Hi - I am new to the site but already finding some information / support.

My 10 year old son has been refusing to go to school since mid December. He doesn't have a specific reason and did used to have a great time at school. He has also been refusing to see his father, has anxiety issues and basically does not want to leave house to do anything. When I do get him out, he is completely negative etc. We are on waitlist with CAMHS and also due to start seeing a private therapist tomorrow which I am hoping will help. The school are supportive but not sure what to suggest. I have done an immense amount of reasearch and one thing I just can't seem to find is what do you do with them when they are at home??? How strict should one be? Should you get into a structure or does that reinforce they can just stay at home.

Any advice / experience would be very welcome.

Obviously, I am not letting him play the PS4 all day!

Thanks in advance, Ginny

Hi Ginny

Welcome to the forum! And a good question! Not sure there is any one answer that works.
When my son was at primary school, I remember being told...take the games off him and make home as boring as possible so that he would be begging to go to school! Doesn't work as its not a 'behaviour' issue in that sense.

I tried to get my son to do school work but as we battled to get any work sent home (their theory was again misguided I believe, in that they decided that if they gave him work to do at home, he'd never go to school). All that did, was make my son fall behind and so feel even more reluctant to go to school. So I had to create some educational type activities.

So I'd be asking the school to send some work home. Even giving you the theme or topic they will be covering, can also allow you to explore ideass a bit further with your son, And then...it means...do the work and then he gets to play on his PS4.
Or be creative ..maths relating to skills needed in every day life....writing/reporting about favourite sport or music as a journalist or a story if prefered. Try to engage him in things he does like...not necessarily from point of view of school but so thst he keeps up an intrest. And if he has any friends, try and keep some contact going, whether face to face or on line.
They do need something so as not to just want to keep playing on some device and ignore the world around them. I tried to tske my son out in those days but he was usually feeling guilty and terrified someone would see him....that he got stuck at home.
One way I started to get him out of the house, at about your son's age or earlier, was going for car rides away from local area or evening rides. Someone else on the forum had suggested this, and I do highly recommend it. Keeps them connected visually with outside the home.
Not sure my answer helps...but I do relate to what you are going through and hope the meeting with therapist is a step forward. Try not to focus on the going back to school but building your son's self esteem. Ask the therapist if they use cognitive behaviour therapy, as this can be helpful if your son is open to trying. But if he thinks it is just so that you get him back to school, he might refuse to cooperate, so have if used for life building skills.
All the best, let us know how things go.
Linda

Hello Linda

Thanks so much for your reply. All of what you say is what I thought. My mum also said, even if not at school, structure, structure, structure....same things each day, have a little time table. Therapist said to me on phone that in short term focus needs to be on self esteem as well, so we all seem to be thinking the same things.

Can I ask what happened with your son? Did you eventually get him back to school and how did you do it?

Thanks so much! Ginny

Hi Ginny

I was flexible and did work with him in the morning and after lunch tried to get him out of the house or helping with something and at one point had to completely re arrange my internal timetable as he wanted to cook at 9pm!! We had lovely soufles and sweet treats at 10pm at night. He said it helped him forget about trying to get to school the next day. It often meant a late night and no school next day, but looking back, I have no regrets about that as he became a Mary Berry Fan via the Great British Bake off and learnt to cook!! Hasn't done much since, but the skills are there. And life skills are just as important.

Did I get him back? Kind of. He got into a pattern after a lengthy time off of averaging 2-3 days a week. So as you can see....it has never been back full time for us, but it is diffent for every person snd I believe if we had had the understanding and support way back at primary school, and he hadn't been left to fall behind, and perhaps if I had got tutors for him earlier, he would have eventually gone back full time. Who knows! You do your best, don't you.

See how you go with some structure and learning and also remember that not all learning and educatin comes from school.
If there is any chance that a relative or neighbour can do some things with him that he might be interested in, that is good too.
And cooking might be something neither of you have thought if but it does bring instant satisfaction and boosts self esteem!
Photography was another thing that helped my son. I gave him the role of taking photos at family get togethers and I think he felt better hiding behind the lens. He did join a local soccer team (not the nearest...didn't want to know anyone!) when he was 10 and managed one and a half years but then the anxiety took over again. If your son does have an inferest in any sport, exercise is excellent for anxiety. Bike riding helps too. This really helped for awhile.
Try and get him to attend but working up to it a few days ahead...and say... how about you try and get to school on...Thursday...that way you have Friday to try again. It often worked for us. He was always afraid of what the other kids would ask. I told him tell them he was sick. Maybe saying he had cronic fatigue or something might have been better. He never missed the first day back every term...but by the third day...was off again!! I hope you can get your son back..and hope support is more forthcoming than it was for us.

Hang in there...and let us know how you
Linda

I feel your frustration I agree with Linda put in place structure .... I've been there for nearly two years of school refusals. I'm glad I found this site as I felt I was the only one going through this. I now have CAMHS on board but it's so difficult when he doesn't want to talk to them. I'm hoping he will make friend's at school to give him motivation to go in .

Wishing you well for the future

Hello Everyone

Thanks for replies. I still cannot get him to school and I have not been very well myself.

I have another meeting with school today, they have put in place a graduated return to school plan but I cannot get my son engaged in it at all.

CAMHS are on board now and waiting for initial appointment. Had assessment and they agree he needs a treatment plan with them, focussed on return to school.

Do you / did you try to get kids to school every morning and go through normal routine? I am a bit lost on how much to push / encourage? At what point do you 'give up'???

Thanks in advance. Ginny

Hi Ginny

I spent many years coaxing, cajoling and encouraging...it was highly stressful and took a lot out of both of us. It resulted in some weeks of averaging 2-3 days and other weeks turning into weeks and weeks of non attendance. If I had my way again, I would not have done that for so long. There was a lot of pressure from others and my ex and this meant I felt compelled to keep doing this. It was totally draining and my health also suffered.

I was told that if I didn't do this he'd never get an education. I am not convinced.I think you do what you can for as long as you can and only keep going if the outcome is that your son re engages. If it is just you doing this day in, day out, with little to no success, then you have to change direction and find other ways to educate your son. Education is not everything, but your son's mental health is.

For some home schooling is the answer (and I have never heard of any negative outcomes of this approach - quite the opposite), for us I finally made the decision that my son would do on line schooling, and for others, groups like Red Balloon or other small educational support groups are the answer. Sometimes having tutors through one year helps you decide what to do the next year.
It is all very well for schools and psychologists to say you have to keep on pushing, but the truth is, it takes its toll on you and your son. I don't think school refusal kids can feel able to go back to school unless they are on medication that works or have been able to work through cognitive behaviour therapy to manage their anxiety. If non of those are in place, then best to stop pushing.
I hope this makes sense. I have rambled on a bit!
Let us know how CAMHS goes.
Take care of your own health.
Linda

Hi Ginny

I hope you don't mind me replying.
I'm in exactly the same boat. My son who is 7 is refusing to go to school.

I also don't know what to do.. I've banned the iPad this week as yesterday he wouldn't go out with the family either. So we've been sat in silence all day.. Other than when he's reading and doing a bit of writing. I've tried doing his school work with him to no avail.

He's still in his pants as refuses to put his uniform on.

I don't know whether to do the morning school routine each day.. Trying to get him dressed and ready or not. Do I keep trying to persuade him every hour to go to school?
Do I let him play with toys and watch TV?

Which I expect are the same questions you have.


School head is supportive and says to not push, just try to get him in if only for 15 minutes. But he won't agree to that either.

:/
Feeling lost

Hi Katie

My son was young, like yours, when this started. I remember yelling and crying a lot too!! Make sure the teachers treat this as anxiety, even if he seems fine at school (they get good at bottling it in).
Has there been any bullying? There is often no obvious cause.

Don't force...but you can keep on encouraging at his age, unless you want to home school? Don't try after school has gone in, he won't want to turn up late and have everyone look at him, and it will just wear you both down.
Travelling to school with a friend can help. Going to the school grounds when no kids are there..to ride a bike, kick a ball etc.
The more support you can get at this young age, the better chances of going back fo school.

It can be a long and bumpy road, so make sure you take time out for yourself, and also spend a lot of time building your sons confidence outside of school. Look up cognitive behaviour techniques and try to work through them with your son. Gerting him to change his thinking can really help him to move forward. There are some books around and I think mentioned in the resource section on this site.

Can you get him to join a club? Is he interested in any sports? Other activities?

Taking away technology doesn't seem to have worked for me or others on the forum, I think basically because they can't help how they are...so punishment only works if it is a behaviour issue but as it is an anxiety/mental health issue, then it has no impact. Mind you...I'd ban iPads for all kids if I could, as fhey are addictive!,
Maybe say you'll give if back if he helps you do something specific, or does some reading or writing etc. He probably doesn't want to socialise at the moment with family as family do have a habit of asking kids how school is or making them feel guilty by saying "you have to go to school'" or "why arn't you going to school?". Keep encouraging but perhaos word up the family not to mention school?
Good luck...but come on here any time as others know just how you are feeling and might have some further ideas for you of what worked for them. You are doing a good job in trying circumstances. Anxiety is a very misunderstood mental health issue and makes it difficult for parents. Your son can't help how he feels and will be feeling pretty bad about everything. So embrace him shere he is and accept he has this.
Hang in there,
Linda