away the motivation.
Everything becomes an effort.

I have also read out questions for my son and had him dictate answers and even then - he always got annoyed doing it. I also believe the technology they are addicted to does not help. The speed at which they take in images and words via their iPads, for example, means focusing and reading more than a paragraph becomes a chore. So we have several issues to deal with....and not forgetting they are teenagers which can be hard to motivate at the best of times!

So I don't have the answers. I just kept pushing and prodding till he did most of the work whilst at home.

As for taking away something as punishment...we have talked about this on the forum before and most people feel that this does not work. It only works for behaviour type issues and not anxiety. They can't help their anxiety nor the way it makes them so irrational, so taking away something they like doing can just make them feel worse about themselves, take away a small pleasure, and still not get the work done.

I think it was Simon who mentioned that there tends to be more or less a 'good cop' and a'bad cop' in most families. So this sounds like it is happening in your family. Neither is necessarily right or wrong, it is just the way we see the issue. Your husband, however, might have completely accepted that it is the anxiety causing your son's behaviour. Do you think this is where you are also at or are you still finding yourself wondering if it is just bad behaviour? I found these questions went though my head over and over until I finally accepted that my son had a mental health issue and that was why reward and punishment never worked for him.

It is good,however,if you can both still try and get your son into social situations and doing things outside of home, as he will be able to take small steps fowards and feel better about himself if he does still keep facing his anxiety. School makes our kids try and face too many anxieties all at once, but outside of school there are still many challenges they can try and attempt and thus still move foword.
Sorry my post is so long!, I have rambled on s bit- but having been on this road for a long time and seen those small steps forward, I hope by sharing my thoughts with you, it helps in some way.
There are often more questions than answers on this school refusal/anxiety road.
Hope there are some small steps coming your son's way very soon.
Linda

Don't fall out with your husband over this! You need each other because finding help elsewhere is hard.

We had never had an argument til my daughter started refusing to attend school, but this certainly changed the relationship.

Use differences to pay good cop, bad cop. Or have one month when one scenario plays out and another when you try the other option, and see what works. From our experience - neither!

But you then give the child back some control - choosing between options - and so often they feel that they have no say in their own lives, and this builds up resistance.

Our crime and punishment routine involved removing access to computers/games consoles but it did not take long to realise this was not helping. With no social interaction at school, some other form or keeping in touch with friends is important. One of our daughters difficulties became a lack of social skills because her friends had all moved on, and she was still a couple of years behind when she started picking up friendships again. The other problem we discovered was that her teachers were attempting to set homework via the internet, but she could not respond because we had withdrawn access.

Are you ready for the meeting? Smartly dressed, with portfolio to hand looking as though you are in control and calmly confident? (Thank you, Linda) Are you notes up to date? Have you asked your child what he wants you to say?

This is a tough and testing time for you and your family, but you will come through it. So look after yourself as you will need all your strength in the coming weeks and months.

Yours aye,

Simon

Hello,

Thank you Linda and Simon for your replies. It is reassuring to know that we are not alone and, from what you say, the tough approach may need rethinking. I had a little breakthrough last night. My husband is considering buying a new (old) car. He has seen two locally and so I asked my youngest to compare them in terms of mileage, safety, engine capacity etc and tell us which was the best. He came back with a very impressive list of facts gleaned from the internet and local adverts and we put them together to present to his Dad. So, perhaps there is a bit of hope that we can use his special interests (cars, the gym, training the puppy and hip hop music) as a way to keep him engaged in some sort of education. It would be even better if there was some way of helping both my sons interact with other young people.

The meeting will probably follow the usual format of representatives from the school suggesting ways in which we may be able to help my son return to school (he usually agrees enthusiastically and then cannot do it when the day arrives); representatives from social care suggesting ways in which they may support my husband with both boys (our eldest son (16) has Asperger's syndrome and more complex mental health needs)- someone usually comes round and the boys hide or barricade themselves in a room. Yet, at least support is being offered and there may be a time when the boys can accept it. My main concern (apart from the frustration I mentioned in the other post) is that at 14 and 16, with little or no real formal education and very little social interaction (my husband also has AS) I feel as though i need solutions quickly before we have two very hard to reach young adults.

Best wishes,

Janet

Janet,

Assuming that you are in the UK - what are you doing up at 5:18am?! Time for yourself, I guess, but you need to keep fit and well.

I nearly made the suggestion responding to an earlier post that you use your son's IT skills, but this seems to have come through anyway. Research does require longer periods of concentration, and may lengthen that attention span that you were concerned about. I am sure there is more he could do without him realising that he is self-teaching. (Is that a word?)

Our school avoided the Social Work (Social Services if in England) referral, but I still wonder if that might not have been more helpful. Scotland is introducing a controversial 'named person' scheme which will provide a single point of contact to look after the welfare of every child under 18. Problems with the scheme are that the state 'guardian' could take over parental responsibilities and intervene inappropriately, and with data protection issues. But sharing information between people who need to know is a huge barrier. Currently when the 'story' has to be retold endlessly and one wonders if any progress is ever going to be made. Our daughter hated going over old ground.

So, to the point. Getting differing departments together is a big step forward and will, I hope prove helpful for you.

Simon

Hi Janet

Sounds great that your son did that research and what a great way of learning.
In regards to you sons barricading themselves inside their rooms when a tutor comes, my son used to do the same thing. He never did explain to me quite how he felt but I have heard from others on the forum that their children have done similar things. Perhaps the unknown expectation, the feeing of making s mistake? Don't know. Makes it tricky for you,though.

You certainly have your hands full. You deserve a medal for your continued pursuit of ways to give your sons an education, despite the obvious stress you must be under. Can you do things just for yourself sometimes? Do you ever get a break apart from work? How does your husband handle the boys being home all the time? Does he get much of a break?

As I have said, all steps,no matter how small are good but keep up the opportunities for them to get out of the house. Will your son go with his dad to look at cars to buy? Do you have family nearby who your sons interact with? Do your sons avoid all socialising or just in certain situations?
Hang in there, I am sure you will be able to find some help of the right kind soon.
Take care
Linda

Hi Janet

Just came across this site about An expert on Aspergers who is is giving talks across the Uk at the moment and during June.
Not sure if this is of interest to you at the moment but I did stumble across this when searching up more information on school refusal. His website is:
www.tonyattwood.com.au

Linda

Hi again

Unfortunately the talks as mentioned in previous post have already occurred in the UK. The website might still be of interest perhaps.
Linda