my 13 year old refuses to go to school this started when she was in year 7 when she was 11 always refusing and getting into trouble when she was there so in the end i took her out just before the easter holidays when she was till in year 7 and home educated her for a while, she then decided she wanted to go back to school but the school she was originally in didnt wanna take her back on so she went to another school on a managed move but hated it so i fought to get her back into her original school and they did take her back on a year after i took her out, shes in year 9 now and hates it her attendance is less than 50 percent and she gets into trouble then she gats a detention then she refuses to do that so they then try and put her in isolaction for the day she then refuses to do that so they exclude her, all the school wanna do is try and put her in a naughty kids school but she refuses that as well any advice ?

Hello Sam,

Sorry that life is so difficult for you and your daughter. It sounds like you've been doing a lot to try to sort things out over the years. It gets exhausting and while it's all worth it when things improve, it can get demoralizing when you're going through such a rough patch.

Was your daughter generally happier when she was home educated? Does she have friends in school, outside school, both or neither? She seems quite unhappy with life generally and I just wondered if there was a big difference between being in and out of school.

My son, now 16, probably stayed too long at his first, unsympathetic school, didn't really get on with home education and managed to complete his last 15 months of secondary education at a much more helpful school. He's much more likely to withdraw than act out but both responses can be a result of anxiety. The difficulty is that teenagers who get into trouble are usually just seen as naughty, which is what seems to be happening to your daughter.

Assuming you are in England, I gather your daughter's school wants to refer her to a Pupil Referral Unit (PRU). These can be good for a range of children, not just "naughty" ones so it might be worth checking it out. I know you said your daughter doesn't want to go but you might be able to visit without her and get a feel for the place. PRU staff have more time to work out what makes individual children tick and are committed to working with them through difficult times rather than just moving them on.

Have either of the schools suggested counselling (in school or via GP)? Does your daughter talk to you or anyone else about how she is feeling?

It's gone fairly quiet on this board recently but everyone who posts here knows what it's like.

Hi Sam

How are things going? We didn't hear back from you since your post. It is tough and takes time to find anyone who understands.
Leah has provided some good advice. Have you been able to follow up on any of that?
It is sometimes hard to separate out what is seen as teenage behaviour and what is an underlying condition. But usually there is something causing the behaviour.

Do you think your daughter is suffering from anxiety or do you think something else is bothering her? Is there any issue she is grappling with that might be making her be this way? Any bullying or out downs? Does she have any learning issues? Any signs of dyslexia? She is not naughty, schools just put it in that category as they usually do not have the time or resources to find out what the real problem is. They often have to be pushed on this.

Schools do have a legal responsibility to provide work if your daughter is diagnosed with a physical, medical or mental health issue.
By giving detention and using isolation, they are not addressing the problem. Has anyone from the school sat down and discussed what the issues might be and worked out a plan with your daughter? Is there a coordinator or school principal that you feel you can talk to about addressing the welfare of your daughter rather than treating it as a discipline/behaviour issue? You can explain that by reacting to her in the way they are, whilst you know they are following rules and doing their job, it is just making your daughter worse. Punishment is the opposite of what she needs. Ask the school what support they can put in place for your daughter as you are afraid of her dropping out of school completely.

Let us know how you are getting on.
Take care
Linda
PS Leah- goood to have a posting from you again. How are things? Sounds like things are running along somewhat better.