Hi

How do we know when a teenager doesn't have the motivation to attend school and is sleeping in as all teenagers do, and when is it still school refusal? Is there an answer!? Anyone know out there how to differentiate between the two?

My son is now 16 and we arn't out if the woods yet. He still has this pattern of going well when first attending a new school or a new year even, but then by second term, and for us the colder weather setting in, the habits or the anxiety return. Firstly a day here and there, then an averaging of three days, then two days...then goiing later.
My son tells me to back off, he is just being a typical teenager. But considering his history of school refusal, I suspect it is the anxiety just back in a slightly different form. Now he doesn't mind going late, whereas previously he hated that. And now he doesn't lie in bed and say he is sick, he just says he is too tired and can't do the day. And I am struggling to get him to go so sleep or he is struggling to go to sleep. And technology is becoming an issue, so modems go off and thst causes anger.

I have a feeling when the weather warms up I will see some more desire to get up in a morning...which just makes me find it impossible to tell if this is school refusal in a less stressful form, or he is now actuslly just being teenager!!
Any suggestions? I'd love to hear of anyone's experiences of those who have had a history of school refusal and when it seems to get better, is there a point where it also lingers in the 'not sure what it is' basket?

Linda

Update: Most subjects had reasonable attendance but one subjct was only 50% attndance for the semester. This has to be still an anxiety issue...surely. The doctor, however, has said to my son that he is being a normal teenager and that going to bed very late seems to be the norm these days. The difference, he said to my son, however, is that most other kids still get up and go to school. So it is the lack of motivation, one can assume from so many years of constant expectation and nagging that he attend.
I am hoping for a much better second semester after the two weeks holiday we currently have down here.
Wishing you all the best on your journeys.
Linda

Hi Linda

I am new to this group and haven't posted before but it has been such a source of comfort to me to read that my son is not the only one going through this nightmare. I have read lots of your posts and want to say thank you for all the advice you have given to others that have helped me too!

My son is 15 and has been school refusing since since June 15 and diagnosed with anxiety. After afew months of CBT and him being put on fluoxetine he has managed to get back into school on a very part time basis. We are now waiting for a CAMHS appointment which is in August (as we had previously been paying privately but it has become too expensive). I'm convinced that perhaps there is an underlying learning difficulty with my son as when he is in a class he says he cannot concentrate. Although the SENCO at school seems to think it could just be the anxiety itself making it hard to concentrate.

Like you, I agree that is is almost impossible to tell if it is anxiety (or a learning difficulty) preventing my son from going to school or a lack of motivation but wanted to let you know how his sleep problem has been resolved in the last week. His sleep had become a real problem with him up not being able to sleep at night and up until all hours on his phone and then not waking up until around midday. This caused many arguments in the house. The senco at school told me that i should ask the doctor for something to help with his sleep, as lots of others at school take something to help. Although the doctor was unable to prescribe it herself she got permission from a psychiatrist. It is called Circadin (melatonin) and has transformed his sleep straightway. This hasn't cured the problem of school refusing but has stopped the stress and arguments of telling him to get to bed and get up! My son says he feels less exhausted as he is getting a proper nights sleep now. Perhaps you could find out if your son could have this from the doctor?

I hope this might help, best of luck

Take care

Emma

Hi Emma

Welcome to the Forum 😊 And thank you for your kind words. I hope I can help others even in a small way because It was this forum that saved me spiralling downhill when my son first had this. No one else seemed to understand.

It must be hard for you too with your son's issues and not quite knowing whether there is a learning issue. My son found it hard to concentrate though. He was also very hard to sit down with to help with homework as he was constantly distracted. Looking back I think this was his anxiety and his hidden perfectionism that meant he'd rather fail from not doing something than fail by getting it wrong. Very irrational, and caused no end of arguments. He is still fairly much like this but now just procrastinates forever and then does the work in a rush. He is bright and so has coasted through each year but now needs to put in the hard work.

Can you get your son tested? Will CAMHS do this? Otherwise it might well be the anxiety and if you can get someone to teach him CBT or find methods that help, his concentration might improve.

Thanks for the info on the melatonin. I am interested to see that you had to get this with permission of a psychiatrist. I will ask my doctor as there is actually a 'melatonin' available here at the chemist. Perhaps the regulations are different. We did try this some time back but he either forgot to take it or took it too late and it just didn't take on the effect that it should have. But I suspect it might not be the same or perhaps much weaker than the type you have obtained, so I will see if we can get that via a prescription.
It is to do with the circadian rhythms being ot of kilter. I tell this to my son till I am blue in the face but he hasn't the motivation as a teenager to turn it around. I have just bought him a special clock/lamp that you set to come on before wake up time and it slowly brightens and is white light or daylight. It is supposed to help his body adjust better to light in the morning. As we have holidays here right now then we haven't had a chance to use it yet. I will let you know of that works too.
Sometimes it is trial and error, isn't it. And being teenagers makes our job that much harder!
I hope your son continues to improve and is eventually able to find ways to concentrate or get help if there is an underlying learning problem.
I hope coming on here has helpd you and that you have also given yourself some quality time or 'time out'.
Hear from you again,
Linda