Many thanks for letting me join the forum.. sorry this is so long, but please bear with me..

My son is on the SEN register and has been since year 2.. He has never had a statement or EHC plan (though I have tried twice for an EHC. And the school were cross that I applied for a EHC)..
Back in early 2015, we were asigned a primary mental healthcare worker (PMHW) with regards to my son (now 11).. he was struggling (and has been since year 1) at school in English (reading and spelling) with a reading age of 7 (he was 10 at the time), his behaviour at home went downhill with angry outbursts/meltdowns (and being agressive when angry), and his bedtimes got later as he struggled to said i off at night despite a regular routine at bedtine.. The PMHW thought a VIG intervention would be a good idea so she arranged that. The result 6 sessions later being, 'your sons loves you and you are a good parent'.. kind of helpful but not addressing the issues concerned.. So she suggested a CAF, and a TAC was opened in October 2015. The family lead worker was assigned and we had that chap until Xmas 2015, three weeks prior to Xmas hols my son refused school for 3 weeks the family lead basically threatened me and my son re him not being at school i.e. if you don't go you and your mum will be in trouble.. this escalated the problem and my son eventually returned to school I Jan this year. The Family lead worker was a nightmare so much so that along with other complaints logged against him and an investigation, he was dismissed in January.. so that was no help.. I was assigned a new family lead in February.. She seemed pretty switched on, empathetic and friendly. She went through everything with great detail and said she would be having 6 sessions with my boys in feb-apr (before the next TAC meeting in April).. Lovely as she is, she only had 1 session with them in march then one email before the next TAC.. she has had 2 more sessions since then with no feedback. The 3rd TAC meeting took place on Friday 24th June with the TAC lead, PMHW, his tutor and the EWO. It was decided my son has separation anxiety (no assessment or anything to arrive at this) but the main cocern is to get him back into school. My son has had 5 weeks off (in 6th week now.. 2 weeks were before half term) with school refusal and shows no interest in going.. I don't know what's going on in his head, or at school?? I tried to work out a contigentcy plan with the school before half term in case the school refusal continued but they said to wait until after half term?? I've now had a meeting with the school head and the EWO and a plan has been drawn up. Today the head teacher visited to tell him of the consequences to both my son and I if he continues to non attend and to try to clax him into school. He stayed in his room in bed and she had to go up to speak to him. He didn't move. Her next suggestion is for me to remove all his toys and comforts until he attends school?? I'm not sure this is a good way forward though considering he is anxious already. Although the head teacher says my son obviously has control issues and not anxiety because he managed to go on the school camping trip. (He had a complete meltdown on his return back home). The EWO is in agreeance with her next suggestion. I have managed to find a couple of counsellors who may be able to work with my son (one a CBT therapist and one an integrated counsellor) both of the opinion that my son is struggling with anxiety for both school issues and unresolved home and environmental issues (his pas experiences)..

He has gone downhill in the last few weeks, his mood turns like the flick of a switch, he's refusing to eat regular meals (just eats his evening meal and no more) and he appears withdrawn, not wanting to join in with others (family; or friends when they are round to play). I'm not sure if any of what I am doing is right, but all I want is to be able to understand and help my son, and help him to enjoy his school years.. I don't feel that's much to ask..

So I thought I would message to see if anyone has gone through a similar experience? And if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom that may help?

Sarah, you poor thing! So glad you found us in here.
You have been through so much and I can relate to a lot of what you say. Including the going round in circles and not getting the right help. This seems to be often the case. You have certainly tried a lot of diffent things and are doing your best to get help.
I suspect your son is feeling pretty overwhelmed by it all as he doesn't know what is happening to him. Not being able to pin point what the problem is seems to be common. Sometimes there is just so much that makes them feel bad or afraid or panic. Schools are just not good places when you have any issue, let alone anxiety or a learning difficulty. Has there been bullying?

I am no expert on learning difficulties but I would imagine just embracing your son at the moment so that he knows you are doing what you can to make him feel better, but that you also accept him as he is no matter what. There is so much expectation placed on them omce the school refusal starts that it must feel like a huge weight around their necks. My son seemed to drown in all the pushing and shoving that went on and the constant talk around school and not being there.
I had to step back and re build my son's confidence and self esteem via things outside of school, which was hard as he was spending more and more time isolating himself!

He got through this though. He was a out your son's age when he became housebound. He slowly took steps forward and I have many posts relating to this. So your son, when he gains that bit of self esteem will start to take small steps. Any any steps, no matter how small, are all good.
So there is hope at the end of the tunnel!

I can only say get all the testing and help you can but at the same time, stop and take time out just to be with your son and not judge him. When it comes down to it, as parents, we are the ones that can help as we know our child the best. Go with your gut feeling on some things. School isn't everything in the long term, despite our panic about this when they stop going.

Is there any chance of home tutoring? Are you worried about the social aspect too? Can you try getting a single tutor for the reading at lesst? Do you think your son has a learning difficulty or do you think it is the anxiety causing a complete block?
Can you try and teach him to be confident in his reading yourself? Use the internet as the tool perhaps? On a topic he has interst in? Or instructions on how to play a game. Make it fun if possible as I suspect it has become far from fun at school!!
Can he play scrabble? Get him to write a story, no matter how bad the spelling and type it up and print it for him?
Sorry...this is also the ex teacher in me coming out!!

And then at some stage, there is the possibillity of medication? My posts on the forum go from against to for medication. My son on the medication he is on now is a different boyl We are going through some typical teenager arguments (he is 16) but he is doing so much better all round than a year ago and is not the depressed and angry soul that he was.
And I don't hink taking away things is fair on your son. It is not a behaviour issue, he can't help how he feels and reacts, so withholding things is the support worker not seeing it for what it really is. I had teachers tell me this and others who suggested star systems and non of those worked....they would only work if it was for some reason a behavioral issue.

I hope I have given you some help. Sorry my reply is so long! It is tough and you are on a pretty rocky road by the sound of it. Have a rest yourself and do something nice each week as you need to stay strong too. Are there family or friends that can help support you? Any family or friends who can help your son with his learning probs?

Take care and hang in there, we are all thinking of you and hoping you can have those small steps forward soon. You are not alone.
Limda

Hi Linda

Many thanks for your reply. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going or having been through this.

The school have been no further help, and to be honest I'm not sure they're too bothered as the school is closing at the end of term anyway.. But that doesn't help my son in the slightest bit.

I've a 'Thrive' coach on board now (http://www.thriveprogramme.org) which is 'applied positive psychology'.. with the aim of helping to raise my sons self esteem in small steps in the hope that we can then work on the anxiety etc. He's not actually sat and talked to her, but she's popped round over the last few weeks and last week she got a 'goodbye' from him as she called upstairs to say goodbye.. it's a start.

The GP is trying her best to engage with CAHMS but they appear to be giving her the run around so that's not looking too hopeful.

I've met with the SENDCo from my sons new school, she came to visit the day before his transition day. He didn't attend the transition day the following day, but he agreed to visit the school after school hours to stroll around with the SENDCo and I. Following our tour round, he asked me what the point of viewing the school was as it's not the new school building anyway. The new school build is not due to now be completed January so they are moving into a vacant middle school until it's completed (the school we toured round). In the end he didn't attend any of the transition days so hasn't met his tutor, teachers or fellow pupils etc. He asked me why everyone can't just stay on holiday until the new school opens.

He did come along with me to watch his older brother at their schools sports day last week, but pupils from his year kept pointing and looking at him and a few asked why he was off school. He had some sweets on him and threw them a sweet and they walked away. My older son also mentioned that a few of my sons friends had been spreading rumours around saying that he's playing truant. My son now won't play with those friends and turned down the party invite that he had originally said he'd like to go to.

I emailed the new schools SENDCo about my concerns re my son not having attended his transition days and his worries around this.. she emailed me today to say that she's sending a written letter detailing who his tutor is, and what class he will be in, along with pictures of the school. She said to just wait until the first school day in September, and see if he goes.. fantastic plan!

So now we approach summer holidays with my son having shut himself off from school and his friends, he's brother angry at him for not going to school despite my trying to explain why, and the old and new schools being fairly unhelpful.

I've been giving thought to home tutoring or home schooling and am going to look in to this further. I am a bit worried about the social aspect too though. I am definitely 99% sure that my son has a learning difficulty, and along with the anxiety it is possibly causing a complete block. I have a dyslexia screening booked during the summer hols so hoping this may shed some light on his learning potential.

I'm very lucky that I have the support of my parents though they are too finding it hard to cope with his heightened levels of anxiety and OCD.

I'll be working with the Thrive coach over the summer and keep my fingers crossed that he engages with her.. I'll keep googling, seeking info from where I can and I'll think about possible options for schooling come september.. In the meantime, I intend to have lots of fun over the summer with my boys.

Sarah

Hi Sarah

So frustrating, isn't it when not only does your son keep throwing roadblocks in front of him but the school too. It sounds like you will have to wait till the new school opens and then maybe even wait some more while they settle and get their act together.
The Thrive coach sounds interesting and I'd love to know how that goes. SENDCo at least has some ideas even of not all practical for the moment. Any help is a bonus for where you are at.
And yes...enjoy the holidays and forget all about school for now. Your son must also be so tired of the focus that ends up being on them when they don't attend school.
l am interested to know how the dyslexia test goes and also how things pan out when school re starts.
Take care
Linda