Hi

Its hard , isn't it, when you have sleep patterns out of kilter and issues going on at the smae time.
Re rhe gender issue, my own personal take would be that you, as his mum, are in the best position to take that step and ask. I did with my own son, and although I am kind of sure he is not gay...is one can be sure, he said he appreciated me bringing up the topic. What it did was allow him to have someone to talk with if he ever felt he needed to.
I did this after I met a friend's son who was going through school refusal, and my instant impression was that he was gay. His mum was in perhaps a kind of denial, but did not bring it up with him. Later, in fact a few years later, he was having counselling and he asked the counsellor to tell his family with him, that he was gay.
So I think what I am saying...with all kinds of gay, transgender etc possibilities, it is better as parents, and in particular, mums, to bring up the topic. And in your case, it sounds like it might be appreciated. He might rubbish the topic initially, but at least he knows you opened the door, and he has someone to confide in. If you say nothing, it means he might feel very isolated and unsure about why he feels the way he does. And...counselling sounds like it would be of great benefit...and for both of you to be a part of that?
Sorry I sound like a counsellor myself!!!I just hope I can help as I am a few more years down the track on this school refusal road than you. So my advice comes crom pretty sound experience and knowledge of others.
So give it a go...have a chat with him...casually...and say something along the lines, with lots of people having questions about identity these days...I just wandered etc. Rather than....are you ....take the pressure off the 'you'.
Good luck..and this might help the school issue. But check Red Balloon.
Linda

Hi agian
Just further on whether to talk to your son about identiity. It might be best if you casually say you heard something on the radio or read an arricle about how more kids these days are questioning their identity...so by the way, as a teenager..if you ever wanr to chat about identity or anything else...I'm here to listen. It then means you haven't forced the issue and more anxiety of 'why is she asking.' but more...opening the door for if he wishes to talk to you.
And another way is to relate a story, and say you really understood how that person must feel or drop into the conversation your support of equality and acceptance of gay/transgender, so if your son does want to talk, he knows you will have a sympathetic ear.
I just don't think, and this is just my personal opinion, that we not question as parents, all angles for why our child might not attend school.

The conclusion to all of this, of course, however, is that schools are not the right places for all kids and schools need to start looking at why. And maybe all these labels...and 'we support equality and are anti bullying' ..needs to stop...and just spread the concepts of acceptance, tolerance and understanding of all others ourside of ourselves. That way kids are not being taught to accept the 'bullied victim', or the 'refugee' or the 'autistic', the 'transgender' or male or female....but everyone shows respect to everyone. It will be a long time coming....but it needs to come or else more and more kids will have little labels and no tolerance and understanding because by labelling, we are already making them stand out, whether from their own knowledge of a label, or others.

IT is therefore probably wise to approach from a "tolerance of all things" when considering talking to your son, but the way things are at the moment with schools and young people, it seems that most appreciate having recogition and thus a sense of belonging, rather than living a parrallell life for an indefinite amount of time.

Thar's enough of me philosophising about life!
Take care

Linda

Thank you, I feel like we are stuck in a negative spiral at the moment. School have sent us a letter today asking for us to attend a meeting on Friday. It mentions 'fast track initiative' and says if we can't give a reasonable explainton for his absence then they will serve us notice!

Does that mean we are going to be fined?

Oh dear, I hope not. They don't have the right to do this.
Before the meeting, what I recommend is that you note down everything that has happened, and what you have done to seek help, and what the school has or hasn't done to help. Having your own notes shows them you are taking it all very seriously.
And remind them that it is education department policy to provide an education to all children if unable to attend due to a health issue/illness and you will find that mental health does come under this but so few schools are willing to look at this. They panic because they are being told to tick the boxes for attendance.
Can you get something written by a doctor, or psychologist that states the issues are due to anxiety and that this is therefore a mental health problem?
I have posted a quote previously directly from UK education authority....see if it comes up on a search on this site or try a google search for educational documentation. There is a pdf file that you can print out from their site.

The other thing when you attend the meeting...dress up...go with documentation in a folder so that you look in charge and not beaten down before the meeting begins. And if possible ask them directly...what are you going to do for my son?. Put it back on them and them and stress the mental health. This is not truancy and is a known problem with many teenagers.

If you have problems finding the documentation....let me know.
Hold your head high...and good luck with the meeting.
Let us know how it goes.
Linda

Here is another document from UK government addressed to schools...it might pay to check it out and make sure the schools has read it. It came out in 2014 and it includes physical and mentsl health.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/306952/Statutory_guidance_on_supporting_pupils_at_school_with_medical_conditions.pdf

Hi again

From what I have been skim reading of rules and regulations for schools it seems that if they are going to issue with any kind of notice, they have decided to classify the absence as unauthorised. The schools have to have notified you of their decision on this, however, see quote below from Uk gov document. From what I read, that only after steps to ask for authenticity of illness have been taken, can a notice be issued (this can be in the form of a fine, parenting contract and one other that I have forgotten).

So I think you have a fair case to inform the school that your son has a mental health illness and you can or will provide some evidence of this. They then have to class the absences as 'due to illness, and inform local council, who then should meet with you to organise some tutoring. Not all schools follow this path, however, and may take some convincing, which is where your notes come in handy and any sympathetic doctor's word or notes.

If they do issue you with a fine, you have every right to object and I suggest you get in touch with local support groups or Parenting Partnership to maybe ask what you can do. They should not be issuing you with a fine at this meeting as it seems they do not have enough input from yourself. They are probably looking for a 'fast' solution to avoid what they see as the next step...having failed to recognise the illness.
Hang in there and be strong with them.

Code I: Illness (not medical or dental appointments)
Schools should advise parents to notify the school as soon as possible when a child is ill. If the authenticity of illness is in doubt, schools can request parents to provide medical evidence to support illness. Schools can record the absence as unauthorised if not satisfied of the seriousness of the illness but should advise parents of their intention. Schools are advised not to request medical certificates unnecessarily (particularly retrospective certificates), especially if the illness was not treated by a doctor at the time. Medical evidence can take the form of prescriptions, appointment cards, etc. rather than doctors’ notes.

Thank you, that letter really made me panic! I emailed our local authority and asked for advice here us their reply :


"Joseph Rowntree School, along with other schools, do have a process whereby they identify those pupils whose attendance is a concern. They will invite parents to meet with them and if appropriate hold a schoo attendance panel meeting. Following the panel meeting ordinarily the school will continue to monitor a child’s attendance and if appropriate they can request that the local authority issue a penalty notice fine.



However I should also stress that the schools aim will not be to issue a penalty notice fine but to, either see an improvement in the child's attendance, or for steps to be taken that will enable any needs identified to be met and therefore secure their education.



Schools do have a duty to monitor the attendance of their pupils and for those with high levels of absence to identify why the child is absent. Generally for prolonged absence a school may expect there to be medical evidence to support the absence.



You don’t mention any specific physical illness that is preventing your son attending school though it would be helpful to clarify this which you are doing with your GP. As I said above I do not have any information other than that provided though you mention your son has not left the home for a month. I am aware that in some cases children may develop a nervousness or unease that prevent them attending school or leading a life that is typical of children their age such as going out with friends, attending school etc. Joseph Rowntree School, as with other schools in York, will have experienced similar situations and may well have thoughts and advice that could be helpful.



At this stage I would suggest attending the meeting with school and being open with them about any issues you feel may be affecting your son. I would also suggest continuing to discuss with the GP to try and identify any physical or emotional factors acting as barriers to your son attending school."

Hi

Thats sounds helpful and positive. So go along prepared for the meeting with your notes etc and do talk or ask about mental health, which anxiety is, and see how you go. Good luck. Like to hear from you afterwards.
All the best
Linda

Good morning, I think I have everything ready for this afternoons meeting. They want my son to attend but he has said he won't go. Do.i push it? I have said it is for him and he needs to have his say/opinion on what he wants to happen.

Thanks 😕

Hi Victoria

I never managed to get my son to a meeting at the school, so don't worry. I still managed to go and say probably more than had he been there, when I might have toned down the situation so he didn't feel bad. He did attend a meeting when stwrting a new school but he was pretty withdrawn and I could see, he was incapable of making a decision on the spot regarding whether he agreed wirh arrangements or not.
So good luck and don't worry about son not attending.
Be strong, you are a good mum 👍
Linda

The meeting went ok yesterday, it was with his year head and someone from the pastoral team. His year head is coming around on Tuesday morning to speak to my son and tell him that he can come to school for just 1 hour and he can sit in the pastoral room.

The person from pastoral has referred him to our local mind who run an art group for teens and offer 1-1 mentoring. They have already been in touch and offered him a place.

The doctor has finnall referred him to cams.

So fingers crossed things will start to improve!

Thank you for the support and advice! 😊

Hi Victoria

Thanks for letting us know the update. It is so good that you are finally getting somewhere and finding out where the support is. All the best - and call back in to let us know how things go or if you need to let off steam or if you just want to bounce ideas off someone.
Take care and all the best in these next steps forward.
Linda

I was really interested that your son is being offered art as a therapy.

I volunteer with an arts organisation that provides art as therapy, but I don't think it has been offered to young people who cannot attend school. It is usually for those with special need who are in school. How did you get involved with this, and who provides it?

I hope that all these steps prove helpful.

Hi, our local Mind charity run groups for young people as they see there is a gap in provision for them. Our local mind is brilliant I have used them as has my daughter.

There hasn't been any progress this week, my son has not gone to school. We thought he was going to but he no joy. He seems quite happy in himself. which can be frustrating, not that I want him to be unhappy, but there doesn't seem to be a reason for him.not going to school.

If we could just get him through the door I think that would be a step forward. But other than bundling him into the boot of the car I don't know how!

Still not managed to get him to go for blood test either.

I hope the cahms referral doesn't take too long.

Hi Victoria

Its a hard waiting game, isn't it. i don't have a magic answer but just hope for your sake that the CAHMS referral hurries up. Try and engage with your son while he is in this mood in doing other things outside of school.
My son missed an awful lot of school but still managed to pass each year - so I am sure your son will too.
Do something nice for yourself as well....
Take care
Linda

Quick update,my son has had his blood test. The doctors phoned and asked to see us, (cue major panic!) The test revealed that his white blood cell count is low and so is iron. They have refferd him to the hospital for more tests next week. They think it might be ceoliac disease but are not sure.

Mixed emotions, he's obviously ill and thankfully it's not that serious. But is it the cause of his refusal? Also we still need to get him back into school.

Hi Victoria

Maybe this is the reason. If you are not feeling well - then attending school would be hard work.
I guess Figure out the health issue first and then work on the school. One might take care of the other. Physical and mental health go hand in hand - one can lead to the other. But fingers crossed for you that this is a step forward.
All the best for you and your son. Let us know how things go.
Take care
LInda

Update: my son was diagnosed with post viral fatigue and has been swing a specialist and a physio. His school have been useless and not offered any help or support. I had to fight to get them to refer him for home tuition. They haven't contacted us for months to see what's happening with him.
We had an appointment with the specialist this afternoon, my son said he didn't want to go back to school, and he actually cried which is the 1st time he has.

The specialist said she thinks that he has school refusal and has put a refferal into CAHMS. She told him that he should be going into school and that he has to try and go in for 1 lesson next week.

He's been off school for almost a year, how on earth can I get him back in just like that!

Not sure what to do for the best, I'm exhausted with it all!

Hi
Thanks for the update.
Did your son do the art therapy at Mind?
Try and encourage keeping in contact with friends, even on line.
Your son will need help with anxiety itself before dealing with school. Is there any chance you can home school and connect with any local home schooling groups?
I can't offer specific advice but I'd be seeing if you can find someone who deals with anxiety and cognitive behaviour therapy and also consider medication for anxiety to perhaps help ease your son forward. Keep encouraging him to interact with others and if he is housebound, try the drives and eventually a drive where he gets out and gets a drink at petrol station etc. It might sound simple vut when our kids get stuck in the house it is hard for them to re connect with the outside world, let alone school.
Try and keep up his self esteem by doing things with him inside or outside the home that doesn't mention school. School education is nt everything. Home schooling or on line schooling seems to be the answer for some kids despite the isolation. What the professionals want is our kids to go back to school and have a normal life but nine times out of ten it is not normal as they still miss school and feel isolated and as a resul their self esteem plummets.
It must be tough for you. If your son seems ok in himself, that is a good sign.
Let us know how things go.
Take care,
Linda