Hi, I am really hoping you guys can help. I am having trouble getting my 12 year old daughter into school. She was bullied in primary school (the head wasn't very helpful) but we managed to work through. She started secondary school last september and everything seemed fine (glowing reports from teachers and she was made a deputy head girl for year 7). The back end of Jan this year she started complaining of tummy pains and having an upset tummy ir headaches. Feb was okay (2 days off) but not without having major melt downs on other days where she went in. Same again in march a few days off. She was fine during april and was fine going on her school camping trip for three days. However, May was a complete blowout. Refusing school saying she had tummy pains feeling sick etc. Always promising she would go to school the following day. Emotional melt downs, begging me not to send her to school. Trying to bargain with me saying if she can stay off school on X day that she would go in for the rest of the week etc.

She says she is lonely and has no friends and says no-one likes her(a.biy in her form kindly told her that no-one liked her). Her primary school friend has dropped her like a bad penny and has started hanging around with rhe "cool" kids. I constantly fight to get her into school. Have spoken to the school but they have not been any help. Have spoken to my gp and have an appointment to see her with my daughter. I am a gibbering wreak.

Please help.

Hi Janine

So sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds so familiar! I know exactly how you feel, it is terribly stressful, isn't it. My son used to be just like that (we are not out of the woods yet...but on a better path).
Going to the GP is a good idea. The school should be helping but often they don't take this seriously enough through lack of understanding,
My son is now on medication which helps. Cognitive behaviour therapy also helps but sometimes they need the medication to help them do that.

Has your daughter been assessed by camhs? It can take a few months on a waiting list I undersrand. Is there a teacher or coordinator that you know might understand? See if you can arrange a meeting again and go well prepared with notes about your daughter's symptoms, the bullying, the time absent etc. Don't let them try and blame you. It is a mental health issue and they need to understand. It is an anxiety disorder, not just a few nerves or misbehaviour...make sure they understand that. If there is still bullying, the school is responsible. Perhaps they can work out a program of her going for half days or building up from an hour to two etc. It is a slow process, so don't let them rush you.

I found accepting that my son couldn't help it was of great benefit to him and eased some of his stress levels, and my own. It also allowed him to accept he had anxiety. Try and do things with your daughter outside of school so that she can build up some self esteem. Would she join a group, sport, music, art? Or is she avoiding all social contact?

I guess a summary from my own experience:
1) try to get CAMHS assessment,
2) meet with the school and ask what they will do for your daughter as it is a mental health issue and they legally have to provide work for when she is absent.
3) take notes of symptoms, absences and what the school does or doesn't do,
4) embrace your daughter where she is and tell her you'll find a way to make things feel better for her
5) look at possible options of smaller school, homeschooling?
6) do things with your daughter to build her self esteem and
7) take time out for yourself regularly, do a hobby or meet with a friend, to recharge your batteries.

Hope this is of some help. Let us know how the doctor goes and ask as many questions or cry for help on here as you like, we are all with you, and hoping things improve soon. There will be a way forward for you.
Take care
Linda

As always, Linda has provided some really good advice to something that we have been battling with over the years.

Understanding that this is a mental health problem seems hard, but is actually helpful in the longer term - assuming that no magic wand is waved. Your daughter won't want to be told that, nor want to think that her friends might think that, but it certainly helped us look for the right support.

A very important part of this process is looking after yourself, and other members of the family. You cannot help your daughter if you are exhausted. Nor can you support others if you are worn to a frazzle.

The law requires that you educate your child, so get the teachers to set some work. It may not get done, but it demonstrates that you are trying to fulfil that role.

Get your daughter to complete a diary, pictorially or written, every time she refuses to go into school. And keep one yourself.

Janine, this is a long, slow and difficult process. Few seem to understand, or admit, that this is a problem. But there will be folk here for you when you need to let off steam, or seek support.

Simon

Thank you. I spoke to her year manager again this week (but not after me chasing her). She gave me the impression that she is fed up with my daughter going to see her and kept telling me that I should take time to talk to my daughter (which I do regularly as we have a very close bond). She then told me that my daughter should count herself lucky that she has parents she can spend time with as there are many kids who don't have that. I did find her comments a bit unhanded and that she was blaming me for her not wanting to go to school and that I wasn't being tough enough (believe you me if she could be a fly on the wall in the mornings I think she would see what I have to contend with) and that I am a soft touch and pandering to her upset She has (by the tone in her voice) reluctantly now refered my daughter to the school counsellor and heard her say (as she was typing) "mum is having difficultly in coping/dealing with her daughter". Thats fine but why say it out loud when typing it. I also get the impression that she thinks my daughter is just "bunking off". I actually have a good mind to email the assistant head telling her my experience with the school and that this isn't just a case of bunking off. My daughter is a worrier and worries about school constantly. I have noticed this week that her positive marks have gone right down (they have a rewards and consequences system and most weeks prior to this bout of anxiety my daughter was averaging between 17 and 20 positives, but this week has only received 1) and my daughter has already told me she has not been able to concentrate at school. I may also email her form tutor and let him know what has been going on

What do you think

Janine

Hi Janine

This is so typical of some school staff and so annoying. It is too easy for them to blame - and so blame they do. And usually it is aimed at the mother for being too soft. I used to get this too - and it is so demoralising - I felt so small. The only way I could manage these meetings was to dress up and carry a big notebook or folder under my arm and start with 'so what is the school going to do for us' kind of attitude. Otherwise - they just jump in and won't listen and make the situation worse by not seeing this for what it is.
Don't let them blame you - you are doing all you can. And as you say - they cannot see what you do in a morning!
If you can - give them documentation from the internet- or even from this site - that explain what school refusal is and that it is an anxiety 'disorder' not just a child having some anxiety that will shift more easily. And they must not see this as a behaviour issue - this is a mental health issue. Tell them that there are associations set up to help these children and that the school owes it to your daughter to assist.

It is good you are finally referred to the school counsellor - or at least your daughter is. If your daughter cannot get there - go yourself - and that way you can also state what the real situation is and ask for direct help for your daughter and not have the focus on whether you are a soft parent or not. You would not be at the school asking for help if you were just a soft parent and let your daughter stay home. But they don't seem to get that!!
Mention Cognitive Behaviour therapy and ask the counsellor if they will try this.
Let us know what happens after your daughter sees the counsellor. And push again if no meeting has actually been set up.
DOn't forget to do something for yourself this weekend : )
Linda

i am new to this blog so don't know if i am replying to the correct message but i have a 12 year old daughter with school refusal and we have been struggling for over a year with minimal attendance
it is absolutely devastating and i never realised that school was such a pillar of our lives.When it has been taken away it has collapsed us all in a way that has shrunk all our lives.
I live in the Middle East and we have had an amazing time travelling the world and all the goes along with ex pat life.All of the movement has meant she has been to a few schools but it was the transition from primary to secondary which seems to be causing the biggest trigger in her anxiety related school refusal.And it is anxiety which cripples her.Intially i thought it was just bad behaviour ..what child wants to go to school and we tried every level of parenting to deal with it....nothing worked.We then went to play therapists ,counsellors and our own therapy as we began to think it was all our fault.
im a working mum so i thought of giving up work but as the main breadwinner this wasn't feasible ...every solution we could think of we tried.Currently my husband is dragging her around school
in England in the hope that it is the environment here that is the problem but i suspect it isn't.
i saw a picture on Instagram last night of a party with all her primary school friends who looked so grown up and my heart broke...she hasn't been to a school party for a year.
We need all the help we can get and any support we can get here or elsewhere we would be so grateful.Noone really understands until they are in the situation...i avoid the mums now because i can see them look at me in a quizzical way when i say she still isn't in school.I can feel the judgement and the view yet again that we should just push her in!...been there done that ...cant do it anymore

Fiona

Hi Fiona

Welcome to our little group on here. Everyone knows exactly how you feel. Don't let the judging get you down, remember they have no idea what you go through. Too easy to blame as they think it is just a few nerves! I used to get that too and it used to break my heart watching other kids walk to achool past our house and seeing all the mums waiting at the school and the kids running out. I never ever did get the hug good bye as my son went into school or the running out excited. Pretty morose with the tears at the begining and anger at the end of the day if he attended. So I know exactly where you are coming from.

What helped me and my son was when I accepted this as a mental health issue and not a behaviur issue and embraced my son where he was at the time. Easier said than done with all the pressures, but remember, school does not have to be in a straight line. Your daughter's self esteem is most important now and you can work on that just as a family. Find something she likes and use that as encouragement outside school. It might only be something small...a game she likes, a group she follows or baking...anything you can think of. Looking back on those times with my son I recall that baking was something he enjoyed at one point and forgot about his anxiety and lack of attendance at school. He loved watching the Great British Bakeoff and found Mary Berry comforting....so I just let him bake as many souffles (nice for me too!) as he wanted and took photos and made an album with them. This later did help when he tried attending school. Other than that he was a mad soccer fan, so following the matches and the Premier League was good for his interests. I do not know in hindsight but I suspect if I had just focused on school all the time, he would never have got out of the house for a lot longer. Don't worry about the parties...they do go by the wayside, as do visits to friend's homes etc. If your daughter is comfortable connecting with others via Facebook that is good, as long as you can tell if there is any bullying?

Do you think there was a specific incident or just the transition to secondary school? Was there any bullying?
Any help from professionals especially with CBT is well worth pursuing. If things don't improve, don't rule out medication, but try other things first. Your daughter is probably feeling bewildered about her reaction to school as my son used to describe it as 'a feeling of dread' rather than anything specific. If you can get your daughter to face a few other things she may have abandoned, that will help her to realise she can break through the barriers sometimes. I kind of wish I had done a bit more if that but when you are in the middle if it, hard to know which way to turn, isn't it.

Don't blame yourself....for some reason this hits our kids and then schools become impossible. Is there any on-line schooling for ex pats? Here in Australia we have a Distant Education system for people travelling or living overseas. When my son accessed this program last year was they told me that they had recently doubled in numbers and now the majority of students we not those travelling or in theatre etc but suffering anxiety and depression and no longer able to attend school. If there is nothing specific in the UK, is there anything for any other country you might be able to enquire about?
Can you find some tutors to keep up the maths and English?
There is light at the end of the tunnel. Some kids turn a corner sooner than my son but my son has gained a lot of confidence, now attends a college ( although we recently went through a bad patch when he got behind). He is expert at avoidance and a perfectionist who irrationally seems to believe failing from not doing something is better than failing because it was wrong. Is your daughter in any way like this? CBT can help change this and the earlier you can start this the better.

Hang in there. Live in the moment and trust that with help your daughter will start to find herself again. Small steps are good.
Let us know if you find anything on line that might help. Are you able to return to the UK yourself or are you hoping this sorts itself out whilst you are living in the Middle East? Does your daughter have any old friends she can try and re connect with?
All the best and remember you are not alone and those mums you see have no idea. Hang out with the mums whose kids have issues and you will make some strong bonds. I eventually met more mums whose kids had autism or a disability as we had the 'being on the outer' in common. And there are probably other kids going through this...it is more common than schools are willing to acknowledge.
Sorry for such a long post!, I have probably put you to sleep. But take care and hear again soon,
Linda

Welcome aboard, Fiona! I know it is not a place that you want to be - amongst a group of parents who are all at their wits end because of their wayward children!

But the support that I have received here has been of immense help. No one has solved the problem. No one has waved a magic wand. But the support and the suggestions, some of which work and some do not, have all helped me along the way.

I don't contribute much these days - Linda does an amazing job! But you ex-pat comment caught my attention.

One of the big problems our children experience is the loss of contact with friends. One of our initial reactions was to remove mobile phones and computers as a punishment with the incentive she would get them back if she returned to school. But we quickly found that this loss of contact with friends was having a detrimental effect - and her teachers could no longer reach her to set homework (never done, but...).

As a family that has traveled, maintaining contact with people you encounter in one country when you or they move on is very difficult. So, I worry that finding a school in England might not be the best option unless there is already a point of contact.

BUT

Please look at the Blog article on this site called Duvet Day. There you will see a story of a girl who was placed in a boarding school. That school was able to provide amazing support, but I know others just will not be able to help in that way.

We found it a long road, but our daughter got a degree and has a job and manages to leave at 7:15am to get to her work when once getting up at all was quite something.

We can be with you along your raod, if that helps.

Simon