school refusers


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School Refusal
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refusing school

My 12 year old son has been refusing school, just saya he does not like it at all. Head teacher came to the house with th welfare office but he barracaded himself in his room. Every time I mention school he gets really angry and says he is never going to any school again and he wants to do his work at home. But as a full time working single mum, this is not an option.

I have been setting him work at the moment which he does at my parents house for a couple of hours, but this cant be a perminant option.

He has always been a difficult child and had a temper, something is not quite right, but he refuses to go to the doctor. The school are refering him to someone, but I am still waiting. I dont know what to do next, the school keep marking him as non attender, and are not offering any other help. I dont want to get into trouble or fined as I have another child 15, she is no bother.

Re: refusing school

Hi Sally

Trying to respond to you.

Each time I write much it gets deleted as spam.

Will see if this gets through and alerts anyone.

Re: refusing school

Sorry Sallly - still cannot post full message. Have saved it and retried but it won't go past the spam filter. This keeps happening to me, and others, but I don't know why.

Re: refusing school

Hi Sally

Sorry to hear how things are with your son at the moment. It is so stressful for you - and I understand how it feels as a single parent as I am one myself.
Do you know if there has been any bullying? Has your son had any tests for autism or asperges? What is your gut feeling? Sometimes school refusal is just triggered by anxiety and there is nothing specific.
Is your son's father able to help in any way? Get him to try and go back to school (even part time or an hour and then building up)?

The school has an obligation to educate every child, even if they are not able to attend due to illness (physical or mental). So the school should be doing more than it is but this is often the typical story. Don't let them blame you or your son.

When you mentioned barricading himself in his room.....it brought back lots of memories!!
The only way I can think of getting him to go to the doctor is to stress (and if possible speak to the doctor beforehand) that this is 'not to force him back to school' but to see if there is anything the doctor can help him with his frustration or anger or think of something else. It is important that the doctor then doesn't launch into a' you have to be at school' talk.

I don't have a miracle answer Sally. Just know that you are not alone. There are lots of us out here who know exactly how you feel and know what you are going through. Steps that some of us have probably taken at your son's age include the following:
1. appointment with CAHMS
2. Visit Doctor
3. Visit school - dress up - take folder....demand to know what 'they' are going to do. Suggest flexibility, a safe place, staggered return to school, someone to meet with your son every day, and a fall back if he can't make even some small steps to return. What will THEY do to provide work for him at home until further support is forthcoming.
4. Take notes and keep all correspondence with the school and any support. Make your own diary entries. This can all be used later to prove you are doing all you can to get your son to attend or stay educated. Document what the school hasn't done in regard to this.
5. Embrace and accept your son where he is now. He can't help how he feels.
6. Think of things outside of school that can boost your son's confidence and self esteem.
7. Try contacting groups such as Parent Partnership (they have regional groups) - see resource section or just google them.
7. Take time out for yourself to get your own energy back during the stress.

Hang in there. You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances ,
Take care and let us know how you get along.
Linda

Re: refusing school

Hello Linda, I found your reply to Sally to be helpful. I would add directly approach the school servo. I did this (the school didn't mention it) and her level of understanding is spot on as she has met los of children with this problem it means they've agreed occasional attendance in a pastoral room, offered early lunch passes to avoid crowds, will get the work from teachers sent in (sadly my daughter's anxiety levels are so high she doesn't do class work just doodles for the moment), and they offered to talk through cbt techniques (she's unable to do this so they give us the book for home). We're hoping that by going in she will be able to increase but it is early days and so far it doesn't look good. She's not doing any school work. She's exhausted after being there for a few hours. We are awaiting to hear back from camps referral but I've heard it will be months.

Sally, you are not alone. How are things now?

Re: refusing school

Hi Josie

Sounds like you have been through quite a bit lately, going by your other posting as well.

Did you mean Servo or Senco? I got the impression Servos were more looking out for the welfare of abused and neglected students (students at immediate risk?) If they do more than this, it is good news as you need as many as possible to help the welfare of our school refusal kids. Can you update us on whether they are in all schools across the UK or only where numbers/staffing allow? And if you meant Senco, can you let others on th forum know if they are in all schools and if not, how might they access the service?
I have not heard anyone else in the forum mention them, so good to share if you know how to tap into support from either.

I'll re read your other post and see if I can think of any other things that we went thought that might help.
take care and if you can..seek some help for you and your husband as it is a tough journey and stretches our emotions well beyond any normal scale!
Linda

Re: refusing school

Hi Linda,

I'm still here reading through all the posts - it's comforting but frightening! Thank you for your great replies to my posts. It's amazing having communication with somebody who understands. I've found over the years our daughter's problems isolate me from my own socialising. I do know a few friends who have children older than mine and they understand as they've been through similar. Sadly the children of my friends really struggled and I find it daunting knowing what may lie ahead (in these instances referral to hospital school and self harm). What these children said when younger is what my daughter says now at that age.

I've known for years my daughter needed help. All through primary school right up to year 7 she put on a mask for her teachers and they would never guess she was sitting there with anxiety and feeling light headed with a numb hand. The mask slipped in social time - unstructured - and she found breaktimes hard. In year 7 the mask was firmly in place and she even had me fooled. During primary the build up of frustration spilled out at home. Because she behaved well in school overall she didn't qualify for camhs support throughout primary, sadly they ignored the very obvious emotional/social problems which she needed constant support for.

Before starting school there were no problems or indicators. Happy, highly sociable, made friends easily, a very easy baby and little girl. No problems at nursery or old-school.

My daughter was so happy to start primary school but it went wrong immediately. In Reception she was placed with a friend from nursery but that friend decided she didn't want to be her friend anymore. Worse still she excluded her and got a group of girls doing the same. My daughter was in bits in the first week and on it went. She still spoke about her hurt about this friend in year4. In y1 she was in a group of 4. She was bullied in y1 and y2 by a girl in her group. The others stuck up for her but as it continued the children got used to it and my daughter had an awful time. My daughter had to leave the group and never got over her friends staying with the bully. The school handled it badly plus the bully was quite exceptional in that she continued to bully loads of children in all different school years and by year 4 they had to work hard with her. In years 3 and 4 my daughter was giving tips to other children who were being bullied by this girl!!

In y3 my daughter was paranoid about being judged and people whispering about her. Playtime were awful.

In year 4 I arranged for the learning mentor to do anger management with her because she was so angry at home about school relationships (immediate improvement and relief for her). Also in y4 a new girl joined and after 6 months they were best friends. In year 5 another new girl joined and they became a group of 3...you know what's coming!! There were constant fallouts. My daughter always felt like the 3rd wheel and she often got told that one of them had said something horrible.

During y5 she avoided going outside at break times and sat inside with a learning mentor who had been supporting her. Often her 2 friends joined her indoors. In y5 she also saw a visiting school counsellor for one hour per week. She had found it hard avoiding questions from all the kids about going for sessions with the learning mentor, but the questions increased so much when she saw the counsellor that it undermined the support. After 8 sessions she didn't want to continue but they definitely helped.

Her learning mentor with whom she'd connected left in y6 and my daughter decided to go it alone without support in preparation for her move to high school y7. She did brilliantly. Her group of 3 became 2 and for the first time she looked forward to socialising after school. Then a school residential in the summer term brought huge problems. She shared a room with her best friend who seemed to turn on her and talk about her badly to another group of girls. My daughter hung around with the teachers. The last few weeks of school were painful for her as ex best friend spread horrible untrue stories about her.

She looked forward to meeting new people in y7. She found all the kids who were the only ones from their school. Even had a boyfriend for 2 weeks (he came alone too!!) And even went to the y7 disco (she had stopped going to school discos in y4). Throughout this time her ex best friend found a new friend and targeted her - in lessons and breaktimes. The ex best friend started the vicious rumours again. School process was good and it did stop but I had to go in twice as it restarted and she was persistent. One week after it stopped my daughter heard one of the nasty stories that she'd circulated and that's when she broke down - the straw that broke the camel's back. She then described her fear of people, people judging her, the noise, the roughness in corridors, her fast beating heart and her fear of fainting. Since that moment for the first time in her life she can't get around her anxiety and go to lessons.

In primary she knuckled down in class to do the best for her teacher and it got her through the day. In y7 she's been tormented in class by ex best friend and another, and there is more class noise so she's been unable to concentrate. Plus lots of class changes in crowded corridors. Her coping mechanism to get through the day isn't working any more.

As the problems for my daughter began when she started primary school and her character changed so much, we don't know if it is because of bad social experience or school itself ???

Outside of school she is a girl guide and done plenty of camps with no problems - no anxiety at guides. Never done after school clubs - she couldn't wait to escape.

I've found it useful reading through other people's situations so I hope this is useful. And Linda you have such a knowledge bank you might be able to come back with something about her experience. I'll reply to your other post tomorrow and also the one about the Senco - sorry for confusion I had mispelt it.

It's after 3am I need to try and sleep. Sweet dreams everyone.

Re: refusing school

Wow Josie...I thought I was the long poster! You have beaten me by far and no wonder - that is one long story to tell. And such an awful theme of bullying. Kids are just so cruel and teachers seem unable to act quick enough or do enough early enough. I felt sad reading your post and can imagine how hard it has been for you to see your girl go through this....

Forming a picture from your story - do you think that your daughter has had social interaction issues and this is what the kids have picked on? What is your gut feeling about what they might have picked on? It might lead to finding ideas to help in future situations or socialising generally. No wonder she has given up on friends....they were not friends!

There was someone on the forum who posted a lot in the past who started a separate forum for parents of kids that were bullied. I will see if I can locate the contact - or have a look in the resource section on the website and it might be there.

No wonder your poor daughter does not want to go to school. So you have so many issues to deal with....and it must be hard to know which road to take forward.
So again - gut feeling - and if being at school doodling not doing any good - then doing some work at home might be more beneficial. She may, however, have no motivation until her self esteem improves.
My son also hated himself and everyone and wished he'd never been born....and wished he was dead....so it is a dreadful state of mind they find themselves in and takes very small steps to improve. But with our support, and any professionals, they do move forward.

Do something for yourself! Easier said than done I know! I started doing artwork again and it has been a saviour - just throwing myself into the artwork for even an hour is very therapeutic. I also lost friends of parents at the primary school - they did not understand and they just thought I was a bad mum or too soft. My friends now also have children with issues - whether it be mental health or physical. We understand each other and support each other with mornings out for well needed cups of coffee!! See if you can spot someone else in need and offer to take them for a coffee - it might be just what you both need.

I'll see what else I can find out re the website for bullying.
Take care - and hang in there - you are a good mum and doing all you can : )
Linda