school refusers


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School Refusal
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School Refusal - is child naughty or anxious?

Hi I am new to this forum. I have a 10 year old boy who is struggling to get into school/ class.

School issues started when school made a bad decision with him on a school trip (failed to inform us of a panic attack) and kept him over night when he should have been allowed to come home. He has subsequently been diagnosed with general anxiety disorders.

By way of back ground he has always suffered to a degree with separation anxiety and other sensory problem, currently struggles with public transport, enclosed spaces and has a phobia of being sick generally can't do sleepovers. Going on holiday a struggle as he prefers to be at home.

He has struggled with getting to school since September this year.

They have put him on a behaviour plan which involved me getting him to school before the start of the school day, this has largely resulted in him melting down and refusing to get into class, he has kicked doors, tried to escape and threatened to kill himself/ harm others. This has resulted in exclusion from class/ threatened fixed term exclusion as well (which is ironic as it is as a result of behaviour due to anxiety from being at home).

We have been to CAHMs who have put him on a long waiting list. We are now paying a psychologist £65 a week who thinks that there could be an underlying spectrum (ASD ) issue, although he is far too sociable to appear on the face of it to fit such a diagnoses but there have been some signs from early years (preference to play on own, sensory and a little bit of obsessive behaviour (collecting things) certain numbers being important).

I am at my wits end. Last week he struggled to get into class (although I got him into school) the first 2 days after the christmas break. Day 3 was fine (because number 3 is always fine).

Today he got up and the cereal was wrong, ended up in crying fits saying I don't want to leave you to go to school. I said that it was fine and that I would be there to pick him up at 3. I have to admit I ranted at him about consequences saying that he needs to be at school and I can't understand how he is sometimes fine and not others. There is nothing going on with bullying. He has a good friendship group.

I phoned my mum and sister (who is a medic). They came round and tried to reason with him. He became violent and said he would rather go to boarding schcool than that school (which makes no sense when it comes to separation anxiety). My sister (and mum) think that he is playing me for a fool and that his ability to carry this on (and behave badly) has nothing to do with anxiety (or spectrum issues) but is out and out bad behaviour learnt through wanting a response and enjoying the drama.

I am 50 / 50% on this. I cannot home school as I need to work. He is intelligent and gets the fact that another school would be no better. I don't know what to do as I can't parent him like this.

I have another child who is 7 who goes to school no problem.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom or advice as this is going massively down hill and the lack of support / understanding from family members makes it so much harder.

Re: School Refusal - is child naughty or anxious?

Hi

My heart goes out to you - and it reminded me of my son at that age and I could feel your emotions, just like I used to feel. It tears you apart and drains you of all energy, doesn't it. And I know I ranted and raved for awhile and I thought maybe there was a behaviour issue - and just like you, I was of course told by others that this must be the case. Unless they have had experience with this and have a child of their own who has gone through this - they DO NOT UNDERSTAND. And....I still firmly believe that non of this with our kids who struggle to go to school is a behaviour issue. That is too simple. It is far too complex for that. I went through the implications from others that I was 'too soft' or 'gave in too easily' etc etc. I used to get the rolling of eyes and from other mum's "IF it was my son I'd just drag him there." etc. They couldn't have - because they see it just as bad behaviour - and its not. But as you have pointed out- you have another child, and there is no problem. So why would your son want to behave in this way? Why would he do this for attention!? It just does not make sense. Something is going on in their heads and it isn't making much sense to them either.

So - don't let others dictate what is and isn't happening with your son. Go by your gut feeling. As I philosophised about in previous post today - our schools just are not ok for every kid.

If your son is on the autism spectrum - then schools are a nightmare. They not only have unknown expectations, but there is noise, lights, chaos and demands that are difficult to cope with. Generalised anxiety overlaps many of the symptoms, so you may not know for awhile if your son has one or the other. And it may not matter except if there are learning difficulties.
Does your son have friends? Can he keep in touch with them even when not at school by playing on-line games. Is he into Minecraft? or is he past that? This kept my son in touch. And on-line games still keep my son in touch and he is now 17.

Check out Red Balloon learner groups - there might be one in your area.http://www.redballoonlearner.org
They say they support young people who 'self exclude' from school and are missing education because of bullying or other trauma. They provide an academic and therapeutic programme to enable students to get back on track and reconnect with society. It sounds like a terrific organisation if you can access it - so see what you can find.

Try Support4send that used to be parent partnership. They offer support and suggestions for parents whose kids have issues such as autism. Some on this forum found them very helpful.
https://www.hants.gov.uk/support4send
I don't know where you are in the UK but there are still some groups that operate under the 'Parent Partnership' title such as this one in Nottingham & Nottinghamshire: http://www.ppsnotts.org.uk
Have a search on-line and see what you can find. They have in the past been helpful, not just to parents of kids who have a special need - they seem to often know what the support is in the area and how to approach the schools to get the support you need.

I don't have a miracle answer and as I suspect like me, you are a sole parent (as many of us seem to be...but again ...not all) then it is difficult. Can your mum get involved in the education side of things? Explain to her that it just isn't a behaviour issue - there is a lot of documentation on this - and that a lot of kids are suffering. She might lend a sympathetic ear as my mum ended up doing. My sister took longer to come around to seeing it from this perspective - she was much more judgemental and kept comparing my son to other kids she knew (but did not have her own). If your mum can get involved - could she work with him through an on-line education or tutors? Just a thought and something to think about. It has been a long road to build my son's self esteem over the years - but by trying as often as I could to encourage things outside of school - not mentioning school in nearly every conversation (hard!)...and trying to get him out of the house (even for night drives) was all very helpful in the long term. He still likes to go for a drive. Our kids need skills to manage their anxiety - so focus on that and not the fact that he is missing some education.

My experience was to keep trying to get my son to attend school. I do not know if this was the right or the wrong method but like you, I didn't always have the options and I thought that home schooling would isolate him socially...I may have been wrong on that one as he ended up isolated anyway (although quite a balanced young man now who socialises well with adults but still struggles to attend an educational institution -we gave up on the general schools system a couple of years ago)! So what I did through primary school was just try and get him to attend as often as I could. It was highly stressful but we had good days and bad and good weeks and bad. Some teachers were good and allowed work to be done at home but others got on their high horses and went on and on about if we give him work - he'll never go to school. That is rubbish. What they are doing is denying a child the right to an education by assuming it is a behaviour issue. And then the kid gets behind in their work...and doesn't want to attend!
If it was a behaviour issue - with attention - the behaviour would subside. It doesn't. Some kids do go back to school full time but they are not the majority.

So if you keep trying to get your son to school - you need to try and educate the teachers regarding issues your son is facing and make sure they don't treat it as behaviour - as that is just not helpful to anyone, most of all your son.
But don't force you son. It is just too traumatic for you and your son. And it zaps them of all self esteem. He has said he'd prefer boarding school as he has no idea what is better or not - he just knows he feels terrible going to 'that' school as it is the only one he knows. But changing schools is not the answer - as the anxiety goes too!! Some find it is the answer- but generally it isn't.

For awhile my son was helped in getting to school by us meeting another student and his parents and walking to school together. The chatting as they walked helped calm my son and he managed better. Not every day - but he did manage more during that time than any other time. So if there is anyone he can walk with. I think the idea of turning up to school 'with' someone also takes the edge of that feeling of turning up on your own when you are feeling so anxious. This didn't last - but it helped for awhile.

As far as education and falling behind. Can you get a maths tutor? My son missed out badly in that respect and then struggled at high school in maths. So if you can keep up maths and maybe English at home - that would be great for his self esteem. But my son missed an enormous amount of school - and just passed year 11 last year with some good results! So missing school is not the end of the world.

But having raved on at bit long here - do try the Red Balloon learner organisation and Parent Partnership etc.
They might have more specific ideas for where you live.
And further down the track if things still stay the same - have a think about medication. It might take awhile to find the right one - but when you do - it does help them to take those much needed steps forward.

Hang in there - you are doing all you can under very trying circumstances! There is support out there - it takes time to access - and unfortunately we have to education others as we go. But things do get easier.
Let us know how you progress on this and if Red Balloon etc are helpful - so that others on here might know where to turn in the future too.
Take care
Linda

Re: School Refusal - is child naughty or anxious?

I feel your frustration..... yet another morning battle... today his tried a different tack tic ... says he's been sick while I was out de icing the car!!! I know fall well he wasn't he's just sitting on his bed refusing to move. Every morning this happens I'm fed up. CAMHS on board to try and get to route of problem. He's already been to a London unit which sorted some issues but obviously not all. I have warned him if he refuses to go he'll be back there. Sorry to rant but I know exactly how you feel so don't think you're the only one going through this your no alone. Hope for you me and the others it comes to an end soon.

Re: School Refusal - is child naughty or anxious?

It's really hard.

Still refusing to go to school. Hasn't been at all this week. Has sat in uniform every day. We tried this morning got him in to the Senco room but he was holding onto me and getting angry at the idea of going into class.

We have got CAHMs to agree to do an ASD assessment. He is fixed in an idea that all teachers at that school are evil (no evidence). There are other pointers. Terrible sensory. Great at some stuff - photograph evidence of maps / routes.

I am really hoping it does turn out to be ASD.

Extended family not supportive. Think he is being naughty, are cross that I am looking at having him 'labelled' as they put it.

It is so so tough.

Someone has suggested I contact council to see if I can get an EHCP in place which could involve home tutoring as it is clear that because of his additional needs (whatever they are) school are unable to provide an education.

Whist CAHMs are assessing for ASD they will not provide support for the anxiety as it is not bad enough apparently. Even though it is tearing my family apart.

It is awful. You never imagine this will happen.

Re: School Refusal - is child naughty or anxious?

Hi Tarratill and Heather,

Gosh it brings it all back! I know how you are feeling and it is just so hard and extremely draining.
Make sure you do take those steps to have coffee with friends or family or take up a hobby - play a sport- paint - play music - something. Otherwise, as you know, it becomes 24/7.

The only way we could start taking small steps forward was when I was able to embrace my son for were he was and not want him to be elsewhere...if that makes any sense. We end up putting so many expectations on our school refusal children to attend - that in the end - that just can't do it. They almost freeze up. So by taking off some pressure (at least on the surface) there can be a bit less tension. Sometimes it helps to have someone else take them- but even that is not the answer- as it can make them bottle in the feelings and then explode and refuse completely again.

When they are in full swing of school refusal - their irrational minds just cannot handle our rational ones. So everything we say seems to bounce off them. They just want the feeling to go away. They don't want to be this way.

Focuse on things outside of school to build self confidence.
Education does not only come from school - nor needs to be in a straight line.
To be honest- the best help your sons will get is from you.
So hang in there - you are both doing a great job.

Let us know how you go with any assessment and/or help.
Do check out getting tutors...it could make a world of difference to keeping a door open.
Take care
Linda

Re: School Refusal - is child naughty or anxious?

I can't take time out easily. My mother and mother in law are completely unsupportive and think I am 'as mental as he is' and causing the problem - her very words to me this morning when I told her that shouting at him doesn't work and I have to follow professional advice.

I am good as a stay at home mum as my husband works all hours.

My husband has called me and he is stressed out in a new job and we cannot see a solution.

I am worried that as he wants to be homeschooled giving in will teach him that if he plays up enough he gets his own way. This is not a good thing to teach someone with fixed views if he does have Aspergers.

I know there is no quick fix.


Re: School Refusal - is child naughty or anxious?

Hi

Maybe see any schooling at home as a stepping stone.
But wait for a diagnosis of some kind. Even if your son does have Aspergers - you can't actually force him to keep going - it is just too stressful for everyone involved. You can try your best - encourage- psych into going etc but if it just doesn't happen - then home schooling is better than doing nothing. And it might not be for all of his schooling years. If he can gain confidence and self esteem during any home schooling - then he might want to go to school for the final year or two. Some people say home schooling was the only answer for them. It works for some - but not all. I did not choose this as my son was an only child - so felt he was missing out on friendships...who knows....

And maybe your son might be able to join a local home school group - many meet for activities. He might join a club? OR he might not. It is not the end of the world. My son has been isolated from having friends for the last couple of years - and yet he can still socialise well around adults and kids if he has to. He keeps in touch with some kids his own age by playing computer games and on social media. People told me this would be terrible for him - but seems perhaps it hasn't been so bad.
And today he went all by himself to enrol to do his final year of schooling at a college....who'd have thought.
So....there is no 'one way fits all' and don't let others make you feel bad. They have absolutely no idea what you go through. And they might never get it. I went through several years of criticism from others. My sister in law told me I was just not strict enough. My sister thought it was me initially too. Mums at the school said 'if it was my son...'
I learnt who was on my side early on and stuck with them. Mums whose kids do have autism or any disability have heaps of sympathy. The know how upside down your life can be.
Take care and there will be an answer out there for you. Come on here any time and just off load or ask for help.
Linda