Hi, Linda,

I haven't posted on here for a while but check in from time to time.

I'm so glad you've found somewhere new for your son that sounds like they understand where he is coming from. You both deserve a break. I hope you can also persuade your ex that your son has mental health needs and is not choosing to have difficulties with school. I cannot see why any young person would choose this path - it's so painful.

We had some respite in that my son attended (or often didn't!) a more sympathetic school and with their help and the local authority service for children out of school, he managed to get 5 GCSE's grade C and above this July.

He's now at college and started well but unfortunately got a virus which kept him off the second week and triggered his chronic pain syndrome response which made him miss the third week too. Now college are making unhelpful noises which is just ratcheting up the anxiety which dramatically raises his pain levels to the point where he can hardly move and then he just can't get in. We seem to be permanently stuck in catch 22 with this as he falls between health services aimed at either physical or mental health but not both together. In theory the 2 strands should be able to work together but in practice they don't which means he just gets discharged by both. Then education can't understand why nobody is seeing him and start quizzing me.

I think services that help school "refusers" in the UK are few and far between.

I really hope this new place is a start of something helpful and positive for your son and for you.

Thanks so much Leah for your support. My son has his first session today, so my fingers are crossed. We are very lucky here to have these few resources available but unfortunately they are few and far between. I think we are fortunate, however, to have more recognition of school refusal here in the past ten years. it has come with a lot more recognition of mental health generally as well as concern over the number of kids that just aren't coping with school and perhaps life generally. The schools themselves, just like in the UK, seem to offer very little support, so on that level are way behind. They still see it as something that has to be dealt with by the parents or as a behaviour issue. I can only hope for others that there is a more united link in the way of support for kids like ours.

Which brings me to your son. How wonderful that he got through and is now in college! For awhile there you didn't see that happening,did you. But I can hear your worry as time taken off turns into weeks and your son suffers the pain that he does, both physical and mental. One feeds the other by the sound of it. has he ever had cognitive behaviour therapy for both? From what I understand, it is very beneficial for mental and physical pain. How we train our brain to react to pain or anxiety can enable us to manage the pain. Your son is at an age now where he might take this on if given by the right person. I found maturity was an issue with my son in terms of what he was willing to do but also that not all professionals know how to actually teach cognitive behaviour therapy. They don't have to be high charging psychologists to use this method.

The other thing for your son which you may already have tried is Mindfulness. Not direct meditation as such, but again a mind changing pattern that gets us into the immediate moment and aware of our surroundings rather than concentrating on the 'what ifs' and the pain. I have found this very useful myself when I feel the stress rising and also with my migraines. Just being aware of where I am and things around me and living in the immediate here and now, didn't make the pain of the migraine worse, as I thought it might, but allowed my brain a slight shift of focus. Doesn't get rid of a migraine but alliows the passage to recovery to be less painful and distressing. Once again you can find those who offer this kind of Mindfulness and those who do more meditation. either might be beneficial to your son? Interestingky, the school refusal program we are attending say they also use some Mindfulness and cognitive behaviour techniques.
My ex completely rubbishes Mindfulness as he says 'why would I want to live in the moment, the moment is too stressful'.!! he completely misunderstands what the moment is......perhaps he might learn from this program.

I am sure your son will come through Leah. Gosh it has been a tough road for you too. How are you coping in all this? are you able to do something that is just for you on a regular basis? Hang in there, you have done a wonderful job supporting your sons through all of this. Take care
Linda