Hi,
My 15 year old son has always been quiet and would rather not be in the centre of it all. At the beginning of this year we had a couple of days where he stated he was ill and could not go to school. These days were usuaully on a Monday or directly afte a holiday period. On these occasions he really did not appear unwell.
I liased with the school latterly and expressed concerns that this was a refusal rather than illness. Things settled down. He is in year 10 and so 3 weeks ago we had mock exams etc. On the Monday he stated he was ill. I took him to the doctor that day and he was diagnosed with tonsillitus and given a weeks worth of antibiotics. The following Monday came and again he stated the same. I took him back again..eventually as he initially refused to see the GP and again was told there was small amount of infection left and another weeks worth of antibiotics prescribed. He stated that he was lethargic and tired all the time and so glandular fever was queried. He refused to get the blood test done and was getting better but refused school. Eventually the school attendance officer and pastoral care for year 10 came to the house and spoke with him explaining that he needed to get the blood test done and if it was clear to return to school.
That afternoon we got the test done which was negative. Relief.
He continues however to state that he is tired and cannot go to school. I again managed to get him back to the GP on Friday last week and explained all that had gone on. I didn't find the GP very helpful, albeit he examined my son and requested further blood tests which we still await the result he did not seem to consider other options.
My son is into gaming on line with his friends a lot and we allowed this to continue through his period of illness and recovery, but we now feel that he is well but is refusing to go to scholl. He doesn't say why other than he is feeling tired. I have tried in many different ways to explain that the school work can be caught up on and that he could state to his friends that he had been unwell which is true. We have tried to establish if there is any other reason as to why he has not been able to return but he does not say. At times it has been heated but we have tried to remain calm open and honest about the situation. We have now banned him on the computer and allow short bursts on the internet so he can still communicate with his friends.
He used to be sporty and played football but gave that up about a year ago. Most if not all of his socialising is now done online. We have always had open house with many of his friends coming over and sleep overs etc.. this stopped over a year ago. This was through my son's choice.
So we are now in the situation where he states that if he gets the internet access and gaming back he will go back to school. We have allowed him to have this back, but he did not go back to school, so its has been taken off of him again but we allow 1/2 hours in the evening access to internet only as I feel to cut him off totally would do more harm than good.
We also await the full results of the most recent blood tests.
As parents we really don't know how to progress this. If the tests are clear, we will go back to the GP and ask for help as there must be a reason as to why he is refusing school . This is obviously his way of letting us know but he continues to state that he is tired and can't go to school.
Any advice or thoughts on this matter would be very much appreciated.
Thank you

Hi Sally

It sounds like you have diagnosed it correctly as being school refusal. This must have been so hard for you lately - especially dealing with not knowing if it is a real illness or not.

Welcome to the Forum, by the way : )
I found that my son was not able to pin point what the problem was either. He just kept saying he felt sick or was tired. If he had time off for illness, like your son, he found it really hard to go back to school. He seemed to be very worried about what the other kids would say. For some reason it does bother them -
Has there been any bullying do you think? OR did it just start happening?

I found that taking technology off my son never helped. In fact, no punishment or reward system worked and that is because it is a mental health condition and not a behavioural issue.
I sometimes wonder if I gave in too much and now struggle to get my son away from is iPad which follows him everywhere - but by allowing him to continue to play games and socialise on-line - it got him through a really bad patch. He felt so lost and his self esteem plummeted - so the on-line connections were vital.

I can only recommend you see if you can get an assessment via CAMHS and/or find a private psychologist to work with your son. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy can be really helpful if you find the right person - and can help your son change his negative thoughts which seem to create a rut in the brain that their thoughts keep falling into. What helped us too was when I embraced him where he was and accepted he had a mental health issue and that was ok. I shifted from the falling out and tears (me and him) to showing how much I supported him and trying to rise above what everyone else might be thinking (ie.a weak parent).

Its really tough what you are going through - so I can imagine how stressful you have been.
I also found doing something for myself was important to keep me less stressed -which helped.

Sometimes with support and therapy of some kind - some kids can return to school. Sometimes it takes small steps of a few hours, then days then the week. My son couldn't manage this, however, as he felt the other kids would all ask more questions. He tried his hardest to keep going to school - it would have helped if the teachers had given him work to do at home - but their attitude - much misguided, is that if you give them work at home, they will never return. But it doesn't work that way. We changed schools - and that didn't help. My son was then able to do on-line schooling as you have probably read in previous post and now goes to a college a few days a week.
So there is hope...and your son will get there eventually - but it might not be in a straight line - and it might take small steps - and that is all good.

Try to put the pressure on the school to provide work for your son. He might not quite have the motivation - but it might also just keep him in the loop until further help is found. They are meant to do this.
Also - don't rule out medication - sometimes that can take the edge off and allow other therapy to take place.

Sorry I don't have a miracle answer - but I am here any time to support you as I know just what you are going through and how terribly draining it is for all involved. You are not alone - and let your son know that he is not alone too. You are a good mum and doing all you can.

Let us know how things go and come on here any time of you need help.

Linda