Hi,
I'm a single parent, my eldest daughter has moved out and just started uni and my youngest daughter is 13 and in year 9 at high school.

I have a daily battle getting my daughter to school, this has been on-going for almost a year now. I wake most mornings to a text from the next room stating 'I feel sick, I don't want to go to school'

I have been liaising with school and have actually had them pick her up from home on one occasion but things don't seem to be getting any better.

I ask her what's the matter and she says she just doesn't like it. Her sister took her out to have a chat with her and she got the same answer.

I suggesting looking at a new school but that was met with a 'no!' what about my friends? She has asked to be homeschooled but that is not an option for us.

I just don't know what to do!!

Hi Andrea

Welcome on here. I know how you feel, and although there is no miracle cure there are some ways to take those small steps forward. It must be very frustrating for you at the moment.
What is your gut feeling? Do you suspect any bullying? Any change of expectation? Has your daughter had signs of anxiety long before this?
if your daughter does have school refusal, which it sounds like, sometimes they seem unable to pin point anything specific that makes them feel this way. School is full of expectations from teachers and peers.
I assume from her response 'what about my friends' means she still hsd contact with others. Is this face to face or on line? Encourage face to face if you can as that will last and will help balance the anxiety but any contact is great.

Have you had an appointment with camhs yet? This will help put in place some of the support available.
Is your daughter younger than most if the other kids in year 9? Do you think your other daughter moving out might have triggere the situation or just made it worse.
It is hard as a single parent, isn't it.
The school should be able to provide for some tutors to come to your house. They have to provide education to all students even if uanable to attend due to illness. And this is an illness, a mental heslth issue.
Try to get the school to refer your daughter to cahms, push them for some home tutors do that your daughter keeps up with work. Try not to get too frustrated with her (easier said than done I know!). Embrace her where she is now, school is not the right environment for all kids. Try and build her self esteem by encouring things she likes or usd to like.
See a private psychologist if no support via cahms or waiting list too long. Weigh up whether medication might be an option wnd talk to your local doctor.
And do something nice just for you as often as you can. You will need your strength!
Small steps are all good.
Let us know how you go.
Take care
Linda

I've got the same problem, except I get "I don't know why". He gets all his homework done, bag packed, and then in the morning gets up and has breakfast, but then literally hides under the duvet and refuses to get dressed. He says he hates registration, but then refuses to go in after. We've started counselling via CAMHS but ironically I' vie got to take him out of school to get him there, and go through the whole trauma to get him back in after!!!!!! The school have said they cannot do anything unless he attends. I've tried being tough and I've tried being understanding nothing seems to work.

Oh, Stephanie! 'The system' seems to get us into a loop from which there is no exit. You have obviously been facing this issue for some time if CAMHS are involved, but it might be worthwhile my re-visiting some of my tips for survival.

You need to keep a record of all meetings, recording who agreed to do what, and noting outcomes from previous meetings. As time goes by, it becomes difficult to recall all the facts, missed deadlines, broken promises, etc. I wish I had made a note of the number of times we were asked to say what the problem was, and repeat past history without actually getting to an action plan.

You also need to record details of particularly difficult days showing how you coped with the situation. You son should do the same. My daughter recorded her bad days pictorially, and very powerful they were, too.

All this helps with future negotiations.

I mention this because it is not true that your son has to attend school in order for them to give you the help you both need and deserve. Whilst it is true that you have to ensure that your child receives an education, it is also true that your Council has to provide an education for your child. This does not have to be in the local school classroom. Local Authorities do not like this because there are budget constraints, but Councils have special education facilities and can provide tutoring (this used to be in the tutor's home, but because of issues around security, this is more difficult to arrange).

Sadly, there is no magic wand. I found it difficult to talk to friends about our issues, mostly because they just could not understand, but it was good to come here for a rant! Sometimes, it was good to talk tactics before a meeting.

Our daughter, now 25, is talking of going to London to work (it is a temporary re-location). That was just unthinkable 2-3 years ago. So, it has been a long haul. And lights and tunnels seem to feature in our lives quite a lot!

Yours aye,

Simon