Dear All,

Looking for help!

My beautiful, bright 13 year old daughter has suddenly suffered from anxiety which has spiralled her into school refusal. She has not attended properly since the Christmas holidays!

She has suffered from anxiety once or twice before and is shy by nature, but has always managed ok, with just one other occasion last year when she missed a day and needed alot of support for about a week to get her back into school. She attends a grammar school, which she started last year in year 8 following an appeal and thus moved from her original school(which is literally next door). I have wondered if it is the move/added pressure that has caused this, but she has said she had a few 'panicky moments just before leaving her other school and that she doesn't find the work too hard or indeed want to go back to the other school as her current one is generally better behaved children etc.

It would appear that there has bee some 'boy banter' going on aimed towards her amongst her friends group that might be one of the underlying causes as well as being terribly self conscious and hating having to do anything in front of other people.

The school are trying to be supportive and have immediatly asked all of her teachers to not put Harriet on the spot or ask her to do any performances or read out loud etc They also spoke to a couple of the boys (despite us asking them not too yet) about the 'banter' but unfortunately this has backfired as they have given her a hard time on snapchat etc saying she is a snitch etc. This has made her now paranoid that if she goes back, everyone will be talking about her and the teachers will be annoyed at her absences - I have tried to talk her through it, I've tried the soft approach, the hard approach including smacking :-( and nothing yet has worked.

We went to the GP in week 2 and also have started seeing a counsellor/hypnotherapist since week 2 to try and nip it in the bud, but it seems to have gone from 0-100 in that time and here we are week 4 with no improvement.

I am dreading tomorrow morning! The school has suggested trying to get her in again and they will try to keep her in whenever possible, but becuse they do not currently have a nurse or counsellor, they do not always have a member of staff to supervise her and I have often been called to collect her just after school begins!! They have had to inform the authorities of her 'unauthorised' absences and poor attendence and I am worried what will happen next?

Any advice welcome Please!!

Hi Karen

Welcome to the forum!
Sorry to hear things are not going so well for you. Must be so frustrating to have it come on and spiral downhill fast. This does tend to be the trend with School Refusal. Have you talked to the school about getting an appointment with CAMHS? There is usually a fairly long wait, so getting onto that as soon as possible would be advisable. This can then help with what support is forthcoming from the school. And have a read through some of the recent posts about the responsibility of schools and how to ensure they understand this is a 'health' issue as mental health does come under education department policy. At some point they may have to provide tutoring (via local council).

Ensuring your daughter feels she is understood is important and getting your head around the fact that she can't actually help how she is feeling, Trying to build back her self esteem outside of school is important and will be a valuable strength later on. Sometimes you have to drop the mention of school for awhile, otherwise they think the only reason you are trying to help is to get them to school (might be the truth, but better to make it look like you are just working on life skills...which are just as important).

Does your daughter have friends at the new school? Did she know them previously or are they new? Does she still know students at the old school? Keeping links with friends is importand but if friends have fallen by the wayside, it is not the end of the world. It just means you have to be more creative in having her socialise with family and friends.
I can understand her fear of others talking about her, seems to be every school refusers nightmare! If you can get her to meet with a friend from the school, or travel together with someone (and you if it takes more than a friend to get her there). Or do you have family who can take her? However, forcing or depriving of technology is also not the answer, it just makes them more depressed.

Sometimes, for some kids, education is just not going to be in a straight line.
Try also getting in touch with Parent Partnership (has changed its name in many areas) as they often know where to find resources and support for kids who don't fit the system and not just special needs.
And if things still don't improve, maybe a visit to the doctor and a discussion about medication. This can be seen more as a foot up, to help your daughter feel just a bit better so that she can then feel more able to take on board techniques such as cognitive behaviour therapy or other self management techniques. Getting her to see a private psychologist if nothing comes of cahms might then be wise.
Also Check out the Red Balloon program mentioned on previous posting.

Hang in there. Everyone who comes on the forum knows just how you are feeling. So remember, you are not alone. And come on here any time, even to just off load. Better to share than carry the load yourself.
let us know how things go,
Linda

Hi Linda,

Tried to get her in for just one lesson today but had no success! She locked herself in the bathroom.

I have tried all day to get her in but each time unsuccessfully. I lost my temper today and have had a good deal of talking/shouting at her which is sad.

We have a parents evening tonight - we are meant to be going - choosing options for next year lol! but at this rate i cant see her getting to the end of this term.

K

Hi Karen,

How did the parent meeting go?
Maybe try negotiating going back...in two days...or after the weekend...sometimes that gave my son some time to psych himself into going back. I wouldn't try all day. If she hasn't gone by school start time, then it probably just isn't going to happen. My son always said there was no way he was going to turn up late and have everyone look and ask why.
Linda

Hi Karen,
Firstly sorry to hear about the hard time you all are having at the moment.
It's sounds like you are describing my 12 year old son.
He too hasn't been properly back since before Christmas holidays.He doesn't move out of bed,shuts down and won't even talk to me,locks himself in the bathroom as you mentioned you're daughter did.He's on a part time timetable at the moment,but he can't manage even getting through the doors of the school.I have dropped him off (when I manage to get him out the door) to be called to go collect him.We walk everywhere,i also have a 3 year old who I have to get to nursery and a 1 year old son,so it can be super stressful.
We had a doctors appointment last night,she's referred him to people who will decide what help he may need.
I'm no expert but I think it might be a little deeper than just his anxiety.She didn't say where the referral was too though and I was so busy thinking I hadn't forgotten to mention anything,I forgot to ask!!
Also his behaviour at home has been a nightmare,extremely challenging.
He too mentions,he can't bare going back to his class as they will laugh & say stuff.Says he hates everything about the school..there's no talking to him.
Keep as posted,be great to hear how you are getting on.
Fingers crossed things will get better soon.
This has really taken a toll on my relationship with my bf and the rest of the family.Its very draining isn't it.
We here to listen.x

HI Kelly

Hope things get better soon. Is the referral to a psychologist or are you suspecting autism spectrum perhaps? Sometimes the symptoms overlap.
There can be other underlying issues with school refusal but these kids do seem to have a common thread and that is that the school environment just sends them into complete meltdown. We have never really pin pointed what the issue is with my son, except severe anxiety which then lead to depression. He had been such a happy little kid before this...so was it the school....the family...something else....we really don't know. Things do get better - hang in there - it is a bumpy ride!
Let us know how you go.
Take care
Linda

Hi,

My daughter is also 13 & we had 'school refusal' for almost 2 years. She suffers from severe anxiety. I am also a trained SEN professional & I may be able to give you some free advice. http://amchomesen.wixsite.com/mysen

Please visit my website.

Many thanks
Anne-Marie