Hello, for a bit of background, I'm here about my 15 (16 next month) year old. We just recently moved to the UK, but we've lived here before. My husband is a Brit, my oldest (the one I'm writing about) is my child from a previous marriage, and we are American. My son spent most of his freshman year/year 10 (we were in the US at the time) out of school. He failed all of his classes. His dad and I did not have a great relationship, especially once we divorced. His dad passed away a year and a half ago from a toxic mix of prescription drugs and alcohol. His home life with his dad was unstable at best. I don't want to go into it all, but his dad took him when he was 5, and railroaded me. I got custody of him back when he was 12.

So to the present:
We took a tour of a really great school, but all the signs of him not wanting to attend school are still there.He stays up all night and sleeps most of the day. He wouldn't get up when I told him it was time to leave, so we were late.

On top of that, he recently confided in me that he has gender dysphoria. He was bullied in the past, and he doesn't really conform to social norms (obviously). When we met with the admissions officer and explained the issues from last year, she suggested he start from year 10. I think the idea of being in a class full of 14 year olds as a 16 year old is likely adding to his anxiety.

We tried many different things last year to get him back to school, and failed pretty miserably. It got to the point that the family court was involved, and if we hadn't moved, I imagine they would have taken disciplinary measures. I have 3 other children and my husband works full time, we can't afford for me to be in jail.

My son is very interested in the idea of going to school online. I've looked at a few, and it does seem like there are good options out there, but we can't afford the tuition. Unfortunately we make what most would deem 'too much' to need assistance, but £200-£250 a month isn't a small amount (and some want payment in full up front)! Does anyone know in the case of school refusal if the LA would help pay for tuition for him?

Welcome to our group, Aoenix.

There is an organisation called Red Balloon - http://www.redballoonlearner.org - that supports young people who self-exclude from school and are missing education because of bullying or other trauma. They provide an academic and therapeutic programme to enable students to get back on track and reconnect with society.

RBAir, the online option, offers a range of learning, therapeutic and community support to young people who would otherwise not be getting an education. They work with students and parents/carers to plan a bespoke programme for each young person, based on their needs and personal circumstances, trying to ensure that the students are given as many opportunities as those who attend physical Centres.

I wonder if this might work for your son?

Yours aye,

Simon

Thank you for the welcome. That sounds like itcould be a great option for my son, thank you so much. 😊

I'm in exactly the same situation my 16 year old moved fro school to a 14-16 year college which he loved at first now we are on the brink of exams to come and his attendance is 66 per cent and he either leaves for college and doesn't attend or he turns up at any time break time, dinner time. He says he'd rather chop his leg off than attend there. I've had meeting with them and they have tried what they can but he is not complying as he hates it so much. I need advice on what to do next as his exams start in April- June and the way things are he's never going to get into music college with no GCSE results and extremely poor attendance

Hi Kim

I don't have a miracle answer for you I'm afraid, but feel similar frustrations with my 17 year old. One thing that a couple of people have said to me though, is that if my son doesn't get through this final year...he might be able to go and do the course he wants later as a mature age student. There are options for our kids and not doing it all in one straight line and at the same time as other kids, might end up being the way forward.

Is there any other place your son could possibly do his final year?
Here we can also take more than one year to do the final year and the college my son attends allows this and has recommended it for him next year as his attendance was pretty bad this year. He only just scraped through, despite his intelligence. He has no motivation, which seems to be the same with your son? My son has also gone off to go to the college and then I get the text...I'm on my way home, I couldn't face it. I think he arrived an hour late every single class for the past semester...well.. the ones he attended! The staff were very flexible but I suspect they won't be so flexible next year, and I guess that is what worries you too. What do the teachers say or suggest?

Is your son getting help from a counsellor? Has he been able to pin point anything specific about the school that makes him hate it so much? Has he had symptoms of school refusal or anxiety of any kind previously? Do you think he is depressed?
And is he blocking out/avoiding the whole thing by staying up late to avoid the morning, and then using tiredness as an excuse not to go? That is what my son does.

I'd be looking at some support from a doctor or psychologist. If he is depressed he needs that support and maybe even consideration of medication? Let us know how you go...its certainly frustrating and I can only give you lots of sympathy and let you know you are not alone. There will be something out there for you, there are ways forward.
Take care
Linda