It is so comforting to find this website. I have a 15 year old boy who is struggling hugely at school. We were hoping for a fresh start this week after the summer break and a disruptive summer term. It's his final year and so we face the huge hurdle of trying to get him through his GCSEs in order to move on with his life. It's not looking good. He's managed just Monday and Tuesday and today he is refusing to go in. The school is very focused on results (which school isn't these days) and my son's year is the first year to do exams (it was a new school when he started in year 7). I always saw this as an advantage as I thought the school would do all they could to ensure their first exam cohort would do well. This has backfired for me as it is proving too much stress for my son.
I am wondering if CBT might be a solution in order to bring around a change of attitude. We've tried CAMHS but he wasn't deemed bad enough for that. In the meantime he has started smoking and taking weed rather too regularly for my liking. Currently I cannot see a way forward. If he could leave now and go to college that would be great but you need grades to get into college. It feels like a vicious circle.

Hi Alison

I can really relate to what you are going thrugh. Despite my son moving forward in so many other ways, he hasn't attended school for two weeks. It is just so hard when nothing seems to work, isn't it.
For my son, he did start attending and going better after going on medication this year and he has had some CBT over the years and I believe strongly in this. It does help, but your son has to want to do this. Finding someone he can engage with is also important. If he doesn't seem interested, what you could do is read up as much about CBT as you can and use it whenever trying to talk with your son about his thoughts. It can help turn round those full on negatives.

Can you get a diagnosis of anxiety and/or depression from your doctor? You may have to keep pushing CAMHS as your son sounds like he needs their support. What was their criteria for not being bad enough? Sounds like they are not seeing it for what it is or funds are stretched? Do you think there was any bullying?

Meanwhile accept your son where he is and make him feel he is ok and not going crazy. It is pretty scary for them as its hard to make others understand them. It is not a behaviour issue, it is a mental health issue, and that is what needs to be stressed to the school and CAMHS. Schools in the UK have to provide tutoring for students unable to attend school due to health reasons and mental health does come into this. You could make enquiries at the school.

Education does not have to be in a straight line. Your son's health comes first and then schooling second. If he has any interests, see if you can try and boost his self esteem that way.
I can't say I know the answers but I do know from so many years of this that there are some things that take priority and encouraging my son in his interests outside school has allowed him to enjoy things and stay connected via the internet. I am atill not sure why his motivation to attend has gone downhill but I suspect it is because he has slowly got behind and then feels it is too much effort to catch up. He is now having counselling again and she seems to feel she can build his self esteem back. If you can afford private counselling, this might help your son.

Hang in there. It is very draining, but you are a good mum and doing all you can. Spend some time on yourself too, as you need your strength. Others on here might have some more ideas but it has been a bit quiet lately. Post any time as I check frequently and remember, you are not alone.
Take care
Linda

Hi, my son is also 15 and is barely attending school. He has a diagnosis of ASD, so is at higher risk of mental illness.There is a family history of anxiety and depression. He has been referred to CAMHS by our GP twice but so far they have passed us on to a mentoring service which has a huge waiting time. He chews his fingers to the point where they are red raw and bleeding, so the doctor put that on his referral last week as self harm.
Some staff at his school are understanding but others see his anxiety triggers as an excuse eg he is stressed out about a German homework which is preparation for the speaking exam in April. I have spoken to them about a reduced timetable for him. One teacher said 'We've done that for boys who have been ill ' I guess she meant physically ill!
He began by being anxious, but now shows many signs of depression. The GP agrees but says CAMHS have to diagnose it and they won't see him. School have involved the EWO. I don't know where else to go for help. I can't afford private treatment for him and I'm worried that without help, he will get worse.

Hi Sharon

It is just terrible that your son keeps getting passed under the radar. I suspect services are stretched to the maximum these days as there are just so many young ones suffering, but that is no excuse.
The school should be providing alternatives or less time or even home tutoring as all students suffering from an illness whether it be physical or mental are supposed to be educated even if that means with tutors. There is a line somewhere in the UK education system blurb that is not often read or referred to by schools.

Without private support I wonder if you have the energy to try pressuring your local parliament member? This did work with someone on here many years ago. Sometimes they will go that extra mile (as they want to be seen to be doing something worthwhile!) to see what the situation is and try and get the school to sit up and listen and CAMHS to see your son.

The other thing you could do if you feel your son is getting more depressed, is talk to your doctor about medication. It sounds like your son is going to need a lot of support, so the doctor might be happy to talk through your options with you. Medication has helped my son feel much better about himself and move forward in so many ways.

Education does not have to be in a straight line and no point if someone feels so bad. Reassure him that you are doing all you can to make him feel better. What is your son interested in? Can you engage with him and let him do things he likes at the moment? Could you also perhaps then get from him if there is any way that the oral exam could be made a bit better? If he is on the autism line, then is there a possibility that you can be at or in the exam? Or someone he feels close to? A relative, a teacher, a friend? Sometimes just entering the room is the problem, not the actual presentation or speaking. I would imagine someone with a physical disability might need a carer in an exam....so this could well be a possibility.

Read up as much as you can about cognitive behaviour therapy and see if you can work with some of this yourself with him. There are some books mentioned on this site in the resource section and there are some sites on the internet. It helps to change the way one thinks. It is hard when depression has taken over - but even then - very small steps and changing one's thoughts (Even your own) can help take the tiny steps forward to regain self esteem and move forward. I am not a health professional.. so can only give advice from my own experience over the years.

A lot of teachers seem not to understand that this is a mental health issue whether your son is ASD or not. They have to be told many time this is not misbehaviour. They should be making changes and treating him as if he is 'ill' because he is!
Let me know how you go and come on here any time and let off steam! It must be just so frustrating for you. Try and do something for yourself each week as you need your strength too and it can be all consuming, can't it.
Hang in there - it will get better.
Take care,
Linda