Hello everyone,
My son is 12,and refusing to attend secondary school.
From the off he found it a struggle,and after 13 full weeks of managing to attend,even though he was breaking down at the end of each school day,one Monday morning he just started refusing to go.
To fast forward a bit,working with his head of year & a lady from orminston families,we worked out a part-time timetable,which he flits in and out of.Some days after a battle I can get him in,but he still ends up not attending the lessons because he can't do it.When asked he says he's doesn't want to go & when asked why,he says he hates it,everything about high school,his class,the kids,the noise,the teachers,the size of the school the way it looks.My son CANNOT let go of his primary school where his sister now attends.Hes completely obsessed with it,to a point where it's all I hear about,this obsession sas I call it,is totally holding him back and affecting his life.And while memories are lovely to hold on too,my son doesn't just leave it at that,he's even been outside the school taking pictures and then sitting alone looking through them.He says he would do anything to go back.
He knows that can never happen,but still can't let go at all.
I would just like to point out that most of the time when he's off school he's a complete nightmare at home,reducing me to tears.Upsetting anyone around him even though he's not in school.This leaves me wondering whether I'm facing a behaviour issue??
But when I have got him into school I see a totally different,broken boy who's so upset he's having an emotional breakdown of the thought of going to class & being in school.I feel so confused at the moment.
We have an appointment with a gp on Monday,but it's hard to explain this while he's with me,and I have no way of getting him looked after.
This is having a knock on effect with my daughter and her attending nursery at his old primary as often she's late because I have been trying to coach him into school.She however loves going.
Any advice would be appreciated.Im drained and feel like giving up. :(

Hi Kelly

I know how you feel. It sounds like you are having a really tough time and this is pretty normal with school refusal. It is one big roller coaster ride. But hang in there - you are actually doing a good job. The fact that you looked for help on-line means you are doing all you can.

You've probably read all the posts and help I've given recently. Hopefully some of that applies to your situation as well?
As for the behaviour outside school - I think that is probably just a result of how bad he is feeling about everyone and everything . It is very hard to know if it is behaviour or not - and not all school refusal kids go through this- but many on this forum have. I recall posts where people mentioned their son or daughter punching holes in walls or just loosing the plot and it effecting all members of the family.

Once when a tutor came to the house to teach my son - he screamed and cried at me, then barricaded himself in his room and threw things round the room. I can only look back and think that this was his total frustration over his terrible anxiety and his inability at his age to know what on earth was going on - and so lashed out in any way he could. This was not school - but that is the thing - this is not just all about school. Our kids, for whatever reason, are suffering severe anxiety - this is an anxiety disorder - and the fact that school is every day - makes school become the issue. But our kids seem to be suffering in all kinds of ways outside of school as well. They tend to stop joining in activities or groups. They become isolated. They are unhappy. So view it as an anxiety disorder and not just a refusal to go to school.

Were there signs that things might not be all going well when your son was at primary? Was he able to attend ok, go to school camps. do sleep overs, have friends round, join in activities etc? Any hints of this that you now see?
Sometimes it is there in small ways at primary school and then the change to high school just makes it come out in the open. Was there any one incident at the high school or just a general feeling that your son has?

I wouldn't worry too much about your son looking back with such fondness to Primary school. He will be feeling very bewildered and lost and have no idea why he hates where he is right now - so Primary school looks and feels safer.
My son did that to some degree after leaving the first high school. Begged to go back but they wouldn't have him!
Did any of your son's friends from Primary school go to the same secondary school with him? Are you able to have him go to school with any of them in a morning? Sometimes arriving with someone else is better than arriving on your own when things are so overwhelming.

As I have said to others - try and focus on building self esteem outside of school issues. Building self esteem is really important and hard to do - but can be done in small steps. Try and get him to keep a link with any school friends even via social media.
And importantly for yourself - keep up a hobby or something that will take your mind off it as it can be all consuming and can be a long road.
See what the doctor says and maybe ask about medication to help on the path forward.
Let your son know you are trying or do know how he is feeling and are doing all you can to help (not to get back to school....to help) and meanwhile - try and think up some activities at home that can make him feel he is still ok.
Let us know how you go with the GP.
Take care
Linda

Hi Linda,thank you so much for your reply.Packed full of information,just what i feel I need.

Yes there was,he's been like it all his life.Always very shy,sentive,quiet (just at school,never at home) anxious etc..always been labelled as 'such a quiet boy' by teachers,peers,other family members & friends.
Never ever wanted friends over,couldn't cope with them moving his stuff about..
School trips he struggled with especially if he had to stay over and only did this once.Never been interested in trying a hobby,says he doesn't like that sort of thing,always found it hard to mix & socialise.
I did take him to the doctors in primary school as the senco there said he was 'too quiet' and nothing ever came of this.His go just said it's the way he is and we are all different!! There's a few things I noticed with him growing up but when I went for help felt just fobbed off.
At home though he's a different child.And I hate to say it but he can be very rude & cocky,upsetting everyone 'just for the sake of it' or 'because it's funny' people don't believe me when I say because they see him when he's quiet!! I'm hoping you are right and it's part of feeling the way he does,also at 12 we are facing purberty so don't think that's helping his moods at all.
Parent partnership rang me back and suggested the go and that he sounds mentally unfit for school which to a point I agree,but how is this going to help,he will feel like he has his own way and I suspect the usual acting up at home which is a massive strain on us all as a family
:(

Hi Kelly
I have no gems of wisdom for you but wanted to say hang in there and take care of you. My son went from having a 100 % attendance in primary to a school refuser he hasn't attended secondary school properly for last two years. He also plays up at home and I absolutely believe it's through frustration, I haven't any answers for you because I am also at the end of my tether with no change in two years 😥 Good luck, this is a lovely forum so if you need help or just to vent please post xx

Hi Mo,
thank you so much for you're lovely reply.Honestly he's a nightmare at home,and i really don't feel i know who he is anymore :( He's got worse and all everyone is saying to me is 'he's playing you all & he's just being naughty.To an extent it feels like he is..we could all be having a lovely day and he just starts on someone or something,it's so frustrating as i'm trying to do my best for him and fight his corner when needed.
He doesn't seem to care about letters,possible court or worded case prison for mum!! Be different if it was his punishment,i honestly feel if that were the case he would MAKE himself do it.
I just feel really confused and at a all time low at the minute.I have health worries myself and it's draining me to the point where i dread waking up for the next day to arrive.
It's comforting to know that i'm not alone in this,although i feel for you too.Its so very hard especially with other children to care for in the mix.They don't get my time when I'm busy with my son,trying to get him to school or trying to get him to behave.
I don't know how much your son plays up.But how do you deal with it when at home? X

Hi Kelly and Mo

I can hear your frustrations....and I feel for where you are with this right now.
Kelly, there have been several on the forum who found their son/daughter was playing up so much that it seemed like a beahviour issue. Your feelings about the situation would be familiar to many on here.
The fact that your son does not appear to be at all phased by any threats, to me is an indication it is definately not behaviour as an issue in itself, . This is pretty typical of school refusal. They are really really desperate not to ever have to go to school...so they don't care about letters or court or if you take technology off them, They seem to feel cornered and feel the whole world is against them because we keep focusing so much on the thing they just want to never face. The behaviour is a reflection of something going on and a total lack of self esteem seems a common thread with our kids, due to not being able to do the one thing everyone keeps going on about.

I know this doesn't give answers for how to help the home scene but it might give you some insight to how your son is feeling.
I found that I really had to find ways to build that self esteem back before we coukd move forward in the school front.
The teachers told me my son was also well behaved at school but as soon as I picked him up...he was angry. He had bottled up his anxiety during the day...and then would let fly. I suspect your son has been bottling things up for a long time.

Maybe talk to the doctor about medication for your son. He sounds like he needs to feel better than where he is now before he will be able to listen to any rational discussion or take those small steps forwrd.
And even consider medication for yourself. I was on anti depressants for many years as it was my only waay of coping. Its ok to have something to help, as it is a tough road.
Hang in there....it will improve but it might take a little while before you see any way forward....but it does get better....you are a good mum, and don't let others make you feel otherwise...they have no idea of what you go through.

Linda

Hi again Kelly and Mo

This below is just something I posted to someone else, again about the behaviour...seems relevant in your cases too. I have seen the same pattern over 8 years on the forum...and in my own son. I can't say I found it easy to follow my own advice all the time..I sometimes still lost the plot...and had to try and step back again...but generally I found my change of attitude from one of 'this is bad behaviour' to 'this is mental health and he can't help it' helped my son take those important steps forward to learn to manage his anxiety. Before my attitude changed...we both wallowed around in depressn and frustration and lots of tears!

"It often looks like a behaviour issue, which is why we rant and rave at our kids to get to school!! But it is not a behaviour issue, it is a mental health issue and your son needs to know he can get that support to move forward, without having to face school before he is ready. They would rather never go back to school as they think they will have to go back feeling the way they are now, So it is vital to step back and drop the pressure of school in order to help heal your son.
Its hard...we are pushed by society to think we have failed as a parent if our kids don't go to school, but there are different roads to an education and most seem to get there in the end, with a few twists and turns along the way."

Morning everyone,
Ok so it's day 2 of no school for my son after half term.
We had a good week before the holidays,the school wanted him to attend the first 3 lessons of the day,which he succeeded at.He hated it but felt mega proud of him.
Now..he's back to not even attempting to go in at all.It was meant to be the first 4 lessons for the next 2 weeks but he's not even trying.
Just rang the school and they said try get him in periods 3&4 but I can't get him out of his room,let alone uniform on and down the stairs to start to walk to school.
I dropped my daughter at nursery today so have to go get her dinner time.And my little 1 year old to consider too.I guess I'm just feeling the strain.
So far this morning I've just had him full of attitude,saying he's not going.I know he has anxiety issues,especially with school,but when he's like this,I just can't help but think it's behaviour related.Already had a letter from school,they in the process of getting in touch with the LEA to take me to court.I know it's the law,but i physically can't get him to school.Especially we 2 other very small children.I'm trying to keep things as normal for them too.
Sorry for the rambling,think i just needed to talk and this was the place i knew i could come.

That's why we are here, Kelly! To give you somewhere to rant!

I cannot imagine how you feel, but I know how my wife felt when I disappeared off to work leaving her to pick up the pieces - and how I felt on the commute. How I made it in one piece, I'll never know.

Looking after the others, and yourself, is really important. I am under some pressure (not child related) so this is just a quick note to say I am thinking of you, and your son.

Simon

Hi Kelly

Thinking of you too. I know what you mean by the behaviour overlap.
We haven't had smooth sailing either. My son didn't attend classes last week and missed Monday's class this week.Yes we have taken big steps forward but not out of the wilderness yet. I have felt sick in my stomach worrying all week!!

Remember to remind the school of their responsibility in the law as you are doing all you can to get him there...and about the case that got thrown out of court. They don't have to go down this road...as not all schools do. I know you don't probably have the energy but putting it back on the school to provide work or tutors seems to be your right in the circumstances.
Hang in there....and remember that school just doesn't seem to work for some kids so you may have to seek out what else is out there in your area.
Feel free to rant any time. The forum is good like that and everyone gets what you are going through. I am sure there will be help for you somewhere along the way.
Take care
Linda

Good to know I'm not the only frustrated mum out there. It was like reading my mind .... son under bed won't come out ... didn't get him there yesterday and even the school been out and still wouldn't come out from under the bed. I feel your pain I'm beginning to feel helpless if the so called expert's can't get him in what hope do I have. Spoken to camhs they had no advice to give apart from keep trying. Had this for nearly three years and was getting better than slowly going back to where we were ... sorry rant over

Hi Hevs52

Welcome to the forum! I can feel your pain and frustration too! Hang in there...we are on a rocky road...hoping yu can get some support soon. Can you afford a private psychologist? Try medication or/and cognitive behaviour therapy? .it has helped us despite no miracle cure.
Linda

Morning all,
Got my meeting today with the school and someone from the education authority.I feel drained and nervous with worry as they going to be telling me the next steps they are going to take.I think whatever they put in place he's not going to stick too.Hes got to attend,I'm not sure i'm even going to be able to get him to come along.
I'm not the best talking to people,especially in front of people in authority.Like i keep telling them,i feel I might have a son with some sort of mental health illness,in my opinion maybe the doc should of signed him off,even parent partnership said it sounds like he should be signed off while waiting for referrals etc.. but doc didn't seem interested,and we all know how long these things can take.Getting ready for another struggl today.
Hoping you all have good days with you and your children.Thank you all for your replies and support.

Kelly.

Good luck Kelly. Have you had the meeting yet?
Don't worry - we all find it difficult to talk in front of authority in those kind of meetings which is why dressing up and having a folder with notes can help us. I used to be a teacher but I still felt about an inch high in some of those meetings about my son!! It means they are not getting the big picture. My son never attended any meetings - it didn't matter in the end.
Hang in there -
Can you try another doctor?
Linda

Afternoon all,
Well the meeting wasn't that great,we have an action plan in place that he has to do for 6 weeks without fail.They will then close the case.If not i will be presented with court dates!! I kinda felt a little like they were saying my sons just naughty.They told me i had to be firmer and harsher with him and that I need to think about changing Eva to afternoon sessions at nursery so I can concentrate on my son more in the mornings!! She's made friends and i will feel like I'm punishing her coz of all this.I felt a bit intimidated if I'm honest as I'm not good at speaking anyway.I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm honest :(

Hi Kelly

Write everything down aa Simon suggested.
What does the action plan involve? Take some deep breaths before sitting down with your son and asking if he might work with you on it. It is not his fault the school are threatening court. He might not care...they kind if get beyond caring about what it means for others as fhey can't do anything about that anyway...so din't worry about his reaction.

Maybe write a letter...give the plan a try for two weeks before sending...and get a friend to help if you don't feel confident with writing. In the letter to the school head...not just coordinators ( was the head at the meeting?) explain that the action plan has been put forward and thank the teachers for their efforts...but your son has a mental health issue that results in school refusal. Point out that he is not just being naughty.
If fhe head was at the meeting, explain thaf you felt you didn't have a chance to get your points across.

Point out also that the school has not taken steps to ensure they find out what the underlying problem is (eg anxiety, depression ) nor referred you to support services/organisations. And point out that the school should be classifying this as a health issue (see previous posts about how school refusal comes under this in education policy in UK). And until they do so, and recognise this for what it is, then your son will struggle to meet any kind of action plan. State clearly that this is not truancy and that from your observations you are very concerned about your son's mental health and so the last thing that is going to help anyone is a court case and it will also show to the court that the school has not recognised the situation for what it is and have jumped to the conclusion that being stricter is the answer when it is clearly not.
Explain you fully support all efforts to get your son to school as you believe very highly in the importance of education. But no amount of effort will change things until it is recognised for what it is.

Possibly Print something off the internet that sums up school refusal the best...I'll see if I can locafe a link for you.
And print out the link we gave for the case fhat was thrown out by the judge, and send it all off to the head of the school.

And I know you know this but do remain courteous (despite how we all long to really let fly!!) and thaf you give recognition to the effort put in by the teachers. In the early days of my sons problems , I did send a couple of emails thatwere critical and did me no good! Mostly, I failed to recognise the effort teachers had put in, and that made them annoyed..and so then they got angry back.
So praise, despite the last thing you feel...is the best way to keep them on side.

And no more than a page. And make it a letter, not an email.
This is not to give the history but to bring the recent meeting up and why the action plan may not work (do state that you have given it a 100% try). Do not put anything in the letter that can then be used against you.
See how it goes. Might be worth a try....
It also shows in writing, further down the track, that you are taking action and not just sitting back and accepting that your son isn't going to school.

Meanwhile.. if you can perhaos find another doctor for your son for a second opinion.
As for changing your daughter's time. It depends on you and your health and what will help you..But maybe your daughter just being late is acceptable at this stage?
Take care...the court case threats don't seem to get that far.
Let us know how things are. I have thrown lots if ideas round but only you know the situation, so go with your gut feeling.
You are a good mum and doing all you can in very trying circumstances.
Linda

Hi again Kelly

I just re read all your posts again and I don't see any mention of CAMHS? Has your son been assessed? Has the school made a referral for you? If they haven't then they don't have a leg to stand on in taking you to court. Or are you on a waiting list?
They school has to take certain steps and in your case it sounds to me like they have jumped ahead rather too fast.
If you can make enquiries or demand they set up an appointment? Or if writing that letter, put it in the letter about cahms.

Your son will do anything not to go to school, and sadly for you at the moment, this does mean aggression. This is typical, so don't feel alone on that one. I think seeing your son is or has been a quiet boy, this is the only way he knows how to let his pain out. And it is pain.
Once we get caught up in the anger it causes us, then it just goes round in circles. Your son needs lots of understanding, hugs, if he will let you, and then he might br calmer and also realise you are trying to help. Any mention of school will probsbly set him off again, so focus on helping him feel better. And a different doctor does sound in order.
As the psychiatrist explained it to my son, it is the fight or flight mode in over drive and my son was also using both. Once you both can accept it as a mental health issue...things do get calmer. No kid wants to be like this, and so they feel very isoloated and misunderstood. Your son does need help and the school has not provided it.

Sorry I have rambled on again but hope perhaps a cahms appointment might keep any court threat at bay.
Let us know.
Linda

Good morning Linda,
Thank you so,so much for taking the time to read and reply to my posts.
No the head wasn't there,just his head of year,attendance officer at his school & the lady from the local authorities.The action plan is that for the next 2-3 weeks he goes in for periods 1,2 & 3 then home.They told him rooms he can go in at break time if he feels like his needs some quiet time.They will then review in 6 weeks to see if he's improved.Not sure I've spelt this right but they have Orminston families on board who have a link to the school and the lady there referred us to the children's mental health center and the GP as I said before didn't actually tell me where we were being referred too,and with my head in the clouds I forgot to stupidly ask.So yes we waiting at the moment to hear.
I've heard these things can take a while and I haven't time on my side at the moment.I didn't know about signing a child off..it was parent partnership that told me that.But the GP never did and according to that lady in the meeting,Cahms would be very reluctant to sign a child off anyway..and apparently he can't be unfit for school as he managed 2 good weeks before the broke up for the holidays!!
She also went on to say about a possible Education order being put on my son although at the moment she wants to see if this has improved by the next meeting.
She also mentioned about social care and health? I didn't really understand this,but does she mean social services? What was she saying? I didn't want to go into that too much in front of my son so I didn't ask.
I wish I was braver and stronger with things like this..I feel sometimes I don't get my point across very well and that isn't going to help things.Sorry to ramble so much.