Clare, our problems also came to light after a school trip. Sleepovers had not always been a success, with calls late at night to 'come collect', so this may have been an indicator that we missed early on.

We also found that holidays away from home en famile were sometimes difficult with a reluctance to leave familiar surroundings.

It is all about confidence building - and I do not have an answer for that. So that was no help at all!

Simon

Hi Clare

I am glad you found this site. Welcome to those who understand what you are going through. It must be so hard on you all at the moment!
It sounds perhaps like a few things are starting to kick in, as they so often do when our children start secondary school. Some of the other triggers may have been separation anxiety as well as hating change of routine and familiar surroundings as Simon had mentoned.
Is there any way your daughter could go to a school where she knows others? Sometimes we do have to weigh up their feeling comfortable with what we might want from them long term. Having said that, my son's friends at primary school went to different schools and I often wonder what he might have been like, had he had those familiar faces and friends around him but we didn't have the option to send him to either of their schools.

There are no complete answers as you know. It is often trial and error. Your daughter seems to have done her best in the past and if she does have some learning difficulties then I would imagine that the environment at secondary school is pretty confronting.
Are you able to look at alternatives for school or is this not an option? Did your daughter have friends at primary school? If so, can you help her remain in touch or is she reluctant to socialise?
If you can't look at school alternatives, see what the school will do for her ( and you). Do they understand the situation, do you think?

Give your daughter some big hugs. She is probably very stressed and confused right now. She can't help how she feels so is probably also feeling very much alone. Let her know that you understand.
My personal feeling re cognitive behaviour therapy is that I would not rule it out completely. Most kids take a long time to be able to take this on board as it does require self discipline and motivation to get better. I am still working on this with my son but find myself working within CBT most days as we try and balance the negative thoughts. Have you also ever considered medication?
My son is taking medication and I feel he would be a lot worse wothout it. He started taking it around the time he started secondary school. So it might be worth looking into?
Sorry I have no magic to send your way. Make sure you take some time out to do things just for you. You need all the strength you can get and sometimes we are so focused on the school refusal that it is easy to forget our own needs.
Let us know how things progress. Small steps are all good.
Take care and hear from you soon
Linda

Hi Clare and welcome.

sorry you're daughter is going through this.
the first thing i'd ask is to stop having her carried into school or anywhere for that matter. she's too old to be having this done to her and her shaky confidence will be shattered with that. her dignity too.

i know you mean well. i've been there. we probably all have been at some stage and it's very hard.

i'm sorry i have no answers just know that's there are plenty here who know what you're going through. take care

Virginia

Hi again Clare

I was just wondering how you were coping on the rocky road at the moment? Are you hanging in there?
I was just thinking about the secondary school and what they could do for you and was wondering if they would perhaps let your daughter met any other new children who have some slower learning issues? Surely your daughter won't be there only ine starting secondary with such an issue? That way she would know someone especially on her first day/ week.mincsn imagine how draughtiness it would be to start a new secondary school when you know no-one.

As your summer break is coming up fast I guess you'd have to get in touch with the school as soon as you can and see if your daughter can meet up with someone. Even someone in an older year would be bet than no one.

At my son's secondary school they had a get together for students and parents for those who knew no-one or were new to the area etc. parents were then taken off for an afternoon tea whilst teachers helped the kids get to know each other. Mind you.....we were also invited to this despite my son knowing some kids as I had told them about his anxiety, but I couldn't get my son to go. He refused a few things such as the maths testing day as well but he actually started the first few weeks off ok and I think that was because although his best friends did not go, he did know some other kids. Your daughter would be terrified of what To do, where to sit, who to hang out with at lunch time and what will happen if she doesn't have anyone to hang out with etc. hopefully thee school can help out with a connection for your daughter, certainly worth a try.
Good,luck!
Linda

Thanks for all the messages.....things are getting bad again as the fear of secondary school is getting worse. My primary school are mega supportive and are helping in every way they can. We are all meeting on Monday with the secondary school. She has already had two short visits with the senco which went really well but when it came to doing it on her own it was a disaster. As of course i knew it would be. A child who wont ski gaily into her own primary school without suppport is not going to do in a secondary school of 1500 people where she knows no one!
Unfortunately we live in an area where people pay ludicrous amounts of money to get into the catchment area, which is what we did years ago for my older two children when there were no secondary schools near our primary. Thus the reason my daughter will not know anyone when she goes. We dont live in the catchment for the school most of her friends are going to, so no chance of changing. However i am going to look at the Steiner school next week to see if they can help, although i really do not believe in paying for school.
Just need someone to tell me there might be light at the end of the tunnel!

Sadly,no, in Bristol a lot of areas are completely oversubscribed and any secondary schools within 4 miles of here are catchment only. I am looking around Steiner next week

Hi Clare

I only managed to get my son to secondary school when I organised with th family of another boy he knew for us all to walk to school together. He then had someone he knew with him when h entered those school gates. Is the secondary school at all able to introduce you and your daughter to another new child that will be going to the school so that they can go in together that first day or two?

Hang in there....there is always a way forward and right now your daughter must be terrified and needs all the reassurance ini the world. Is there any way she can instead go to a school where she knows others or is this totally impossible? Just a thought.
Stay in touch
Linda

Hi Clare

We must have been posting at the same time. I also did not believe in sending my son to a paying school but when he could no longer keep going to his first secondary school, I decided that if I could afford it and it looked like working or my son liked it, then I'd nd him. There comes a time when one's own philosophy goes out the window. We actually visited w 7th day Adventist school that had w lovely pastoral approach but my son said he didn't feel comfortable with the kids he saw there. So his second school was again a government school but much smaller he just slipped through the welfare system at th first school of 1500 kids.
It is tough for you and I can sense your despair.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will begin to see glimpses of that along the way. No matter how small the steps are...all steps are good. Give your daughter some reassurance about things outside of school right now if you can.
Take care
Linda

Let us know how y go with the Steiner school. How big is the school? I did consider sending my son to Steiner but in th end he said he didn't want to go there as he knew no one. He did try one day at s community school and just doing that one day....I was so proud of him...but he didn't like the unstructured way things ran...he preferred more routine. So I know it is really hard for you when faced with what comes next ....and you may find the road ahead has many curves and bumps but my philosophy these days is that as long as there is a road and my son is somewhere on it...thrn that is ok.
Hear form you soon
Linda

Hello Claire.

My daughter is 15 now & missed 4 months of school earlier this year. Like your daughter, she was in a secondary school of 1500 children and found it daunting, though she seemed to be coping. The crunch came when they started GCSE options, she separated from her friends and was then subjected to low-level bullying. After that she developed really acute anxiety and stopped attending completely.

She now seems fine, having moved to a small private school which is very nurturing. Like you, I did not feel entirely comfortable with paying for education, but the change in her has been remarkable and I think her academic results will be fine ( definitely not the case had she stayed where she was).

Average class size is 10, the teachers can see what is going on and there are 500 children in the whole school (infants through to seniors). It's calm, structured and has a friendly, family feel, just what she needed. She's regained confidence and made friends already & to be honest, I wish I'd put her into this school from year 7.

So I would say don't hesitate to go down the private route, provided you can find a school that will suit your daughter's temperament.

I did seek help for the anxiety as well and it did help, however I think that will be a long term process.

All the best.

Thats great, so pleased your daughter has started to enjoy school again. Emily started Secondary on Thursday, first day went really well, a slght blip on Friday but she went off ok again today.
I just need to learn to stop living on my nerves!!!!

me again......please can someone advise if their child has had days when everything is ok, then for no reason the next is not. Had to take her in today again, so sad. I just don't understand why some days she is fine and other she is not.
It breaks my heart and is causing strife amongst the whole family

hi Clare

I hear your frustration and I know exactly what you are describing. my son used to be the same. Every week I would hope he'd just get used to going. There seems to be so many factors at play that cause these blips, from what is taught that day, if a teacher is away, if a project is due, a test, an expectition to do something in a group, a class presentation and so forth. I didn't always know till afterwards as he used to not tell me until later. But on other occasions, it was just that he woke up not feeling able to tackle th challenge. As he explained later, every day was a challenge and sometimes he just couldn't face it and other days he could. The main thing was he couldn't help it and it was not a behaviour issue.

It must be hard for your family members to know how to react or accept. Remember, education isn't everything, your daughter's mental health and happiness comes first. Can you perhaps do more family things that don't involve school or mention of it?
Sorry I don't have th answers but this sounds typical of school refusal. Hang in there, and make sure you do some things just for yourself to stay strong...there is always new doors opening and help out there somewhere.
Linda