Hi,

I am new to this forum, but I am at the end my my tether!
My 11 year old son has always been anxious, and we have gone through spells in primary school where it was difficult to get to school - but he always managed to go. He has just started a new secondary school, with a couple of his friends from his old primary school. the first day at his new secondary school he refused to go in, and ran. Things have pretty much gone downhill from there. My husband and I have managed to get him to school everyday, but he hasn't always stayed. And one day he didn't get in until almost 3 o clock in the afternoon. I dread every morning. He has something new he is worried about everyday, a different teacher, lesson or will he be allowed to go to the toilet. For the schools part, they are doing everything to support him. They hVe arranged for my son to see a counsellor, they have given him a note so he can be excused from lessons to visit the bathroom, and have let him miss lessons that he finds particularly stressful. But even these steps have made no difference to my son.
This week I took him to school and he ended up with my husband and I literally carrying him into school, with him screaming crying and saying he was going to hurt himself. Since then my husband had taken him to school on his own, and he has gone in ok. But before he leaves my son is crying and telling me he can't do it.
I am told when he is at school he is fine. He has friends, and comes out everyday seemingly quite happy.
Today is a school trip and my son is adement that he cannot cope with this. The school don't seem very happy, but have said he cN spend the day in the library. But I have to get him there.
He is also not going out with his friends unless it is for a short time, or he knows he has an escape route, I.e me picking him up. He will have friends over to our house all the time without any anxiety.
I have been to my doctor, and got a referral to camhs, for next Feb! I think I make the problem worse, I try and remain calm and positive to my son, but he does seem to be s lot worse when it is me taking him to school. I don't know what to do or where to go for help. If anyone has any advice, it would be gratefully received.

Hello,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am an occasional visitor to these message boards and all I can say is that there does not appear to be one answer and we all have to muddle through trying to find the best path that we can.

My son, now 16, has health problems (chronic pain syndrome, pain amplification) that are greatly exacerbated by anxiety and this has lead to him not being able to cope with school for most of his secondary school years. He's just left and started college. I didn't find an answer that made him able to reliably go into school> Although he's been absent much more than he's been in, he's managed to scrape enough of an education to get onto his Btec course so even though it looked hopeless at times, and other people told us it was hopeless, it is possible to get through it.

To stay sane yourself, you have to try not to get emotionally charged up by the situation. I know this is much easier said than done and I certainly failed many times but getting distressed, angry or frustrated doesn't help. When my son was 10 and at junior school, I tried carrying him in with my husband. It just increased the anxiety and lead to panic attacks where he was struggling to breathe. We gave it up after 2 days and refused to try it again. Really by the time they are at secondary school this isn't a viable option for getting children into school. I'm not sure it's ever a good strategy but I recognise your desperation and, like you I was pressurised into thinking it might be a good idea.

We also had people tell us to "be more firm" or to take away any activities or things that gave him pleasure. Attempts to do this just made matters worse as my son wasn't being deliberately awkward and didn't want to feel the way he did. It can be difficult to keep to your principles when others question your parenting abilities but do not be pushed into doing anything that does not feel right for you as a family.

It's great that the school are being sympathetic. This really helps. Is there a person in school that your son relates to that he can talk to or go to when things are bad? I'm not sure what is happening or where he is going when he misses lessons with the school's permission. Hopefully, he isn't being left in the library each time. I'm not sure spending a day in the library when the trip is on is the best idea, unless there are classes running in there at the same time.

CAMHS might be able to help with the anxiety but as you've discovered by the long wait to see them, they are very overstretched. In some areas CAMHS are great, in others less so. Hopefully the counsellor from school can help while he is on the waiting list.

Try to be kind to yourself while this is going on. Is it possible for your husband to keep taking your son in most mornings or will this be a problem in the longer term?

Hi Jm

My heart goes out to you. I know just what you are talking about. And it is heart reaching and stressful
Just because your son will go in with your husband does not mean the anxiety is not there or managed. I found my son was just bottling it in more. He felt he could let it all our with me. So like you, I found it virtually impossible to get my son to school.

It seems that going to high school can trigger into bigger things , what you have already observed as being present at primary school. There is no easy answer, as Leah says. But her son gives us all hope that they will get there in the end.
It sounds like you need a lot more support for your son and yourself. Camhs is too far away...although keep the appointment.
Have you talked to your doctor? can you afford any private psychologist? Cognitive behaviour and mindfulness thinking are all good....if you son is willing to take it on. still waiting for my son at 16. But it is that change if thinking that will allow them to manage their anxiety.

School has so many things that trigger the anxiety. The expectations from peers, teachers, the school rules. Never knowing if the teacher might ask a question that you don't know. The 'what ifs' run riot. Your son probably finds he is not always able to pinpoint exactly why he feels like he does. And the getting there is the worst! Painting the worse case scenarios in their minds makes them just want to run away. Once there, the anxiety sits below the surface and they must learn to manage it to some degree. Which is why the experts do keep saying ' try and get them there'. But there comes a point as a parent, doesn't there, where you just know that the stress involved is not good for all involved.

It is good your son still has friends. No matter how he keeps that link, even with your help...that is great.
My son slowly lost contact with friends who went to other schools and didn't feel able to keep up the effort with new friends at th high school At 16 he now is home with no friends. So try to keep him socialising.
Medication is also something else that can be considered. And try not to feel that getting his education in one straight line is the only way. It might take diverging paths or bumpy roads, but with your support....he'll hang in there.

In looking back and thinking of the age of your son...it is vital that help of the right kind is there, but not always easy to access. My son did have some easier stretches and some ok times by getting support. See what you can find and look up UK parent partnership I think it is called and see if they can offer advice (the link is in the resource section in this website). Meanwhile embrace your son where he is right now. he will be feeling very overwhelmed by his feelings. Don't keep dragging him kicking and screaming into school. It is not worth it. Try a program of slow introduction back to school, if the school are willing. Perhaps one hour, then two etc If he feels too much attention is in him via that method then perhaps going to school with his friends in themorning might distract him?

Do things with him that don't mention school. Does he have a hobby? Build up his self esteem outside of school. The education will eventually come but it might not be via mainstream school.
And...do things just for you. You need your life and you need things to destress. sorry I don't have w magical answer. I wish there was one. But hang in there...have hope...and try and take the pressure off that we are made to think these days that to not go to school is a disaster. But not socialising can be very isolating. So keep that up. schools have to also provide work. So look into that and ask what the school can do if your son sometimes just can't make it. And see if there are alternative schools, support groups anywhere near by. Let us know how you are coping. Lots on here know exactly how you feel. You are not alone on your journey.
Take care.
Linda