Where to start? My daughter is just 13 and in year 8 but for the last three years we have had problems on and off with school refusal.

She always had the odd sick day since nursery but it became more serious in year 5 - some months after she was diagnosed with dyslexia. I regularly had her complaining of tummy aches and illness in the mornings - particularly on Fridays which I now realise were probably test days. This got worse and worse. Back then she was probably small enough for me to cajole her into still getting dressed and in the car to go to school. But then she started kicking and screaming all the way in the car - hard to drive when you're being physically attacked. Finally she started jumping out of the car - she did that twice in slow traffic then ran off. Also she refused to get out of the car when we made it to school and the deputy head also failed to persuade her then made the whole thing worse by suggesting "mummy was going off to have fun" - I needed to get to work and I feared for my job if I had to take time off or be late again!

I could write about this for hours but basically things got worse and we moved her to a different school where she could get help with dyslexia. The truth is I still believe the dyslexia is the main cause of her anxiety. That started well but then she suffered bullying, refused school regularly and and threatened to kill herself if I made her go in. We ended up at CAMHS and the school suggested she had an autism-related condition (she doesn't as she's actually very sociable). To make things worse, my husband was a teacher at this school and they didn't have much sympathy. The only thing that calmed her down was the long summer holidays.

I had been to the GP about this who was useless and said the mental health services in the area were very bad! He referred us to parenting classes which only made it worse and actually were a huge blow to my self-esteem. He also told me to just pick her up and carry her to school - which is physically impossible, especially with a near-suicidal child who could throw herself from the car.

We both work but my hubby had to go part-time in the hope that would allow him time to stay home with her if off. My work hours are anti-social at times so between us we could cover for her sick days. He was then victimised in his job by his boss who presumably thought it was embarrassing to have a teacher with a school-refusing child. This was a private school and we were paying a small fortune to try to support her and get her an education!

In the end my hubby quit and moved to a new job and after a bit of a struggle with the bureaucracy our daughter won a place at a selective state school - she's dyslexic, a school refuser on and off and anxious but she's also fairly bright!

We hoped this would be a turning point. She was so glad to get in, the kids are lovely and friendly and she seemed so happy. She's been there for all of two and a half weeks and yesterday refused to go in again!! Turns out she had a bad maths test because she hadn't done the topic at her old school and the teacher called her stupid in front of the class.

I am ashamed of all we've been through. I fear this will one day end up with me in court when I feel I have borne the brunt of the emotional and financial distress this has caused her. I do want my child to get an education but can't wrangle a now 13-year-old into a car to get to school if she won't go.

She has admitted and explained that the dyslexia is at the root of her problems. It's very frustrating for her and many teachers are badly trained about it.

I feel at my wits end? What can I do? I feel that if I ended up being jailed for her non-attendance she wouldn't care. As she has gone in to school between times it has never come to any formal action. But my patience with this is gone and I am desperate for help but nobody cares.

Is there any help at all for me? In the end I'd rather have a happy child than anything else. Yet to me the system feels like a prison set up to merely produce useful units of production for the industrialised world.

Hi

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It brought back all the emotions of my own roller coaster ride.
I did type a whole very lengthy post to you but it zapped itself out into cyberspace and disappeared! So trying again, somewhat shorter.
I kept thinking that depending on where you are in the Uk, but they do have on line as well, the group Simon has mentioned in the previous post seem like they might be ideal for your daughter.
http://www.redballoonlearner.org/welcome

If not that, then your school should be providing so much more support. For students unable to attend for health reasons ( and this is a mental health issue) they should be providing work and even tutors. They are resonsible for providing an education for those who cannot attend. Don't let them play the blame game. Don't doubt your own parenting ability. You are parenting in very difficult circumstances and doing all you can for your daughter, just coming on the forum here shows that.
Stand firm and demand to know what they will do for your daughter.
I also presume you are in contact with dyslexia groups in the UK? There are a few different groups that offer similar and different support. They might be able to give some advice on how best to get specific help for your daughter.

See if you can build your daughter's self esteem by doing things outside of school. Make sure she knows you do understand and are doing all you can to make things better for her. Does she see her friends? Keeping contact with them is important if she isn't able to engage with school.
Is she having counselling? Are you able to have counselling, to offload your stress levels?
School is just not the place for some kids. And an education does not have to come directly from a school, nor be in a straight line.

See what you can find out from the Redbubble organisation and if that is an option.
Meanwhile, remember, you are not alone, and can come on here any time and share how you feel.
Its been tough for you, so do something just for you today, you deserve it.
Let us know how you go,
take care
Linda

Hi

Just wondering how things are going for you at the moment and whether you have managed to find some help along the way? Hang in there, help will be round the corner some where and that education does not have to be in a straight line.
Take care and have a lovely chrisfmas and some relaxing time with your daughter.
Linda