Hi, My 12 year old has had intermittent school refusal for a couple of years now. We have moved her to a really good, small school with a very supportive special ed teacher. But even still, she is only going about 30 percent of the time. I am wondering if parents have had success with helping your child back into a school pattern by allowing them to go half days for a while? How do you negotiate that with your child and with the school? My daughter does have mental health problems, but she is getting support from providers. I think she just gets somewhat lazy, or maybe it is more of a phobia.
Thanks for any comments.

I am in the same situation with my year 7 son. My son is, after 2 months not going to school, almost on the point of trying to go back. I am wondering how to manage this process too, so hope some other posters may have some suggestions. He's very anxious about it.

Hi,

Just wanted to share that we have now had two successful half days of school for our daughter. The half days allow her to prepare mentally for the challenge, and then to not be so immersed in things for too long. She was very successful at this, and we have heard of other parents who have made the same arrangement even for a long time.

Best wishes for your son. Maybe you could even have him go for one hour and then take him out for a nice relaxing lunch at his favorite place. That said, I know that parent work schedules make this a very difficult thing. We are having to hire a driver, and it is not cheap. But we see this as a temporary transition.

Again, hope things smooth out.

Maia

Hi Maia,

That's fantastic to hear and that's a good idea to have smaller chunks to time there and rewards for achieving it. I have had a good morning with my son this am, where we've drawn up a mind map of thoughts around return to school. He was able to clarify 3 main worries: will he get detention for not being able to complete certain work while absent, would the teachers be all over him, fussing and drawing attention to him, and how would he handle other kids questions about where he's been.

As I've been practising CBT techniques since this all started 3 months ago, I was able to show him how his 3 worry words (WORRIED, ANXIOUS AND EXCITED about return to school) could also be changed to "A BIT CONCERNED, A BIT BOTHERED, AND RATHER HAPPY" We discussed how reducing the high level emotion from the words themselves kept his feelings on a more even keel and reduced the stress. We then homed in on the 3 key worries and gave them a score of very likely to unlikely, and this helped him see they were either not a big deal, or we could action things to improve them.

I detail all this in hope it may help others. Reading this forum last night really helped me feel less alone, and also less worried about him returning and then it unravelling again. Because that is in the future and therefor e not worth worrying about. What a journey parenting is

Hi Maia

I really hope your daughter continues to be able to deal with the short attendence times. This is good to hear. This certainly works for some kids but not all of course. I know just what stress you are under and how hard this is for your family and your daughter.
Kate's info about the Cognitive behaviour techniques she uses with her son sound like simething your daughter can benefit from too.
Apart from agreeing to the part time return, what support is the school giving you and your daughter?
Don't forget to take some 'me' time out for you too and do as many self esteem building activities with your daughter as you can.
Hear again from you soon.
Take care
Linda

Hi,

Anabel is still going strong with the half days, and we are so grateful. Yes, she sees a therapist regularly for mental health concerns. She is adopted, and we also struggle with attachment issues.

I like the idea of esteem building for kids. I wish I knew more skills in that area, and concrete activities and efforts I could make.

If any parents know of resources for esteem building, let me know. The school has been great. She has an IEP, and the special ed teacher simply bends over backwards to accommodate her. We are really grateful for the school efforts toward our daughter.

Maia

Hi Maia,

A website called "get self help" is very useful. Things are calm and so much happier here at home, but as his return to school date nears (21st March) I can sense him waivering in his enthusiasm to be back there. It is such an ongoing battle, though battle's no longer the right word for how it is at home now. I almost feel it's like not going to school, once experienced, it's very hard for kids not to see it as the easiest option, so it will always lurk in the back ground. I manage how I deal with this with CBT techniques taught by a counsellor that CAMHs referred me to. It's a massive help, as I was making it worse being so stressed about it, which he then got stressed seeing me stressed!! Now the house is calm and I am less stressed, I can cope better with any up or down without panicking. I have come to the realisation that at 12, I can no longer control my child going to school if he refuses. It doesn't matter if my friends kids go in happily - life is long and all manner of ups and downs they'll go through too. My main focus is his mental and emotional wellbeing, without which he can't just go back and be fine. He's refusing to do the school work they've sent home right now, which is annoying, but I'm staying cool about it (not not bothered, just not wound up). Today I'll keep trying to engage him on things like child friendly mindfulness and coping with challenge in life, and see how that goes. If all else fails I'll just ban his PS4 and anything fun and keep steering back to school work or emotion strengthening work. It's not how I thought parenting would be but it's our normal now.

I've just started reading a book called "hymn of the tiger daughter", and it's giving me great comfort! I sound like a bit of a hippy but it's only since all this started that I've had to totally change my attitudes!!

Hello kate, I found your post whilst feeling frazzled and panicked. Reading it made me feel calmer. I am at the beginning, one month into school refusal by my year 7 daughter. Things in general have escalated quickly for her. She's thrown her mobile phone today to try and break it to avoid contact with her friends. She is scared of people. This has started to impact on her going out and about. She feels unsafe going on walks now and has anxiety when in any public place. She managed to go in every other day for a few hours last week with the help of the school senco. She sits in a pastoral building and doodles. Whilst academically bright she is unable to focus on work because of her anxiety. By the time she leaves she's ill and has to sleep. She needs a day recovery in order to try again the day after. She had emotional problems in primary but as she was well behaved in class they never flagged it as serious. I fought for support and she had it every year with learning mentors, and a visiting counsellor for year 5. We here very relieved that she was managing in Year 7, despite fallouts with her ex best friend who bullied her. School intervened and she seemed to be coping. Suddenly overnight she had an anxiety attack and was so ill I thought she was having a breakdown. The GP said probably a virus but made a camhs referral. Today has been a very bad day. She's has carried the stress the whole day of going in for 2hours tomorrow. I feel she's too ill to go in but I worry if she doesn't that will be it. As a family it has been stressful through her primary years due to letting out all her school frustrations at home (extreme behaviour and aggression) and now with school anxiety of not being able to go in without illness, it is very difficult. I'm trying to put academic worry to one side. She is refusing to engage with any help at school level. One of the symptons is not feeling able to talk about it. She does to me in detail, including how it would be better if she'd never been born. I'm not doing a great job of handling the situation. Recently she is getting very angry again. My husband is finding it hard dealing with it on such a daily basis after so many years of trying to support her. The camhs referral hasn't come through yet. There are months of waiting lists. I feel very worried for her and concerned for all family members. I just needed to offload! My stress levels are too high. I need to be in the position that you are in now. I need to learn cbt, change my whole approach to calm the entire house whilst being the sound board for her ranting and anger. I never thought parenting would be like this. My son in Year 5 is a different character and we also work hard at making sure he has enough positive attention and experiences.

Hi Josie

I can feel your stress! I know exactly how you are feeling and it is just so emotionally draining and frustrating, isn't it!? The toll on everyone can be very high at times.
It brings back many memories. Hang in there and know you are definately not alone.

Apart from reassuring you that there is light at the end if the tunnel, I guess the main thing I found was acceptance. Once I accepted that there was a mental health issue to deal with, it helped my son enormously. It is hard to get to that point when your daughter is in the middle if smashing her phone for example, but she must be feeling just so incredibly frustrated that she cannot express it in any other way. My son threw things around his room at one stage and that did include his iPad. I recall reading of someone's daughter on here who put her fist through a wall. All scary stuff to see in our own kids, isn't it. But over time you can make a shift in your acdeptance and if the whole family can get to that point, the household at least might be less tumultuous!

Do you think the bullying was the trigger? Is there by any chance a learning or socialising issue at the core of that? Our kids tend to be on the bright side I notice but there can be some perfectionism which results in expectations too high from themselves and also what they perceive as coming from teachers and peers. and sometimes there are things like dyslexia or aspergers that is mild and has been under the radar. Or there can be no apparent reason, just the way the brain is wired up and falls into deep grooves of avoidance when things get tough.

CBT is great for the whole family and the other thing I found essential for myself was Mindfulness. Not as a yoga type meditation but purely as a thought tool, to bring me back to the here wnd now and not let the over thinking ttake over.

Do a google search and see what you can find. Someone on the forum recently mentioned on line self help. There are also mindfulness apps that might help your daughter too. Give her lots of hugs or just touch her arm and tell her you do understand that life has turned upside down and you will do all you can to turn it the right way up again so she will feel better. Let her know that you love her and anything you do and say is with that in mind and that sometime it might seem you don't 'get it' but you are at least trying to.

My son started medication at about your daughters age but this first one didn't help. The new medication this year has helped. it can be worthwhile looking into with your doctor.

We are not entirely out if the wildernes yet, infact my son has not been in today or last Friday! But his amazing attendance otherwise, his setting up of facebook, resulting in catching up with old friends has been amazing.
In the past my son also rejected all friends and hated meeting anyone, going out of the house and so forth. He moved through that patch but he did not have any interaction with friends for over 18 minths. People would try and tell me this would mean he'd find it impossible to make friends again .but it doesn't mean that. Our kids need to find who they are again, regain their self esteem, and then they can reach out to others. Friendships at their age are two way...so no wonder they feel the need to withdraw. As adults, true friends will come to us in need. It takes time for that to seem to kick in with young people. So family is everything.

Can you find something she is really intersted in that she can feel in charge of and in control of? It might be cooking, watching sport, playing a particular computer game, drawing, photography writing songs? Photography was the only constant throughout some of the toughest times.

Sorry for my long posts! My heart does go out to you and I can feel the pain that you and your family are under and I wish I could offer a magic wand or pill!!
Education does not have to be in a straight line. Can you homeschool perhaps?

Get some support for yourself and your husband if you can. You are going through a lot more than anyone else with a teenager, and it can take its toll on individuals and relationships, especially if you don't see eye to eye. Don't see this as going on forever..the road is never straight with school refusal...lots of twists and turns. But any small streps are great steps for our kids...and your daughter will take those steps eventually with the suport from you and any professionals.

Let us know how you go in the next few weeks and remember, we are here to support you at any time 😊
Linda